Holy crap, you’re never going to believe what just happened to me!

There I was – driving down the road, minding my own business, when out of nowhere came the biggest bird you’ve ever seen! Well, aside from the one and only Big Bird, mind you – this was suburban Tampa, not Sesame Street. But still, in relation to other birds that have scared the living daylights out of me suddenly and without prejudice, this feathered, little bugger was definitely one of the bigger ones. According to my Peterson Field Guide to Birds of North America (2008 edition), technically these birds would be considered Sandhill Cranes, but just between you and me, I just took them more to be gigantic jerks.

You see, here in Florida, these cranes are like freaking squirrels, walking around like they own the place, roughing up people’s kids and stealing their lunch money, only to later blow it all on mixed nuts and berries to hoard for the winter. The first time a person sees one of these behemoths down here, it’s usually a breathtaking experience to see nature that up close and personal … that is, unless you happen to be driving and there’s a group of them loitering in the middle of the street with little to no regard for the actual intent of said street. Then it’s more like, “Get the %$^@# out of the road, you stupid birds!!! WTF?!” I swear, they’re like the deer I used to encounter up in Michigan, except that there’s not nearly enough meat on these things to make them worth just plowing through as an early birthday present for Uncle Barry. Stupid freaking birds…

So anyways, I’m driving and all of a sudden I hear the loudest squawking I’ve ever heard – sounding like it was right behind the back of my head. And keep in mind that I drive a convertible, so while the top was technically up, that still only left a thin piece of canvas between me and whatever the hell was squawking in my ear! I didn’t even have to see the thing because I knew the sound from previously watching these bastards harass other folks and trees and even their own reflections in the windows of office buildings or strip malls (I said they were jerks – not rocket scientists…). It all happened so fast that honestly I’m not even entirely sure exactly what happened, but whether he was hanging out on the side of the road and lunged at me at the last minute or even just all out landed on my car, I think it’s safe to say for the purposes of this humor column that I was attacked by a giant bird.

Now as I’ve previously hinted time and time again, I always enjoyed Big Bird growing up, so I’m not really sure what all of the hate is about. Heck, up until this column I’ve never even ranted about them online, so even if this bird or one of his buddies was an avid fan of my writing there’s nothing I can think of that I might’ve done to aggravate the beasts and send them into their frenzy of feathery rage. I mean, fortunately I was already moving along at quite the clip, so the entire experience itself was relatively short-lived, but had I been sitting in a parking lot instead of actively driving down the road? Giant bird bait – that’s all I would’ve been.

And let me tell you, when you’re cruising down the road and a giant bird’s beak comes within stabbing distance of your head, there’s only one thing on your mind – who can I blame for this particular situation? I mean, sure, it’s technically the crane’s fault for being a gigantic jerk and all, but at the same time, had I been driving a car with a top made out of metal, said potential stabbing would’ve simply resulted in the bird’s beak getting all bent up in frustration rather than my head getting turned into a sis kabob. Similar to its stance with regards to alien invasions, your average convertible top doesn’t do much to protect the car’s passengers from the sword-like beaks of giant birds, either – something that sales people at the dealership tend to stay tight-lipped about to this day…

While I don’t entirely blame the salesperson that sold us this otherwise fine automobile nearly two years ago for this near-death altercation, mind you, I must admit that it does seem a little suspect to me that not once in his two-hour sales pitch to send us off into the sunset with the car of our dreams did that guy even hint at the potential for being assailed by giant birds when cruising around town without a care in the world. Unfortunately, by now said dealer has actually gone out of business and thus was unavailable for comment on this matter, but for all I know these guys could’ve been in cahoots with the giant bird industry all along, sending kind-hearted folks such as myself out into the world in shiny, new convertibles, completely unaware of the real dangers that giant birds can present here in Central Florida.

Ultimately, as you would imagine, I’m still a bit jittery about the whole situation, but if any good can come from my experience, I’d like you to do this for me – the next time you see one of these humongous avians standing tall and acting like a hotshot, think of me as you walk up and punch that gigantic jerk right in the face. The Fish and Wildlife Federation will probably tell you that this is wrong and possibly even punishable by fines and jail time and stuff, but in reality Sandhill Cranes don’t usually have very good legal representation and at the end of the day, sometimes it’s just necessary for us to take the law into our own hands … at least when it comes to mean and scary birds like these.

Don’t let yourself become a victim like me – take charge and punch a crane, while mankind still has the upper hand…