Have YOU ever tried to put one of these things together?!

Gingerbread houses are one of those quintessential icons of these beloved winter holidays, right there alongside happy snowmen and sparkling lights and Christmas cookies piled higher than any one man should ever dare to possibly consume!  I mean, what better way to help transition into Christmastime after a bountiful Thanksgiving feast than by building your own edible encomium of holiday spirit, complete with a Skittle-tiled roof and gumdrop shrubberies?

It seemed like a grand idea to my wife and I, too, as we cleared off the coffee table and cracked open The Official Gingerbread House Kit that she had picked up at the store in between shopping for gifts for her ridiculously spoiled husband, however as we were both quick to learn even before getting royal icing over roughly two-thirds of our living room, building a simple house out of cookies and frosting and assorted candies is a lot tougher than it actually looks!  Here I thought that me eating the construction materials would be the biggest challenge that we would face during our gingerbread humanitarian efforts … who knew that not having a child under the age of 12 on hand to provide their vital, structural insight would prove to be our real sugar-coated downfall???

For some reason kids just seem to have a knack at building this kind of stuff – maybe it’s because their little minds have yet to be inundated with zoning regulations and HOA restrictions and the laws of physics! I mean, you look at our house and it’s honestly a wonder that the thing even stands up at all – the entire structure leans like it would be perfect for someone out of one of those V8 old commercials (“V8 – Keep your diet straight!”), but in all reality, there’s no way this house would ever pass a home inspection. And even if it did, I’m sure that the homeowner’s insurance rates would just be sky high – the place would be a real field day for the Big Bad Wolf, to say the least…

Still, I think some good did come of this brief stint of ours into the world of residential cookie construction in that it gave us some valuable pointers to consider when we’re finally ready to buy our own home in a couple of years.  You know, things like:

• M&M’s may not necessarily be the safest material to use for a sidewalk, as they look like they could probably get pretty slippery when it rains.
• Be careful to consider HOA-approved colors when selecting your gumdrop shrubberies.  Also keep in mind that most HOAs have height restrictions, so you’re going to need to keep those beauties trimmed on a regular basis.
• Probably the most important feature to include with your house?  A door! Because although standing outside admiring your new home can be fun, nothing beats a door for actually going inside…

As for the actual building, whether it involves royal icing or actual nails, maybe it’s best that next time we leave that to the professionals!  In the meantime, though, if anybody needs me I’ll be outside playing electrician as I try to get 10,000 lights working without knocking out power to the rest of the subdivision…

A guy’s Christmas list says a lot about what kind of person he is.  Some guys want nothing but the most expensive, high-tech toys that money can buy (i.e. the fun stuff) while others prefer more sensible items like clothes and electric razors (i.e. the boring stuff).  And believe it or not, there’s even a select group of troubled spirits who cite that they don’t want anything for Christmas, but those type of people depress me so we’re not going to talk about them here today on Christmas Eve, of all days!

As for me, when *I* unwrap gifts on Christmas morning I want them to be unique, and not so much unique as in hideous sweaters that nobody would be caught dead in as much as just the types of gifts that I would enjoy, but might not necessarily purchase myself.  When it comes to Christmas, I’m not interested in practicality – if I would pick it up myself at Walmart on a random Tuesday night, I don’t want to find it underneath my tree!  But show me singing fish and Mario-themed slippers and board games about sexual innuendos and I’ll be one happy humorist come Christmas morn…

So with that said, I’ve put together the following list of a few suggestions for what yours truly wouldn’t mind discovering underneath our tree tomorrow morning.  Whether Santa chooses to indulge my meager requests and really knock one out of the park this year or once again cuts corners by giving me more conventional presents in place of something truly awesome, believe you me – as soon as I know, you’ll know!

HoneyBaked Ham’s Ham of the Month Club
To enjoy their luscious ham come Christmastime is truly divine, but to also have the luxury of partaking in its sweet and succulent deliciousness all year long?! Mmmmm – my taste buds are already salivating with delight … talk about a way to make checking the mail a whole lot more exciting!  You get the crackers and cheese, and I’ll go wait by the mailbox…

Go-Go-Gadget Wheels
Those of you who follow me on Twitter know that road rage is a big part of my life, so this particular gift is intended to help alleviate some of those less than pleasant experiences!  It seems like it should be pretty simple, too – just install some of those awesome, telescoping spider legs underneath my car so that I can rise up above and drive over all of the idiots that I tend to encounter on a daily basis and suddenly city driving actually seems … tolerable!

Victoria’s Secret(s)
What’s so special about a $49 pair of underwear?  Why are the salesladies so snooty when their entire job consists of convincing guys that our wives, girlfriends, or significant lady-friend others will love us long time for a pair of $49 underwear?  What’s the return policy for said underwear if, for some odd reason, our wives, girlfriends, or significant lady-friend others don’t become the amazing sex goddesses that the commercials portray after unwrapping them on Christmas morning?

I don’t know about you, but I know that I’m ready to know the answers to these questions…

LEGO Stego
Sure, the one that my wife bought me for my birthday this year was pretty sweet, but I think I’m ready to take the next step in LEGO awesomeness … even if it means giving up my parking spot in the garage to do so!  Of course, there’s always the issue of the time that would be required to assemble such a massive display of toy brick architecture, not to mention what I would assume would be the overwhelming desire to continue to build an entire Jurassic Park out of LEGOs once the first dino has been “born,” but we can always cross that bridge when we get to it!

Hedonism-Sized Chocolate Fountain
Some days you want to dip merely a strawberry or maybe some nice banana slices in a light chocolate fondue, while others you might prefer to just cut right to the chase and dip your entire body in rich and creamy milk chocolate.  You probably won’t find this treat at your average wedding, bar mitzvah, or company Christmas party, but sanitationally speaking, it’s probably one of those things where you’re just better off owning your own anyways…

My Very Own Muppet
Pretty much the best gift for any true Muppet fan aside from The Muppet Show coming back on the air after twenty-eight years, what better way to say, “You’re kind of a weirdo, but Merry Christmas anyways…” than with a genuine Muppet extra that looks exactly like them?! Purple hair, blue skin, round, beady eyes – the similarities are uncanny!

A Pinball Machine
Just between you and me, I think the epitome of coolness is having your own pinball machine – it trumps having a pool, a pool table, or even simply being in charge of the neighborhood carpool.  I used to play a bit of pinball myself back in the day and while truth be told I was actually pretty horrible at it, I think I’m finally at a place in my life where with a good 6 – 8 hours a day of practice, I could probably hone my skills considerably…

Best of luck to all of you as you strive to unwrap awesomeness less than 24 hours from now, and may all of your Christmas gifts be unique!

It happens to the best of us, typically brought on by the worst of us – participate in this gift exchanging rollercoaster long enough and eventually you’re going to be faced with quite possibly the worst Christmastime scenario of all – receiving a gift that you don’t like. You could bury it in the back of the closet and try to forget it ever entered into your life, you could even force yourself to use it every single day in hopes of one day eventually learning to love it, but most people don’t have that kind of patience.  Instead they opt for the more efficient, and likewise also more controversial alternative – re-gifting.

Now whether we’re talking about a crappy office gift or even something much more personal from your dear Aunt Matilda, re-gifting can be a tricky affair and it’s important to know the risks involved before you take the plunge and attempt to pass a present on to a more appropriate recipient.  There’s always the potential for good, old Auntie to start asking questions the next time she comes to visit and notices that the limited edition NASCAR commemorative plate collection that she gave you last Christmas isn’t prominently out for display on your mantle, and even that’s not as bad as the absolute worst case re-gifting scenario that involves said hideous race car plates getting passed around town like an old hat before finally ending up addressed right back to your beloved aunt the following holiday season!  Awkward…

But of course, don’t let these Christmas conundrums scare you away from the joys of re-gifting your way through the season, though, because when executed correctly, no one needs to be the wiser and  it can actually be a great way to knock out some of that holiday shopping good and early without ever even leaving the house!  All it takes is a bit of precision, a dash of tact, and most important of all, this little cheat sheet that I’ve assembled for you below.  Who says Christmas never comes early?!

1. Observe at least a one holiday grace period prior to re-gifting.
Unless the previous giver and your lucky new recipient live on opposite sides of the planet, it’s just too risky to try and turnaround a crap gift the same time you receive it.  Much better to stuff it in the back of the closet and wait until the next birthday when some of the heat dies down…

2. Write down who gave you the gift in the first place!
This seems like an amateur mistake, but trust me – you do not want to be in the same room when someone says, “Hey, this RonCo Nut Smasher is pretty cool … it looks just like the one I got you for your birthday!  And hey, I bought that one at Target … too.”

3. Do your research to find the best fit for your misdirected gift.
Just because you hated it doesn’t mean that the Ultimate All-in-One Bird House / Bird Feeder / Bird Bath Repair Kit isn’t exactly the perfect gift that someone else is waiting for, so consider doing what the other guy should’ve done in the first place and actually put a little thought into who would put such an avian-friendly present to good use.  If you’re not sure, try looking around their yard for broken things that birds would like, if only they were repaired.

4. Stay cool when it comes time to do the deal.
You’re so close – don’t screw this up because they catch you with that “finally unloading this piece of crap” look in your eye.  That also means no whistling or rubbing your toe in the dirt or offering to get everyone eggnog refills when your gift comes up, either – just act natural, smile as if you genuinely want them to be happy about your amazing gift, and hold that sigh of relief until you get back to the car.

5. Don’t feel guilty about it.
Most of all, despite any prior conflictions that you may have had about handing off something that someone else specifically picked out for you, let it go and remember that if the other person really cared about you, they would’ve gotten you something that you would’ve actually liked in the first place.  Unfortunately, some people are just cheap and likewise some gifts are pretty much meant for re-gifting, such as collectible garden gnomes and allegedly witty coffee mugs and pretty much anything you might find in a “bargain bin.”  Re-gifting is just another part of the holidays, like overeating and accidentally setting the tree on fire, so the sooner you learn to embrace this the happier you’ll be…

Besides, it’s either that or you actually keep this crap for yourself … which would you rather do?!

That’s right – just heed these clever instructions and sooner than you can say, “I had a gift receipt, but my dog ate it…” you’ll be passing that singing fish along to someone else who needs it even more than you … more than you, of course, because obviously you already have the Big Mouth Billy Bass Collector’s Edition that I gave you for Christmas, like, four years ago!

You do still have Billy, don’t you???

That’s right – it’s time to dim the lights and curl up by the fireplace, with the calm snowfall of another winter’s night gently cascading across the view of the nearby picture window while all remain cozy and warm from the glow of the crackling fire.  Twinkling Christmas lights illuminate the room in a myriad of festive colors as they surround the tree covered with ornaments highlighting memories of yesterday and beyond.  As Johnny Mathis drifts into another enchanting harmony of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, it becomes apparent that this peaceful holiday moment needs but one final touch to be absolutely perfect.

Snacks.

And of course, when it comes to holiday snacking there’s really only one option worthy of such classic Christmastime consumption.  No, I’m not talking about Grandma’s famous Whiskey Snaps or those Holiday Peeps that are kinda neat on account of being shaped like snowmen and gingerbread men and Christmas trees, but still not nearly neat enough to actually ingest.  I’m talking about a treat so grand that it takes not one, not two, BUT THREE different cereal components to create!  That’s right, what we’re talking about here is the Voltron of the snack food industry, and it all starts with three simple boxes of Chex cereal…

Rice, wheat, and corn varieties … just toss ‘em together with a liberal dose of worcestershire sauce, garlic and onion powders, some seasoned salt, and plenty of melted butter, and before you know it your entire holiday abode will be inundated with the pure essence of awesomeness … and it gets even better after you bake it!  Sure, you could just buy a bag from the potato chip aisle of your local grocery store, but honestly, those bags should really only be relied upon during road trips or when emergency snacking situations present themselves.  We’re talking Christmas here, so if you’ve got time to hang mistletoe and string up popcorn to decorate the tree, you’ve most certainly got time to crank out a batch or two of Chex Mix the way it was originally intended to be enjoyed!

* Well, originally intended minus those boring peanuts and pretzels and bagel chips, if you’re anything like me!  Call me a purist, but as far as I’m concerned all of that additional miscellaneous nonsense just gets in the way of what Chex Mix is really all about – the cereal.

Give it as a gift to one particularly lucky individual on your list, bring it into the office to make your workday infinitely more jolly, or even just hoard it all for yourself and couple it with eggnog and gingerbread to sustain yourself through the entire holiday season altogether – while its uses are seemingly endless, its flavor always rings nothing short of delicious. It truly is the perfect holiday snack, even though it certainly didn’t set out to be anything of the sort.  I think the fine folks at the General Mills Research and Development Snackatorium just wanted to create a nice, quality snack that people could enjoy with their families during reruns of A Charlie Brown Christmas.  They never intended to change the world by introducing us to the last snack food we would ever need, but of course, that – my friends – is how legends are born…

From my serenely-scented kitchen to yours, I sincerely hope you take this week’s column to heart as you go about your holiday happenings and keep a fresh bowl of Chex Mix handy during all of your celebrations.  May your days be merry and bright, and may all of your snacking opportunities this holiday season be awesome.

Come on – a smile? A childish grin?! Gimme something – it’s Christmastime, for crying out loud…

And sadly, true to the phrase there actually has been an awful lot of crying out loud taking place around Wall Street and Main Street and pretty much any other street that features businesses who at one time were able to offer their employees a 401k with a straight face as we’ve watched our money rapidly become more worthless than those dry and flavorless Russian tea cakes that people try to pass off as “cookies” this time of year. These days when everybody and their corporate brother is begging Congress for billions of buckazoids merely to keep their heads above water for a few more months, you’d be lucky to land yourself an approval for a $5 footlong at Subway, much less any amount of actual “credit,” as we once knew it!

Which frankly, is a bit of a problem this time of year because really, who buys their Christmas presents with money that they’ve actually already earned, anyways?! The holidays are supposed to be all about credit cards and home equity lines of credit against your mortgage and other completely legitimate lendings from big, burly Italian guys with names like Jimmy the Butcher and Frankie FICO Score, so what’s a guy to do when Ye Olde River of Liquidity has done all dried up? Well, never fear, folks – for your friendly, neighborhood humor columnist is here!

No, no – I can’t actually loan you money to help put slingshots and toy kettles under the tree for your young’uns this year – what do I look like, a sucker?! But what I can do is just as good, arguably better if you happen to be my accountant who would’ve gotten stuck keeping track of something crazy like that, because what I’ve done here for you today is put together my definitive list of how to fill that otherwise empty void underneath your Christmas tree with a plethora of presents that just scream, “Hey – what did you expect?! We’re freaking broke!” Screamed with love, mind you, and during this magical, sleigh bell-filled time of year, that’s got to count for something…

…because until this economy picks up, it’s gonna have to! Nonetheless, without further ado…

Scott’s 2008 “Economy’s in the Crapper” Holiday Gift-Giving Guide…

Nuts & Berries
Although most effective if the recipient happens to be a grizzly bear or other furry, woodland creature, still, everybody’s gotta eat sometimes and Checkers just doesn’t seem to store away for the winter quite like you would expect a horribly greasy, artery-clogging sandwich of death would. Instead, show some of the folks on your list that you care about their health by giving them something they would’ve otherwise had to forage for … just watch out for real bears.

A Few Gallons of Gasoline
It may not seem like much now, but three months from today when gas is back up between $4 and $5 / gallon, suddenly your stupid gift of petroleum-based holiday delight isn’t so stupid anymore! Grab a few extra cans and put something under the tree* this year that they’ll really look forward to for months to come – perfect for soccer Moms, taxi cab drivers, and even teenagers who may otherwise never actually get to “purchase gasoline” at the rate we’re going.

* Note: Please do not actually put cans of gasoline underneath your Christmas tree – this humor column accepts no responsibility for houses, huts, trailers, or shacks burnt to the ground in a grand holiday blaze by your generous, gift-giving spirit.

The Gift That Keeps On Giving
Not sure where one might find this in the retail sector, but I just remembered that I saw it in a Garfield cartoon as a kid and it seems like it could actually be quite useful in this day and age! “Gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme…”

VeggieTales Presents The Toy That Saved Christmas
A heartfelt tale in which the good citizens of Dinkletown struggle against old man capitalism before finally learning the true meaning of Christmas, this is one fun-loving digital video disc that you’ll be proud to have in your collection for … nah, just kidding! Even during the absolute worst of times, it’s never a good idea to invite talking cucumbers into one’s home because let me tell you from personal experience, it never ends with just the cucumbers…

A Dick in a Box
I can’t think of any better gift for that special lady in your life! Don’t waste her time with a diamond ring, a fancy car, or a house in the hills – just go get yourself a box and well, you know what to do…

Something Homemade
Preferably some sort of currency, realistic-looking enough to sneak by the late-night clerk of the local convenience store in exchange for some Ramen and smokes. Remember, it’s only illegal when…well, technically it’s always illegal, but then again, I’m not sure if they have recessions in jail, so it might be a worthwhile either way…

Your Heart
They say that romance booms during the recessions, pretty much because everyone suddenly finds themselves with plenty of free time on their hands on account of being too broke to go out and actually do anything! What better time to hunker down and make a little love?! Just be careful the lengths you’re willing to go with your newfound love – bathtub gin for a sudden wedding is surprisingly affordable, but bathtub breast milk for a new addition to the family … not so much.

The Gift of Song
And before the RIAA gets all up in our business, no – I’m not advocating the theft of copyrighted materials valued at a ridiculously alleged $175,000 per track. I’m talking about a simple, upbeat melody – maybe a gentle tune whistled from the beak of a songbird on a crisp, winter morning or a cheerful motivator from a Julie Andrews-type while happily pushing through an otherwise menial list of daily tasks.

Don’t worry – we’ll be sure to make it something from the public domain, just in case…

A Partridge in a Pear Tree…
What can I say – the classic Christmas hymn has more usefulness in these modern ages than we knew! Granted, some of the later gifts in the series require far too much upkeep to be worth the hassle (you ever see how much crap one goose a’laying can produce, let alone six?!), but this single bird and tree combo, on the other hand, offers the perfect collaboration of song and fruit to keep its recipient caroling right on ‘til New Years!

What’s that? “What if the recipient doesn’t like pears?!” Friends, in these harsh, recessional times, there are only two kinds of people – those who love pears, and those who will learn to love pears.

Happy shopping, and remember – if you can’t pay for it with change found between the cushions of your couch, keep dreaming, buddy!

And so this is Christmas, and what have we done?  Another year’s over, a new one’s begun. Ah, the year 2001.  We’ve finally reached the point where absolutely no one can deny that we haven’t entered the new millennium!  Still, even with a new year upon us, I’m finding it difficult to celebrate a new one, since the last one was so lacking itself.  If you stop and think about it, not a whole lot actually happened that is worth writing down in the books, and if we’re not careful, I think 2001 could end up doing the same thing.

Let’s first take a brief look into last year, the ‘beginning of the new millennium.’   Although the entertainment industry was a-boomin’ throughout the year, they didn’t seem to leave us a whole lot worth holding onto, now did they?  Musically, teen hotties and boy bands hogged the spotlight for what seemed like an eternity, always willing to drop another article of clothing or ‘crank it up a notch’ when the limelight began to fade.  Marilyn Manson was replaced as America’s most hated musician by the one and only Eminem, whose survival in the streets of Detroit has astounded us all thus far.

Speaking of roughing it, commercialized voyeurism took a turn for the worst as the networks realized that, as much as we all hate MTV’s The Real World and Road Rules, we’re all still watching it, either for the nasty cat-fights or the regularly scheduled sex scenes, or both.  Survivor brought us to a deserted island where the rodents are enjoyed extra-crispy and the nude run free.  How Richard pulled the whole thing off still baffles me to this day!  Survivor was accompanied by Big Brother, which, considering that a four-year-old with a camcorder and a free afternoon could done better, sucked the big one.  Of course, these programs were all designed with the one goal of bringing down ABC’s ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire.’  Well, Millionaire is still shown regularly and the others aren’t, so you do the math…

Among these greats from the year 2000, my personal favorite would have to be Fox’s ‘Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire,’ in which we witnessed a desperate Rick Rockwell enjoy an intense, intimate 15 minutes with his new and now former bride, Darva Conger.  “Why didn’t this whole thing work out?” Fox executives asked themselves as they watched the two battle for media rights the following week.  “I didn’t really take any of it seriously,” Darva told reporters.  “I just want this whole mess to get over with so I can have my old life back…”  Miss Conger’s naked goodies appeared in Playboy the following month.

Let’s not forget the tale of young Elian Gonzalez, whose storybook trip to America gave foreign cab drivers in Miami something else to do, other than refuse to give anyone rides, for a couple months.  ‘What do you do when you find a lost person?’  Return him to his parents?  WRONG! The correct answer is: shower him with toys, ice cream and trips to Disney World as our legal system decides what to do about something that was never our business to begin with!  For more information about how to join this amazing team, send a self-addressed stamped envelope to…

It was a very interesting year in the news, despite the fact that not a single positive event occurred.  Driver’s of the Ford Explorer got a nice surprise when it was suddenly announced last fall that, “Oh yeah, we forgot to mention that, ummm, well, there’s a good chance that you’re driving a death trap.  We wanted to use the euphemism, ‘coffin with wheels,’ but they’d probably end up blowing out anyways.”  Napster, the online utility used by computer geeks across the world to trade music, was attacked by artists such as Metallica and others, who apparently are confused with the concept that people are tired of paying $18 for a cd with only three listenable songs on it.  We also saw our good friend and comedian Dennis Miller test the waters in an occupation that will no doubt be filled by someone else next season, the professional football announcer.  Let’s face it, expecting Monday Night Football fans to both understand and appreciate the witty and insightful rants of Dennis Miller is like expecting the President of the United States to make it through an entire term without doing coke, soliciting illegal funds or sleeping with his entire secretarial staff.  It’s a nice goal, but it just ain’t gonna happen!

The sad part is, folks, that’s it.  This is all that we’ve seen in the last twelve months, or at least all that I could remember while I was slapping this together.  Of course, there was that whole election thing, with Florida and the recounts and all, but I think we’ve heard enough of that for now.  Besides, after the dust settles, I’m sure President Chad, errr…., I mean President Bush, will do a fabulous job, or at least fill the Commander in Chief’s mediocre shoes to the point where we’ve all come to realize that, honestly, it doesn’t really matter who the president is.  Democracy is a goofy concept, but it gets us by…

So enjoy the year 2001 and while you’re out there, try to stir up some news for us so we can fill some more text books for our children, will ya?  I know it may not seem like a big deal now, but when your kids come to you for help with their homework on the battle of Temptation Island and the historical significance of the Election Inspection 2000, you can proudly say, “Sorry, I must’ve been asleep that year…”