It’s amazing the kinds of things you can find to do when you should be working.
Take Google Maps, for instance – now I know that these features have actually been out for quite some time now, but when was the last time you saw that old house on Carter Street where you grew up? Why not pull it up right now?! Don’t worry – your boss won’t mind, mainly because little do you know that he’s actually doing the exact same thing with his own childhood house in his office right now! And if you thought that the satellite pictures were cool, then check out their new-(ish) Street View for a truly stalker-ish look at what the place looks all up close and personal. What’s that – there’s a person in their bathrobe checking the mail next door? Maybe you were better off moving – that sure is one hideous bathrobe…
There are all sorts of fun things that you can do with Google Maps, and even a few that don’t have to do with scoping out the houses of every person that you’ve ever been even slightly romantically involved with (rest assured, it’s only creepy if you’re the only one doing it, and you’re not – wink wink!). Second only to the illustrious MySpace, Google Maps is a great stalking tool for checking up on ex-girlfriends, ex-fiancées, ex-wives – you name it, really! If you’ve got an address, and you’re on the Internet so I don’t know why you wouldn’t, in a matter of seconds you can be zooming in on their home from above like a spy out of some sort of wanna-be science fiction movie from the ‘90s, except with much better resolution than those films ever bothered to show! Really, the only thing missing is to be able to zoom in on a live view of a pixilated ex- smoking on her back patio, but something tells me that might be pushing it a little too far – even for Internet creepiness.
Nonetheless, even with dated imagery and when you’ve had your fill of stalking for the day, there’s still plenty of amusement to be found in wandering around the virtual world presented by Google Maps – think of it kind of like World of Warcraft, but without all of the orcs and goblins and trolls constantly trying to kill you for experience points. Plus, while technically virtual in nature, it’s still a world that we all more or less know so there’s little worry about taking a wrong turn at Mount Blackrock on your dragon or wyvern or whatever the heck you fly around on in that game! Tour famous cities to peep landmarks you’ll never see in person, tour not-so-famous cities to get virtual diarrhea from Waffle Houses that you’ll never eat at in person – the possibilities truly are endless on this web of worldwide wonder, my friends…
Sure, at the end of the day they’re just maps with latitudes and longitudes and satellite imagery overlays to recreate the world in a digital manner that no globe could ever even touch – not even those really cool, old-fashioned ones that you would expect to see in the parlor of a constable or lord – but more importantly, these are maps that just got you through an otherwise boring beyond comprehension Friday without doing a single iota of filing or collating or whatever it is that they pay you to do around here!
Thank-you, Google Maps, for making our mundane workdays just a little more bearable – whether it’s for casual stalking or even just a little mindless perusing of movie theaters around town to see what’s playing, we know you’ll always be there…