So many pink and red stuffed animals, so much chocolate…
…and yet yours truly is having an awfully hard time scrounging up the desire to dive into that heart-shaped debocle this year. I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve already got enough on my plate between shopping for replacement garbage can lids and straining to maintain unrealistic New Years resolutions and cleaning up drunken remnants from the Super Bowl off my front yard to also factor in a healthy dose of worry about taking a walk on the mushy side without also kissing my wallet a fond goodbye.
Now I’m sure that some hardcore Valentine’s Day zealots (read: women under the age of 175) will be up in arms with the fact that we’re not dedicating every fiber of our being towards making this February 14th even more credit-score-impacting than last year, and maybe I’d have a little sympathy for y’all if us guys had our own holiday dedicated to showering us with affections of the grandest scale, although just for the record, this year’s apathy isn’t really about jealous towards this sexist day … regardless of how much we’d love a three-foot tall solid chocolate statue of Cupid, complete with real working bow and arrows and the largest glass of milk you can find…
Realistically, I think for me at least this year’s fault can more so be blamed on simply the overwhelming complexity of it all, between Valentine’s Day gifts having already dominated the shelves since roughly the day after Christmas and roughly a gajillion other stresses already bouncing around inside my head before even considering the romantic ramifications of this red-laced ritual. I mean, really, do I go with the singing alligator bearing a light-up box of chocolates or the 158-page heart-shaped diary to fill with poems of my most romantic desires or, dare I even suggest it, something that can’t be found within the confines of Wal-Mart’s seasonal Valentine’s aisles?!
…because I’m going to be honest with you – us guys don’t necessarily enjoy purchasing all of that novelty, heart-splattered, $7.99 bargain bin crap, but at the end of an already tumultuous week where we’d just as soon come home and pass out on the couch with Leno trailing off in the background, sometimes it’s just easier to phone it in with a cheap box of chocolates and a singing hippo than it would be to spend umpteen hours on the phone booking travel arrangements for an 8-night vacation in San Juan, complete with romantic walks on the beach and confrontationally seductive waiters named Rodriguez who are working for a bit more than just a 20% tip, if you know what I’m saying. And besides, not for nothing, but realistically speaking, not every year can warrant an 11-piece orchestra playing that song from your sweet sixteen party that you kissed your first boy to under a pale moon sky … sorry ladies, but sometimes it’s just a singing hippo kind of year…
…and frankly, with the economy the way it’s been, maybe you should just be happy that the hippo is even singing at all! For there are plenty of other assorted purple and red stuffed animals in that bin and not all of them are predisposed to belting out Let’s Get It On every time you squeeze their lovable, asbestos-filled little bellies. And I know that this probably sounds like a bit of a downer for you, especially considering that many of you have been eyeing the jewelry stores ever since Santa neglected to get you those diamond earrings that you wanted for Christmas (Hey, don’t look at me – I was just as shocked as you were when jolly, old St. Nick let you down that morning!), but remember this – every surprise that you don’t get on Valentine’s Day is just one more thing that we can woo you with come our anniversary or your birthday, and unlike Valentine’s Day, you don’t have to share either of those with anyone else!
Well, it’d be nice if you could maybe split the anniversary with us 60/40 or something this year, but we can continue that discussion at a later day closer to our actual anniversary date … whenever that might happen to be. In the meantime, though, enjoy your smooth-talking hippo as a humble symbol of my undying love. Just try to keep it down, though – it’s been a long week…