Some have said that I’m kind of a wuss when it comes to rollercoasters.

I can’t really deny this particular claim – if anything, I try to embrace it in an effort to avoid finding myself staring down the business end of a 90-degree vertical drop from 200 feet up in the air!  I mean, I can handle Disney coasters – anything with small to moderate drops where I’m greeted by singing animals at the bottom is fine, but none of this upside-down, loop-de-loop, plunging into the bowels of hell nonsense … feel free to just go on ahead without me and I’ll meet you later at the snow cone cart down the street once you’re done taunting the fates and all…

Of course, I don’t have to tell you that the weather around here lately hasn’t been much better than one of those crazy rollercoasters that I work so hard to avoid – one day it’s sunny and 75 degrees out, the next it’s plummeting down into the 40s and I’m scrambling for my winter jacket like it’s the only thing that can save me from the triple inverted loops over the completely harmless cheetah enclosure! Just when I flip the central air back over to AC and think that the worst is behind us, I’m pulling out blankets once again and looking for things to burn for warmth – all the while, my sinuses don’t know whether they’re coming or going!

And the thing is, I don’t really do well in cold weather. Sure, I may have been exposed to all sorts of horrible blizzard-like conditions when I lived up in Michigan, but not for nothing … that’s one of the reasons that I left! Being cold isn’t “fun” for me – I’m not one of these weirdoes who loves wearing snuggly sweaters and enjoying the crispness in the air. On the contrary, I prefer my air to be warm and inviting and particularly not frozen, which under normal conditions would be perfectly reasonable to expect from The Sunshine State of Florida.

Instead, though, right now we’ve got this topsy-turvy weather that just makes me want to curl up into a ball and wait for it all to be over … not unlike the last time my wife persuaded me to “go ride some real rollercoasters” with her at one of our other local theme parks that expressly doesn’t wish me a magical day when I come through the front gates!  It’s honestly a wonder that I manage to get any writing done at all during times like this – between the infrequent highs and the bone chilling, flu-beckoning lows, my creative process eventually pretty much just stops functioning altogether … presumably because my body thinks that there are more important survival tactics that I should be focusing on at that point than writing jokes about New Years Resolutions and the magical healing powers of HoneyBaked Ham!

Right now my only consolation is that if these crazy climate conditions continue to resemble the daunting loops and spins that yours truly ever so passionately loves to hate, then by my calculations we should be just about nearing the end of this frigid journey with sunshine and solid ground popping up over the horizon any minute now.  We’ve done the upside-down loop that cost me a lot of Kleenexes, but overall wasn’t nearly as bad as it looked, we’ve suffered through the mind-numbing corkscrew that plunged us into darkness and sub-freezing temperatures without a moment’s notice, and by now we’ve even endured the hair-raising death drop that left your narrator here laid up in bed for the better part of the New Years holiday weekend.  Any minute now … barring any ridiculous, last-minute theatrics, of course, this crazy train of ours should be coming to a complete stop and, once the floor boards have been replaced, we should all be free to remove the shoulder restraints and exit the ride area back to temperatures that are a little more “stable” and not nearly as “hypothermia-inducing,” to say the least.

Any minute now, the nightmares of this wicked winter gone mad should all be behind us, and it’ll be sunshine and unicorns from here on out … I promise!

Well, that is until hurricane season starts up in a few months, anyways…

With apologies to Pete Townsend and The Who…

Whew – is everybody still with us?!

Boy, has it been a rough couple of weeks around this place … I don’t know about you, but that cold was just about more than I could bear!  I mean, people move to Florida to get away from the freezing cold, and yet we just spent the better part of the last three weeks fighting off Frosty and his fiendishly freezing foes like our lives depended on it … because for people who don’t actually own coats, they did depend on it!

Fortunately it seems that global warming is finally back on our side once again and those frantic flurries are long gone in favor of temperatures more befitting of the white, sandy beaches and coconut-flavored drinks that make our state a fine place to visit and an even better place to live.  But as much as we’re all certainly basking in the warmth that had temporarily forgotten us, know that us Floridians are still feeling a world of hurt from those seemingly endless days of frost-covered windshields and blanket-laden shrubberies, and if there’s one thing that we learned from this mind (and body!)-numbing experience, it’s that frankly put – we can never allow such a frigid travesty to happen ever again.

We can’t go back, we won’t go back, and I think I speak for everyone from the Sunshine State when I say that we’re willing to do anything, and I mean anything to ensure that we never feel the unrelenting wrath of Old Man Winter and his abominable ice capades ever again!  Of course, as you would imagine, it will take a grand scheme of epic proportions to feign back such evil forces in all of their nippy nastiness, but as luck would have it one good thing that did come out of my recently being sick was that I found myself laid up with plenty of time to think about this exact issue.

Here are a few of the ideas that I’ve been kicking around so far:

• Strategically-located space heaters.
• Giant blankets, arranged over our cities and towns in an impressive, fort-like manner.  May also use giant couch cushions, as available.
• No more visitors from “up north” who always seem to “bring it with them” when they “come to visit.”
• Maybe I’m still a bit calorically hung over from Christmas, but is it just me or does the house always seem warmer while you’re baking cookies?  The mandatory baking of delicious treats every Saturday afternoon – I mean, who wouldn’t get behind that?!
• More hugging.  Well … nah, that one might get a bit awkward…
• Build a large campfire somewhere in the vicinity of Central Florida – nothing warms the body after a long day like some s’mores shared amongst friends.
• A state-sponsored, mass hibernation program – basically, the entire state of Florida just shuts down if the temperature drops below 45 degrees Fahrenheit.

Got a better idea?  Let’s hear it, folks, because time is of the essence and that jerk Winter could be back any second!  Preparations must be made; tropically-oriented lifestyles must be secured.  We can’t handle temperatures like that again, but with the right brilliant idea, we won’t have to.

Remember, we’re willing to do anything…

And I say that not so much with concern regarding the spreading of swine flu as much as simply a meager plea to the sinus gods who are currently beating my very being to a swollen pulp … I’d be willing to bet my last bottle of NyQuil that everyone out there would agree that when you’re sick, and I mean truly plastered to the bed, stuck watching whatever drivel plagues afternoon television-sick, pretty much the single most painful thing a person can do is the everyday, the seemingly innocent, but therefore all the more devastating … the sneeze.

Now I don’t know what it is about being at the bottom of your own respective barrel, but it certainly seems that everything painful – from stubbed toes to banged up shins – are all amplified to the Nth degree when one finds himself under the weather.  Still, they can’t help but pale in comparison to the soul-shattering, bone-weakening apocalypse that is the common sneeze … which frankly is even more bizarre because while cracking one’s big toe on the edge of the door or connecting a kneecap squarely with a dresser drawer that has been negligently left ajar quite obviously should hurt even on the best of days, I don’t know about you, but as far as I’ve been lead to understand, sneezes aren’t normally what one would classify as a painful experience in your normal, everyday life!

Recently I found myself on the receiving end of this ungodly, bone-wrenching force as a result of all of the uncharacteristically frigid weather that has been beating down upon us as of late and let me tell you, having endured a total of three sneezes throughout the duration of said ailment, I for one think I’m pretty lucky to be alive to tell the tale here today!  I mean, sure the incessant coughing was enough to make me sound like one of Homer Simpson’s in-laws, and judging by the size of Mount St. Kleenex as she continues to tower over my nightstand, the sniffles were certainly no picnic, either, but if I could trade them all for the absence of sneezing the next time I get sick?  Well, let’s just say that I’d happily take up residence inside Mount St. Kleenex, which I can only imagine would not be a very fun place to live, especially when eruptions plague its fluffy, white mountainside…

But back to the question at hand – really, what is it that makes sick sneezes so much more potent than your average, everyday, walking through the park kind of sneeze??? Seriously, inquiring sinuses want to know – there’s got to be at least one mildly educated, medically trained reader out there who’s been saying to herself for the last five minutes, “It’s elementary, my dear humor columnist!  You see, the capillaries expand at an astounding rate, and when you’re sick, it causes your metabolic consistency to triple, which results in the common sneeze actually feeling like someone took a sledgehammer to your very skeletal structure…” If you happen to be that person, for god sakes write in and share with us your infinite wisdom – this isn’t a Where do babies come from?-kind of secret, you know – this is important!

In the meantime, though, while we wait for that one good Samaritan in the crowd to shed some sunlight on the scathing severity of these sickly sneezes, my deepest condolences go out to any and everyone who currently finds themselves laid up, broken down, bedridden, indisposed, or otherwise under the weather.  Of course, the chances of avoiding one or more of these sobering sneezes altogether throughout the course of your own ailment are impossible at best, but at the very least perhaps they could aim more for the realm of aching and crippling as opposed to dilapidating and bone shattering.

Good luck, my sniffling, mucus-laden brethren – your shortage of sneezes will be in our utmost prayers…

Hey, Old Man Winter?  Ummm … we need to talk.

Look – I understand that being all cold and bone chilling and overall just depressing is kind of your thing, but here’s the thing – some of us live in Florida. We didn’t sign up for this shit.  If we wanted to spend our days with chapped lips and frozen toes, there are certainly places a bit farther north that we could be living … like the North Pole. Instead we chose this – the land of sunsets and beaches and even the occasional bikini, or so I’m told – but this atrocious weather as of late hasn’t exactly been very inviting for fruity, rum-based drinks laden with little plastic umbrellas, if you know what I’m saying…

You see, “winter” for us here in Florida is about having to occasionally wear long-sleeve shirts and closed-toed shoes, not thermal underwear and gigantic, poofy coats that make us look even more like the Michelin Man than we’re really comfortable with! Hell, the other day my wife had to wait for the ice to melt off of her windshield before she could drive home! Ice … windshield … not Margarita glass … is any of this getting through to you?!

I mean, I’m sorry if I sound a little bit on edge, but frankly, this is the second year in a row now that you’ve tried to pull this crap right after the holidays and while we appreciate the sentiment – maybe you’re going for some sort of post-White Christmas Effect or something – it’s important for us to tell you in a constructive criticism-sort of manner that seriously, this is just not working for us.  An overnight of chills here, a blustery weekend there – fine, we can pull out our satirical Floridian Winter Clothes and push through it, but at this point we’re going on, like, three solid weeks of sub-60 temperatures and something’s just gotta give!

This morning I noticed the blankets that my neighbor had strewn through his yard to keep their bushes from freezing and I almost considered stealing them for myself! Forget the plants – people come before plants…

I don’t know if maybe you get some sort of kickback from mitten and hot chocolate sales, but whatever they’re paying you, double it! If I need to take up a collection and have every Floridian throw in a buck, something tells me that we’d all be more than happy at this point to cut back on our morning donuts or even coffee for a single day if only to whisk us back to the bright and cheery, Floridian warmth to which we’ve grown accustomed.  Really, it’s either that or we learn to adapt to this Winter Wonderland climate, with all of the wool hats and long underwear that our northern brethren have become dependent on whenever temperatures slip into the icy cold abyss.

Of course, the chances of that happening are about as likely as Frosty the Snowman building his summer home down here.

Yeah, too soon for that one…

The bottom line is this – here in Florida we’ve come to enjoy a very specific kind of weather, and although it might threaten us with the occasional hurricane or flash flood, those are pretty much the two types of severe weather that we signed up for.  Yep, look it up – there’s a limit, so just like California has earthquakes and mudslides and Kansas has tornados and being absolutely bored out of your mind, here in Florida we’ve already chosen our two as well and cold weather is most definitely not on that list!  I mean, it’s a reasonable misunderstanding, despite all of the rosy cheeks and frozen nose hairs, but now’s the time to correct this chilly mishap.

Seriously, like right now – we’re freezing down here!

Folks, I don’t want to sound like a buzz kill here, but nonetheless I feel the distinct need to clear something up.  Specifically – it’s November here in Florida.

You know the month – smack dab right there on your calendar between Garfield Trick or Treating for Lasagna and Odie Dressed Up as a Reindeer.  It’s a 30-day period traditionally known for turkeys and Thanksgiving and eventually also transcending the seasons from autumn into winter.  Most important of all, though, is the simple point that the month of November is not in what you would consider “the summer” … also known around these parts as The Season of Air Conditioner Appreciation.  I know that Florida tends to get stereotyped as the state that doesn’t experience actual “seasons,” but that’s simply not true.  Our seasons may be significantly less dramatic than those experienced around the rest of the country – i.e. we’ve never had to “get up early to go shovel out the car” … thank god!  But we do still see colder weather towards the end of the year and there are several days when we even have to dig out *gasp* long sleeve shirts!

All gloating aside, however, the real reason that I wanted to bring all of this up is because this ugly “no seasons” stereotype carries right over to a very time-honored tradition here in Florida that when not thought through can lead to devastating, often times shriveling results.  That activity, of course, is swimming.

You see, people don’t realize it because the Florida that they see on TV and in the movies uses those fancy special effects and digital editing these days, but believe it or not, there comes a time here even in the Sunshine State where the water, simply put, is f-ing freezing! Sure, it may not have icebergs in it or be frozen over like bodies of water in some northern states that shall remain nameless, but still, if you think that you’re coming to our state to simply “hang out at the pool” between, oh say, late September and March, you’re either a polar bear or at the very least in for quite the rude awakening!

Also shrinkage, guys – think about it.

“I know, I know…” you hear me say sympathetically.  “It’s just not fair.  It’s still 70 degrees out – that’s warm, right?!” But we both know that water temperature and air temperature are two different things … well, *I* know that, anyways.  And if you’d like to test this theory of yours out by dipping the twins into the shivery 60 degree depths, by all means be my guest!  Just don’t come crying to me when you’re resembling raisins in all the wrong areas, wondering why you can’t have kids while also asking me to autograph my latest book for your nephew, even though we both know that it’s really for your wife to make up for ruining her favorite blouse in the washing machine with that black pen you forgot to take out of your pants pocket.

Besides, there are still lots of great things that one can do here in Florida during the cooler months that don’t involve losing one’s toes, genitals, and other appendages in no particular order to an icy grave.  For example, you could find somebody who has a heated pool or spend your hard-earned dollars at one of our many fabulous theme parks, many of which have plenty of twisty-turny roller coasters that will jostle your insides to the point where swimming will be the last item on your agenda for the immediate future.  Or even better yet, you could always just do what us locals do during this time of year – be thankful that it isn’t hurricane season – that always helps to warm my bones after a cold and blustery day!

Just remember that unlike many of life’s other challenges, this is one that copious quantities of beer cannot solve and if you think waking up next to someone whose name you can’t remember is bad enough, imagine that they don’t have any toes because they thought that every droplet of water within the boundaries of Florida was like bathwater all the time! The truth is, that doesn’t actually apply until mid-March, which is coincidentally right around spring break, so until then you’re still welcome to come and visit, but you might want to bring a book.

…either that or just stay where you are and enjoy all of that shoveling – it’s really your call!

You’ve just gotta love the holiday spirit, don’t you? The purchasing of gifts for your friends and family, the delightful flow of eggnog as you divulge secrets from your childhood past that you wouldn’t dare tell your dog sober, and the beautiful descent of thousands of tiny snowflakes falling from the sky – each a little more different than the last – and ultimately all of them piling together to form an impassable mountain of ice and snow, that of which the Abominable Snowman himself couldn’t imagine traversing without a week’s worth of supplies and that pair of monogrammed earmuffs his Mother made for him when he but a wee snow beast. Yeah, of all the fun and magic that winter presents us with, the dealings with snow and its removal on a grand scale are likely at the bottom of most lists, and it’s because of this that during these months I offer up my most humble and sympathetic words…

“Ha ha!”

That’s right, I may get taunts and jeers all summer long as wave after wave of hurricane-y goodness floods over my Floridian home, but it’s all worth it when we get into the winter months and I imagine my homeland up in Northern Michigan, quaint as it may very well be, buried up to its proverbial neck in that cold and unyielding white gold! And don’t get me wrong, from the perspective of the skier or the snowmobiler or the snowman aficionado, having every perceivable inch of the countryside dusted with a hefty, six-foot “massacre” of snow sounds perfectly wonderful – the more the merrier, right? But alas, when factoring together my lack of enough coordination to watch skiing on television, much less stand up on a pair of skis myself, an absence of any inking of an ambition whatsoever to ride a deathtrap flying at 80mph across a landscape covered with all sorts of trees and other large obstacles for me to run into, and finally an unspeakable occurrence that we’ll only refer to as “The Naked Snowman Incident of ‘96” and leave it at that, and without further a due, you have a good summary of exactly why I moved from the snow-laden region of Northern Michigan down to the sunny, snow-free land that is Florida.

Also, did I mention that I never really cared much for shoveling the stuff, either? I guess one would probably just go ahead and assume that, but I figured as long as we were on the topic…

But anyways, needless to say quite a few people seem to be jealous when I tell them that thanks to living in Florida, I no longer have to own such items as snow shovels and ice scrapers and long-sleeve shirts. Ok, well maybe that’s pushing it just a bit – I do admittedly have a couple of long-sleeve shirts in my closet that come out during those bitterly-cold times when it gets down into the low 60’s, but you can sure bet that my snowsuits and thermal underwear weren’t exactly at the top of my list when I started packing my belongings three years ago! In fact, I think my Mom even has some of those winter-type clothes that I used to wear during these times when I still lived at home. She occasionally tells me that she’s holding them for the next time I come up to visit during the wintertime, however I just don’t have the heart to tell her that a) that ain’t gonna happen as long as it continues to stay seventy or eighty degrees warmer down here than it is up there; and b) I’m not exactly as skinny as I used to be when I wedged myself into those thermal undies back in the day!

So for the time being I think I’ll be just as happy keeping on down here in the Sunshine State, soaking up the rays while everyone up north is soaking up the…well, actually you won’t be soaking up much of anything for a while because it’s pretty much all frozen right now, but you get the figure of speech nonetheless! And remember, you’re always more than welcome to stop by for a little vacation if those blustery winters prove to be too much for you this holiday season. Just don’t forget to pack a couple of long-sleeve shirts – it gets cold down in these parts in the winter, too!

Living in a small town can be both a blessing and a curse, and having grown up in one of these smaller communities, I think I can safely say that I’ve gotten more than my share of experience at both ends of the spectrum. There is a certain charm to living in an area where the trees still manage to outnumber the residents – being able to walk down the street without getting shot at is always nice, as is not having to wait a half an hour at the ATM to make a ten dollar withdrawal. Nonetheless, John Mellencamp wasn’t kidding when he sang about the little opportunity around these towns because I, for one, can vouch just how easily it is to be bored out of your freaking mind in a place like this!

“But up in the Great White North, there’s all sorts of things to do – you can go huntin’, or fishin’, or hikin’…” or so the people claim, but come on – this isn’t the 1930’s, Huck – how many kids do you know of that hurry home from school with plans of rushing down to the creek in search of bullheads?! Nope, kids nowadays have a very limited number of ways that they’re willing to spend their free time – either by a) hanging out with friends and complete strangers, or b) chatting with friends and complete strangers over the Internet because their parents won’t let them out of the house to do it in person…and rightly so, because just between you and me – there are some really creepy folks on the Internet these days! But that’s another column altogether…

Fortunately for my social skills, as meek as they may be, the Internet wasn’t truly a big deal yet when I was growing up, so hanging out was really my only option. This didn’t bother my parents in the least, as it usually just entailed gathering at one of my friend’s houses and playing video games or Dungeons and Dragons or whatever the geekiest thing in the world happened to be at the time – as long as I was home by 10:00pm, I was free to recite powerful spells and worship the devil and do all of those other things that the stereotypes suggested, and even a few others that they had never thought of! If nothing else, at least it prepared me for a few years down the road when I started a rock ‘n roll band, and then all hell broke loose… (we now collectively refer to these times as the good old days)

So while my friends and I chose to pass the time by being humongous nerds, other classmates of ours had their own ways of passing the time, whether it be by playing sports, working after-school jobs, or dry-humping on their parents’ loveseats – everyone had something to do! Times do change, however, and whether or not all of the Magic cards and basketballs and loveseats have simply disappeared at mysteriously high rates or because of some other, even more bizarre reason that my own creative forces can’t even come up with this late at night, kids today are finding themselves with just skads of free time on their hands – so much so that they’re pouring out onto the streets in troves, kind of like that mutant slime did in Ghostbusters 2, only with spiked hair and more piercings than the four members of the Red Hot Chili Peppers combined!

“They’re just hanging out with their friends – like you used to,” I’m told by their few and far-between supporters. I beg to differ, however – for starters, we didn’t have piercings to show our individuality, we had pocket protectors, and we didn’t hang out in parking lots so much as actual buildings – so while our activities could be considered hanging out, the new age version is more along the lines of loitering. Sure, it might be cool if the whole gang was just really into Rite Aid’s product line (their cotton swabs in particular are to die for…) and felt the need to share their love with new and potential customers as they drive by on Main Street, but I’m thinkin’ that this just isn’t the case…

Although the situation can be most noticeable during the summer vacation months, where it’s not at all uncommon to find many of the larger parking lots along the main strip completely packed with teens out for a night on the lot, to the point where there’s actually a waiting list leading out into the road, what caught my attention even more was the gathering I saw just the other night – keep in mind that this is Northern Michigan in the middle of January. Pulling up to a red light sometime between nine and ten o’clock at night, I looked over to see the parking lot of a local fish ‘n chips restaurant overflowing with cars…and no, their food isn’t just that good! There must’ve been two or three dozen kids huddled together in the lot, their pants halfway around their ankles and a steady stream of smoke coming from the center of the circle. The light turned green before I could tell exactly what kind of smoke it was, but…

Oh yeah, did I mention the temperature by chance?! It was seven. That’s right, just seven – Fahrenheit, of course, for all of you Nazis who somehow still manage to think that your metric system has a chance. The best visualization I’ve ever heard was passed on to me by another comedian whose name I cannot currently recall – around freezing (thirty-two degrees Fahrenheit), you can start to see your breath, but you know it’s really cold here in Michigan because you can both see your breath and hear it as it crashes to the ground! Here it is so blastin’ cold that the stars won’t even come out, and yet these kids are hanging out in the parking lot like it’s the 4^th of July! Now that’s dedication if I ever saw it! (or stupidity…the two tend to get confused a lot these days…)

Who knows, though – maybe they’re actually on to something and we’re just too big a wussies to go outside and see what all of the fuss is about. For all we know, they could have the knowledge of a lifetime brewing out there, like ‘Spending three hours a day, four nights a week in sub-zero temperatures will add ten years to your life…’ or ‘True happiness can be found for only 99 cents from the Burger King drive-through late at night, as long as Dave’s working…’ or even ‘A strict diet of marijuana and cigarettes maintained will convince your brain that the real cold weather doesn’t even start until it get into the negative numbers…’ I don’t know exactly what’s going on out there, but nonetheless it seems to be enough to keep the chicks coming in by the carload, which is more than we could ever say about our all-night Dungeons and Dragons sessions!

They say that you never have to grow old if you don’t want to? Well in that case, if anyone needs me, I’ll be out chillin’ in the parking lot…literally!

(First of all, the title of my column is in response to Just Laugh’s current issue theme, which by a roll of the dice apparently turned out being Cinco de Mayo. Since this column really has nothing to do with Mexicans, the nation of Mexico or Corona imported-beer, this is the closest we’re gonna get…)

Look outside your window right now. Go ahead – get up and walk over to the window (trust me, the computer will be there when you get back!). What’s the weather like outside at your house??? What’s that, you say? Sunny and warm – pretty much the norm for this time of year? Well then, I envy you more than you will ever know…

You see, I live in Northern Michigan (current weather conditions: sucky, increasing to total crap by nightfall). Normally it’s a great place to be – there’s virtually no crime, the scenery is absolutely beautiful and the majority of the people are pretty easy to get along with, but don’t get your hopes up just yet. Sure, I’ve even got the legendary Alpenfest right in my back yard every single year, but there’s one tiny catch that bitters even this icing on the cake…

The other night I woke up at about three in the morning to get a late-night snack. After making my selection from the fridge, I turned around and mistakenly got a glimpse out the window. There was snow on the ground – white, cold, evil snow. I stood there for ten minutes trying to figure it out myself, after which I had finished my sandwich and decided that it was time to stumble back to bed.

If you’re confused by this point, let me explain: this is spring – the end of April even! Two days prior, the temperatures got up to eighty-five degrees during the day and barely below sixty at night, and now we’re back to decking the halls and preparing ourselves for the jolly, old, fat man. Hell, I haven’t even finished taking my Christmas lights down yet, and now there’s reason enough to start putting them back up again! I had even impressed myself (along with half of the neighborhood!) by getting a head-start on raking the yard before the city had to send the threatening letters, and now it’s all buried underneath that fluffy, white crap…where’s the love here?!?!?!

I don’t even know why we even have “weathermen” up here because out of all the reports I’ve heard over my years, exactly three of them have been accurate and two of them were while I was on vacation in a different state! It’s like the equivalent of me practicing antique furniture restoration or professional football and actually being serious about it. Of course, there was that stint back in high school…yep, they used to call me “Shotgun-Arm Scottie,” but that’s another story altogether…

Where was I, anyways? Oh yeah, that’s right – the weather up here is completely unpredictable and generally sucky. (as if our board of tourism doesn’t hate me enough already!) It wouldn’t be nearly as bad if only Mother Nature would make up her mind once in a while and just pick a season…preferably one of the ones that doesn’t have much snow in it. I say much because as any Northern Michigan resident knows, winter is always right around the corner…and it’s usually packing heat, or cold in this case…

So you still want to make the trip up north this year, eh? Well, as much as I rant on and on about my anti-tourism ideals, deep in my heart I realize that the economy of this little community depends on the exchange of your hard-earned dollars for our trinkets and do-dads to survive (that, and I’ll be reading about it in the paper for the next year and a half if tourism is down…), so here’s my contribution to the cause. Below I’ve compiled a packing list to prepare you for your journey into the Great White North. It’s good for just about any time of the year and I personally guarantee that everything you could possibly need for such an adventure is included in my list. (not really) Feel free to print it out and give it to all of your friends – maybe as a going away present because chances are they’re never going to see you again…

Aren’t there bears “outside”???

Scott’s Northern Michigan Adventure Check-List

• Warm-weather clothing (shorts, t-shirts, bug spray, etc…)
• Cold-weather clothing (long pants, sweat shirts, bug spray)
• Really cold-weather clothing (thermal underwear, sweaters, fuzzy hat)
• Full range of jackets (wind-breaker, spring, rain, winter, ski, arctic exploration)
• Footwear (hiking boots, galoshes, waders, walking shoes, running shoes, snow shoes, bowling shoes, ski boots, mukluks)
• Socks
• Umbrella (like it’ll matter…)
• Sunglasses
• Big, floppy “tourist” hat
• Over-sized fanny pack (if you’re ultra cool, go for the leather one…)
• A map of a neighboring state (it’ll be just as confusing – trust me!)
• A gigantic cooler, filled with more food than your entire family could eat in a month
• Camera (because you’ll definitely want to capture the whole thing on tape)
• Video camera (it picks up the crying and arguing much better than ordinary film)
• Ear plugs (“Are we there yet?!?!?!”)
• Cyanide capsules (just in case…)

And the most important thing to bring on your trip to Northern Michigan…

• All of your credit cards

Just remember – Michigan is the one shaped like a hand…reaching out to take all of your money. Hope to see you all real soon!!!