Then I suppose I probably shouldn’t even bother asking about these little, chocolate donuts or the carton of Ben & Jerry’s that I “found” hidden in the freezer…

Boy – dieting sure would be a lot more fun if I didn’t have to feel like I had been banished from every delicious, mouthwatering morsel of junk food I’ve ever known!

I mean, I know that I can’t really complain too loudly because when push comes to pounds, I actually have been doing pretty well at losing weight this year for a change.  Dropping a little over 20 pounds in five months without even having to cut a limb off or anything does seem like quite the accomplishment when you consider just how many years prior I’ve spent finding pounds as opposed to the more obvious goal of trying to lose them! And yet despite such unprecedented (and frankly unexpected!) success, I still can’t help but catch myself occasionally mourning the loss of all those decadent indulgences that I used to love oh so dearly as afternoon snacks and late night desserts and even the occasional all-night, junk food extravaganza where my Friday nights were spent going through a large pizza, a mountain of Dr. Pepper cans, and a stack of video games, and I’d still manage to wake up feeling fantastic sometime the next afternoon!

Ahhh – to have the metabolism of a skinny, college geek for just one more day…

Nowadays, though, all it takes is me looking at a box of Pop-Tarts in the grocery store to feel my waistline expanding proportionally, as if to preemptively make room for the chocolate-frosted sweetness to come.  They say that even when dieting, you should still be able to enjoy just about anything in “moderation,” but not for nothing – one doesn’t exactly get a Weeble-like figure for being a honed master in the realm of moderation! In the end it became abundantly clear that snack food sobriety was the only way that I was ever going to shed any of this excess me, and that was going to mean saying farewell to some very dear, sweet and savory friends…

  • Potato Chips – “Nobody can eat just one…”?! Not when you sell them in “snack size,” “family size,” and “jumbo size!,” we can’t!  If there’s one thing I’ve learned – avoid anything labeled jumbo, lest ye want to eventually earn that title yourself!
  • Caramello – Probably one of my favorite caramel-based candy bars from my youth, straight from the same people who bring us those creepy Easter bunny commercials to promote their chocolate eggs.  Even the name is fun to say – “Caramello!”
  • Oreos – Did you know that they now have frosting that tastes like Oreo filling?  Even ice cream?! The double-stuffed cookies were wonderful enough on their own – as soon as somebody invents Oreo filling-flavored toothpaste, I’m a goner…
  • Pop-Tarts – I loved growing up on these things, and the flavors back then were boring compared to what they’ve got now!  Strawberry Milkshake?! Pumpkin Pie?!?!  Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough?!?!?! Or a wheat bagel with a banana for breakfast – hmmmm…
  • Pretty Much Anything from the Dessert Case at the Bakery – It doesn’t take a dietary nutritional specialist to realize that when you can taste the sugar in that fudge frosting from two aisles over, it’s time to take a deep breath and just walk away.

I try to keep telling myself that ultimately it’s going to be worth it in the end when I no longer have to worry about my gravity pulling satellites out of orbit or wonder if people are going to try and roll me back into the sea when I go to the beach, but regardless of how thin and buff and sexy … well – who am I kidding?! – at least how no longer obese I manage to get myself through this diet, there’s always going to be a part of me that yearns for the Double Stuf Oreos and Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tarts that I’ve been forced to leave behind…

Specifically, that part of me will be my stomach, and possibly also the various tastebuds that are dedicated to savoring deliciousness amidst a sea of sugary calories.

This ginormous belly that has been used to lug all of those excess treats around over the past 7 or 8 years, on the other handmaybe not so much!