Ah, the great season of fall! The leaves that once covered the massive trees that surround our homes have turned the most magnificent shades and fallen to the ground, the song birds and woodland creatures which once frolicked among us during the summer have now changed their tunes and are preparing themselves for another winter, and most importantly, all of the neighborhood children are gearing up for possibly one of the biggest nights in their adolescent lives: Halloween, when they will succumb to the most basic animal needs inside, as best described by the great Jerry Seinfeld: GET CANDY, GET CANDY, GET CANDY!!!
Also, if you’re from my neck of the woods, you’re also preparing yourselves for a six-to-eight month period of what we Michiganders like to refer to as freezing our asses off, but that’s another story…
I’d like to now explain to you the true origin of Halloween. On the other hand, I’d also like to get to bed at a decent hour tonight, so instead of wasting valuable sleeping time actually researching and learning about this great holiday, I think it would be more beneficial for us all if I just made up a neat story about how Halloween came to be the sugar-addicting dentist’s heaven that it is today. Don’t tell me that they all don’t secretly fantasize about it every year, either! My dentist used to give away the most amazing caramel apples, just caked with chocolate and nuts and everything else that it takes to get an eight year-old to eat an apple. His wife would sit on the porch in one of her fur coats, just laughing like mad as she handed them out…
Pretty good so far, eh? I thought so, too! Sorry about the interruption, but I’ve found that it always helps to get the audience’s general opinion of your work early on – it makes for a better piece in the end. Anyways, back to the story…
Did I mention that Gloria was a witch? I thought that it was pretty obvious by now, what with the black hat, cauldron and the fact that she flies around on a broom, but there’s always that one guy you’ve gotta point everything out to…
It just doesn’t get any more exciting than this, does it? What’s that? Stop interrupting, you blooming idiot… Sorry.
Just kidding, although I do have a similar tale involving an evil bunny who lived in a shoe, if you’ve got a second. It was a crazy place, I’ll tell ya – he had so many children, he didn’t know what to do! Ok, maybe another time. I should really get going anyways! I’m sure you got the gest of it, and hopefully you’ll walk away with just a little more knowledge about this tradition than before. Even if you really hate kids, just remember: it’s only one night, then you’re legally allowed to hate them for the rest of the year! You really can’t afford to pass up an offer like that! Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to start putting up my Christmas lights…