Ever notice how all of the best holidays also seem to have the best candy?

I’m not complaining about this, mind you.  As far as I’m concerned, a Valentine’s Day without chocolate peanut butter hearts and milk chocolate M&Ms in the coordinated reds and whites and pinks really isn’t any kind of celebration of love that I want to be a part of!  True love means occasionally catering to your partner’s greatest weaknesses by presenting them with a life-size chocolate replica of your first date together, or at the very least a nice, heart-shaped box delivered to them personally at work by a singing gorilla in a pink tutu…

But for me, candy and sweets have become such a holiday highlight that I’m to the point where I won’t even celebrate a holiday if chocolate isn’t somehow involved.  St. Patrick’s Day?  Nope.  Flag Day?  Boring.  Presidents Day?  Call me when Reese’s has a peanut butter cup shaped like Abe Lincoln’s head and then we’ll talk!

If they were smart, the people behind all of these annual celebrations that will hereafter be referred to as “the boring holidays” would take a clue from Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and the Great Pumpkin for having the brilliant revelation that chocolate and candy and sugar-induced sweets could only help to make their festivities even more awesome than they already were on their own.  These revolutionaries were smart enough to realize that as much as people love presents and hide and seek and running around the neighborhood dressed up as pirates and dinosaurs in the middle of the night, there was still something even more that could be done to really push their respective days over the top…

Frankly, if you ask me, I think that teaming up with chocolate was probably the single best thing that the awesome holidays ever did for themselves because no matter if you accidentally get somebody the wrong Christmas gift or spell their name wrong on their valentine, at the end of the day chocolate is still the great equalizer because everyone loves chocolate and anyone who tells you otherwise is a delirious crazy person who clearly just needs more chocolate in their diet, possibly force fed to them if they insist on continuing with any such nonsense otherwise!

There’s a reason why this stuff is the go-to mediator for all of life’s little oops’ – chocolate contains a very special ingredient called deliciousness which chemically infuses with the brain to give its bearer what the scientific community refers to as “a pass” for whatever stupid grievances may have gotten the family SUV stuck in the decorative fountain at the mall in the first place.  Just offer up a pound of Godiva’s finest, wait 30 minutes for maximum indulgence, and then quietly look up the name for the local towing company while the wife is preoccupied none-the-wiser with chocolate’s divine decadence.  Just like magic, only you don’t have to wear a funny hat to use it … not if you don’t want to, anyways…

But back to the holidays, mind you!  As we wrap up this randomly necessary tribute to pretty much the greatest gift ever to find itself crammed inside a heart-shaped metallic box, let us be clear about one thing – it’s not too late for any of those “boring holidays” that want to redeem themselves and bring honor, and valor, but mostly just chocolate back into their celebratory festivities.  For chocolate is by no means a zero-sum game – in fact, chocolate only grows even more awesome with every elf, bunny, and lucky leprechaun that sign on for its mission, and there’s always room for one more mint, cherry, or peanut butter-stuffed tribute when chocolate comes to town!

So many holidays, so many possibilities … honestly, Mr.Lincoln – I dare say that a little milk chocolate might suit you just fine…