Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s that time again! Yes, that’s right – it’s time to let your hair down, let it all hang out and just let it be…sorry, I couldn’t think of a third one to finish the set… Tonight is the night when caution is thrown directly into the wind and pride is flushed back down the toilet, so dig out the most hideous clothing your wardrobe has to offer, hidden away from decades ago when life was much simpler and shinier – whether it be the platform boots, parachute pants and disco-ball shirt or just your run of the mill, vinyl-clad, vampire-slaying three-piece ensemble, rest assured that tonight you can walk the streets in strides knowing that no matter how hilariously bizarre you look, no one suspects a thing…

And that’s the beauty of Halloween! It’s not about the candy because eventually everyone will grow old enough to be able to walk into a store and buy it themselves, and it’s not about the goofy parties because people typically don’t even need a reason to get drunk and have a good/weird time anymore, so what does that leave us with? It’s pretty easy, actually – it leaves us with the idea that for one night, we’re all able to shed that little thing called dignity, throw on whatever seems the craziest at the time and just go wild, and yet there’s really nothing anybody can say about it because hey, it’s Halloween! Imagine trying to pull something like this off in any other setting:

It’s 8:05 on a Tuesday morning and already the building is bustling with life at Smultz and Zmults Financial Holdings. Today is a very important day for the firm, as they are about to complete a mammoth purchase of the second-largest accounting firm in New York City, so it’s needless to say that the tension could be cut with a knife, although it would have to be a very sharp one…

The board members of both companies are circled around a large table in the executive meeting room, waiting for one final vice president to arrive before the signing and celebrating can begin. The large, oak door to the room swings open and instantly jaws from both parties drop to the floor. Jim Hartley, the V.P. of Administrative Affairs, strolls in, quickly apologizing for the delay, but his words fall on deaf ears. Ok, maybe not deaf ears, but they’re definitely distracted – did I mention that for this career-altering meeting this morning, Jim chose to wear a breath-taking combination of fishnet stockings, black leather boots and a matching vinyl crop-top and hot pants set, complete with black lipstick and nail polish?

Had he instead been a member of KISS rather than the high-profile investment banker that he was, things may have gone a bit smoother than they actually did…

Or maybe it would go more like this:

Janette lay there on the hospital bed in terror, not knowing what to expect. She had been told a thousand times by her friends and family that the surgery was not that big of a deal anymore and that with today’s advances in medicine technologies, the chance of failure was virtually zero, but still her sheets and gown remained soaked with sweat. Janette had even been going to her same doctor for more years than she could count, so there was really nothing to worry about…right?

Her ears perked up as she heard the doorknob turn and she knew that the time had come for her to buck up and take it like a man, so to speak. Looking to the door, though, and expecting to see the charismatic face of her doctor, Janette blinked her eyes several times and then attempted to recall just how long ago her anesthetics had been applied, for the man…the creature…in the doorway certainly didn’t belong in that picture. Stepping into the full light, the figure was dressed from head-to-toe in dark green scales, with a long and massive tail that extended out the door and into the hall.

Opening its slimy, yellow teeth, an odd, crackling voice spoke, “Good morning, Jeanie! Ready to get those tonsils out for good?”

Nope, unfortunately neither dragons nor cross-dressing, gothic vampires have much position in the modern workplace, which is really a shame because if you gave that freak a calculator and a half-hour of your time, he’d have you on a fifteen-year plan to early retirement in no time! But no, because you had to judge him/her/it and scorn him/her/it, the board blew a collective gasket and now unemployed, just because he liked to suck blood and wear women’s clothing and fly by the night, he’ll never have the chance to help you save an extra three percent on your income taxes – so who’s not going to Disney World now?!

What’s my point? You’re kidding, right? Did you even read half of what I just threw down?! I never had a point to begin with, but honestly, how many Halloween-related topics for humor columnists can there really be? I mean, the candy / trick or treating one is pretty obvious, and then maybe something about the parties, but then where do you go? At this rate, by next year I could be writing my Halloween column about how I had pot roast for dinner and went to bed early because I had some sort of nasty rash, so at least we’ve got that one to look forward to – and trust me, it’ll be hilarious!

If anyone can make pot roast and rashes hilarious, it’d be Scott…

Happy Halloween! And to all the freaks and weirdoes, enjoy it while you can! Tomorrow is another day, so don’t forget to grab a bottle of nail polish remover while you’re at it…