And so this is Christmas, and what have we done? Another year’s over, a new one’s begun. Ah, the year 2001. We’ve finally reached the point where absolutely no one can deny that we haven’t entered the new millennium! Still, even with a new year upon us, I’m finding it difficult to celebrate a new one, since the last one was so lacking itself. If you stop and think about it, not a whole lot actually happened that is worth writing down in the books, and if we’re not careful, I think 2001 could end up doing the same thing.
Let’s first take a brief look into last year, the ‘beginning of the new millennium.’ Although the entertainment industry was a-boomin’ throughout the year, they didn’t seem to leave us a whole lot worth holding onto, now did they? Musically, teen hotties and boy bands hogged the spotlight for what seemed like an eternity, always willing to drop another article of clothing or ‘crank it up a notch’ when the limelight began to fade. Marilyn Manson was replaced as America’s most hated musician by the one and only Eminem, whose survival in the streets of Detroit has astounded us all thus far.
Speaking of roughing it, commercialized voyeurism took a turn for the worst as the networks realized that, as much as we all hate MTV’s The Real World and Road Rules, we’re all still watching it, either for the nasty cat-fights or the regularly scheduled sex scenes, or both. Survivor brought us to a deserted island where the rodents are enjoyed extra-crispy and the nude run free. How Richard pulled the whole thing off still baffles me to this day! Survivor was accompanied by Big Brother, which, considering that a four-year-old with a camcorder and a free afternoon could done better, sucked the big one. Of course, these programs were all designed with the one goal of bringing down ABC’s ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire.’ Well, Millionaire is still shown regularly and the others aren’t, so you do the math…
Among these greats from the year 2000, my personal favorite would have to be Fox’s ‘Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire,’ in which we witnessed a desperate Rick Rockwell enjoy an intense, intimate 15 minutes with his new and now former bride, Darva Conger. “Why didn’t this whole thing work out?” Fox executives asked themselves as they watched the two battle for media rights the following week. “I didn’t really take any of it seriously,” Darva told reporters. “I just want this whole mess to get over with so I can have my old life back…” Miss Conger’s naked goodies appeared in Playboy the following month.
Let’s not forget the tale of young Elian Gonzalez, whose storybook trip to America gave foreign cab drivers in Miami something else to do, other than refuse to give anyone rides, for a couple months. ‘What do you do when you find a lost person?’ Return him to his parents? WRONG! The correct answer is: shower him with toys, ice cream and trips to Disney World as our legal system decides what to do about something that was never our business to begin with! For more information about how to join this amazing team, send a self-addressed stamped envelope to…
It was a very interesting year in the news, despite the fact that not a single positive event occurred. Driver’s of the Ford Explorer got a nice surprise when it was suddenly announced last fall that, “Oh yeah, we forgot to mention that, ummm, well, there’s a good chance that you’re driving a death trap. We wanted to use the euphemism, ‘coffin with wheels,’ but they’d probably end up blowing out anyways.” Napster, the online utility used by computer geeks across the world to trade music, was attacked by artists such as Metallica and others, who apparently are confused with the concept that people are tired of paying $18 for a cd with only three listenable songs on it. We also saw our good friend and comedian Dennis Miller test the waters in an occupation that will no doubt be filled by someone else next season, the professional football announcer. Let’s face it, expecting Monday Night Football fans to both understand and appreciate the witty and insightful rants of Dennis Miller is like expecting the President of the United States to make it through an entire term without doing coke, soliciting illegal funds or sleeping with his entire secretarial staff. It’s a nice goal, but it just ain’t gonna happen!
The sad part is, folks, that’s it. This is all that we’ve seen in the last twelve months, or at least all that I could remember while I was slapping this together. Of course, there was that whole election thing, with Florida and the recounts and all, but I think we’ve heard enough of that for now. Besides, after the dust settles, I’m sure President Chad, errr…., I mean President Bush, will do a fabulous job, or at least fill the Commander in Chief’s mediocre shoes to the point where we’ve all come to realize that, honestly, it doesn’t really matter who the president is. Democracy is a goofy concept, but it gets us by…
So enjoy the year 2001 and while you’re out there, try to stir up some news for us so we can fill some more text books for our children, will ya? I know it may not seem like a big deal now, but when your kids come to you for help with their homework on the battle of Temptation Island and the historical significance of the Election Inspection 2000, you can proudly say, “Sorry, I must’ve been asleep that year…”