While I certainly wouldn’t consider myself a connoisseur by any means, I do find myself watching a lot of movies these days and would like to think that I can tell the difference between a good movie and a not-so-good movie. Some will argue that the last five, or even ten, years have been filled with nothing but mindless drivel and miles upon miles of wasted film on Hollywood’s part, and although I wouldn’t necessarily say that I disagree, I’ve always been a strong follower of the put up or shut up philosophy and actually do think that I could do a better job myself!
So what I’ve put together here is a short series of guidelines – I wouldn’t consider them written in stone, per se, as much as I would consider them the absolute, final word ever – not laws so much as follow them or your film will only get screen time in Herington, Kansas. Although some of my suggestions might be considered a tad bitter or even cruel, just trust me on this one – we’ll all be better off in the end…
- Talking animals won’t be making any further appearances on the big screen until they can actually speak the words on their own. It may sound harsh, but I think once we stop propping them up, it won’t be long before they bridge the gap on their own, anyways…
- Films will be based around an actual plot (or story), rather than merely off the fame of the star. If The Joey Buttafuco Movie, A Tale of Love, Life, and Jason Alexander, and Inside the Zany Life of the New Jenny Garth really want to make it to the big screen, there had better actually be an hour and a half worth of script behind those big names on the marquee.
- Spoofs are to be consistent throughout the entire length of the movie! Cameo appearances by likes of Saturday Night Live cast members and so forth will only be considered acceptable in obvious parodies. I grew up watching her sniff her own armpits – I refuse to look beyond that to see the true actress within…
- Aliens don’t necessarily have to assume the same body structures as the rest of us! These are creatures that have sustained life in environments exceedingly harsh compared to ours – show us a damn blob or d’narian snare beast or something! This isn’t Beverly Hills we’re dealing with anymore – not everyone in the universe looks exactly like we do!
- Everybody gets it – Mother Nature is one nasty bitch! We’ve pretty much run out of natural disasters to dress up anyways, but I’m just trying to prevent Sandstorm and Drought and Butt-Ass Freezing Winter from ever making it to the silver screen…
- Any former actor who runs for political office hereby forfeits any and all future cinematic opportunities. You were great way back when, Arnold, but just as I don’t expect to see Dick Cheney’s crippled act gracing the silver screen anytime this millennium, you should’ve known better, too.
- And we’re going to get this entire length issue under control while we’re at it, too! Two hours is still acceptable for truly outstanding cinematic artistry, but anything over that and we’re going to take a serious look at the importance of some of those battle scenes, ok? There’s always the option of a fall series on the UPN, but whatever happens, nobody’s leaving the theater with sores anymore, that’s for sure!
- But finally, no more recycling ideas! Sure, The Breakfast Club and Fast Times at Ridgemont High were very successful twenty years ago, but so were and parachute pants. Anymore of this nostalgia crap and I’ll see to it that it becomes mandatory to funnel a few extra million away from each of the stars’ obscene salaries to hire a writer with some fresh ideas!