I don’t want to shock anyone, but since we’re talking about what goes into making these weekly humor columns that we all love so much, in the interest of full disclosure I feel like I need to tell you guys something…
Not everything that I write is technically what you might refer to as, well, “true.”
Like, for example, a couple of weeks ago I wrote a rather fitting tribute to National Ice Cream Day in which I shared all sorts of wonderful tidbits about how the day was actually proclaimed by Former President Reagan, and how a number of establishments give out free samples on this day, and I even told a charming, little anecdote relating my own celebrations of said day to those of a certain cookies and stockings and presents-oriented holiday that also happens to be a personal favorite of mine! Therein, I might have hinted that the frozen flavors for this holiday are, in fact, delivered by a single, particularly jolly man via chimney in the middle of the night to only the good little boys and girls, however in retrospect I’ll admit that this may have not been entirely 100% accurate. To put it another way, there is no magical ice cream truck driver who delivers all of the treats and goodies on National Ice Cream Day Eve.
Presumably, it’s actually some sort of bunny who does the delivering, which kind of makes sense because it would be a lot easier for a rabbit to fit down all of those chimneys than a giant, refrigerated truck … but really, that’s just common sense, people…
The thing is, sometimes a writer needs to make things up. You wouldn’t believe how the subtle art of creative elaboration can be an absolute lifesaver when you’ve got a deadline that’s fast approaching and you’re rapidly running out of time, or when your story is coming up just a wee bit short on the old word count, or even when frankly you just don’t feel like looking up facts! Whether you’re simply making up a new and much more fear-inducing term for donating blood or even being so bold as to offer up the nomination of an animated, intergalactic space defender for the ballot to elect the next President of the United States, let’s face it – makin’ stuff up gets things done where truthiness and factuality just dawdle.
And seriously, who has time for all of that?! I’m a busy guy, and those keyboard-playing cats out there on the Internets aren’t going to watch themselves!
I think when it all comes down to it, the important thing to take away from today’s poetic doctrine is that even though your favorite humor columnists may occasionally create strange and new versions of the actual truth out of thin air or possibly even less, it’s ok because we’re only doing it to be funny. It’s not like we’re coming up with these elaborately-woven narratives just to deceive you and make your life even more confusing, like some sort of politician or middle school sex ed. instructor or something. We simply aim to amuse, even if it means telling that one really embarrassing story about how somebody can’t spend the night at home by myself without worrying that his house is going to get broken into by a burglar or an owl or something…
…even though like many other random things, that’s a perfectly legitimate concern…
Our final assignment for next Friday?! Procrastination and waiting until the last minute…
…and why those are bad things, mind you!