Ladies and gentlemen, my apologies if I seem a bit jittery today, but I recently lived through the most traumatic experience since The Muppet Show went off the air…

Most of you know me as a different man than you see today…an astonishingly well-endowed man, at least as far as hair follicles are concerned, that is! A man whom once walked tall with pride as the cool breeze whispered through his long, flowing mane – hair that some might even say would put David Lee Roth to shame…well, more shame anyways – but nevertheless, it deeply saddens me to profess that this man, known and loved by all, is no longer with us.

You see, this man was the unfortunate victim of a horrible, new wave of crime that’s currently sweeping the nation in troves. Thriving off the luscious locks of the beautiful people of this land, these denizens of the tonsorial underground – referred to by the liberal media as “hair bandits” – make their keep not by trimming up your regular, everyday honest man for a few pence here and there, but by vehemently snatching strands…split ends and all…right out from underneath the hats of unsuspecting wanderers and then, allegedly – mind you, selling said strands on the black market. Some sources indicate that these extortionists only skim the surface of an even more sinister organization that pays the bills by pawning off human this-and-that’s of all shapes and sizes, but if you ask me, in rousting up this extraordinary evil, it’s best for us to start at the root…

My own brief, yet frightening encounter with these hair bandits still stands quite visibly in my mind…possibly because it just happened yesterday. It was a cold and rainy day in Northern Atlanta, and we were all ready to go home. Of course, the everlasting wrath of Hurricane What’s-His-Name had other plans and thus, we were forced to stay in our little home away from home another few days with little to nothing left to do to occupy our time. We ate, we slept, we played some video games and even went bowling, but when that simply wasn’t enough to fend off boredom any longer, it was suggested.

Now let it be known that I probably take to liking the phrase “hair cut” in about the same sense as “vasectomy” or “tonight’s episode of The Simpsons has been preempted to bring you the most boring-est football game known to man,” but after the soothing combination of peer pressure and insightful encouragement (i.e. “Chicks dig short hair nowadays, man!”) had a chance to thoroughly brainwash me, I figured, “Eh…what’s the worst that could happen?!” Well, let me tell you this, my fine friends – whenever a phrase such as that even inches close to crossing that beer-battered mind of yours, the topic at hand most certainly deserves a second…and in some cases even a third thought, for I did not allow for these types of variables and, well, look at me now…

It all seemed to flash by so fast – the joyous, carol-ridden trip from the hotel to the barber shop, the tantalizingly hot, young maiden who would lure me into a false sense of security with her, well, you know, and the aftermath – consisting of a brief glimpse into the mirror long enough to warrant the madam’s tip, followed by a healthy dose of stray and random compliments from my companions up until and including that moment when I looked into the mirror and saw the truth for myself. I don’t know exactly how or when they struck, or what exactly the attack itself entailed, but nonetheless I knew that very instant that I had, in fact, been violated by none other than those same hair bandits.

I chose to record my story here today to serve as a public service towards others because if I can prevent even one future ambush from these foul-mouthed cretins by making my audience both aware and cautious of their efforts, then my time here today is certainly to be considered well spent! Remember, my friends – I lost a great deal of my manhood and dignity that very morning, but some have paid an even greater cost – just look to the likes of singer and songwriter Phil Collins, actors Samuel J. Jackson and Patrick Stewart, and even his holiest of holy ones, Pope John Paul II. Each of these individuals have taken the highest toll that the hair bandits have to offer, so learn from our mistakes and watch your back…or your head, in this case.

Maybe – just maybe – one day in the future, an even greater task will step forth to rid us of this horrible plague, but in the meantime all that we can really do is keep our guards up and comb each follicle like its our last…