It’s getting a little crazy around here!

I mean, I know this time of year is a pretty big deal for the manliest of the men…and women…who’ve been anxiously awaiting this weekend for the past four months one Sunday afternoon at a time, but right now you can’t even walk into a grocery store without getting assaulted by ten foot tall stacks of beer cases shaped like the Lombardi trophy, surrounded at its base by enough Limited Edition Super Bowl-Sanctioned Dipping Chips to feed a small army. And that’s just in Anytown, USA – here in Tampa as the hosts of Super Bowl XXIXXIYVVI, people don’t just have Super Bowl Fever – they’ve got the full-blown Football Pneumonia with a side order of Obsession! This morning I accidentally made a right turn onto Touchdown Boulevard and was stuck in traffic for, like, a year and a half…

Of course, I know that this game is a big deal for some people, like the fans, the players, and the guys who own the strip clubs within a stone’s throw of the stadium, but just between you and me, it’s a zany good time that I, for one, have kind of a tough time embracing because frankly, I just don’t really care for football all that much.

I know – big surprise from the guy who’d rather reformat hard drives or catch-up on Battlestar Galactica forums into the wee hours of the afternoon than actually go outside and do pretty much anything with a ball!

Now I probably shouldn’t say that too loud around here – I’d probably get extradited or punted or something – but the truth is that even growing up as a young lad back in the day, I really didn’t care much for football then, either, unless I was playing Tecmo Bowl on my Nintendo, and if my memory serves I really wasn’t even all that great at that, either! Sports in general were a thing that required…hmmm, how do I put it…physical ability, which being the kid who could save the princess on Super Mario Brothers in less than 27 minutes, I’m sure it’s not that much of a shock that I didn’t have more experience tossing the old pig skin around out in the backyard. Hey, somebody had to protect the fair citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom and those “guards” the princess had sure weren’t stepping up to the task…

So mind you, I suppose that certainly tends to beg the age-old question – what exactly is a totally-and-entirely-disinterested-in-football-kinda guy like me to do when he finds himself completely and utterly Gatorade-drenched in football fanatica here in the heart of it all only days before the big game? Do I hide in the house, close the curtains, and dig out my old copy of Tecmo Bowl in a vain attempt to feel at least somewhat sporty over the next three days? Maybe just tune in during halftime to watch good, old Bruce rock out American style, then catch the best of the commercials on YouTube Monday morning? I guess as a last ditch attempt, I could always just sit back, put on an old DVD or find some non-football-related reruns on TV, and quietly wait as this, too, shall eventually pass. Besides, before we know it, the celebrities and wanna-be celebrities and even the wanna-be wanna-be celebrities will have all retreated back to Hollywood, New York, and suburban Rhode Island, the massive game day potato chip displays in all of the grocery stores will be replaced with St. Patrick’s Day novelties (or Halloween candy, in Wal-Mart’s case), and finally, after what already seems like far too long, I’ll thankfully be able to walk down the cookie aisles of said grocery stores and be able to purchase Oreos that aren’t in the shape of little footballs.

Don’t let the steroids fool you this Sunday – sometimes it really is the little things that count!

If last week was the awesomest that wedding planning had to offer, then I think I might go so far as to say that flower planning is just about the antithesis of cake planning, at least in my book. And it’s not that I didn’t have a good time, I guess it’s just that if I never have to spend another minute of my life shopping for flowers, I think I’ll still be ok. And my bride-to-be shant not even worry – I don’t mind the occasional bouquet either in celebration or because I did something stupid, but as far as planning floral arrangements on an event level, just pick whatever you think looks best because I’m done…

For all of you florists out there in the audience, it probably hurts a little to hear this, but I’m sure it’s something that you kind of already know – you’re job just really isn’t all that interesting! I mean, I guess it works ok for you, but are you the kind of person who rushes home after work to watch the Oprah that you recorded that afternoon over a Lean Cuisine microwave dinner and a glass of iced tea? I thought so, but there’s really no need to feel ashamed or anything – at least not about the iced tea – for without you, there’d be nobody to remind the rest of us how interesting our lives are! It’s just the circle of life, or the circle of boredom, so to speak. Nothing personal.

Anyways, we dedicated a good bit of time last week to searching out floral arrangements to be worn or carried or made into hats or something for our wedding. I don’t know – I honestly wasn’t really paying attention after the first seven hours of rosy fun, but from what I understand, the crown of sunflowers and daffodils that I’m to wear during the ceremony is going to look very nice! I didn’t ask if they’re also going to get me the matching corncob scepter to go along with the crown, but knowing how color-coordinated everything else has to be with this thing, it certainly wouldn’t surprise me to be waving my sceptre of corn into the air, fending off seagulls as my beautiful bride walks down that aisle with her buckwheat bouquet! You know what they say – you only get to look like a complete fool at your own wedding once…

Any instances after that are just sad.

Maybe if they just weren’t so expensive, I wouldn’t mind the fact that I couldn’t really care less about them, but like everything else that we’ve signed official contract-y things for throughout the planning process, apparently it just doesn’t truly depict our undying love for one another unless we limp away from the table wondering, “How many more kidneys are we going to have to sell to pay for all of this?!” Which, at least as far as the flowers were concerned, is kind of a shame because in between the actual flower shops that we visited, we also passed some very nice cemeteries that even from the road looked rather promising! They were all pretty large, so they should have a great variety and really no problems coordinating with the rest of our theme, and they were even right on the way from our house to the hotel, so it would be no trouble at all to simply stop off on our way over and grab bouquets for the bride and her bridesmaids, a few single flowers to turn into boutonnières for the guys – who knows, maybe even my royal scepter!

But alas, just like my idea to hire a one-man-band didn’t fly for the evening’s entertainment, my great, cost-saving cemetery floral plan got overruled in favor of one of those “actual” (read “boring”) florists. So we’ll see how it goes – Tales from the Crypt bouquets or not, they’re still just boring flowers, so if anybody needs me, I’ll be pouting over by the cake…

It’s State Fair time here in Florida!

Yes, you can tell by the rickety, glowing carnival rides barely standing upright on the horizon, the rapid spike in sales of antacids at surrounding convenience stores, and the ever-lingering stench that only the equivalent of roughly eight million farm animals with digestive problems could strive to produce, that everybody’s favorite deep-fried festival is back in town for a slothy two weeks of the kind of fun that only a cow eating a corndog on a rollercoaster could ever truly appreciate. But of course, for $35 admission and ride tickets plus as much cash as you’re willing to spend on your deep-fried meals, you’re more than welcome to try!

It’s almost hard to believe that they wouldn’t want to hire me for a PR position, isn’t it?!

I’ve got to admit that I’m not really the biggest fan of state fairs in general, as I tend to see them more as what the Magic Kingdom might look like if Disney were to abandon the park and allow it to be overrun by vagrants than a destination for family fun and good times. There’s just something about being crammed into a steel cage and spun around in a circle at 40 mph by a guy with only three teeth and a half-empty bottle of Southern Comfort that just isn’t exactly along the lines of what I would call recreational, at least as much as I likewise wouldn’t consider having my appendix removed or getting four simultaneous root canals to be a good time that I’d look forward to again year after mind-numbingly-painful year. And it’s not that I can’t appreciate the thrills, chills, and more often than not biological spills that carnival rides have to offer, but…well, actually – yes, that’s exactly it. No matter how many people step off The Eviscerator smiling and laughing, their heads and limbs still basically intact, there simply isn’t enough alcohol this side of Las Vegas to make that a consensual act for yours truly.

But you’ve got to hand it to those ingenious fair organizers, even despite their whimsical deathtraps and colorful brain slingshots, because even if you find yourself like me, ravishingly handsome and charismatic and funny as hell, and yet still embarrassingly afraid of heights, drops, and all things destined to revert one’s insides promptly to the out position, they’ve managed to offer another way to decimate yourself without your ever even leaving the ground … and I don’t even mean by getting trampled in a rampant cow stampede! The answer, my fat-bellied friends, lies beneath several gallons of boiling hot oil…

If there’s one lesson to be learned from the State Fair, besides the importance of washing one’s hands after leaving the restroom, that is, is that given enough batter and disregard for the human figure, you can deep fry just about anything, which is great for anyone who has either already given up their New Years resolution to lose weight or even is just waiting for that last sugary confection to finally push them over the top and thus bring them back down to Earth here with all the rest of us quitters! Twinkies, Oreos, candy bars, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, even corndogs … which I suppose is kind of redundant when they’re already covered in a layer of fried dough, but then again is there even such a thing as too much fried dough?! Points in case – deep-fried Pepsi, elephant ears, funnel cakes – they’re not even bothering to put anything in the batter anymore!

And we wonder where the term fat Americans comes from…

Still, whether it be for curiosities sake or simply a desire for heart attacks, once you step foot inside those hay-covered gates, there’s really nothing you can do to resist the urge to fry it up, even if only a little. And I guess as long as you’re not one of those professional deep-frying aficionados who also deep-frys food stuffs unknown in the privacy of your own home, what’s one little super-caloric Oreo going to do to you that three or four hundred laps around the track can’t work off?! I’m pretty sure the human body is built with extra arteries for just this sort of thing anyways, so embrace those deep-fried delicacies for all that they’re worth – besides, even at 3,000 calories and 28 million grams of fat per deep-fried Milky Way bar, it’s still gotta be safer than taking a whirl on The Paralyzer…

I tell ya – something funny’s going on around here…

I’m not exactly sure what it is…maybe it’s something in the water, or maybe they’re all just crazy with the love, but it seems to me like everyone around this place is having babies left and right these days! In fact, by my earnest calculations, it certainly seems like the months of July and August last year featured many a good time for these couples that surround me on a daily basis…so where was I – reading the newspaper?!

Then again, maybe that’s a good thing.

When it all comes down to it, I for one am certainly not ready for kids other than the occasional encounter at Disney World, so I suppose in the grand scheme of things, if somebody’s gotta be having all of these children right now, by all means let it be everybody else! Although I may love the deed, this writer certainly ain’t ready to breed…but instead of continuing this Seuss-ical game until one of you flogs yourselves out of your own misery with a nearby rattle or pacifier, I thought that I’d reiterate my current position on the market via the widely-popular Top Seven list below!

Top Seven Reasons Why Scott Clearly Isn’t Ready for Children…
7. Fighting over who gets to play with the Starfleet Commander next is an entirely different issue when they’re actually fighting with Dad, and because I’m bigger, I think we already know who’s going to win…
6. It’s hard enough getting me to take my own dishes to the sink on a regular basis…let alone someone else’s!
5. Baby vomit goes with little to none of the items currently found in my wardrobe.
4. According to the latest TV Parental Guidelines, most of the “cartoons” that I tend to watch in the evenings aren’t exactly “kid-friendly” anyways… (“Hehehe – I said doody, but there’s no time to laugh about it now!”)
3. When consulting my 8^th grade Home Economics teacher, you might learn that my “flour baby” ended up being more along the lines of a “paste baby”…not sure if that’s something that we should be concerned about here, but I just wanted to bring all of my cards to the table…
2. My car’s only a two-seater.
1. How often are you supposed to feed those things, anyways???

And there you have it, folks – truly more than enough good reasons why we really don’t need any little Scotts running around at this particular moment in time, pulling on your dog’s tail in the park and hacking into your unsecured wi-fi network several hours past their bedtimes! While it’s not to say that we might not necessarily revisited this list from time to time…you know, just to see if the numbers happen to drop or something…but but for the time being, if I can do my part to prevent a few less temper-tantrums in the mall between the areas of the toy store and the candy store, then I think such actions are really for the common good! Really, come to think of it, maybe you should be thanking me…

Just don’t forget – I always accept donations of any size, and if you’re looking for suggestions, there’s a wish list on my website for Toys ‘R Us!

It’s that time again folks – the one that we love and hate the most, where the jingling bells can put a smile on your face one day and drive you to your wits end in the grocery store the next. During pretty much the happiest season of the year, it should come as no surprise that more people are driven to the funny farm during the winter holidays than any other time of year – between shopping for presents, decorating inside and out, all of that baking, and of course, the mother of them all…those lovely family gatherings that we talked about just last week, I’m honestly impressed that as many of us have managed to make it through as it is…

But never fear, for I’m here to lend my assistance with a collection of ideas to help you not go insane this Christmas! Note that I said “ideas” instead of “tips” because they technically have yet to be thoroughly tested in a controlled environment, but regardless, even if we can’t prevent the inevitable, we should at least be able to have a good time along the way, right! If we’re gonna go crazy, then we might as well all go crazy together, and I’m just the man to lead the pack…wait a minute, that’s not our goal at all – who said that?! Oh boy, this is going to be an interesting holiday!

So where do we start? Well, if you’re anything like me, one of the most stressful parts of this whole Christmas-thing is the fact that you’re pretty much obligated to come up with all sorts of gifts for damn near everyone you’ve ever met, and don’t be surprised if you’re approached by a few strangers expecting a handout or two as well! Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I have a problem spending the money on other people or anything, but the problem lies in the concept that everyone else is doing the exact same thing at the exact same time, and we all know just how good I am at dealing with crowds! It was only a few years ago that I nearly killed someone over a Tickle Me Elmo doll this time of year…that old lady just pushed all the wrong buttons on that particular Sunday afternoon…

…and that’s why I’ve devised an enormously simple system for purchasing my own gifts during the holidays and it goes a little something like this: if I can’t get away with just baking them something, they’re getting a singing fish. It’s a widely-known fact that I absolutely adore Big Mouth Billy Bass, as well as all of the knock-offs (…a singing lobster – genius!), so rather than fighting the crowds and psycho shoppers at the mall just to get everyone on my list something that they’ll likely return anyways, I just order a couple of cases of my favorite serenading bottom-dweller and direct my attention on to bigger and better things! Even one up on that, in the minute chance that the recipients don’t love their gifts as much as I do, they usually just end up giving them away or pitching them altogether, thus presenting me with the wonderful opportunity of being able to share the gift of singing fish again with them next year as well. It’s the gift that keeps on giving, really!

But gift giving isn’t the only thing that makes us want to fling our festive bodies in front of the nearest sleigh during this jolly time of year, for it comes as no surprise that decorating can also pose quite the threat to the sanity of those like you and I. Fortunately due to the fact that I’m already nearing my word count for this column, I’m going to keep this idea brief and just go with the whole “less is more” concept. Herein, you’ve got a tree here, some lights outside, maybe wreathes on a door or two, but unless you’re really into the whole interior design thing, just let it be and move on to bigger and better things…

Like baking!!! I’ll be the first to admit that nothing really gets that holiday spirit a churning like the smell of fresh Christmas cookies and the strongest eggnog known to man…but the problem in this department is that basically people tend to take on more than they can chew (pun only partially intended). You ever wonder why the old lady seems to go bonkers about the time when you ask when dinner’s going to be ready about the second or third week into December? It’s typically because she’s spent so much time preparing food for school and the family and co-workers and the elderly shut-ins from down the street that her original task of keeping food on the table for you is getting pushed to the side…don’t let this happen! Luckily, we can easily cure this problem simply by cutting down on the sheer amount of baking that needs to be done – if you’d prefer not to go the easiest route and purchase these foods yourself, go an alternate route and plan on giving away stuff that you actually do know how to cook. The kids can take Rice Krispy treats into school just as easily as they can take cookies, while it doesn’t really even matter what you opt to prepare for each of you to take into work – chances are you don’t really like any of those people anyways! The important thing to remember is that you’re trying to lighten her workload so that she can get back to cooking for you.

And finally, as for dealing with family get-togethers, I’m sorry but I just don’t have anything to tell you that I haven’t already gone over recently! Just do your best to keep a level head, take an extra dosage of Valium just before everyone starts showing up, and you should be just fine. For a complete overview of enjoying the holiday experience and all that it’s worth, however, I should be so bold enough to point you in the direction of my all-time favorite concoction from last year, So You Want to Have a Merry Christmas, which pretty much covers absolutely everything that needs to be covered for you to have a truly perfect Christmas – there’s a money-back guarantee and everything!

If that doesn’t help you, then I don’t know what will, but just bear with me and in a few weeks, this will all be well behind us and we’ll be able to get back to those very special booger jokes that we all love so dearly. We’ll get through this together, I promise!