Warning: The following humor column depicts scenes of graphic violence that, while hopefully both amusing and quite understandable given the sheer ignorance of the situation, is still unfortunately and entirely hypothetical and thus, one should not attempt to recreate these fictional interactions in real life unless he or she has a strong, yet twisted desire to end up in the pokey themselves. The author cannot be held liable for any events that may result from the dropping of soap if the reader opts to ignore this warning and act on those impulses that we’ve all been fighting ever since one Model-T driver cut off another without using his turn signal back in 1908…

So anyways, you ever have one of those days when you just wanted to get out of your car and punch the driver behind you squarely in the face?

For some reason, I’m just taking a wild guess that I’m not the only guy who’s ever had a day like that because, well, there are just way too many brain-dead idiots out there behind the wheel for me to be the one having all of the fun all by myself! Maybe they cut you off while coming out of a driveway onto a busy highway without bothering to look first. Maybe they were of the belief that those big, red octagonal signs everywhere simply don’t apply to them. My own personal run-in with vehicular ignorance today was with the guy who opts to drive with one hand on the wheel and the other on his horn because wherever he has to go is by far more important than where I’m going! As I looked in the mirror at the aging baby boomer behind me, railing on the center of his steering wheel like a free sample of Rogain was going to pop out if he pressed hard enough, all I could think was “What if life were more like a video game…”

Specifically, Grand Theft Auto.

You know, sometimes when communication and reasoning simply won’t do, if there’s one thing that the entertainment industry has taught us over the years, it’s that sometimes violence is the answer and when confronted with the proposition to either be a better driver or get a baseball bat to the head before having your car jacked, well, let’s just say that people usually tend to see the error in their ways! At least the ones that don’t go trying to be heroes or anything, but they get what’s coming to them…

Of course, we all know that we’re not really allowed to drag people out of their cars and beat compliance into them … at least those of us who aren’t LA cops, anyways … but how else are the rest of us supposed to deal with those idiots out there who think that the pavement was created solely for their transportation needs?! Maybe traditional violence isn’t exactly the answer, but that’s not to say that a healthy tap on the noggin with a padded bat when one acts up behind the wheel wouldn’t do some good! Perhaps we could even take it a step further and take a cue from psychiatrists ’round the world by fitting our steering wheels with some sort of electroshock capabilities that would trigger when it has been detected that the driver is acting like a complete and utter moron. Or even better, two words – ejection seats!

Hey, it could happen…

In the meantime, the only real good way that this writer has to deal with road rage is, well, by not driving altogether, and while good, old Mother Nature might appreciate the exhaust break, I still need to get from A-to-B somehow and my options are somewhat limited. The farthest I’ve ever walked is seven miles and I damn near collapsed when that was over, I haven’t owned a bicycle in over ten years, and everyone always laughs at me when I wear those spandex shorts that I bought for rollerblading – what else is a guy to do?! Come to think of it, in Grand Theft Auto after a certain point you could actually find a tank and all those who made it that far will agree that the game got pretty freakin’ sweet when you could literally run over anybody in your way, so maybe there’s more to that idea than meets the eye!

Sure, the convertible is cool, but you can’t run entire cars over with it. If anybody needs me, I’ll be doing a little “research” on usedcars.com – keyword: tank. Let’s see anybody honk at me then…