Oh, jeeesh!  Why didn’t anybody tell me it was getting so late?!

Don’t get me wrong – I absolutely love what I do, but if you were to ask me the single most frustrating thing about being a humor columnist, my answer would be pretty simple…

The health insurance.

…then probably the impending fear of nobody actually laughing at the things I write.

But third would definitely be the deadlines!  I mean, talk about the bane of really any writer’s existence – our lives would be infinitesimally easier if it wasn’t for our deadlines … velvet ropes would part, champagne would rain from the skies, and Santa Claus would deliver presents every single day of the year. Oh man, it would be so amazing, I think I need just a moment to collect myself after even thinking about it…

Of course, the reality of the situation is that as much as us writers despise our deadlines, that’s actually the exact reason why we need them because otherwise … we’d never get anything done!  The truth is, 90% of all writing is done at the last minute, whether it be cookbook recipes or new episodes of The Simpsons or even humor columns just like this one that you’re reading right now, and frankly, we’d have probably put them off even longer if it wasn’t for readers like you who actually look forward to our latest witty banter and/or delicious soufflé recipes on a regular basis.  In a way, it’s you guys who keep us on task and give us a reason to do more than just sit around in our pajamas eating Pop-Tarts all day!

I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if procrastination wasn’t such an appealing diversion to actual work – I mean, I could probably write a whole separate column just on procrastination, but then again, that wouldn’t exactly get me any closer to actually finishing this one, now would it?!  Thanks to everything from the Internet, TV, cell phones, iPods, satellite radio, and even just looking out the ole’ window, putting off work as long as humanly possible has become easier than ever in this technological wonderland of ours…

Case in point – it took me roughly four and a half hours just to write this last paragraph!

Seriously, though, I think the only way for a writer to maintain any sense at all of his or her own sanity is to somehow come to terms and learn to live with their own dreaded deadlines.  And don’t get me wrong – I’m certainly not saying not to fear your deadlines!  On the contrary, of course you should still fear them – fear them like the mother-in-law who comes to “visit” and then ends up staying for the next three years just out of spite! Because it’s only from that overwhelming, career-threatening, ego-shattering fear that truly great writing emerges – as they say, nothing good has ever been written at 2:00pm on your average Wednesday afternoon.

Now with that sentiment, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to take this opportunity to be proactive with my deadlines and get a jump start on next week’s column…

Just kidding!