Ladies and gentlemen – I don’t mean to brag, but I think I’ve officially found heaven … assuming that it can be purchased from the grocery store for $2.98 a can, anyways…
…also, my diet is so totally screwed…
Seriously – as if frosting via plastic tub wasn’t bad enough, they’ve seen fit to take it a step further by eliminating the need for even a knife with which to apply this sugary decadence altogether and replacing it with a simple, easy to use, frost first, ask questions later-style spray can similar to what we’ve come to know and love (and eventually later on regret) from the laziest snack food of all time – Easy Cheese … because apparently it just wasn’t enough to have bacon-flavored cheese product at our fingertips – now we have chocolate frosting, too.
And the thing is, nobody asked for this. We’ve all felt guilty at one point or another by eating frosting right out of the tub … plastic tub, that is, although I’d bet that some of us have also hit that all-time low of even eaten out of the plastic tub from the luxury of our own bathtub as well … which just further accentuates my overindulgent point – we don’t need even easier access to chocolate frosting!!! Spoonfuls right out of the tub are bad enough without the temptation to just shoot the stuff directly into your mouth because mark my words, folks, the gluttony doesn’t stop there … in fact, in actuality it’s really only the beginning…
When man has the power of chocolate frosting at his fingertips, everything becomes a candidate for desserthood. Sure, it starts off innocent – a batch of brownies here, or maybe some plain, old cookies from the cupboard there, but eventually the experimentation phase begins … crackers, whole wheat toast, that macaroni and cheese shaped like dinosaurs that’s supposed to just be for little kids. Soon you’re frosting things with chocolate that are technically already covered in chocolate like granola bars and fudge-dipped Oreos and Hershey’s Kisses until ultimately you decide to try coating your own fingers with frosting before finally throwing all caution (and dignity) to the wind and just filling your mouth full of the stuff like you used to do with canned whipped cream at two in the morning when you were back in high school.
But the truth of the matter is, you’re not in high school anymore. You have a job that doesn’t involve a drive-thru window, your wardrobe is almost entirely barren of tie-dyed Led Zeppelin t-shirts, and you can really only get stoned on the weekends anymore … and even that’s dependent on whether you’re able to find a babysitter. You don’t need to put chocolate frosting on your cornflakes, and on your banana, and in your morning coffee – even if this newfound, spray can technology technically makes it possible. And I’m not saying that you should become a monk and live a life devoid of chocolate frosting because on the right foods, chocolate frosting is a wonderful thing that should be savored and enjoyed … but first, you must have the willpower to resist that easy-to-use applicator and its seemingly endless array of indulgent possibilities…
It’s a kind of willpower that frankly I, for one, do not have, but with any luck as I attempt to clean the chocolate frosting from my keyboard while I type these last words, they can at least serve as a warning to you nonetheless if you should dare to venture down the road of no-fuss, canned frostings yourself. Remember – with great frosting comes great responsibility … and possibly also great shame.
In fact, mostly just the shame, actually. Trust me on this one – just rich and creamy, easily-dispensed chocolate deliciousness, and several sugarcoated servings of shame…