In fact, it’s so muggy that…

…so muggy that…

…so muggy that I’m just plain physically exhausted trying to come up with a sufficiently dreadful way to describe it.

Really, if it was my call, at this point I’d just throw in the towel and send everyone home to crank up the air conditioning and spend the summer sprawled out in front of Old Mother Television with a bucket of ice cream in one hand and a Piña Colada in the other!  Of course, as a result half the businesses in Florida would probably go bankrupt and by next summer none of us would be able to afford to run our ACs full-tilt whilst simultaneously up to our necks in ice cream and booze, but hey, drastic quantities of water vapor in the air call for drastic measures…

I mean, don’t get me wrong – I absolutely love living in Florida, as opposed to other mitten-shaped states which shall remain nameless in all of their snow-covered gloom!  There’s no denying that living a shovel-free existence for the last seven years has played an primary role in my overall happiness as a person, and you probably couldn’t get me to move back to a region where the phrase “I need to go clear the driveway…” is commonplace for all the tea in China … and if you had any idea just how much my wife loves tea, you’d know how many brownie points that would be worth around my house!

To summarize – snow sucks, folks … I don’t think I can stress that enough here!

Still, as the prolific they have been known to say, every region has its crappy weather and while we may not have mountains of ice and snow up to our knickers down here in the Sunshine State, instead we do happen to have a rather significant abundance of heat and water, and when you mix copious amounts of each together into a humidity stew of sorts, it’s really only a matter of time before that kettle done runneth over and when it does, my friends, that’s what’s known here in Florida as the first day of Summer. Pets gasp when you first take them outside to pee, old people gasp even though you let them stay inside when they pee, and in general any trip out of doors feels like you’re being hit dead-on by a freight train traveling through a monsoon with its windows down…

It’s a horrible time of year to be a Floridian, really, which is why if you happen to travel down in this direction during any of those traditional summer months like June through August, you won’t see a single Florida resident actually outside during your entire stay because, well, by now most of us tend to know better! You may see the occasional blurry figure zip through the parking lot or even occasionally extend a single finger through the doorway to test the day’s muggy as hell quotient, but as for actual activities outside like jogging or perhaps a leisurely evening game of croquet?

Nope.

No way.

Not gonna happen!

Of course, for any crazy tourists who may have made non-refundable travel arrangements or are possibly even already here at the heart of our muggy mayhem as we speak, don’t worry – I’ve got a few tips to help you beat the heat and slugg the mugg(-iness) so that at least you have a better chance of surviving to book during a slightly less apocalyptic season sometime in the distant future…

  • Find a nice spot at the beach or in a swimming pool and make it your own.  No, literally bring some snacks and a comfy pillow, and don’t budge for anybody because until it’s time to fly back to Idaho or whatever spudly state that you call home, you’re not going anywhere.
  • Learn to breathe underwater.  This is crucial because go figure, the one place where the mugginess can’t get you is underwater, so it’s going to be a real pain if you have to keep coming up for air every forty-five seconds.
    • I was just recently told of these doodads called snorkels, so if the whole developing gills thing is proving to be a challenge, this might be another option to consider.  Twelve bucks at Walmart, on-sale this week only…
  • Take some time to reflect on your summertime vacation options for the future.  If for some reason you still believe that Florida has a place in that list, hold your head under the water for just a few seconds extra between breaths – your brain deserves the punishment for that kind of crazy, irrational thinking!

But above all else, know deep within your heart that someday you will return to the Sunshine State for another break from reality, and when you do, next time you’ll be smart enough to pick a season when your sunglasses don’t fog up the moment you step outdoors!  Just think, without all of this unyielding, life-sucking humidity to weigh you down, you’ll be able to go to Disney World and experience temperatures below 90 degrees without it coincidentally also being three o’clock in the morning; you’ll be able to partake in vigorous games of beach volleyball and not have to worry about heatstroke overcoming your entire body like the weight of a thousand suns at every volley; and if that’s not enough, you’ll even have the unique opportunity to tour the majestic Florida Everglades without worrying about the muggy madness taking you over that point where you actually start to wonder, “What if it is cooler inside of an alligator’s mouth than it is out here???  They are cold-blooded, after all…”

Really, the sky’s the limit when you visit Florida in not the summer, so book your travel plans for a humidity-free vacation in the spring, winter, or fall today!