Not a bad year, eh?!
Now sure, our little baby that was 2008 certainly had its ups and down, ebbs and flows, pizzas and Brussels sprouts, but really, each and every year usually tends to – a lot can happen over 365 days, you know! And that’s exactly why instead of jumping ahead of ourselves and cranking out all sorts of new resolutions that are going to be broken in three weeks anyways, I thought we’d do things a little differently around here and take the time to enjoy a bit of nostalgia as we look back at a few of the very best things to happen in the year of two thousand and eight…
Don’t worry – there will still be plenty of time to start and subsequently give up on your new diet by the end of the month!
2008 – a Hilarious Year in Review
JANUARY
Had quite possibly the most awkward conversation regarding pornography with my hairstylist – not discussing awkward pornography, like dwarf thumping or electro-horseplay, mind you, but more so awkward because it’s not exactly on my list of approved hair-cutting topics.
FEBRUARY
Made my best attempt to steer any of my fellow men back on track who somehow managed to make the biggest blunder of the dating world by forgetting the most important day of their lady’s life this side of her birthday. Don’t ask me what they were thinking…
MARCH
Unexpectedly found my calling during Easter time as a HoneyBaked Ham evangelist, temporarily setting aside entertainment and humor to help spread the joy that only HoneyBaked’s classic, sweet-glazed flavor can offer. I even mentioned its glory again in my annual review in hopes of scoring a few bonus ham points with the powers that glaze…
APRIL
I took one gigantic technological leap forward by saying goodbye to a horrendous, wanna-be cell phone provider in favor of another company who was a little more interested in giving me the ability to make and receive calls using the service that I paid them money for, and there was much rejoicing…
MAY
Got extraordinarily spoiled by the airline industry after randomly getting upgraded to first class on a trip back from New York. Said upgrade was undeniably awesome, despite the fact that since then travel on the very same airline has been one extra fee after another.
JUNE
Took the beckoning of summer as a fine opportunity to finally get caught up with Christmas, and this year only six months after the fact – a new personal record, in my book! There’s really nothing like munching on Christmas cookies in the summertime to help you forget about the fact that it’s 100 degrees in the shade outside…
JULY
Doritos really pissed me off with their latest crazy chip flavor. Don’t really know if this profoundly affected anyone else, but hey, it’s my list…
AUGUST
The 29th Annual Summer Olympics were held in Beijing, resulting in approximately 187 trillion hours of television coverage and proving once again that Americans will watch pretty much anything on TV if it will prevent them from having to go outside and actually do something physical themselves.
SEPTEMBER
Humorists from here to next Tuesday were given the golden goose of a lifetime with regards to new material when Senator John McCain announced his God-fearing, moose-hunting firecracker of a running mate, Sarah Palin. While some of the best satire of the night came out of those short three months, many of us are still working through nightmares of an icy, wink-filled world had they actually won the election…
OCTOBER
In early October, yours truly managed to pull off his greatest heist of all time by convincing a lovely woman to take my last name as her own and pledge to only have sexual relations with me for the rest of her life! Ahhh, if the bullies from my freshman year of high school could only see me now…
NOVEMBER
My fellow citizens of these United States were finally able to renew a bit of my faith in the political process by actually electing someone as President whose priorities lean more towards building stuff here in our own country instead of blowing it up in other people’s. Not necessarily funny by itself, that is, until I tack on a little “Neener neener neener!” at the end.
DECEMBER
A certain resident funny man got his holiday wish by finding the coveted Nintendo Wii under his Christmas tree on December 25th, leading many of his readers to wonder if this next column would ever actually come. In a surprising gesture of self restraint and unbridled motivation, he still managed to deliver this hilarious wordplay as scheduled, albeit presumably because an unnamed party hid the batteries to his Wiimote until he reluctantly gave in and got some work done…
Needless to say, 2008 was a great year for humor and if you know me, I’ll still be making as many callbacks to the highlights for months to come. But enough reminiscing for one day … here’s to an even more entertaining 2009 – now get your butt back on that treadmill!