Ok, so I righteously confess – when it comes to entertainment, relaxation and all around having-a-good-time-ed-ness, I’m a Disney Freak (although we do prefer the term Savant when given the option). In fact, whereas I used to answer, “On my couch, watching TV…” when receiving the infamous, “Where you at?” call on my cell over the weekend, now instead callers are much more likely to hear, “We’re just getting ready to hop on Spaceship Earth” or “We’re watching the fireworks over Cinderella’s Castle – where are you?” or even once, I must admit, “Holy crap – we’re about to get eaten alive…I’m gonna have to call you back!”

For all of you fellow Disney Freaks out there, you know that ride…

But alas, just as in everywhere else that I go, I tend to notice things left and right that stand out to me – some because they’re funny in a good way, and some because they really stand to irritate me in a very, very bad way! My girlfriend tells me that I need to just let it go already and enjoy the happiest place on Earth as it is, but hey, if I can make a column out of it and whip a little moral / well-thought-out plea at my readers in the meantime, then I suppose that’s just as well. So take these words to heart and let them flourish, for within your dreams do all of the answers to your heart lie…

…I have no idea what that means, but regardless – on with the show!

• You’re never too old to get your picture taken with your favorite Disney characters, but remember, guys – just because she’s supposed to be “in character” doesn’t mean that it’s going to stop Snow White from smacking you up something fierce for those “wandering hands” of yours…
  • …but nonetheless, won’t that make for a memorable shot for the album?!
• Just remember – don’t think of it as “waiting in line;” instead try to consider it just “building the anticipation”…kind of like foreplay for the amusement park!
• If nothing else, the technological wonder that is Epcot has taught us that no vegetable is more hilarious than the turnip…the singing turnip, that is!
• Despite their clever ruse, wearing a Hawaiian shirt won’t automatically get you on stage at Disney-MGM Studio’s Indiana Jones Stunt Spectacular…believe me, I’ve tried!
• If I catch wind that you went to the Magic Kingdom and didn’t bring me anything from the Main Street Confectionary, please consider us to no longer be on speaking terms…
• No matter how much fun it looks, wearing your bathing suit so that you can play in the fountains with the kiddies will get you red-flagged by security every time…at least when you’re in your mid-40s, that is…
• It’s ok to experience a little education while you’re on vacation, a la the World Showcase at Epcot…besides, what better way to familiarize yourself with other cultures than by enjoying a frothy beverage the world around?!
• But if it’s peace and quiet you’re after, allow me to suggest Disney’s Animal Kingdom – rumor has it one day they might even build a theme park there…
• Pushing a stroller does not automatically grant you supreme power over the sidewalks and walkways – the same rules of common courtesy still apply…even if you’re getting grumpy because the baby has been crying ever since Mr. Toad’s “Wild” Ride and you just caught your fiancé staring at that girl’s chest.
• …and while we’re at it, how’s about understanding that the gift shops are crowded enough as it is…that’s why you see stroller parking all around these places! Don’t act so surprised when you get those dirty looks because you’re trying to push that four-wheel-drive, two-seater beast through an already packed toy store!
• Ok, one last thing and then I’ll lay off the strollers, I promise! Scenario goes as follows – we’re all leaving the park at the end of the day, huddled in a gigantic mass of varying moods, and you decide that it’ll speed up your own departure by simply leaving the stroller behind in the middle of the sidewalk (hey, it’s the park’s anyways, right?) and just carrying the baby out to the parking lot. Thanks to your quick thinking, most of us are left to walk around your discarded stroller because hey, have you ever made the mistake of touching somebody else’s stroller and getting caught by an over-defensive mother?! If I catch you doing it, I will say something…
• But who really wants to be in a bad mood at the end of a great day at Disney, anyways? Go grab yourself a $7 caramel/fudge/M&M/peanut-covered apple from the nearest candy store and enjoy it…it’s going to take roughly three days to get back to your car, so you’ve got plenty of time!

But seriously, folks – I’m not bitter…I just write that way…

(ten bonus points to anyone who identifies the reference before next week!)

It’s like the Beach Boys always said, “Girls are always ready for a summer of love…” while coincidentally the guys are pretty much ready whenever the girls are up for a fling, so as we transcend in the warm summer months it kinda works out for everybody! Volleyball by day, campfires and quiet walks on the beach by nightfall – it’s a wonder that anyone around here manages to make it to work at all during this time of year…

Of course, here in Florida stating that the beaches will most likely be packed would be just about as bad as stating that Ralph Nader actually has a chance at winning the Presidential Election this fall, so I thought it might be useful if I were to use this week’s time to press forth some of my own tips for making the most of your time at the beach or otherwise out under the sun in search for that perfect mate with the rippling biceps and the neatly-combed back hair – don’t worry, guys – she’s out there somewhere!

• First of all, don’t forget the essentials for a fun day at the beach – suntan lotion, cool-looking shades, an oversized beach towel covered with cartoon characters that will be deemed cute by members of the opposite sex, and six months prior of time spent at the gym and in the tanning salon so as to look like you’ve actually been living at this same beach long before anyone else got there.
• If the sky suddenly turns dark and it starts to pour, don’t consider your day ruined just yet. Jump in the water and wait about fifteen minutes – it’ll be sunny again in no time…
• …unless, of course, you happen to see funnel clouds or massive amounts of lightning on the horizon. In that case, run for your lives! Sea mammals washing up on shore at random can also be a sign that your afternoon may very well be cut a bit short…
• Building a sand castle at the beach can be a great way to pass the time while your girl is catching some Zzz’s…however being a huge bully, on the other hand, and dedicating your downtime to knocking down the three-story imperial palace (with working moat and irrigation system) that I spent all morning working on, is not cool.
• Nothing will impress your date more than a moonlit walk along the beach, hand-in-hand. At least nothing you can afford…
• Be sure to bring the car to a complete stop before retracting your convertible top! This lesson usually only takes one incident to learn – just trying to help you learn from my experiences!
• If you plan on being outside for more than fifteen minutes, plan on wearing at least SPF 1000 sunscreen – the summer heat here in the tropics can easily take you from zero to lobster in a matter of hours. Better yet, don’t plan on being outside for more than fifteen minutes.
• It’s a proven fact that chicks dig guys with fancy sports cars, however significantly less so if you only happen to be selling them at low, low prices…
• Just for the record, daffodil is – and always will be – a funny word.
• The likeliness of being eaten by a shark at the beach is directly proportional to the amount of horrendously-unnecessary flailing you do at the first sign of danger – just something to keep in mind…
• You’re never too old and wrinkly to enjoy a day at the beach…and although they won’t admit it to your face, you’d be surprised just how much the senior citizen’s discount and removable teeth can turn a woman on!
• Sure, any lady would love an afternoon spent at the art museum or an evening of dancing underneath the stars, but it’s just that they’ve all been done so many times before! On the other hand, consider a trip to the Rutabaga Farm or the Ear Wax Emporium, or you might even try taking her out for a night of gator thumping – now that’s a date she’ll never forget!!!
• And ladies, don’t think that I’ve forgotten you – worried about sealing the deal with your latest boy today? Just follow my simple, one-step plan for guaranteed success – SHOW UP! Works every time…
• But if you remember only one thing from this column as you head out into a summer of love, let it be this –as the sun goes down in August and it starts to cool off once again, thus reducing the amount of time that you’ll want to spend at the beach, eventually you’re going to have to go back to work / school / “the home,” so make the best of these days of summer!
  • Also, don’t forget to get her number, you idiot…

When you spend as much time on the Internet as I do, it kind of becomes sort of a second home, for better or for worse. Good days and bad days alike, there are always those certain things that can either make my day or set me off like a rocket. We all have our pet peeves, but I think there’s just something about the increasing population of complete idiots online that exemplifies these extremes…so in following with the trend, here’s my list of guidelines for those who are just now wandering onto the world wide web and our seasoned veterans – you’re never too old to stop being an idiot…

• Unless it’s spam, getting e-mail is usually pretty cool for just about all of us. Nonetheless, whether you’re sending me hate mail or fan mail, could we maybe work on the spelling and/or punctuation, please?! Neither “U SUX ‘CUZ YER N0T FUNY” nor “HEHEHE…THAT WUZ FUNEY…WANNA GO OUT???????” is doing anything for me…
• I’m not much of an IM’er (instant messaging), but if you’re going to IM me, at least think of something to talk about ahead of time! “Hi!” is only an acceptable conversation piece if you’re a chick, and even if you’re a hot one, you’d better have something else to follow-up with…
• …and “…check out my page on faceparty.com / amihotornot.com / miscellaneousratingsrus.com…” just aren’t cutting it for me! If you’re striving to attain the fame and fortunes (yeah, right…) that the Internet has to offer, either give us some actual content or get your ass back to homeroom…
• To Anyone Looking to Impress Somebody on Their Birthday: I have only one word for you: eBay. Everything from front row concert tickets to celebrity autographs to that Strawberry Shortcake lunchbox that she used to have back in elementary school, I’ve yet to find anything that can’t be picked up on eBay…as long as you’re willing to shell out the cash. But who can really put a price on happiness, anyways?!
• Whatever happened to those swell little “X-10″ ads – you know, for those super-secret, check-out-the-neighbor-girl-sunbathing spy cameras. Sure, they were kind of obnoxious when every other second they were popping up, but now that they’re gone, I kinda miss those little guys… (ditto for the Pets.com sock puppet!)
• I, too, was once a bit skeptical of these online dating services, but then it occurred to me that even if she does turn out to be a man, at least I’ll finally have somebody to play pool with at the bar.
• I don’t care what anybody else says – if you’re looking for the good porn, you’re going to have to pay for it!
• To Everyone Who Has the Gall to Post an Amazon Wish-List on Their Website: do those things actually work?! (…because I’ve got a great one standing-by just in case…)
• Does anybody else get these really weird e-mails all the time, boasting about ways to “Make your genitals 3x their size overnight!” and “Turn ordinary, household garbage into pure gold!!!”? I just wanted to make sure that I’m not the only one because they seemed a little too good to be true.
• According to statistical analysis, 70% of all Internet porn traffic occurs during the 9-to-5 workday…is that why my keyboard at work always sticks so often?
• To Anyone Who’s Trying to Build Their Own Website: I know that there are lots of free web hosts out there, but would you at least consider spending the $5/month to pop for a host who doesn’t require 800 pop-up ads on every page?! I’d love to read more about your horses, honest, but I’d rather not crash my browser during the process.
• I never thought I’d be for the government regulation of anything, but maybe…just maybe…could we post a limit of say, three bitchy blog postings per week? I don’t care if your life sucks and you’re contemplating suicide with a dull spork, let’s at least try to keep it light and peppy a couple days a week, eh?!
• If your e-mail application begins spouting errors because your POP3 settings have been improperly configured to scan for an IMAP server on port 113 instead of the standard POP3/SMTP layout for ports 110 and 25, it may very well be that your virtual host’s administrator has altered the default server configurations to compensate for a vulnerability within the firewall between his CPU and an outside router and your own application is simply auto-detecting the change and taking appropriate actions, even if they’re wrong. Computers are stupid like that sometimes…
• To All of the Cam Whores: keep up the great work!!!
• …and for the love of God, just admit it already – we all look at the porn from time to time, maybe some more than others, but we’re all doing it. Just try to remember to close and lock the door before you…ummm…get started, to help avoid any unwelcome company, if you know what I mean!

If there was ever a place for general idiocy to reign over the masses, the office would without a doubt take the top position above all others! Although it might seem to the average blue-collar worker that the typical, nine-to-five office job should be a million times easier than, say shoveling coal or laying railroad ties all day long, anyone who actually spends fifty hours a week in cubicle hell on a regular basis knows all about the stress that can come from irate phone calls, broken copy machines, and of course, the boss himself…

Granted, some of these things are just part of the job and will likely never change, so the best that we can do in the meantime is do our best to pick some fun and hope that a few people actually realize just how crazy the whole system really is! Quite possibly the best rendition of this erratic machine was seen in the classic Office Space by the infamous Mike Judge a few years ago, so for everyone who was involved in giving us one of the best comedies of this generation, this one’s for you!

• There are always those one or two, or twenty-some, people who absolutely refuse to answer their extensions when they ring and only return voice-mails from people who they like – these people are wieners and really do deserve it when the boss suddenly catches them stealing office supplies, such as computer equipment and his favorite trophy…
• …and speaking of those who feel the need to fill their own homes with as many office supplies as they can slip by security in an attempt to damn the man, please just try to keep in mind that some of us actually do need pens for our everyday jobs!
• Are you one of those people who are determined to get every single second of time off coming to you in the form of breaks and lunch periods, yet nonetheless don’t really have anyplace else to go so you sit at your desk and watch me work as you eat? If so, could you please stop? It’s not that I don’t respect your right to a delicious lunch on your own time, but you’re kinda startin’ to creep me out…
• Note to the Intern(s) Currently Nailing My Supervisor: Keep up the good work! When he’s happy, we’re all happy!!!
• Tired of being fed-up about your co-workers borrowing your stapler and not returning it all the time? Try leaving a pleasant note expressing your feelings near your stapler where they’re sure to find it. If this still doesn’t work, try stapling said note to the offender’s forehead…
• You know those annoying, junk faxes everybody gets every single day regarding stock recommendations, weight loss programs, and cheap vacation prices? If you happen to be the sleaze-ball who sends these things, how’s about taking a hint and giving it a rest?! Please???
• The very best phone pranks are those that kill at least two birds with one stone. Keep this in mind as you entice your victims, as not only do you score big for the meticulous acting display with your role as a Mexican technical support rep. who’s completely stoned out of his gourd, but you even score bonus points when they call back to complain and your supervisor spends the next hour and a half trying to find “Alfonzo Gobloyaselv…”
• Note to the Office Girls Who Are Always Chatting on the Phone: Unless your sister is buying thousands of dollars worth of our products every month, you need to spend a little bit more of your time talking to people who actually do! Yeah, that ringing noise? Those are what we call customers – you’ll just have to wait until lunchtime to find out what shade of blond she’s dyed her hair to this time…
• Although long, grueling hours and little exposure to the outside world can often lead to romantic encounters among co-workers, it is of the utmost importance that you remember just one general rule – dating bad, casual sex good!
• If the smokers all get to take cigarette breaks whenever they’d like, how’s about giving us healthy folks some time to enjoy an addiction or two of our own? I don’t know about you, but I know that I always feel more productive after a good porn break!
• There are certain laws of the universe that simply cannot be argued with. For example, the copy machine will always perform flawlessly when used to duplicate personal documents from home, or even the unsightly image of one’s ass, yet it will never cease to jam up when you need to use it for something that’s actually work-related.
• The same theory can also be applied to the snack machines in the break room. I know whenever I have a craving for something as simple as a bag of Skittles, I always find the machine mysteriously empty of anything resembling Skittles upon my approach. Adding to my dismay, the guy at the table on the other side of the room sits quietly off on his own, nonchalantly enjoying a delicious bag of Skittles…
• If you’re answering the phone at work, at least try to make an attempt to identify yourself when you pick up. Even though I don’t boast telepathic powers, I do like to know whom I’m talking to, and I’m guessing that others might, too!
• Note to the Three Fat Chicks in Accounting: Casual Dress Friday is not slang for Wear Your Most Hideously Revealing Spandex Day, and besides, who do you think you’re really kidding, anyways? Go to Wal-Mart on your next day off and find something that both fits comfortably, yet doesn’t make us all want to puke – please!
• And finally, when photocopying your ass during normal business hours, please be courteous to the person in line behind you and wipe down the glass after you’re done…

This is a very special time for me. A time that can be chaotic and completely insane or wonderously full of joy and splendor, depending on how long it takes the valium to kick in. For the most part, I think it might be safe to say that out of all the winter holiday periods, this one right now would have to be my favorite…except for a couple brief points here and there.

Allow me to explain… Christmas is obviously very stressful for many of us, having to deal with our relatives and other folk who we normally don’t see but twice a year, and while immersed in this stress-laden environment, sometimes we may tend to overlook certain concepts and details that would otherwise knock us off our feet in disgust during any other time of year. As a writer, I’m fortunate enough to be free and clear of the whole gift-giving ideology because everyone knows that we tend to fall a step below the poverty-line, so I’ve got a bit of free time on my hands during the day…just enough time to compile a list, such as the one below, of some things that we all might keep in the back of our minds this holiday season…

• If anything can turn your average, dysfunctional holiday around, it’s a plate of freshly-baked Christmas cookies…works EVERY time.
• Unless you hate me, please refrain from getting me socks or underwear for Christmas…or anything else practical, for that matter!
• Quick Tip – Guy Gifts: the awesomeness of the gift is directly proportional to the amount of flashing lights and buttons it has, divided by the time it’s going to take us to put it together. (extra points for every language over three that’s present in the instruction manual)
• Quick Tip – Gal Gifts: anything that’s furry, fluffy or smells like fruit is going to bring a smile to her face, and that just might very well be worth the death-defying trip into your local Bed, Bath and Beyond…
• While Christmas cookies aren’t a substitute for getting me a crappy gift, they do act as a great supplement to help ease the pain… (pay attention – more goodies this year!!!)
• I’m no more of a dumbass than you are for putting my holiday shopping off until the last minute, so quit complaining and just tell me which aisle you found the damn Furbees in.
• If you just happen to run into Santa (or one of his helpers) in the pub while Christmas shopping at the mall, instead of giving him a lecture about drinking while working with children, put yourself in his boots for a minute and just buy the man a round – it’s really the least you can do!
• Take it from a guy who’s been there – if you can’t operate your garage door opener while the Christmas lights are on, you may need to re-think your electrical scheme…
• Skeptics (such as your family/friends/significant other) may tell you that your holiday decorations are getting out of hand, or that you’re not going to be able to afford the electric bill next month, or that the lights are blinding them as they’re trying to pull into the garage. They are nothing but jealous fools who don’t truly understand the meaning of Christmas…unless they’ve got a plate of cookies waiting for you when you finally come inside – then and only then is there still hope of them coming around.
• I like to consider myself a fairly charitable guy – I never turn down the kids with their school fundraisers, I make sure to grab a few extra toys for the drop box when I’m shopping, and somehow I always end up finding a whole handful of checks that have been written to various organizations by the end of the year, so if I may make but one request: CAN WE PLEASE LAY OFF WITH THE BELL-RINGERS OUTSIDE EVERY SINGLE FREAKIN’ STORE I SHOP AT ALREADY?!
• Holiday parties are often awkward and unpleasant, and no doubt between work, friends and your significant other, you’re pretty well booked for the next several weeks, but all is not lost…yet. Just remember that there’s no gathering that can take you down when you’ve got a conference table full of Christmas cookies and an open bar on your side…
• No matter how good you feel at the time, it’s never a good idea to ask the boss’s wife to dance at the company Christmas party. She may seem, well, hotter and easier than usual at the time, but when everyone finally sobers up, she’ll come to her senses, he’ll still be your boss and nothing helps a hangover like your boss screaming at you for three hours the next day…
• It’s just a general rule that the larger the vehicle barreling down the road is, the worse of an idea it is to pull out in front of it…
• When I drive down your street and you happen to be snow-blowing your driveway, it’s polite to stop for a second and let me pass if you’re facing the road. You’d be amazed how a rock through the windshield can really ruin a man’s holiday spirit…
• No matter how much of a hurry you’re in, if it snowed pretty hard the night before, make at least some effort to clean out the driveway before you attempt to pull your car out of the garage. It’s always deeper than it really looks and if you can’t get to the mailbox without a shovel, neither can your Festiva. Just trust me on this one!
• Personally I’ve never done it, but I’m sure that snowmobiling is an absolute riot…at least it sure sounds like it is for you and your drunken buddies who choose to zip down my street at three in the morning at 80 mph night after night. Although snowmobiles aren’t allowed within the city limits, neither are shotguns, so you do the math…
• Freeway Rule #1: If you see lights in the distance, slow down. If you see large amounts of traffic in the distance, slow down. If you can’t see the distance, SLOW DOWN!!! Being part of a 150-car pile-up sucks.
• Slow the HELL down!!! They call it black ice because YOU CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN IT AND BARE PAVEMENT – if it’s cold, it’s probably there…
• When you’re standing on the side of the freeway, staring down at your brand-new truck and snowmobile trailer upside-down in the ditch, don’t expect me to feel sorry for you. (See above.)
• But trust me on the Christmas cookies…

Having just survived another Labor Day weekend without any major casualties, we’re finally seeing the summer vacation season come to a close. From a vacationer’s point of view, it’s time for us to get back into the swing of things and earn a little money for next year, and from that of the locals, we can finally make a simple trip to the grocery store without it being an all-day affair! I’ll admit that I’ve managed to play both roles this year, but for the purpose of this column, we’ll be concentrating on some out-of-town experiences from my yearbook.

The following are some points that, after venturing around the country over the summer, I’d like everyone else to just consider. Maybe I’m asking too much here, but who knows – possibly one or two of my fellow-travelers will agree with me here…

• Could you please try to work with me just a little at the concession stands? Although I understand that vacations are generally expensive, $4.00 for a cup of pop is considered rape back where I come from, especially when you’re buying for several people.
• We’ve all just enjoyed a fantastic event and now we’d all like to go home or back to our hotels, but let’s try to be civil during the process. Mass parking situations can turn simply getting out of the lot into an all-out brawl, but we can all make it a little easier by just working together. If you’re already in one of the outgoing lines, be a nice guy and let others in from the adjacent rows every so often, and if you’re in one of those rows, remember your roots when you finally make it in. None of us are rushing out to go perform open-heart surgery, so try and cooperate here…
• No one in their right mind gets up at seven o’clock in the morning on their vacation, so please stop asking if you can clean my hotel room that early. I make no guarantee of civility toward those who choose to violate this rule, no matter what language you might actually speak.
• If you live in a tourist-heavy area, don’t get upset by the constant barrage of camera-toting, misdirected families who simply came there to have a good time. Just be happy that you get to live there all year long and pray for the day when they go home.
• I’ll promise to stop stealing the hotel towels if you’d only get some that are a tad bit less comparable to sand paper. After a long day in the sun, these things are the final nails in the coffin for many of us…
• Contrary to the beliefs of every waiter and waitress I’ve encountered this summer, you’re not doing me a favor by bringing me my food and drinks – you’re doing your job. I have to work for a living, too, so lose the attitude or you can kiss your tip goodbye.
• As with many vacation-goers, I like to take lots of pictures, however I don’t want to take lots of pictures with you in them. When it’s obvious that I’m working on a shot, please either wait for me to finish or at least quicken your pace when crossing my path. Nevertheless, if you enjoy irritating complete strangers, walk directly up to my subject and just stare at it until I throw down my camera and strangle you.
• The lanes on the freeway are designated as follows: far left – passing lane, middle lanes – general traffic flow / speed limit, right lane – slow as hell troglodytes who shouldn’t even be on the road in the first place.
• On the other hand, don’t get ticked off at me when you have to slow down to 90 mph because the cars around me happen to be following the above rules. There’s a limit to how much you can break the speed laws before you’re just considered an idiot.
• I don’t know about how things work at your house, but in the unlikely event that somebody misses in the bathroom, we clean up after ourselves - this goes double when you’re out in public, such as at a theme park. I suppose it’s possibly that there was an earthquake or something while you were doing your thing, but do the rest of us a favor and wipe the rest off the seat (and the walls…) when you’re done…
• When you’re contemplating the next destination of your group of 20+ people, try to get everyone at least somewhat away from the dead-center of the walkway, sidewalk, etc… Your decision of whether to get pizza or burgers tonight should have no influence on how long it takes me to get to Space Mountain.
• Brief Warning: if you ask me how to get somewhere while I’m on vacation in a new city, chances are I’ll simply make something up because I have no idea where it is, either! My sense of humor can be sick like that sometimes…
• No matter how hungry the other members of my party are, we’re not eating at Denny’s.
• Traffic jams on the freeway suck, but for God’s sake, stay in your own vehicles! Nothing irritates me more than having to wait even longer after the line finally starts moving again because the elderly man ahead of me is taking pictures of his wife posing outside the car with the stopped traffic in the background.
• I don’t throw the ashes from my campfires in front of your car, so please figure out how to use the ash tray instead of throwing your cigarette butts out the window.
• Please share the hot tub at the hotel! Our day was just as exhausting as yours and as much as we’d like a chance to unwind, it’s just not polite to jump into a hot tub with a bunch of strangers. The sky’s the limit if you’re the only ones around, but if there’s already a line, let’s keep in down to a half an hour each, eh?
• Keep your vacation to yourself. If you want to get smashed at every restaurant and party all week, knock your socks off, but keep it within your own clique. Don’t bother me and I won’t bother you…or call the police.
• Staying with the theme of minimal outside interaction – just because I’m sitting next to you on the plane doesn’t mean that I actually want to talk to you and get to know you. I’m sure you’re a great person and live a fascinating life, but I’ve got one last deadline to meet before I’m allowed to go to Disney World, so please shut up and leave me alone!
• Parents, please do a little homework about the attractions before you visit them. Just because your older children loved the Jaws and King-Kong rides at Universal Studios doesn’t mean that your 2-year-old twins are going to have the same reaction…there’s something about mechanical sharks and giant, subway car-eating apes that just scares the shit out of infants…
• Yes, I was checking out your girlfriend. She’s hot and barely dressed – what did you expect?