I guess there’s really no delicate way for me to introduce this, so I’ll just come right out and say it – this week, I want to talk about dog farts.

For those of you with that repulsed look on your faces, maybe it’s best for the both of us if you just try back again next week, when I promise to write about unicorns or butterflies or something else just a wee bit less “intense…”

As for the rest of you, though – if you’re still around at this point, something tells me you know exactly why this needs to be discussed because frankly, what we’re talking about here is clinically one of the most horrific, disgusting, abominable odors ever to come out of a living creature’s orifice … ever!!!*

* Don’t expect to ever see this as an award category from those prudes at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show anytime soon, though…

Your dog makes them, my dog makes them – smells that have been known to evacuate buildings and lead to the filing of divorce paperwork … smells that make you envy He Who Must Not Be Named for the unintentionally beneficial deformity of not actually having a nose … smells that make you question all that is fair and just in this simple world, not to mention what in the world this dog could possibly be eating while you’re not around to build up such noxious, paralyzing fumes inside such a relatively small puppy!  We’ve tried opening windows, we’ve tried pointing fans directly at our dog’s butt in an attempt to more quickly dissipate said toxic gases … there doesn’t exist a powerful enough air freshener, not for commercial nor industrial use, that could stand a chance to combat the odors that this dog emits from her humble rear.

I honestly don’t know how the dogs can even handle it themselves!  I mean, here’s our puppy who can smell me thinking about making a sandwich from all the way across the house … you’d think with that super-powered sniffer of hers, one whiff of her own high-magnitude blast would be enough to send her into some sort of coma, the likes of which have only ever been observed by people who think that they’ve been abducted by aliens, or at the very least knock her clear off the bed and out into the living room for her to stink up another part of the house that we don’t have to sleep in 8 hours a day!

I swear, sometimes I miss the good, old days when she would just crap right there in the middle of the floor and get it over with because at least that I could bag up and throw out with the garbage…

Who knows – maybe dogs are actually immune to odors specifically that come out of one another’s butts … it would actually kinda make sense, considering how they’ve chosen to greet each other amongst so many other non-butt-sniffing options available to them.  Or maybe they just do it out of spite, you know, as a little payback for not letting them eat people food like we do and expecting them to jump around and do all sorts of special tricks just for the same kinds of “treats” that they see our fat asses scarfing down all day long without a single high-five or rollover in sight…

If there’s but one thing (…one butt thing?) to come out of this aromatic acknowledgement, however, I suppose you could cite this – it should be known far and wide that once a man welcomes a dog into his home, his beloved wife will never have any ground to give him grief whatsoever about farting in the bed ever again! Our own farts may not exactly smell like roses by any stretch of the imagination – that’s for sure, but nonetheless, they’ll never hold a candle to the room-clearing, witness-relocating fumes that our four-legged little best friends seem to be particularly fond of producing when we absolutely least expect it.

Speaking of candles, though – I guess that’s one thing that I haven’t tried yet!  So if you happen to see a small explosion off on the horizon…