I’ve done a bad, bad thing, my lazy, procrastinating friends…

I’m not proud of what I’ve done.  It was a no-good, rotten, despicable thing to do and frankly I feel absolutely horrible about it, but because we all know that trust is paramount between a humor columnist and his adoring readers in this otherwise fickle world of lies and deceit, I feel compelled to just come clean and let you know straight up – I started my Christmas shopping early this year.

Please don’t be mad at me!  I never meant for it to be like this – I swear, but somehow I guess it just sort of happened – one minute I was just wandering around the mall minding my own business, and the next thing I knew I was carrying around one shopping bag after another filled with the very cheese graters and singing fish that my friends and relatives have no doubt been dreaming of all year long!

Ooops – if you happen to read this, Uncle Bob – just try and act surprised … I think you’ll find that it really is a pretty amazing cheese grater once you let loose and find your grating groove!

Anyways, the fact of the matter is that despite it still being a mind-boggling 37 days until Christmas, here I am today with nearly 65% of my holiday shopping already done behind me and also an embarrassingly heavy heart for all those who normally look to me as a shining beacon of frivolous dilly-dallying, but if it comes as any consolation whatsoever, let it be known here today that I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make this right – if it means putting off the rest of my 2011 Christmas shopping until next February, or hell, even make it September if we have to – anything to fix this topsy-turvy cosmic balance and get me out of this Bizarro World completely devoid of people scrambling around at the last minute, settling for whatever random scattered remains have been left behind on the shelves just so that they have something to slap a bit of wrapping paper on and throw under the tree just before the stroke of midnight on Christmas Eve!

Ahhhh – it may seem like chaos to some, but those are my people…

Getting the Christmas shopping done with months to spare might very well be the cat’s pajamas for those more “ambitious” among us, but for me, I couldn’t even imagine going through the month of December unencumbered with the knowledge that those last few days leading up to the big day itself were going to be insanely busy as I run around town like a wild chicken, searching furiously for anything remotely resembling Christmas gifts to cover each and every last name on my ever-expanding Christmas list!  For us procrastinators, the holidays are a carefree time of relaxation and bliss, right up until the last possible minute when we tackle a year’s worth of to-do lists in one single night, much like another certain someone who chooses to put off all of his holiday responsibilities until one final mad rush at the absolute last minute.

You don’t see Santa Claus out there delivering presents early, do you?!  What can I say – I take my lead straight from the top, and next year, I promise to do Father Christmas proud and get back to the predictable procrastination that this season is really all about…