If I was having any better of a day, they’d have to tranquilize and haul me away…

Hi! How are you doing today?! That’s great – I’m happy for you…honestly I’ve never been more ecstatic for another person than I am at this very moment…or maybe I have, but regardless, good for you. I’ve got to say that just between you and me, this wonderful feeling of unmitigated bliss that you’ve inspired in me right here and now nearly warrants a thank-you card when I return from Cloud Nine…or perhaps a nice bouquet of flowers or something – only time and my debit card balance will tell!

You see, that’s the kind of false enthusiasm that I’m looking for these days, but I suppose that some people just don’t get it! I mean, seriously, in my not-so-humble opinion, the profound impact alone of a little artificial aspiration on your average go-getter seems to be well worth the blood, sweat, tears, and creative juices required to concoct such inane notions. I know that it takes a little more effort, and a little more wit, and dare I say even a little more pizzazz, but really, don’t these results speak for themselves?!

I’ve noticed that there just isn’t any appreciation for bloody sarcasm in this day and age anymore, or even ravenous, scaly sarcasm for that matter. I remember a time when calling somebody’s mother a ravenous, blood-sucking shrill-beast was a term of endearment born with pride – nowadays you walk around calling one anything less than the plebian image of the Queen Mum herself and you’ve suddenly got a 3rd-class riot on your hands, like you’re doing it with no other reason than to offend or something! Little do those jaded onlookers know that you’re only a mere seventeen Scholastic Sarcasm Pointsaway from winning yourself a brand-new mountain bike…but they don’t care about that, now do they?! Nope – in today’s rough and tumble world, feelings are all that matter…

And let me be the very first to say that it makes me sick! Yes it does, and I’m not afraid to say it, either – in this day and age, sarcastic intellectuals such as myself find ourselves constantly held back by the light-hearted and easily-offended whom would otherwise no doubt cry themselves to sleep night after night after having been barraged by the dismal truths that can only be wielded with such cynical undertones – it’s not fair and it’s not right, I tell ya! Just as glee and whimsical melody is permitted to waft from the housetops on Christmas day with little or no recursive actions, so should our scornful rhetoric be allowed to seep its way into the lower bowls of our ever-developing sub-culture, glazing every nook, and especially every cranny, with the oh-so-juicy flavor that only mockery and lampoon-i-ness can muster.

So on this day – whatever it actually may be – I say that it’s time for each and every one of us, the cynical nay-sayers of this fine planet, to stand up and let it be known, the funny wisecracks are going to keep on coming rain or shine, regardless of whether The Pope or that church lady from down the street finds them more than a tad bit queasy! Call us insensitive, call us degrading, just don’t call us late for dinner because we’ve already got a splendid line-up of after-dinner sarcasm earmarked for just this kind of occasion and I think it goes without saying that those sucker punches aren’t getting held back any longer…order’s up, world!

Just remember, folks – we tear because we care…