Go ahead and groan all you want – you knew that we were eventually going to have to do this sooner or later.  I mean, we’re almost all the way through January in its entirety, and I would be remiss as your life counselor and personal purveyor of comedic wordplay if I didn’t at least take a few moments to touch on New Years resolutions sometime this month while the year is still relatively young and the bad habits are still somewhat inebriated from the festivities and thus all the more easier to break.

Now the truth is, I’ll admit, that I don’t like resolutions any more than you do, to the extent that I was originally going to rub it in that I gave you almost an entire month before even bringing them up, when the truth is that hell, I haven’t even written my own resolutions yet! Talk about a horrible way to lead by example, I know, but blame it on the frigid weather, getting sick, a lousy economy, political quarreling, and a bevy of above average movies currently playing on HBO, not to mention trying to recover mentally, physically, and emotionally from the holidays and, well, now we’re just making excuses for ourselves, aren’t we?

Or are we???

Here’s some food for thought – frankly, I think that January is a lousy time to try and make any worthwhile changes to your life because there are just too many distractions – you’re just coming off of an extended holiday break, meaning that society is actually starting to expect you to actually do things once again; the holidays may be over, but the cookies and candies and other random, miscellaneous treats still linger around the house to serve as small, dietary cheats for weeks to come; and even just the mood in general is all apprehensive and judgmental, as if the entire world is just watching and waiting for you to fall off the wagon, either proverbially or literally, depending on your specific New Years resolution(s) of choice…

That’s why I’m personally not all that concerned about not yet having my own resolutions written – if anything, I would say that now is, in fact, the perfect time to finally sit down and scribble a few noteworthy self improvements down to try to strive for over the next eleven months.  At the same time that most people are being declared absolute failures with regards to the goals that they set only moments before clinking martini glasses or heading out to spend roughly seventeen hours corralled in Times Square for the ceremonial dropping of the shiny ball, we technically haven’t failed at anything yet … unless you count the act of actually choosing one’s resolutions in the first place, which we’re not going to!  While all of our friends and family are throwing in the towel and dropping out of the race, thus effectively returning to the previous lives that they wanted so desperately to get away from – that’s when the rest of us will finally stand up and give this challenge a healthy go!

And we’re going to get through this thing together, now that we’ve actually taken the initiative to start, that is, because if there’s one thing that humor columnists like me are good at, it’s getting things done … eventually. We may not always be the first to cross the finish line.  Hell, sometimes we don’t even show up the same day that the race is scheduled to begin!  But when push comes to shove and when most others have either failed miserably, dropped out, or simply lost interest altogether – that’s our time to shine, my friends!

So with those inspiring words energizing your desire to be the better person that you were kinda thinking about, but not really enough to actually make any plans for improvement a month ago, I want you to now put that pen to paper, write out exactly what you want to do in this new and exciting year that we’ve dubbed 2010, and then get your butt out there and start working on it!  Don’t worry – I’ll be right here with you every step of the way … well, actually I need to go and grab something from the other room first, and then I was actually thinking about getting a bite to eat and maybe running some errands, but you just go on ahead and get started and I’ll catch up just as soon as I can…

This is going to be a great year for resolutions – I can feel it already!

That’s right, folks – not just one, but two editions of The Humor Column this week … call it a little Christmas gift from me to you because, well, I don’t make nearly enough to buy you all new cars, but we can address that next year…

Nonetheless, I trust by now you’ve already torn into all of those presents that a certain extra-large, red-suited gentleman may have left under your tree last night as you dreamed of sugarplums and dirt bikes and giant dinosaurs made out of LEGOs.  With any luck your admirable behavior throughout the year has earned you all of your greatest wants and wishes from this year’s list, thus leaving you the remainder of the morning to spend assembling cities and waging wars on the living room carpet while all of the delectable smells of Christmas dinner begin to waft in from the kitchen.

In the meantime, though, as we all play with our new toys and eat snowman-shaped chocolates that are sure to ruin our dinner, I thought this might also be a good opportunity for me to tell a classic Christmas tale from my own childhood – one that taught me a very valuable lesson that I still hold true to this day.  It all happened on a day quite like this…

The year was 1995.

It was a cold and blustery winter in Northern Michigan, namely because there’s no such thing as a green Christmas when you live in Northern Michigan.  Instead, it starts snowing sometime just before Halloween and if you’re lucky, Mother Nature finally decides to give it a rest by the following Easter.  This year she had been particularly brutal, as noted by the mountainous snow drifts that Mom had to plow through in the minivan to drive me to school each morning.

Now I was merely a freshman in high school, meaning that while I was technically starting to grow up, I was still very much filled with all of the angst and stubbornness and blatant cynicism that ultimately made me a teenager.  Case in point – here we were in the middle of December with temperatures in the single digits and snow drifts higher than most cars, and yet nonetheless I insisted on wearing sandals to school.  Not exactly my finest hour, intellectually speaking…

But all in all there were probably about half a dozen of us in my class that did this – we were what you might refer to today as “idiots,” at least with regards to footwear preference despite adverse weather conditions, but you know how teenagers are – they’ll do anything to be different, even if that means getting frost bite.  And yet somehow throughout the course of that year-and-a-half phase, miraculously I didn’t lose any extremities to the icy cold, thanks in no doubt to my secret weapon – wool socks.

Well as it just so happened as this particular Christmas rapidly approached, I found myself to some extent indifferent with regards to what people got me for presents that year.  I mean, I was pretty busy at the time, what between starting to really notice girls while also simultaneously being absolutely petrified to talk to them, so needless to say my mind was thusly focused elsewhere and when family asked me what I’d like to find under the tree, so to speak, my typical response was simply the classic teenage “I dunno…” or “Whatever…” No actual insight whatsoever – frankly, it’s a wonder I managed to get anything at all that holiday season!

However it seems that through all of said teenage apathy, one unique suggestion did somehow slip through the cracks and despite what can only be assumed was a blatant display of sarcastic intent, said suggestion was followed to the degree that pretty much anyone who’s ever had to tolerate teenage smart-assery could dream of.  And by this point I’m sure you can probably already guess what happened next because low and behold, when it came time to open presents from my extended family, sure enough I opened a small and compactly-shaped package to find … yep, one of my relatives had actually given me socks for Christmas…

Of course, there was little argument to be made – I mean, technically “they were what I had asked for” and they did proceed to keep my feet moderately toasty throughout the remainder of my inclination to wear inappropriate footwear phase of growing up, but more importantly, friends, there was a lesson learned that afternoon as I sat there with my cousins, morosely holding my new socks as they excitedly tore open Nerf guns and remote-controlled helicopters and countless other awesome gifts that quite distinctly weren’t socks. That lesson was this – don’t be a smartass when someone asks you what you want for Christmas … they just might be a smartass, too.

And you’d better believe that the following year, yours truly was much more specific about his holiday desires … even if it meant just asking for gift cards and figuring it out later on my own time!  Returning to school from winter break was tough that year because, well, a gift like socks doesn’t exactly put you at the top of the bragging list, but you know what they say – what Christmas gifts don’t kill you only make you stronger.

Of course, there was also that year when one of my uncles “accidentally” swapped my present for a box full of bricks – another traumatic situation, as you can probably imagine, but we’ll save that one for another day!  As for today, though – I hope that everyone who makes The Humor Column a regular part of their weekly reading has a wonderful Christmas, and for those of you who still have gift exchanges in the days to come, may they be filled with remote-controlled dinosaurs and laser guns and chemistry sets, and most of all nothing even closely resembling socks…

A guy’s Christmas list says a lot about what kind of person he is.  Some guys want nothing but the most expensive, high-tech toys that money can buy (i.e. the fun stuff) while others prefer more sensible items like clothes and electric razors (i.e. the boring stuff).  And believe it or not, there’s even a select group of troubled spirits who cite that they don’t want anything for Christmas, but those type of people depress me so we’re not going to talk about them here today on Christmas Eve, of all days!

As for me, when *I* unwrap gifts on Christmas morning I want them to be unique, and not so much unique as in hideous sweaters that nobody would be caught dead in as much as just the types of gifts that I would enjoy, but might not necessarily purchase myself.  When it comes to Christmas, I’m not interested in practicality – if I would pick it up myself at Walmart on a random Tuesday night, I don’t want to find it underneath my tree!  But show me singing fish and Mario-themed slippers and board games about sexual innuendos and I’ll be one happy humorist come Christmas morn…

So with that said, I’ve put together the following list of a few suggestions for what yours truly wouldn’t mind discovering underneath our tree tomorrow morning.  Whether Santa chooses to indulge my meager requests and really knock one out of the park this year or once again cuts corners by giving me more conventional presents in place of something truly awesome, believe you me – as soon as I know, you’ll know!

HoneyBaked Ham’s Ham of the Month Club
To enjoy their luscious ham come Christmastime is truly divine, but to also have the luxury of partaking in its sweet and succulent deliciousness all year long?! Mmmmm – my taste buds are already salivating with delight … talk about a way to make checking the mail a whole lot more exciting!  You get the crackers and cheese, and I’ll go wait by the mailbox…

Go-Go-Gadget Wheels
Those of you who follow me on Twitter know that road rage is a big part of my life, so this particular gift is intended to help alleviate some of those less than pleasant experiences!  It seems like it should be pretty simple, too – just install some of those awesome, telescoping spider legs underneath my car so that I can rise up above and drive over all of the idiots that I tend to encounter on a daily basis and suddenly city driving actually seems … tolerable!

Victoria’s Secret(s)
What’s so special about a $49 pair of underwear?  Why are the salesladies so snooty when their entire job consists of convincing guys that our wives, girlfriends, or significant lady-friend others will love us long time for a pair of $49 underwear?  What’s the return policy for said underwear if, for some odd reason, our wives, girlfriends, or significant lady-friend others don’t become the amazing sex goddesses that the commercials portray after unwrapping them on Christmas morning?

I don’t know about you, but I know that I’m ready to know the answers to these questions…

LEGO Stego
Sure, the one that my wife bought me for my birthday this year was pretty sweet, but I think I’m ready to take the next step in LEGO awesomeness … even if it means giving up my parking spot in the garage to do so!  Of course, there’s always the issue of the time that would be required to assemble such a massive display of toy brick architecture, not to mention what I would assume would be the overwhelming desire to continue to build an entire Jurassic Park out of LEGOs once the first dino has been “born,” but we can always cross that bridge when we get to it!

Hedonism-Sized Chocolate Fountain
Some days you want to dip merely a strawberry or maybe some nice banana slices in a light chocolate fondue, while others you might prefer to just cut right to the chase and dip your entire body in rich and creamy milk chocolate.  You probably won’t find this treat at your average wedding, bar mitzvah, or company Christmas party, but sanitationally speaking, it’s probably one of those things where you’re just better off owning your own anyways…

My Very Own Muppet
Pretty much the best gift for any true Muppet fan aside from The Muppet Show coming back on the air after twenty-eight years, what better way to say, “You’re kind of a weirdo, but Merry Christmas anyways…” than with a genuine Muppet extra that looks exactly like them?! Purple hair, blue skin, round, beady eyes – the similarities are uncanny!

A Pinball Machine
Just between you and me, I think the epitome of coolness is having your own pinball machine – it trumps having a pool, a pool table, or even simply being in charge of the neighborhood carpool.  I used to play a bit of pinball myself back in the day and while truth be told I was actually pretty horrible at it, I think I’m finally at a place in my life where with a good 6 – 8 hours a day of practice, I could probably hone my skills considerably…

Best of luck to all of you as you strive to unwrap awesomeness less than 24 hours from now, and may all of your Christmas gifts be unique!

It happens to the best of us, typically brought on by the worst of us – participate in this gift exchanging rollercoaster long enough and eventually you’re going to be faced with quite possibly the worst Christmastime scenario of all – receiving a gift that you don’t like. You could bury it in the back of the closet and try to forget it ever entered into your life, you could even force yourself to use it every single day in hopes of one day eventually learning to love it, but most people don’t have that kind of patience.  Instead they opt for the more efficient, and likewise also more controversial alternative – re-gifting.

Now whether we’re talking about a crappy office gift or even something much more personal from your dear Aunt Matilda, re-gifting can be a tricky affair and it’s important to know the risks involved before you take the plunge and attempt to pass a present on to a more appropriate recipient.  There’s always the potential for good, old Auntie to start asking questions the next time she comes to visit and notices that the limited edition NASCAR commemorative plate collection that she gave you last Christmas isn’t prominently out for display on your mantle, and even that’s not as bad as the absolute worst case re-gifting scenario that involves said hideous race car plates getting passed around town like an old hat before finally ending up addressed right back to your beloved aunt the following holiday season!  Awkward…

But of course, don’t let these Christmas conundrums scare you away from the joys of re-gifting your way through the season, though, because when executed correctly, no one needs to be the wiser and  it can actually be a great way to knock out some of that holiday shopping good and early without ever even leaving the house!  All it takes is a bit of precision, a dash of tact, and most important of all, this little cheat sheet that I’ve assembled for you below.  Who says Christmas never comes early?!

1. Observe at least a one holiday grace period prior to re-gifting.
Unless the previous giver and your lucky new recipient live on opposite sides of the planet, it’s just too risky to try and turnaround a crap gift the same time you receive it.  Much better to stuff it in the back of the closet and wait until the next birthday when some of the heat dies down…

2. Write down who gave you the gift in the first place!
This seems like an amateur mistake, but trust me – you do not want to be in the same room when someone says, “Hey, this RonCo Nut Smasher is pretty cool … it looks just like the one I got you for your birthday!  And hey, I bought that one at Target … too.”

3. Do your research to find the best fit for your misdirected gift.
Just because you hated it doesn’t mean that the Ultimate All-in-One Bird House / Bird Feeder / Bird Bath Repair Kit isn’t exactly the perfect gift that someone else is waiting for, so consider doing what the other guy should’ve done in the first place and actually put a little thought into who would put such an avian-friendly present to good use.  If you’re not sure, try looking around their yard for broken things that birds would like, if only they were repaired.

4. Stay cool when it comes time to do the deal.
You’re so close – don’t screw this up because they catch you with that “finally unloading this piece of crap” look in your eye.  That also means no whistling or rubbing your toe in the dirt or offering to get everyone eggnog refills when your gift comes up, either – just act natural, smile as if you genuinely want them to be happy about your amazing gift, and hold that sigh of relief until you get back to the car.

5. Don’t feel guilty about it.
Most of all, despite any prior conflictions that you may have had about handing off something that someone else specifically picked out for you, let it go and remember that if the other person really cared about you, they would’ve gotten you something that you would’ve actually liked in the first place.  Unfortunately, some people are just cheap and likewise some gifts are pretty much meant for re-gifting, such as collectible garden gnomes and allegedly witty coffee mugs and pretty much anything you might find in a “bargain bin.”  Re-gifting is just another part of the holidays, like overeating and accidentally setting the tree on fire, so the sooner you learn to embrace this the happier you’ll be…

Besides, it’s either that or you actually keep this crap for yourself … which would you rather do?!

That’s right – just heed these clever instructions and sooner than you can say, “I had a gift receipt, but my dog ate it…” you’ll be passing that singing fish along to someone else who needs it even more than you … more than you, of course, because obviously you already have the Big Mouth Billy Bass Collector’s Edition that I gave you for Christmas, like, four years ago!

You do still have Billy, don’t you???

That’s right – it’s time to dim the lights and curl up by the fireplace, with the calm snowfall of another winter’s night gently cascading across the view of the nearby picture window while all remain cozy and warm from the glow of the crackling fire.  Twinkling Christmas lights illuminate the room in a myriad of festive colors as they surround the tree covered with ornaments highlighting memories of yesterday and beyond.  As Johnny Mathis drifts into another enchanting harmony of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, it becomes apparent that this peaceful holiday moment needs but one final touch to be absolutely perfect.

Snacks.

And of course, when it comes to holiday snacking there’s really only one option worthy of such classic Christmastime consumption.  No, I’m not talking about Grandma’s famous Whiskey Snaps or those Holiday Peeps that are kinda neat on account of being shaped like snowmen and gingerbread men and Christmas trees, but still not nearly neat enough to actually ingest.  I’m talking about a treat so grand that it takes not one, not two, BUT THREE different cereal components to create!  That’s right, what we’re talking about here is the Voltron of the snack food industry, and it all starts with three simple boxes of Chex cereal…

Rice, wheat, and corn varieties … just toss ‘em together with a liberal dose of worcestershire sauce, garlic and onion powders, some seasoned salt, and plenty of melted butter, and before you know it your entire holiday abode will be inundated with the pure essence of awesomeness … and it gets even better after you bake it!  Sure, you could just buy a bag from the potato chip aisle of your local grocery store, but honestly, those bags should really only be relied upon during road trips or when emergency snacking situations present themselves.  We’re talking Christmas here, so if you’ve got time to hang mistletoe and string up popcorn to decorate the tree, you’ve most certainly got time to crank out a batch or two of Chex Mix the way it was originally intended to be enjoyed!

* Well, originally intended minus those boring peanuts and pretzels and bagel chips, if you’re anything like me!  Call me a purist, but as far as I’m concerned all of that additional miscellaneous nonsense just gets in the way of what Chex Mix is really all about – the cereal.

Give it as a gift to one particularly lucky individual on your list, bring it into the office to make your workday infinitely more jolly, or even just hoard it all for yourself and couple it with eggnog and gingerbread to sustain yourself through the entire holiday season altogether – while its uses are seemingly endless, its flavor always rings nothing short of delicious. It truly is the perfect holiday snack, even though it certainly didn’t set out to be anything of the sort.  I think the fine folks at the General Mills Research and Development Snackatorium just wanted to create a nice, quality snack that people could enjoy with their families during reruns of A Charlie Brown Christmas.  They never intended to change the world by introducing us to the last snack food we would ever need, but of course, that – my friends – is how legends are born…

From my serenely-scented kitchen to yours, I sincerely hope you take this week’s column to heart as you go about your holiday happenings and keep a fresh bowl of Chex Mix handy during all of your celebrations.  May your days be merry and bright, and may all of your snacking opportunities this holiday season be awesome.

Has this ever happened to YOU???

You’re the kind of guy who pours his heart and soul into his Christmas lights, spending eleven months out of the year just planning for the next display.  In January and the months immediately following Christmas, it’s all about quality control in looking back on the previous display to see what worked and what needs enhancing as you finally put things away.  The spring and summer months are for infrastructure development as needed, whether it’s in running another breaker from the box to provide more juice or possibly even the simple things like sculpting new structures to decorate with lights and place around the front yard.  When fall comes and the latest lighting options begin appearing on store shelves, you’re the first in line to fill an order that will revitalize your inventory for the next year, and then finally when that illustrious weekend after Thanksgiving comes around … you know, the one that has everyone all up in a tizzy about shopping or something … well, that’s your time to shine, when the neighborhood gets just a little bit brighter as you spend entire days hanging lights and running extension cords and generally just turning your home into the sparkling winter wonderland that everyone has grown fondly accustomed to over the years…

…and finally after all of that hard work and dedication, you flip on the finished product and load everyone into the car to check out all of the amazing displays that not only you, but also the rest of your neighbors have toiled so hard to create.  You pull out of your own driveway, oooh’ing and ahhh’ing at the twinkling array of colors that brightly decorate the view, taking a special interest in the life-size candy canes that trim the sidewalks and of course, that jolly, old St. Nick who waves from the rooftop, his bag of goodies already in hand.  And to think, this is only the beginning of an entire magical evening of touring your newly-decorated neighborhood, so excitedly you pull out into the street, wave goodbye to Santa, and begin to roll, noticing within only a matter of seconds that … well, some of your neighbors didn’t put up Christmas lights.

You drive past a few dark houses before eventually coming to one ornamented with a single row of lights around the perimeter of the house itself, then all is dark once again until you see another energetically-illuminated spectacle much like your own up ahead in the distance.  Several more dark houses line the road leading up to the beautiful splendor, and even as you slow to take in the dazzling display, the continuation of boredom to come seems to dampen your mood even before leaving the glow of those who did put in the effort.  This pattern continues street after street, neighborhood after neighborhood, and while all in all the night still shows you some pretty amazing displays of holiday spirit and your kids will likely be seeing spots from a couple of them for the next week, nonetheless you still can’t help thinking what your tour could’ve been like if everyone had put up their sparkling best in the name of the season.

Folks, if I had it my way, driving tours would never have to happen like this ever again.

That’s why I modestly propose that it be written into law that each and every house on the block must decorate for the holidays.  I don’t care if you’re celebrating Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or even National Underdog Day – just whatever it is, get out there and don’t stop hanging lights until your electric meter can be used as a mixer for cranking out gingerbread dough!  Too many of us truly dedicated holiday enthusiasts are passive-aggressively slighted by our lazy neighbors each year as they merely smirk in the direction of our displays, all the while their own houses look as though they were smack dab in the middle of August, not December.  Quite frankly, the lack of celebratory continuity is embarrassing to all that is jolly and bright in this world, and it’s high time that someone did something about it … by force, if necessary…

My plan is simple – everyone has through the first week of December to have at least some variety of illuminated decorations up, even if you’ve still got angels to hang and dancing lights to synchronize.  You know what they say – a Christmas light display isn’t truly complete until Christmas is over and you start taking it down. But that gives you at least a good week and a half to start putting up a good, solid effort, which I certainly recommend you do because at that point the Lighting Enforcement Deputies (LEDs) will begin systematically patrolling neighborhoods all across the country and you’d better believe that they’ll be making a list … of any houses not maintaining an appropriately luminescent display between the posted touring hours of dusk and midnight.  If they do, Santa forbid, come across your home in a less than jolly predicament, expect warnings and fines and eventually possibly even your name going on The Naughty List, and we all know that no one wants that!

Furthermore, repeated offenses in display of a blatant disregard towards holiday spirit will result in your being evicted from your home until such time that you decide to take the holidays seriously and actually get up off your keister to decorate when you damn certain see lights going up on every other house around the block.  So don’t say we didn’t warn you…

Of course, we’ll also be happy to help those who might find themselves decoratingly challenged this time of year, whether you need to borrow a ladder, or maybe need some coupons to pick up some extra lights, or even professional assistance if you just don’t have the foggiest idea where to start!  Look no further because we’re here to offer up a helping hand in the name of good cheer with a spring in our step and a carol in our hearts because, well, ‘tis the season, don’t you know!  Really, there’s no excuse for a single house on the block to not be decorated during the most wonderful time of the year, so if you just haven’t quite gotten around to it yet or possibly were even thinking about maybe foregoing lights this year – that is, until reading this column and truly realizing your celebratory duty to your community, to Santa Claus, and even to yourself – then now’s the perfect time to get out there on that ladder and redeem your dignity one glowing strand at a time!

Seriously, you really don’t want to be on that Naughty List … trust me!

Oh baby, I don’t know about you, but I’ve been waiting for this all year long!

It’s certainly no secret that Christmas is my favorite time of the year, from the colorful decorations to the bountiful flavors to the generally good spirit that will float around for the next five weeks until we finally hit New Years and decide that it’s time to stop living in la la land and actually start being productive members of society once again!  But until that resolution-laden time is truly upon us, now’s the time to live it up, my friends…

Of course, with all there is to do with regards to getting prepared for said merry holidays in all of their tinsel-laden glory, it’s not hard to understand that one might find themselves a bit overwhelmed with a million different things to do and a rapidly diminishing timetable in which to do them.  In fact, rumor has it that some people were so spooked that they actually started Christmas shopping today at three o’clock in the morning! And while that level of enthusiasm is definitely just a wee bit over the top, the dedication to the holidays is nonetheless appreciated and we should all take a lesson from the book of those Early AM Warriors who ventured forth in the dead of night to obtain the Furbies and Tickle Me Elmos of 2009 at a fraction of everyday retail prices!

Don’t worry – nobody’s getting up at 3am to decorate or bake cookies on my watch…

That said, however, time is still of the essence if we’re going to pull off the most spectacular Christmas celebration ever, and I think we can do it if only we take a moment to step back and get our heads in the game, so to speak.  Conquering the Christmas spirit is all about efficiency in my books, so in an exceedingly generous display of holiday dedication, I’ve put together a little something to help you make the very most of these precious preparatory moments leading up to the big day itself.

Below you will find my Christmas gift to you - a brilliantly simple 27-point checklist that I put together during my spare time here and there to ensure that each and every one of my loyal readers is able to experience absolute true holiday submersion this year.  These points to follow truly are, if I don’t say so myself, the most important components to the Christmas holiday in and of itself, so do keep that in mind when you’re out shopping for my gift… *wink wink*

• Holiday Muzak – this is the one time of the year when it’s ok to sing along in the grocery store while you’re picking out frozen peas … make the best of it
• Shopping – a time to reflect on just how much standing in line each of your friends and family are really worth
• Cookies & Candy – Mom wouldn’t put those dreaded calories in your childhood favorites, now would she?
• The Tree – the focal point of any living room … just don’t forget to put the star on before you stand the tree up…
• Giving Presents – they say that the giving is the most enjoyable part…
• Receiving Presents – …so I’m always happy to receive so that as many people as possible can experience that joy firsthand
• Lights – you’ve never truly done putting them up until you get taken to court for being a distraction for air traffic passing overhead
• The Mall – it’s going to be hell, so for god’s sake make sure to get everything the first time you’re there!
• Baking – it takes a real man to churn out enough gingerbread to not only make a house, but in fact an entire city!
• Claus, Santa – the reason for the season … respect his authority
• TV Specials – a timeless holiday classic like A Charlie Brown Christmas or Mario Lopez as a talking dog in The Dog Who Saved Christmas … your pick, as long as it’s Snoopy
• Snow, Not Fun… – if you’re fortunate enough to live in a region that doesn’t get snow, be sure to take some time to stop and rub it in the face of someone who does
• Charity – give a child a fire truck and he’ll play with it all day, but teach a child to build a fire truck out of LEGOs and by the end of the day he’ll have turned it into a dinosaur because dinosaurs are way cooler than fire trucks
• Big Mouth Billy Bass – because nothing says Merry Christmas like a singing fish
• Mistletoe – kissing is fun!
• Binge Eating – you’re going to regret it later, but really, it would sort of be rude not to sample all of those desserts
• Caroling – yes Virginia, they do actually exist outside of the movies … I’ll let you decide if you want to participate and be one of those people…
• Christmas Vacation – if you’re young enough to still get two weeks off of school, enjoy them while you can because this is one aspect where being an adult kinda sucks…
• Ugly Sweaters – Grandma’s way of making you feel awkward and embarrassed, even from across the country
• Eggnog – somebody drinks this shit, but I’ve never actually witnessed it myself
• Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer – could quite possibly be a metaphor for my years growing up, mostly because I was mocked daily for my freakish, bright red nose
• Ice Skating – if you try to be cute and drag me out onto the ice, be prepared to be carting me around for the duration of your skate time because without outside assistance, I’ll never get back to dry land on my own
• Surprises – at least pretend that you don’t know what you’re getting for Christmas, even if you discovered your parents hiding place the day after they went shopping … in the long run, they’ll appreciate that
• Christmas Eve – an evening of good food, family togetherness, and going to bed nice and early to give Santa plenty of time to do his thing!
• A Muppet Family Christmas – Best. Christmas Movie. Ever.
• Good Will Towards Men – like Wil Wheaton says, “Don’t be a dick.”
• …And Also Towards Chicks, Too! – because it’s not 1920 anymore, you know…

If only Santa had any idea what he just did to my productivity…

I’ll be the first to admit that when it comes to popular culture, I’m typically a little late with jumping on the old bandwagon. My television didn’t first see the barrel-hurdling antics of a young plumber named Mario until several years after the Nintendo was first released here in the US, it took me years of hearing this whole “Tivo is amazing!” talk before finally splurging the extra ten bucks to feign off Old Father Time with regards to my reality TV favorites, and I’d never even heard of the rise and fall of an up and coming alternative rock band called Nirvana until long after its lead singer played out the rock stereotype to its ultimate demise.

That said, just because I have a tendency to come to the table late certainly doesn’t mean that I ever find myself leaving with an empty stomach! It may take a while for me to catch up with the rest of society, but once I finally do – goodbye, seemingly already non-existent social life! It’s that unbridled passion to get unequivocally obsessed with whatever’s in front of me at the given moment that cost me days worth of sleep, months worth of sanity, and lord knows how many chances to actually talk with girls in my teenage years, all the while instead I found myself up at three o’clock in the morning chasing down princesses or trying to upgrade my magical armor so that I would stand a chance against the evil dragon that guarded the tri-force that I so desperately needed!

These days I may be a little older, and occasionally even a little wiser, but I’m still just as susceptible to temptation … and given the inane size of my current personal and professional to-do lists, I’m not so sure that tempting fate with the offering of a rich, innovative new gaming platform is really in the best interests of pretty much anybody who needs things done that just so happen to be on one of my lists…

Nonetheless, what can I say? Out of all the other fancy pants gaming consoles on the market today, the Nintendo Wii is by far the one that I can get the most excited about, and despite having managed to hold back for two years already (two long and arduous years), the time for rationale and self control had finally passed and our household simply couldn’t go another Christmas without one. Even being daunted by the unfathomable idea of actually having to move around while playing video games (blasphemy!) could only restrain me for so long, but deep down I knew that ultimately it was only a matter of time before I was waving my Wiimote around the living room like a pro … which would sound vaguely pornographic if the phrase Wiimote didn’t also just sound so darned cute!

So Christmas was only yesterday, but between Zelda and Mario and the illustrious Guitar Hero, I estimate that I’ve already lost roughly 87 hours of otherwise productive time. Now whether that time would’ve been spent actually writing, making a sandwich, or just staring at the TV wishing I had a Wii if the fabled machine hadn’t showed up under our lop-sided Christmas tree this year, it’s hard to say, but I guess at this point further speculation is kind of like crying over split milk.

Instead I think we’re better off simply facing the facts, looking to the future, and wholeheartedly admitting that until I beat each and every one of these new games, my contact with the outside world will be precisely zilch. Nothing personal, but for a guy like me with an addictive personalty coupled with the hand-eye coordination of a blind sea captain, it’s like I’m learning to walk in the video game world all over again. Maybe I should just go ahead and wish everyone a Happy New Year now…

Or possibly even Happy St. Patrick’s Day? Just trying to be realistic!

What can I say? At least not all of us are being hit by this whole recession thingy…

A couple of weeks ago I posted a list of gift-giving suggestions during these hard-lived times when the checkbook’s run dry and the $3 bottle of vodka you had stashed away in your den for just this scenario has run even drier, but then a very special holiday catalog showed up in my mailbox and reminded me of something important that most of us tend to forget during hard economic times like these – if we’d have just been born rich, this whole recession thing wouldn’t really be all that bad.

I mean, sure – you and I might be struggling just to make ends meet, cutting back on fancy lunches and other amenities so that we can still afford to get something nice for our spouses or kids, but even in tough times I think it’s important for us to every now and then take a step back and think of the rich people who really aren’t affected by this recession in the slightest. Just because you had to eat bologna and Ramen all week to pay the power bill doesn’t mean that rich people are cutting back on their champagne and caviar in order to keep all of the lights sparkling around their tri-level mansions down on the waterfront!

I know it’s sometimes hard for us ordinary folks to consider the multi-millionaires when we’re dealing with financial troubles of our own, which is why I was just so happy the other day to receive Neiman Marcus’ annual Christmas catalog in the mail. Filled with custom-made golf courses and diamond-studded perfume bottles and $500 purses, while it may only serve as a distant pipedream for me as I flip through its glossy pages drooling over items I could barely afford pictures of, at the same time it’s comforting to see those four and five digit prices and know that the rich men and women of this great country still have a place to spend their hard-born-into money while the rest of us are all going into foreclosure…

So I don’t want to waste too much of your time – I know that many of you have second or third jobs to get to in order to still be able to splurge on that generic, store-brand ham for Christmas dinner, but promise me something as you head off into the night, neglecting time with your loved ones so that you can with any luck later buy their love back and wrap it under the tree for Christmas morning. The next time you’re in the mall, whether it’s because you’re pricing out the ladies perfume sets so you can get your wife the best bang for your five bucks or maybe you’re just reporting back to work at the pretzel stand after your 30-minute lunch is up – do yourself a favor, stop by the Neiman Marcus store and pick-up a copy of their annual holiday catalog spectacular, The Christmas Book. Not only will it give you a very brief glimpse into the world of rich people before you’re shooed out of the store like the riff-raff that you are, but more importantly it’ll give you an impressive, $15 glossy reminder that you can keep in the bathroom to flip through anytime you start feeling sorry for yourself about all of this crazy recession crap…

Worried about paying the water bill this month? Just flip to page 24 and you’ll find a hot blonde whose lipstick probably costs more than your measly water bill.

Can’t afford to tip the garbage man this holiday season? Check out the Ultimate Record Collection on page 71 – you could probably pay ten garbage man salaries for that, or one or two less and throw in a hefty Christmas bonus!

Looking for something extra special to get the perfect man in your life this year? Man, he’d die and go straight to heaven if you could get him some court time with The Harlem Globetrotters, as featured on page 77, but don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll love that cardboard Nerf basketball hoop that you got him for his cubicle, too…

Christmas may be about the little things and those that can’t even be wrapped at all, but most of all it’s about the gifts that especially can’t be wrapped because they simply don’t make rolls of wrapping paper big enough to cover any single 7’2” member of The Harlem Globetrotters, let alone the entire team! So in between all of the extra shifts and relentless sobbing as the bills just keep piling higher and higher, don’t forget to take some time to think of the big people out there because at the end of the day during these tough economic times that don’t technically even concern them, rich people deserve a Merry Christmas, too.

I’d like to interrupt our regularly-scheduled programming for this vitally important public service announcement…

Ladies and gentlemen, snow is not your friend.

I know that this comes as a bit of a shock to some of you, given the whimsical and often times even playful manner in which this stuff is portrayed on TV and in the movies, but truth be told, snow is in all actuality a sinister, vile creation intended to chill all in its presence to the bone, enveloping entire landscapes with its mass and leaving behind a white blanket of shivery doom that has been known to stretch for miles and miles…and miles.

I’m making it a point to reach out to my audience in warning this holiday season because, especially in the northern states like Michigan and New York, it’s frighteningly commonplace for residents to become overly comfortable when it comes to snow and their interactions with it on a daily basis. Many even go so far as to enjoy the snow, looking forward to its arrival for the facilitation of activities like skiing and snowmobiling, however allow me to be perfectly clear when I say that this can be a dangerous, sometimes even deadly mistake to make!

If there’s even a remote chance that you or your loved ones could come in contact with snow during their travels this holiday season, I implore you with my utmost concern to take into consideration the following safety precautions:

1) Direct exposure of snow to one’s skin can result in frostbite, hypothermia, and even worse. Case in point – Frosty the Snowman was once a strapping, young lad from Alabama who was only visiting up north and didn’t know any better.

2) Unless driving a Sherman tank or military-grade SUV, transportation over snow-covered roads is virtually impossible. Don’t even bother…

3) Anyone you encounter who claims to “love the snow” is clearly psychotic and should be backed away from in a slow and careful manner. Do not attempt further interaction with these individuals, especially if they suggest an activity such as falling down large piles of snow as “fun.”

4) In the event that a thermometer is not available to gauge the temperature, the following can also be used of indicators that it is too cold outside:

For your unmitigated safety and to ensure a happy holiday free of any trips to the emergency room and/or an unforgiving, icy grave, please take note that snow is just one of those things that is best viewed through a window … preferably the window of television from a warm, tropical climate where every drink comes with an umbrella and the thermometers never dip below 65 degrees.

This concludes our public service announcement. Happy holidays to you and your own, and may all your Christmases be warm!