Noisemakers – check.

Goofy-looking sunglasses shaped like 2011 – check.

Ready to take on a fresh set of challenges in the new year after having successfully completed all of your resolutions for 2010 – uh oh…

Did you even work on any of them at all???

Ok – don’t panic … this is still possible.  If there’s one thing that last week’s column about putting off your Christmas shopping until the absolute last possible minute taught us, aside from the fact that Mickey Mouse is awesome, of course, is that there’s always hope as long as there’s still time left on the clock and being that today is New Year’s Eve, there’s certainly no shortage of clocks as we prepare to countdown the last remaining moments of 2010 and make way for an even more spectacular 2011!

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here – you’ve got a lot to do if you’re going to knock out an entire year’s worth of New Year’s resolutions in a single day!  Fortunately your friendly, neighborhood humor columnist has come to the rescue, though, and I’ve done my part by putting together a little list of some of the most common resolutions, along with my own surefire method for completing each one as quickly as humanly possible.  Now don’t get me wrong – there are a couple of them where you might find yourself having to compromise a little for the sake of being super-ultra-lazy here in the 11^th hour, but let’s face it, at this point even phoning a few of your resolutions in is still better than just completely ignoring them altogether…

Besides, when that shiny ball drops at the stroke of twelve and you can actually say that you did something with your life in the year 2010, you’ll thank me!  So without further ado for the sake of time – I present to you, the list…

Lose Some Weight
Diet and exercise didn’t work because, well, you actually need to do them in order to see the best results, but lucky for you there’s still another way – 24-Hour Liposuction! If you leave now, they can probably still get you in and out in time to catch the festivities … just remember to bring cash because, well, let’s just say that the 24-hour liposuction industry is one that runs on cash…

Quit Smoking
This one’s easy – smoking is gross, so knock it off already! Seriously, just round up all of the packs of those cancer death sticks that you’ve got stashed around the house, pitch ‘em in the trash, and then go ring in the new year with enough alcohol to sedate a small racing horse like all of us healthy people do…

Spend Less Money
Another simple one – when you go to do the one above, just be a girl so that somebody else will buy all of your drinks for you.  Easy-peasy!

Meet the Love of Your Life
Unless the love of your life happens to be a bartender or a “doctor” who performs 24-hour liposuctions, this might be one where you’ll want to consider lowering your standards just a bit.  How about instead meeting The Like of Your Life or maybe The Love of Your Night??? Let’s be honest – you were really just looking to get laid a little more often when you set this one last year anyways…

Get a Better Job
Really, I think everyone knows that you can’t find a better job until you’ve managed to escape all of the stress and chaos from your current job, so why put it off another day?!  A simple call from the bar with a hundred of your drunkest best friends to back you up should do the trick, and just think about how much more free time you’ll have to hunt for that dream job once you’ve had a chance to sober up tomorrow morning!

Generally Just Be a Better Person
Well, you’re reading this column, so needless to say you’ve already got an impeccable sense of humor going for you, and you’ve no doubt bought the book to match, so style and class shouldn’t be a problem, either.  I don’t know – maybe help an old cougar cross the street on the way to the club tonight, hold a few doors for the ladies, tip higher than you normally do, and that should be good enough, shouldn’t it?  I mean, “better” is a relative term, you know…

May 2011 bring you new rewards, redemptions, and if you’ve learned anything at all from today’s little whirlwind of a rat race, some new resolutions that will be just a tad bit easier to actually meet next year!

Happy New Year!!!

Show of hands – how many people still haven’t finished their Christmas shopping yet?

I mean, it is Christmas Eve … you know?! The clock’s a-ticking…

Then again, I suppose I don’t really have much room to talk – I did just finish my own shopping yesterday! Granted, it was a personal best for me this year, but I haven’t always been such an attentive holiday shopper, that’s for sure.  To say that I’ve been known to procrastinate from time to time is probably a bit of an understatement … in fact, there was even this one year when – believe it or not – I actually put off my Christmas shopping until only hours before the stroke of midnight on a day much like today!

The year was 2006.

In fact, it was the first year that I’d spend Christmas together with the girl who would eventually become my wife.  In hindsight, you’d think that might’ve been a tad more motivated to actually get all of my amazing presents under the tree in a more timely manner, but as they say, lazy habits die hard…

I don’t remember the exact distraction at the time – maybe I was a bit pre-occupied by the latest video game to grace my Playstation 2, or maybe I was just too busy watching episodes of The Office back in the day when the show was actually funny to want to leave the comforts of my own home and venture out into the general craziness that is the world of holiday shopping.  I mean, for what it’s worth, I don’t exactly blame myself for that – shopping during this time of year most certainly is crazy, from the insane crowds at the mall to the even more insane crowds outside in the parking lot when they get behind the wheel … you can see from the look in their eyes that they’ll stop at nothing – actual stop signs included! – to get to that next sale while the Zhu Zhu Pets are still hot!

If you ask me, you’d have to be crazy not to want to avoid all of that candy cane-induced chaos as long as humanly possible, but of course, as Christmas does unfortunately come but once a year, eventually there comes a time when a guy has to suck it up and get with the spirit of the season if he wants to avoid re-gifting old magazines and canned corn to the girl that he’s actually hoping will stick around at least through the foreseeable future.

For me, that time came right around 6:30pm the night of Christmas Eve.

And as you might expect, this is where our story gets interesting because as most retail workers will profess joyously in relief, 6:30pm on Christmas Eve is the time when the vast majority of stores have finally called it good and closed up shop until after Christmas, leaving an increasingly dwindling number of options for stragglers like myself as the evening progresses!  Aside from 7/11 and maybe ABC Liquor, neither of which was going to be particularly great for my relationship anyways, my options were hovering weakly between slim and none, and at this point it was going to take some quick thinking to get myself out of this Christmas Eve kerfuffle…

Like Mrs. Claus preparing breakfast for a hungry group of elves, I was going to have to scramble!

Fortunately, living here in Central Florida as I tend to gloat about to my frigid brethren of the north from time to time, I did have one alternative resource at my disposal which was admittedly a bit unorthodox, however as desperate times call for desperate measures, it was with panicking haste that I grabbed my shopping list and pointed the car towards the one place in Florida that was guaranteed to still be open for business at 6:30pm on Christmas Eve … Disney World.

Now of course, this wasn’t the first time that Mickey Mouse managed to come to my rescue, and considering that the following spring I would return to propose to that very same girlfriend with the help of a few of his friends, it certainly wouldn’t be the last, either … I suppose in retrospect it just makes sense that of the few places left for last-minute Christmas shopping, the most popular tourist destination in the country would still be alive and kicking in the final hours before Christmas itself…

And kickin’, it most certainly was! Whereas stores elsewhere were locked up tight and their parking lots had been long since deserted, the streets of Downtown Disney were bright and bustling with tourists partaking in all of the festivities that celebrating the holidays at Disney has to offer, from live music and dancing in the streets to snacking on all sorts of holiday treats to even some last-minute photo opportunities with the big S.Claus himself.  Granted, I had my own last-minute activities to partake in, so sidestepping all of the other merry fun as best I could, I slipped in and out of the massive crowds like a shadow in the brightly illuminated night, a man on a mission to save Christmas!

Some Mickey Mouse socks, a Pirates of the Caribbean beach towel, an Eeyore mug that depicted the tragedy of mornings without coffee – if my girlfriend hadn’t already been tested to see just exactly how much Disney she could tolerate in her life, Christmas morning was going to be it!  Well, actually it was surprisingly easy to find a variety of gifts that weren’t entirely Disney-related during my 11^th hour shopping quest, and by the time the clock struck midnight and even the Disney shops were getting ready to send patrons back to their hotels for the night, I was back in my car with a trunk load of goodies racing home to get them all wrapped and under the tree before my night-shift-working lady friend would return home in only a few hours.

It was indeed a race against the clock until the very end, but when morning came and all of those last-minute presents were ripped open just as happily as any, I knew that my holiday cheer had persevered once again.

Good, old-fashioned lazy holiday cheer…

Almost makes you want to put all of those gifts that you already bought off to the side and start all over again today, just for fun, doesn’t it?!  Well, no – that would be crazy, but for those few souls left in the crowd who might still be struggling to fulfill a last few items on wish lists big and small, know that there’s still time as long as you’ve still got plenty of holiday cheer to help push you through … and of course, at this point a bit of pixie dust certainly wouldn’t hurt, either!

Do you think that turkeys celebrate holidays?

Well, obviously they probably wouldn’t celebrate this one, or at least the vast majority of them wouldn’t, anyways.  Maybe that one who’s lucky enough to get pardoned by the President might, but I’ve got to imagine that all of the other turkeys would just be more jealous and resentful about the honor than anything else … I mean, it’s kind of tough to be happy for your buddy who’s getting a free trip to Disneyland when your own next stop is between the mashed potatoes and gravy on a random dinner table far, far away from the likes of Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck!

Still, it makes me wonder if maybe on one of those other 364 days not specifically earmarked for their race getting eaten alongside Grandma’s old-fashioned cranberry sauce and five different kinds of pie, maybe turkeys have a day when they like to get together themselves to overindulge on grasses and grains and small bugs and all sorts of other things that Wikipedia just told me that wild turkeys eat!  For all we know, they might go to great lengths to get the entire flock together under one tree branch just like us people do, even though they just know that at some point during the day Uncle Larry is going to throw one of his tantrums and storm out into the open field when his brothers start to push his buttons about that wasted degree in Socio-Economics that he never uses…

As the old saying goes – “Birds of a feather … can’t stand to be together!”

Now I try not to psychoanalyze everything that I eat, but let’s face it, football is really boring and when the only other thing to do is sit around and eat all day, it was really bound to come to this eventually.  I mean, at least I’m not trying to explore the inner mind of the mashed potatoes or the green bean casserole – that would just be crazy, and besides, we all know that vegetables are traditionally the dumbest foods around the dinner table, anyways.  There’s a reason why people who just lie around the house watching TV all day are referred to as vegetables, as opposed to dinner rolls or even that weird, green jello salad thing that only the adults eat!

No matter what pseudo-intellectual angle you try to put on it in a vain attempt to pass the time, though, I think one truth rings unmistakably clear – today is simply a rough day to be a turkey … especially one that tastes exceptionally sweet … and juicy … and practically melts in your mouth with a delectable honey-glaze that totally makes it well worth $10.38/lb at your local HoneyBaked Ham store ($4 off with coupon).

While it may be a day of thanks and celebration for the rest of us as we pile on the fixin’s and loosen our belts for one more gluttonous piece of sweet potato pie, just remember one thing – if you had been born a turkey, you could totally be riding the Matterhorn at Disneyland right now instead of listening to Uncle Larry drone on about the worst decline of the Gross Domestic Product since 1982…

Happy Thanksgiving!

I mean, not to rub it in or anything, but you understand that of all things worth getting excited about, going on vacation to The Happiest Place on Earth oughta be right up there near the top of the list!  Sure, maybe Mickey might still get trumped by touring the pyramids of Giza or perhaps even going into space, but hey, we’ve still got to leave something for next year’s celebration, right?!

You see, this particular trip is something that my wife and I are doing for our wedding anniversary this year – in fact, up until not long ago it was actually a secret because she was planning the whole thing as a surprise.  It’s a little tradition that we came up with shortly after getting married – swapping back and forth who plans the festivities – because that way at least only one of us has to worry about stressing out over remembering our anniversary in a given year!  Last year for my turn we went to go see those ridiculously flexible folks in Cirque du Soleil, which was actually pretty incredible to watch, although admittedly it did make for some unrealistic expectations later on that evening, if you know what I’m saying…

Of course, I already have no doubt in my mind that Disneyland is going to just be absolutely amazing – a chance to visit the original theme park that Walt Disney created after thinking, “parents and children need a place where they can have fun together … by being serenaded by animatronic pirates, eating curiously-oversized turkey legs, and buying t-shirts with my characters on them for $29.95 a piece, plus any applicable state and local taxes.” The man was a visionary, to say the very least, and the fact that I get to celebrate the marvelous miracle that is my own marriage by walking in those same footsteps and buying those same overpriced t-shirts truly is a magical thing, that’s for sure!

But in all seriousness, I think what I’m looking forward to the most is actually comparing the original Disneyland to Florida’s own Disney World, just to see what things carried over from one resort to the other and how different these two places of pure imagination really are!  I think anyone who knows me and has had to sit through the slideshows, or the home videos, or the fully-costumed parade re-enactments knows that I’m a huge fan of Walt Disney World in the most addicted sense of the wonderful word, so I think it’ll be interesting to see what kinds of things big and small have changed from one coast to the other.

You know, things like…

• Will Mickey Mouse greet everyone with a Californian Surfer accent?  (“Like, have a totally magical day, dudes!”)
• Does their version of the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror utilize a much gentler “float to the ground” technology that will be less likely to make me “scream like a little girl” than its Hollywood Studios counterpart?
• What time will their three o’clock parade start?
• Will any of the candy stores around Disneyland carry those cool, new kind of Mickey-shaped chocolate truffles that will magically make a guy lose weight if he tends to splurge a lot on candy and sweets while he’s on vacation?
• Is there any chance that the original version of It’s a Small World… has a different soundtrack that makes it slightly more tolerable to actually sit through without making you want to bail out mid-ride?  (Hey, a guy can dream…)

And of course, the ultimate question – just like at Walt Disney World, will I find myself as completely satisfied in every possible way from the moment we pass through those magical gates right up until the slightly less magical moment when we get our bill at checkout time and are reminded just how much all of this pixie dust actually costs???

It’s like a whole new world for us to explore – kind of like Walt did when he … came here to get a fresh start when he ran out of land out in California…

To Disneyland, and beyond!

Can a brother spare a gallon? A cup? Maybe even just a tablespoon?! Because frankly, my lawn will take just about anything you can give it at this point!

I don’t know if the rest of the universe has heard, or even if you guys care for that matter, but here in Florida we’re experiencing a bit of a water shortage right now … which I know is more than a little ironic, seeing as how the Sunshine State is surrounded on three sides by water and our main tourist attraction outside of Mickey Mouse Land is the freaking beach, but alas, it seems that there’s not much that we can do with such copious amounts of salt water other than frolic around in a carefree manner in its presence, and although that actually sounds pretty good right about now, no quantity of wet and wild, bikini-clad ladies is going to help make my grass turn green again.

…sorry, ladies…

So needless to say, we’re in just a little bit of a panic down here, or at least our fearless leaders are as they attempt to conserve water by any means necessary. Of course, watering lawns and washing cars were obviously the first to go, along with turning off those cool, ornamental fountains that gurgle water so prestigiously on promenades throughout the city. We’ve even heard hair-brained ideas as bad as attempting to restrict restaurants from openly handing out glasses of ice water to patrons unless they specifically request it, and even then I think it’s only supposed to be considered “on loan.”

Don’t ask how the whole “return policy” works … let’s just say that people start to get a little desperate when the swimming pools runneth dry around these parts!

I guess the funniest part of the whole situation is that while here in April, we’re clamoring for water like our frozen Margaritas depend on it and the fate of the backyard barbecue as we know it is at stake, check back with us in about a month and a half when we’re entering into the “stupid rainy season” where everyday is a banner day for the umbrella salesmen of the Sunshine State and no doubt we’ll be singing a very different tune. You know, when “What do you mean I can’t even wash my car?!” becomes “Ahhh, screw it – let the rain take care of it…” and errands that don’t get ran by 3:00pm are gonna have to wait until later for fear of melting … but hey, it still beats getting blown away by a hurricane…

Of course, in the meantime until that liquid gold begins thundering down from the heavens with a vengence once again, life here in the Sunshine State of Florida … the floppy-hat-wearing tourism capital of the world, home to former heavyweight champion Hollywood Hulk Hogan, and the proud host of 14 Olive Garden restaurants (featuring the never-ending pasta bowl), is going to be a little different from that carefree, aquatic-loving lifestyle to which we’ve become accustomed. We’re all going to have to make some sacrifices along the way, whether it be by learning to enjoy wading in the family pool as opposed to actually swimming in it, by sneaking into the bathroom and turning off the faucet while other people are brushing their teeth (just in case they didn’t learn that conservatory gem back in kindergarten), or even by simply ordering that next fruity, umbrella-laden drink without ice – remember, every little bit helps!

I, for one, have been doing my best to help do my part my by continuing to be too lazy to care about washing my car until this dry spell is over. Mind you, I tried going even above and beyond to call of duty by also being too lazy to care about doing the dishes, the laundry, and pretty much anything else that required getting up from my comfy location smack dab in the middle of the couch, but in retrospect that ended up just creating a whole new mess of problems to boot…

But never fear, my fellow Floridians, for we will drudge through this depressing drought, we will come together as a state and rebuild our region’s water reserves, and with the hard work and dedicated conservation efforts of each and every one of us, eventually we will all be able to shower again some day!

What’s that, you say? It’s not that bad of a drought?!

Good to know…

The wedding did, in fact, end up turning out great! Everything went moderately close to how we had planned, we got to spend some well-deserved time hanging out with Mickey Mouse on our honeymoon, and the whole thing didn’t end up costing us $700 billion in the process! Close, but really, when it all comes down to it, who can put a price on Wall Street or the most important day of your life, anyways?

Now whether we end up paying off our loans before or after Wall Street’s beast of a bailout, that could still go either way, but at least we can say that we got a cool cake and some hot honeymoon sex out of ours…

So seriously, folks – what’d I miss?! I’ve been “fortunate” enough to have been sheltered from the rest of the world for the last two weeks by having nervous breakdowns inside of other nervous breakdowns encompassing everything from sand sculptures to bar tabs to last-minute vow writing, so assuming that the rest of the world didn’t just take a break while the Missus and I went and made it official, what’ve we got to catch up on? Anyone else get bailouts that I should know about? Did McCain go and invite a wild monkey to serve in the latest high-ranking position in his campaign? How many more, like, totally embarrassing things has Sarah Palin managed to blurt out about herself, the State of Alaska, and whatever it is she believes that the Vice President actually does this week?

Yeah, yeah – good point … no time to go through them all, but if the humor industry still serves us well, at least we can look forward to a 2009 Daily You Betcha! calendar to bring back those charming, old memories of an only mildly disturbing time in election history when we, the people, for a few brief months actually entertained the thought of electing a homeroom mother to the second highest office in all the land…

You know, the funny thing is that although technically I’ve been more or less off the grid for a good two or three weeks now, you’d think that here – especially smack dab in the middle of election season – there’d be all sorts of late-breaking news for yours truly to catch up on, requiring hours upon hours of slaving over newspapers and TiVO recommendations and the Interweb, but frankly, looking back it’s almost as if you all just up and went on our honeymoon with us. Which don’t get me wrong, is cool and all, although it’d have been nice if you’d given us a heads up in advance so that we could’ve all gotten together as a family for some late afternoon tea and crumpets or whatever, but still, aside from some plumber dude spouting his mouth off about how tough it will be to be a plumber under an Obama administration, despite the fact that he’s not actually a plumber even under the current administration, and of course a couple more hilarious Saturday Night Live clips of Tina Fey impersonating a moose or something, it’s really been pretty much all quiet on the western front…

And you know what? The more I think about it now, I guess in all actuality I really owe you all a big thank-you – a thank-you for dialing things back a bit over the last couple of weeks so that I would be able to enjoy my honeymoon without worrying about who said what about Maverickism or which Vice Presidential candidate was invited out by Vice President Cheney for a little informal passing of the buckshot bonding time. Instead I was able to just sit back, relax with my new wife, and cry myself to sleep at night wondering just how long it’s going to take us to pay off our beautiful, once-in-a-lifetime wedding, and I want you to know that deep down, I appreciate that.

What makes your house a home?

Is it the loving pictures of friends and family hanging on the wall? Or perhaps it’s your collection of antique vases that you and your husband have amassed from your travels throughout the Orient? Any chance it’s that ever-growing amassment of dolphin memorabilia that you’ve been building since you turned the ripe age of five and once mentioned in passing that you thought they were kinda neat?

If that latest example rings all too true, then maybe we should get together and compare notes…

You see, my fiancée Sara has a bit of an unhealthy obsession with dolphins, meaning that one time when she was little she may have mentioned to Santa Claus or some distant aunt that she likes dolphins and thus ever since, every single gift that she’s ever received … EVER … has been in some way, shape, or form been associated with dolphins. Puzzles, coasters, nightlights – if you can dream it, chances are she’s gotten one with a picture of a dolphin plastered on it some time in her life! And likewise, since we started living together about two years ago, our collective home has featured the likes of more dolphin-related paraphernalia than we’ve know what to do with – pictures on the walls, shower curtains, those coasters that I mentioned earlier.

Which is fine – I’ve got my own guilty pleasures, too, such as collecting more Disney memorabilia than anyone who doesn’t have kids should publicly possess to my own collection of antique vases from my travels throughout the Orient … all of which, oddly enough, have Mickey Mouse’s face on them! And really, all of this is fine with me – it’s this kind of stuff that does, in fact, make our home our own, and if we could just somehow find a picture of Mickey Mouse riding a dolphin, the merging of our collections would be complete!

So I guess it’s not so much the gifts that we’ve received from other people that have pushed me over the edge – in fact, you could probably even argue that it’s sort of something that I accidentally brought upon us myself. You see, I too bought into Sara’s passion for dolphins when we were first courting many moons ago and wanted to get her something really special that I knew she’d treasure for a long time. And so I stumbled upon a small collection of aquatic statues from The Bradford Exchange that featured a variety of dolphins swimming and frolicking and doing whatever else it is that dolphins do under the sea. They ended up turning out really cool when the first one showed up, so I ordered a few more and stuck them away to give to her all at once for Christmas later on that year.

Trouble is, said collection has since been long completed, but the mailings from The Bradford Exchange just keep on coming! I don’t know how they operate, but it seems that apparently I’m now on some sort of dolphin mailing list so that anything they can come up with to cast out of porcelain and paint a picture of Flipper on, I’m right there among the first to be solicited for their latest treasures. And it’s not only plates, like those hideous Elvis collector’s plates that you used to see advertised on TV before they decided that it was cheaper and easier to just make a bunch of mailing lists and market to genre-specific suckers like me! Think dolphin Christmas tree ornaments, dolphin wind chimes, dolphin special commemorative end tables – the possibilities, and likewise the amount of mailings that I receive from The Bradford Exchange, are endless.

If you can find it anywhere in the home, even if it’s on the knick-knack shelf or tucked away in a closet somewhere, just slap a dolphin on it and sent it to the dolphin mailing list – they’ll eat it up like the Easter ham!

It’s gotten to the point where if it weren’t for the next great birthday or Christmas gift that might show up in those fliers, I’d consider signing up with some sort of dolphin-memorabilia-buyers relocation program or something, but just my luck, the day I do manage to slip off The Bradford Exchange’s radar, out comes that limited edition, gold-embossed four plate set of Mickey and his friends swimming with the dolphins and frankly, I just can’t afford to take that chance!

What’s a dedicated boyfriend to do? If anybody has some ideas, I’ll be over sitting in the dolphin chair drinking a dolphin-tini out of a glass shaped like a, well, you get the idea…

You call me obsessed like it’s a bad thing…

But what can I say, I’ve lasted an exasperating six months since Apple released the Holy Grail of cell phones. Reading all of the forum threads and product reviews about how absolutely awesome the iPhone is compared to the piece of crap Samsung brick that I’m currently using from Sprint that can barely even be considered a “phone” at this point, practically drooling over those technologically sexy commercials as I play them over and over again on You Tube to the point where my fiancée is beginning to raise some concerns; making paper-mache replicas of this phone to end all phones while I’m supposed to be working, only to find out that paper-mache doesn’t hold up in the rain nearly as well as metal and plastic do … ok, so maybe I’m not quite to that last point yet, but I tell ya – we’re getting awfully close to that level of desperation! Something needs to be done soon before I’m reduced to a wanna-be Apple fan-boy zombie, wandering the streets at night mumbling, “This is your music, these are your pictures, and this is a call … on your iPhone!”

There must be hope, however, especially this time of year when miracles happen on even-numbered streets and wishes are granted with every swipe of a credit card, which is why I’ve decided to go straight to the top to finally see my iPhone craving fulfilled once and for all! No, not Steve Jobs … I asked Mickey Mouse to pass along my number to the boss man, but he hasn’t gotten back to me yet, so instead I’m turning to none other than Santa Claus to help make these dreams of touch screens and a phone that actually works a reality. This is the man who in the past has brought talking robots, action figures from The REAL Ghostbusters, and even the original Nintendo Entertainment System into my life, so rest assured that we’ve definitely got our best man on the case!

But there’s just one thing – I’ve got a feeling that the standard milk and cookies, even as delicious as my own personal baking and dairy offerings may be, might not quite be enough to bring the digital revolution into my home on Christmas Morn. You see, sure – Santa likes his snacks, but let’s not forget that he’s also a man of morals, with his list of naughty and nice. And while I can’t say for sure just exactly which end of that spectrum I personally fell in this year, I’m willing to come to the table with some bargaining chips for a better performance in 2008. In fact, I’ve got ten…

1. Pick up my toys without having to be asked … because twenty years later, I’ve finally come realize that Mom wasn’t kidding when she said that stepping on LEGOs hurts like the dickens!
2. Keep the lawn properly maintained … by writing a check to have the lawn guy stop by every couple of weeks. Trust me, I’m the last guy you want hoe hoe hoe’ing around your prized flower beds…
3. Make more of an effort to do laundry before I completely run out of clean underwear. Either that, or at least buy better blinds for those afternoons when every last undergarment is waist-deep in suds and I opt to pass the time by napping on the couch with a full view of the backyard! What a guy can’t even do in the privacy of his own home anymore…
4. Finish all of my vegetables – even the peas!
5. Ok, so maybe not the peas, or brussel sprouts or even spinach unless there are also copious amounts of cream cheese involved, but other than that, you can consider my plate thoroughly cleansed.
6. Have all of our Christmas decorations up a week earlier than we did this year. Hey, they kind of are a tribute to St. Nick, so I’d like to think that the guy would appreciate a gesture like that!
7. Don’t swear. Cut down on the swearing. Don’t swear in front of kids.
8. Do the dishes. Ha, like I could get my fiancée to do them!

· …not that my fiancée isn’t a very hardworking woman, mind you! In fact, I actually like doing the dishes just to help take some of the strain off of her hectic day … yeah, that’s the ticket! Have I told you lately that I love you, babe?!

9. Take out the garbage prior to our garage smelling like a horrible mix of old Chinese food and the remnants of a day at the circus. Who knew the place would take that long to air out?!
10. Leave out an extra large plate of those special cookies that Santa seems to love so much! No, actually I meant gingerbread cookies … I don’t know where your mind was going, but I think it’s time to lay off the Dave Chappelle movies for a while…

That’s all I’ve got, so wish me luck, handsome readers! My digital calling freedom depends on it, because I can’t take another moment of this crap service that I’m getting from Sprint, but that’s another column altogether…

Help me, Santa Claus – you’re my only hope.

That’s right, folks … no need to adjust your monitor / PDA / preferred reading medium of choice – you read that title correctly! It’s been a busy week – I’m successfully down one engagement ring and proportionately up one stunningly beautiful fiancée, and now that all of the necessary parents and brothers and sisters and best friends and other assorted family members have heard the news, it’s time to share this truly magnificent tale with the other half a million* most important people in my life … my readers!

* actual quantity of readers may vary, as based on current exchange rate…

Anyways, I wanted to share this story for two reasons: 1) I like to think that it’s a pretty important time in my life and having shared such other prime moments in my life as dental work and the plights of removing dead skin from the bottoms of my feet over the past few months, it just seemed like I owed you all something a bit more, eh, pleasant for a change! 2) No matter how much planning a guy puts into this (hopefully) once-in-a-lifetime moment, things will never go exactly according to plan … and it is funny … so why not do my part to help break the ice for any other folks out there who might also be preparing to propose and make sure a sense of humor is in their frame of mind for this oh-so-important night, too! Oh yeah, and also 3) I kinda figured that this would be the easiest way to knock out my regularly-scheduled weekly humor column a little early and thus clear the rest of my weekend to enjoy our post-engagement vacation over at Disney World to boot! I know, I know … it’s a bit selfish, but enough about me – let’s get things moving with this engagement story all about me already…

…and also my soon-to-be-fiancée…

…and of course, a very special guest appearance by Mickey Mouse. Now on with the show!

The day was Thursday – May 3^rd, in the year 2007 AD. I woke up both exhilarated and scared out of my mind, for in about fourteen hours I would be asking my girlfriend if she’d consider tolerating my hilarious ass until the end of time itself. And it’s funny because I already knew what her answer would be – in fact, a month or two prior she had pretty much picked out the ring herself – but I think engagements are just one of those things where even with all the preparations in the world, something’s wrong if you’re not at least a little bit nervous!

The only real benefit of said nervousness was that I didn’t really eat much at all that day, so at least with regards to my weight loss efforts, maybe I should get engaged more often!

Just kidding, Babe…

Anyways, I would soon find out that that very same nervousness would continue on to be the theme of the day, at a ratio of about 30% being nervous for the final moment itself, with the remaining 185% reserved for simply worrying about whether or not I’d actually be able to keep the whole thing a secret from her up until the final moment itself. And believe me, just when you think you’re over one thing, there’s always something else waiting on the sidelines to hop in and take over in the event that one’s stomach shows any signs whatsoever of returning to its original consistency. On this very special day, my nerves were in top physical condition, almost as if they’d been training for months to be able to keep me on edge for this day. I picture a little nerve weight room, filled with lots of other nerves – some just there because they want to look cool, but others genuinely concerned about improving themselves – and there, off in one corner, are my own nerves, training with a really hardcore coach like Mickey from the Rocky movies. And they’re running stairs, doing laps in the park with the Statue of Liberty in the distance, and … well, you get the idea…

By far, my biggest problem was one that I carried around with me in my pocket all day, and I do mean that literally on a number of different levels! You see, it seems that jewelers these days must get quite the hefty kickback from the company that makes those little, leather-covered boxes that they sell rings in, or maybe all of the sales people at the store have some sort of pool where they bet to see just how huge of a ring box they can pawn off on unsuspecting saps like me that walk through the door, but either way, I sure hope somebody made out on my misfortune because the entire day I carried around a ring box roughly the size of a three-story house in my shorts pocket, and just in case there was ever any doubt, houses aren’t exactly the easiest thing to “conceal!”

Side Note to Any Readers Who Happen to Be in the Little, Leather-Covered Ring Box-Making Business: it seems to me that there could be a considerable profit to be made from slim-line or low-profile ring boxes, at least when selling to customers who aren’t Andre the Giant. Just something to think about – it’s kind of tough for me to keep something secret all night when I’m required to pull it behind me in a large wagon.

But keeping the ring itself under wraps until just the right time wasn’t my only adversary that fateful Thursday evening, for little did I know that I’d also have to keep close tabs on even my own body language, as those uber nerves were working overtime to remind me that this was to be one of the most important days of my life and as such, I should rightfully be petrified throughout its entirety! And so I caught myself making comments about being engaged that, although we’d discussed at random in the past, had become a bit of a sore subject as of late as, how can I say it, my lady’s anxiousness had gotten to be a bit overbearing for me at times and she certainly didn’t expect for me to be bringing it up at the time. There was also the nerve-driven “shift her to the right”-move that I patented that day, as I proceeded to panic whenever she would find herself on my left, which just so happened to be the same side that I was attempting to hide the ring on! Whether she ever noticed anything out of the ordinary, I’ve yet to ask, however when it felt like I had a Buick in my pocket as she walked alongside me on my left, I would think that it would be hard not to feel something a little out of the ordinary! Nonetheless, apparently many a quirk were written off that day to my “just being weird,” which ultimately worked out ok with what was about to happen next…

So we had watched Illuminations: Reflections of Earth, the evening fireworks spectacular at Epcot, and although many a grand opportunity had passed during the show itself that I’d previously thought might be perfect for the proposal, as of 7:30 that morning I had developed a new plan and by golly, we were going to carry out that plan, nerves and all! As we approached the front of the park, I played out the scenario one last time in my head – I would suggest that we stop to get our picture taken in front of Spaceship Earth, then would ask the photographer to capture the proposal on film as I bent down on one knee (to ask my girlfriend to marry me, not to ask the photographer to take pictures, mind you…). And of course, in Murphy’s Law at its finest, my final obstacle presented itself – the photographer, who was normally there EVERY SINGLE NIGHT had already packed up and left for the evening!

But while panic on the inside is perfectly appropriate in this case, panic displayed to the world would’ve completely blown my cover, so while it took some quick thinking, I then remembered that hey, we’re at Disney World. Certainly at the Happiest Place on Earth I could find someone standing by to take a loving couple’s picture … and more … and that I did. Greatly lucking out, I happened to find a young and vibrant cast member who just about melted herself when I told her what I wanted to do, so now with my camera person officially in tow, I returned to my patiently waiting fiancée-to-be and got to work…

I smiled, and we posed for the picture.

Then I turned to her, and smiling a whole lot more, recited the words that I’d fumbled over in mind all day long:

A little over one year ago, we shared our second date here at Epcot and we had such a magical time, it seemed only fitting that it would be the perfect place for me to give you this…

[ring box comes out of the pocket, opens with me down on one knee]

…you would make me the happiest man at the Happiest Place on Earth if you would be my wife. Will you marry me?

And while tears poured down her face, with a smile that made every bout of nerves worthwhile, she said that single word that I’d been waiting to hear all day, “Yes!” The newly-engaged couple embraced, the crowd that had apparently gathered around us erupted with applause and shouts of congratulations, and one of the most helpful cast members I’ve ever met at Walt Disney World captured the whole thing on film for us.

So with a deep sigh of relief, ladies and gentlemen – that’s the story! We shared a little woe, we shared hopefully a few laughs, and even a bit of sentiment with that touching look into what I did last night … sure beats sitting around in your underwear, watching reruns of Friends, doesn’t it?! I hope you all enjoyed this interesting look into the mind of the soon-to-be-proposed man – guys, if you haven’t been there yet, be prepared, and for those who’ve already been, let us all express a resounding, “Whew!” in unison! And as for the ladies, we just hope that you truly appreciate what us guys go through while we’re preparing to ask the ultimate question because at the end of the day, even though you’ve been browsing bridal catalogs to help drop subtle hints for months doesn’t make it any easier when it’s time to carry that planet-sized ring box around in our pockets all day long! But we do it all for you, that’s for certain – what fun would life be without someone to share your jokes with?

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a fiancée who’s just begging for some hot tub, and I’m never one to let a girl, or a hot tub, down!

Ok, so I righteously confess – when it comes to entertainment, relaxation and all around having-a-good-time-ed-ness, I’m a Disney Freak (although we do prefer the term Savant when given the option). In fact, whereas I used to answer, “On my couch, watching TV…” when receiving the infamous, “Where you at?” call on my cell over the weekend, now instead callers are much more likely to hear, “We’re just getting ready to hop on Spaceship Earth” or “We’re watching the fireworks over Cinderella’s Castle – where are you?” or even once, I must admit, “Holy crap – we’re about to get eaten alive…I’m gonna have to call you back!”

For all of you fellow Disney Freaks out there, you know that ride…

But alas, just as in everywhere else that I go, I tend to notice things left and right that stand out to me – some because they’re funny in a good way, and some because they really stand to irritate me in a very, very bad way! My girlfriend tells me that I need to just let it go already and enjoy the happiest place on Earth as it is, but hey, if I can make a column out of it and whip a little moral / well-thought-out plea at my readers in the meantime, then I suppose that’s just as well. So take these words to heart and let them flourish, for within your dreams do all of the answers to your heart lie…

…I have no idea what that means, but regardless – on with the show!

• You’re never too old to get your picture taken with your favorite Disney characters, but remember, guys – just because she’s supposed to be “in character” doesn’t mean that it’s going to stop Snow White from smacking you up something fierce for those “wandering hands” of yours…
  • …but nonetheless, won’t that make for a memorable shot for the album?!
• Just remember – don’t think of it as “waiting in line;” instead try to consider it just “building the anticipation”…kind of like foreplay for the amusement park!
• If nothing else, the technological wonder that is Epcot has taught us that no vegetable is more hilarious than the turnip…the singing turnip, that is!
• Despite their clever ruse, wearing a Hawaiian shirt won’t automatically get you on stage at Disney-MGM Studio’s Indiana Jones Stunt Spectacular…believe me, I’ve tried!
• If I catch wind that you went to the Magic Kingdom and didn’t bring me anything from the Main Street Confectionary, please consider us to no longer be on speaking terms…
• No matter how much fun it looks, wearing your bathing suit so that you can play in the fountains with the kiddies will get you red-flagged by security every time…at least when you’re in your mid-40s, that is…
• It’s ok to experience a little education while you’re on vacation, a la the World Showcase at Epcot…besides, what better way to familiarize yourself with other cultures than by enjoying a frothy beverage the world around?!
• But if it’s peace and quiet you’re after, allow me to suggest Disney’s Animal Kingdom – rumor has it one day they might even build a theme park there…
• Pushing a stroller does not automatically grant you supreme power over the sidewalks and walkways – the same rules of common courtesy still apply…even if you’re getting grumpy because the baby has been crying ever since Mr. Toad’s “Wild” Ride and you just caught your fiancé staring at that girl’s chest.
• …and while we’re at it, how’s about understanding that the gift shops are crowded enough as it is…that’s why you see stroller parking all around these places! Don’t act so surprised when you get those dirty looks because you’re trying to push that four-wheel-drive, two-seater beast through an already packed toy store!
• Ok, one last thing and then I’ll lay off the strollers, I promise! Scenario goes as follows – we’re all leaving the park at the end of the day, huddled in a gigantic mass of varying moods, and you decide that it’ll speed up your own departure by simply leaving the stroller behind in the middle of the sidewalk (hey, it’s the park’s anyways, right?) and just carrying the baby out to the parking lot. Thanks to your quick thinking, most of us are left to walk around your discarded stroller because hey, have you ever made the mistake of touching somebody else’s stroller and getting caught by an over-defensive mother?! If I catch you doing it, I will say something…
• But who really wants to be in a bad mood at the end of a great day at Disney, anyways? Go grab yourself a $7 caramel/fudge/M&M/peanut-covered apple from the nearest candy store and enjoy it…it’s going to take roughly three days to get back to your car, so you’ve got plenty of time!

But seriously, folks – I’m not bitter…I just write that way…

(ten bonus points to anyone who identifies the reference before next week!)