I’d like to take this moment to apologize to my fellow patrons of the United States Postal Service, as it seems that I’ve gone and angered the almighty stamp gods again…or something…

And I don’t really even know what the problem is because, just for the record, I’ve always been a huge fan of those ever-friendly folks down at my local post office, with their speedy service and always smiling faces that consistently deliver approximately 43 pounds of junk mail direct to my doorstep six days a week! But mind you, at the same time that they’re dumping all of those useless advertisements at my door that will invariably end up going promptly in the trash when I return home, they’re also on occasion taking letters and postcards that I’ve scribed out myself and physically depositing them in other people’s mailboxes all across the country, and for a mere 41 cents a letter versus my actually getting in the car and driving our water bill across town to deliver it myself, that certainly seems like a bargain to me!

Oh, wait – that’s right … it’s 42 cents now, isn’t it?

You see, that’s actually what my big concern is because it just seems to me like they’re changing the postage rates faster than I can change channels on a boring, Sunday afternoon these days – who can keep up?! And frankly, just between you and me, I don’t even have a beef about the amount of the rate hikes themselves, even though it’s jumped up nearly 30% since I first joined the ranks of those who actually need to buy stamps instead of bumming one off of Mom when I had a rebate card or new BMG membership application to mail in. You could charge me 50 cents a letter, for all I care – my real concern, when it all comes down to it, is the stamps themselves…

It seems like whenever I settle in after the latest rate hike and the Postal Service guys in charge of creating new stamps finally get around to churning out a set of stamps that I can really get behind, that’s when my house of postcards comes tumbling down and the rates go up again! Star Date, September 28, 2005 – the United States Postal Service releases a truly awesome issue of stamps based on the beloved work of Jim Henson and I immediately rush out to get my hands on official Muppet stamps. My mailing days for the next couple of months were nothing short of stupendous, especially with Christmas giving me an exclusive opportunity to share my love of the Muppets with everyone on my Christmas card list, but little did I know that only a mere six days into the new year, my treasured Muppet stamps would be deemed no longer legal postage on letters both foreign and domestic … at least not without also tacking on a bit of supplemental postage, which if I remember correctly was in the form of some totally lame ancient necklace 1-cent stamps or something.

Fast-forward to last summer, when my Postal Service redeemed itself by issuing a very cool set of stamps based on the Art of Disney, and while yes, they have done Disney-oriented stamps in the past, none were sold on me quite like these ones were. Of course, as the story goes, apparently they too were simply too good to be true and just like clockwork, earlier this week the Postal Gods opted to raise their rates again and killed off those Disney stamps that had found a very special place within my heart.

I know it’s not right, but at this point I’m almost afraid to find another set of stamps to love because ultimately I know that the pain of separation just hurts too damn much.

So really, Mr. Postman – what’s a guy to do? As much as I’d like to, I can’t just go all e-mail and drop your services like a bad habit … at least not until our local water company gets off their butts and learns to embrace the age of electronic payments, anyways. And don’t get me wrong, I don’t even want to quit you – I just want you to stop taking away the stamps that I know and love. Maybe you could stop printing the prices right on them so you can just charge more, but keep using the same pictures; or maybe you could charge junk (…bulk, whatever…) mailers more so that you can keep consumer prices the same…

I don’t know – I’m not a mail genius. I’m just a guy who really likes Kermit the Frog, and Mickey Mouse, and until the rest of the country gets on board so that we can put Kermit and Mickey on the American Flag that always ends up getting new stamps first each year, how’s about cutting a mail patron a break, will ya?