Holidays can be kind of a funny situation for us writers.

On one hand, they probably seems almost like a vacation of sorts because it’s not exactly uncommon for people like me to just kind of sit back, put our feet up, and let the ideas come to us in whatever order the calendar dictates when these days make their appearances on the horizon! You know as well as I do that with Valentine’s Day coming up in less than two weeks, it won’t be long before all of those puff pieces about diamonds and chocolate and stuffed teddy bears depicting even your partner’s most mundane of interests will be popping up on every news program, paper, magazine, website, or neural implant that you use to consume your media content these days.

Heck, this column right here was almost going to be about Valentine’s Day, except that it still seemed a little early and I honestly just couldn’t come up with anything original to write about anyways…

Because that’s the thing – although the theme may be safely in the proverbial bag as we approach those predetermined days on the calendar, there’s still that pesky, little matter of actually having something new to say that you haven’t already said in a multitude of different ways over the last three consecutive years.  That’s sort of the writer’s conundrum that comes along with holidays – they never really change, and so after a while you start to realize that you can only remind guys so many ways why forgetting the biggest, most romantic day of the whole year might be somewhat critical to the overall longevity of any relationships they’re enjoying currently or even would like to see themselves enjoying in the future!

After a while if you’re not careful, you usually just end up repeating yourself, which most writers tend to want to avoid … if they have any self-respect, anyways.  I myself still have a little left – I keep it in a tiny bottle on my dresser and try to only use it sparingly, but I think there’s still a few drops left in there that I’m saving for a particularly righteous day…

Of course, some are better than others – Valentine’s Day, Labor Day, Flag Day are all kind of one-trick holidays, frankly, but we still have a few good ones to lean on throughout the year like Halloween and Christmas.  As long as women keep dressing like hookers and candy keeps being delicious, All Hallows’ Eve will always be a ripe source of material for me, and as for Christmas … why, I could probably write an entire book about nothing but hands down the awesomest time of the year, and in fact I most likely will do exactly that before too long here!

That last one might be a spoiler – do me a favor and just try to act surprised when you finally see the announcement, will ya?

That said, it may not happen often, but if the writer is so lucky and brilliant enough to find himself writing about writing about the holidays, in that case all bets are off and really, then just about everybody wins!  The reader gets to enjoy something a little different that still brushes on the holiday at hand without having to drudge through the same old, same old yet again, the writer gets to maintain the dwindling shards of his own dignity just a wee bit longer by not repeating his same, sad old jokes about Cupid and Singing Gorilla-Grams once more, and hey, that one guy who really was about to take his life into his own hands by forgetting a Valentine’s Day gift for his leading lady still gets a friendly nudge to keep him from having to learn how to go grocery shopping and pick out linens for himself all over again!

Seriously, dude – you’ve been dating for how many years now? She will kill you and the judge will consider it “an accident” if you don’t at least bring the woman home a box of wine and some flowers and maybe one of those singing fish that you mount to the wall or something.  Nothing gets the ladies in the mood quite like Big Mouth Billy Bass and his lesser-known Rivers of Romance 3-disc expansion pack!

You know what – maybe I do still have a little Valentine’s Day wisdom left in me to impart after all…

Let me count the ways…

• I love the way you let me browse the Internet.  Not that watered down, teensy-weensy “Mobile Web,” but the actual real Internet – the one with all of the stuff on it.
• I love the way you somehow manage to get better reception than my old POS phone ever did, even though you’re technically still on the same network and aren’t even supplementing with wi-fi or anything.
• I love the way you actually let me use the letters O, R, and D when I send text messages, as opposed to my stupid, old phone whose keys stuck like I had spilled pancake syrup on them.

…which I didn’t, just for the record…

The point is, my sweet, beautiful iPhone – I know that we haven’t known each other very long, but even after just the 3 days, 18 hours, and 37 minutes of pristine, digital bliss that we’ve been able to spend together so far, I can honestly say that I’ve never been happier with a handheld mobile device … and that even counts the original dot matrix Game Boy that I got for my birthday when I was nine years old!

I guess I just never really thought I’d be lucky enough to end up with such an amazing microcomputer like you.  I mean, Mom always taught me about how important it was to hold out for the right network and how good things come to those who wait, but the last couple of years certainly haven’t been easy, with your simple, yet refined elegance lingering just out of reach, unappreciated on a subpar network by a horde of fan boys who could never truly love you like I would.  It was all that I could do to sit on the sidelines and yearn for you from afar, lost and lonely here on America’s largest 3G network simply because you weren’t here with me…

Looking back, it’s almost hard to believe that here we are some four years later, finally getting the shot that I always dreamed of, despite all odds and contract negotiations and anti-Apple haters who said that it would never happen just because they’re all horribly bitter and cranky people.  And to think that last fall I almost gave up hope and considered settling for one of those inferior models – I shudder at the thought because so dramatically has my life changed even already with you in it, the idea of me with another mobile device frankly just seems utterly ridiculous!

Whether I’m checking my e-mail on the go or gawking at estimated wait times across the park at Walt Disney World, tweeting my latest brilliance while waiting for takeout, or even just making the most of my bathroom time with some birds that are most definitely angry, you’ve managed to make my life better at just about every turn and wouldn’t you know it – on top of all that, I can even make phone calls, too?!

Which mobile device makes this writer feel like he’s falling in love with the digital age all over again???

Droid doesn’t.

We can be romantic around here.  You bet your sweet Cheez-Its, we can be romantic around here!

I know, I know – previous columns regarding such regal topics as phlegm and robots and my own mysteries from beyond the sock drawer might very well lead one to believe that we’re a little less refined here at Comedic-Genius Media than some of your more contemporary literary establishments, but don’t let my overwhelming coverage of all things pepperoni-related fool you … when the time is right, we can be as sensitive as a weatherman who’s just realized that his entire career is based on a series of random shots in the dark highlighted by the seldom, but occasional lucky guess…

…sorry, guys – I just think that your job is a ridiculous waste of time and that similar services could just as easily be provided by a chimp with a drinking problem and a dart board … no offense!

Anyways, the thing is, there are plenty of other writers out there who take this time around Valentine’s Day to gush on and on about romance in the traditional sense – you know, the whole candlelit dinner / evening at the opera / poetry by the fireplace-shtick … which is all well and good if you’re that kind of fancy pants, but let’s face it – if you’re here reading The Humor Column on a regular basis, you’re probably not. You’re more of a burger at Margaritaville, followed by a comedy show downtown-kind of folks, and that’s ok because you know what they say, even a bad night at the comedy club is better than the best night at the opera!

My point is that simply put, there are many different perspectives to the subject of love and they don’t all have to be highbrow, platinum card-level tributes that involve sitting through hours of fat ladies singing and will no doubt take many weeks of tedious overtime to pay off.  For the rest of us, that crazy, little thing called love can be a whole lot simpler, so in the nonetheless true holiday sense, I thought it seemed only fitting that we’d take a few minutes here to highlight some of those examples as well.

That’s right – it’s time for The Humor Column to get a little romantic … in its own kind of way, that is … so without further a due, let us dim the lights, pour a glass of wine – the fuller, the better – and take just a few moments to partake in a bit of romance for the rest of us. Let me know if any of these hit home for you…

• Love is tolerating the smell of peanut butter every now and then because your husband loves the stuff, even though you can’t stand it because your siblings traumatized you with it growing up.
• Love is going to see a romantic comedy that you really have no interest in seeing because last week you both went to see the action flick that she really had no interest in seeing.
• Love is visiting the same mediocre Chinese place week after week because their kung pao chicken is your boyfriend’s favorite.
• Love is staying up until three o’clock in the morning and making someone laugh until their sides hurt because they had a really bad day at work.
• Love is holding off on the chit-chat until after she’s done watching Glee or America’s Next Top Model or whatever that one is called that stars a much older, pregnant Molly Ringwald.
• Love is refraining from kicking your girlfriend’s obnoxious, little runt dog no matter how many times it poops in your tennis shoes.
• Love is remembering what kind of ultra-moisturizing, lavender-scented body wash your wife uses, despite getting lost in an endless sea of deep-cleansing options every time you walk down that aisle at the store.
• Love is getting up at five o’clock in the morning to wait in line for tickets to see your girlfriend’s favorite band.
• Love is knowing the difference between Blu-Ray and regular DVDs … or at least knowing that it’s important to buy him the Blu-Ray version when it’s available.
• Love is spending Valentine’s Day playing miniature golf or driving go-carts or having dinner at Chuck E. Cheese’s and both of you having an absolute blast, despite not even coming close to buying into the traditional Valentine’s Day stereotype.

A very, merry Valentine’s Day to all of the lovers and dreamers out there – may we all remember that above everything else, the key to a lasting relationship is in sharing a great sense of humor.

Of course, there’s also obviously something to be said for being really good in the sack, too, but that sort of goes without saying…

So many pink and red stuffed animals, so much chocolate…

…and yet yours truly is having an awfully hard time scrounging up the desire to dive into that heart-shaped debocle this year. I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve already got enough on my plate between shopping for replacement garbage can lids and straining to maintain unrealistic New Years resolutions and cleaning up drunken remnants from the Super Bowl off my front yard to also factor in a healthy dose of worry about taking a walk on the mushy side without also kissing my wallet a fond goodbye.

Now I’m sure that some hardcore Valentine’s Day zealots (read: women under the age of 175) will be up in arms with the fact that we’re not dedicating every fiber of our being towards making this February 14^th even more credit-score-impacting than last year, and maybe I’d have a little sympathy for y’all if us guys had our own holiday dedicated to showering us with affections of the grandest scale, although just for the record, this year’s apathy isn’t really about jealous towards this sexist day … regardless of how much we’d love a three-foot tall solid chocolate statue of Cupid, complete with real working bow and arrows and the largest glass of milk you can find…

Realistically, I think for me at least this year’s fault can more so be blamed on simply the overwhelming complexity of it all, between Valentine’s Day gifts having already dominated the shelves since roughly the day after Christmas and roughly a gajillion other stresses already bouncing around inside my head before even considering the romantic ramifications of this red-laced ritual. I mean, really, do I go with the singing alligator bearing a light-up box of chocolates or the 158-page heart-shaped diary to fill with poems of my most romantic desires or, dare I even suggest it, something that can’t be found within the confines of Wal-Mart’s seasonal Valentine’s aisles?!

…because I’m going to be honest with you – us guys don’t necessarily enjoy purchasing all of that novelty, heart-splattered, $7.99 bargain bin crap, but at the end of an already tumultuous week where we’d just as soon come home and pass out on the couch with Leno trailing off in the background, sometimes it’s just easier to phone it in with a cheap box of chocolates and a singing hippo than it would be to spend umpteen hours on the phone booking travel arrangements for an 8-night vacation in San Juan, complete with romantic walks on the beach and confrontationally seductive waiters named Rodriguez who are working for a bit more than just a 20% tip, if you know what I’m saying. And besides, not for nothing, but realistically speaking, not every year can warrant an 11-piece orchestra playing that song from your sweet sixteen party that you kissed your first boy to under a pale moon sky … sorry ladies, but sometimes it’s just a singing hippo kind of year…

…and frankly, with the economy the way it’s been, maybe you should just be happy that the hippo is even singing at all! For there are plenty of other assorted purple and red stuffed animals in that bin and not all of them are predisposed to belting out Let’s Get It On every time you squeeze their lovable, asbestos-filled little bellies. And I know that this probably sounds like a bit of a downer for you, especially considering that many of you have been eyeing the jewelry stores ever since Santa neglected to get you those diamond earrings that you wanted for Christmas (Hey, don’t look at me – I was just as shocked as you were when jolly, old St. Nick let you down that morning!), but remember this – every surprise that you don’t get on Valentine’s Day is just one more thing that we can woo you with come our anniversary or your birthday, and unlike Valentine’s Day, you don’t have to share either of those with anyone else!

Well, it’d be nice if you could maybe split the anniversary with us 60/40 or something this year, but we can continue that discussion at a later day closer to our actual anniversary date … whenever that might happen to be. In the meantime, though, enjoy your smooth-talking hippo as a humble symbol of my undying love. Just try to keep it down, though – it’s been a long week…

For many of us, today is a day to breathe a sigh of relief and profess solemnly to one another, “We made it, gentlemen. We’ve survived another Valentine’s Day successfully, all of our men are in tact, and a few of us even managed to get laid. Of course, now’s not the time to get cocky – remember, we’re only 364 days away from next year’s excursion and that doesn’t leave as much time for preparation as we would prefer…”

And mind you, if you didn’t know until reading this column that Valentine’s Day was yesterday, either you don’t have a girlfriend or you don’t have a girlfriend anymore.

You’re giving me that look like you just learned that your girlfriend’s cat can’t swim. Oh boy…

Frankly I think you’ve got a better chance of surviving after missing a woman’s birthday than you do after missing the sacred holiday, and I would’ve liked to think that none of us would’ve forgotten the utmost of important days on the dating calendar because, well, we can’t afford to make mistakes like this, guys! We’ve worked too long and too hard to overcome stereotypes of geeks and nerds just because we watch Battlestar Galactica and know the IP addresses of all of our favorite websites by heart, only to flush it all down the toilet like a “sleeping” goldfish by carelessly forgetting game day in the land of relationship have-ers!

Ok – just take a deep breath. Scolding isn’t going to get us anymore … man, would growing up have been a little easier if they’d followed that mantra! Now let’s just take a moment to think and certainly we can come up with some sort of sure-fire way to save the day and win back the affection that you’ll likely otherwise never know again…

Hmmm…

Eh…

No, that won’t work, either. And besides, where are we going to find that many chickens on a Saturday night, anyways?!

But you know what might work? And actually, I’m even going to give you three different options just in case you need a runner up to fall back on because, well, I feel your pain. We’ve all been there before, and we can all certainly vouch that hell hath no fury like a woman who didn’t get her box of gourmet chocolates on Valentine’s Day! Now mind you, these have all been ranked in order from probably your best bet to nearly all hope is lost, so just be sure to work your way down from the top, if applicable, and for God sakes keep your fingers crossed…

Saving Throw #1: Time Travel
In all reality, the ultimate best way to reconcile this situation has got to be by preventing it from ever happening in the first place, so just build yourself a time machine, hop back a day or three, and whatever you do, don’t forget Valentine’s Day twice!

What’s that? You don’t know how to build a time machine?! And you call yourself a geek…

Saving Throw #2: Play Dumb
Actually, apparently this should be a rather fitting option if you don’t know how to build a time machine, or perhaps you did build it right and then just got so caught up with watching American Idol that you plumb forgot all over again…

To pull off this technique, dash off to the store and buy everything that you would normally purchase for Valentine’s Day – you’ve actually got an advantage here because everything should be at least 50% off at this point! Then you make your dinner reservations for tomorrow, dress yourself up real nice, and do your very best acting to convince her that you’ve just been so busy at work that you actually thought that Sunday was Valentine’s Day. Granted, even with a stellar performance, you won’t get the full points that you may have been rewarded had you actually pulled it off on the right day, but it certainly beats sleeping on the couch … or worse yet, back at your own apartment!

Saving Throw #3: Beg, Grovel, and Plead.
Believe me, none of us wanted it to come to this, but at this point we’re kinda running out of options and you certainly don’t want to have to go back to the single life, now do you?! Just take a brief trip down memory lane with regards to what you used to eat as a single guy and then let me know when you’ve come to your senses…

This one’s not gonna be easy – in fact, if you’ve still got any parts leftover from that time machine, you may want to give it another go before resorting to option #3. Be prepared for lots of shoe shopping, hanging out with her friends, and you can just forget about seeing any action flicks at the theater for a while. If you’ve already become more domesticated, so to speak, you can certainly count on plenty of laundry and dishes and vacuuming and pretty much anything else that she can think of for you to do around the house at least until Memorial Day! You’ll be making romantic dinners, watching all of her crap on TV, and maybe if you’re lucky, there will be a random instance of pity sex in there for you every now and then.

It sounds like an awful lot – maybe too much for forgetting one lousy, stinking holiday, but remember, back when you were single, there wasn’t even any pity sex. Well, it was pitiful, but there was only one of you, so that doesn’t really count! Just suck it up, do whatever you have to do to stop this train from derailing altogether in a horrific accident that will burn for days to come, and then in addition, start planning just how you’re going to make sure that you don’t forget come next year.

That’s right – only 364 days. A man’s job never ends…if we’re lucky, anyways…

I guess Forrest Gump was right – life is like a box of chocolates.

In fact, given the upcoming holiday, I’d even go so far as to say that love is like a box of chocolates, for a number of reasons that we’re about to go through right here in our annual Comedic-Genius Tribute to Valentine’s Day: The Greatest Hustle This Side of National Arbor Day.

*pause for trumpeting fanfare*

You see, out of all of the heart-laden teddy bears and strawberry-scented bubble baths that come out of the woodwork for this quasi-romantic holiday, I tend to turn a blind eye in their general direction in favor of an alternative gift that not only shows someone just how much you care, but also does its part to help provide vital fuel for her body in the form of rich, creamy, milk-chocolaty calories! They say that the way to a woman’s heart is through her stomach, right? No wait, I guess that’s us guys, whereas the way to a woman’s heart passes by Tiffany’s, Bath & Body Works, and at least three of those fancy, high-end department stores where the crazy ladies try to spray perfume on you even though by now it should be painfully clear that you’re simply not a Mystique kind of guy…

Nonetheless, I’ve yet to encounter a woman who deep down couldn’t appreciate a classy box of her favorite sweets on Valentine’s Day, even if she refused to actually partake in them before retreating to her secret snack cave so that she would be well out of view of any of her girlfriends while she went to town on bonbon after bonbon of deliciousness like a herd of wild water buffalos loose in a field of whatever the heck water buffalos eat! I’ve known women who would openly kill anyone who dare get between them and their bonbons, and that’s even simply on any random Tuesday while she’s swooning over The Young and the Restless … when was the last time that you saw life being threatened over some cheap roses and a semi-cute, pink elephant plush from Wal-Mart?! On a day as important as this, guys, don’t leave the immediate future of your sex life in the paws of novelty. This is no time to get creative – old and reliable wins the race when it comes to not sleeping on the couch on February 14th.

Of course, that said, despite the classic heart-shaped box being somewhat of an easy win when it comes to Valentine’s Day, special care must still be exerted to ensure that the box of deliciousness given isn’t inadvertently filled with lemon crème or pistachio general gross-ness because while boxed chocolates can certainly be the high road to success on the day of love, said perceived victory can quickly turn to sour defeat when it is realized that your girlfriend, wife, or miscellaneous female acquaintance isn’t one of the three people on the planet who actually enjoy these truly nasty fillings! All it takes is a quick read of that little map on the back of the box, though – remember, it’s all about doing your homework when you’re trying to take the easy way out!

Just be thankful that Valentine’s Day comes but once a year because otherwise, if she could pick up a box of these chocolaty, little love morsels on any given Must-See TV Thursday night, well … I don’t think I need to tell you just how not screwed we’d all be, guys! Of course, either way there are lessons to be learned from such a simple $9.95 box of happiness – sometimes the best gifts really do come in small packages, and sometimes all a woman is really looking for is just a bit of sweetness in her life. Mind you, sometimes she’s just as apt to go off on you for buying her chocolates when in truth she’s the one self-conscious about her own looks because she’s been slacking on that New Years resolution diet that she had gotten so drunkenly excited about at roughly 3:43am on New Years day, which while technically isn’t even remotely your fault, you’ll still take the brunt of for reasons of logic and courtesy unknown…

Come to think of it, sometimes you’re better off waiting until after Valentine’s Day when you can get pretty much the same thing for merely a fraction of the cost, and whether I’m still talking about chocolates or have since moved on to a more broad topic … I’ll leave that for you to decide! Happy Valentine’s Day, good luck, and be sure to steer clear of the coconut almond ones – who thinks up some of these combinations, anyways?!

You might be interested to know that statistics that I’m making up right here on the spot show that there are more people meeting each other online these days than in all of the dive bars and pool halls and discothèques combined. In fact, thousands of new lovebirds are diving headfirst into the online dating world everyday and if they can ever figure out a way for your average Joe to download his beer via the Internet, technology may very well pave the way for the end of the gin joint as we know it. Clearly the true isolated geeks like myself are going to have to build some sort of Super Internet if we’re ever going to get any peace and quiet around here…

But of course, the more people in the pot, the better when you’re search for the love of your life, right? Then again, I know of a certain witch who says the same when preparing her famous Soylent Stew, but this is the Valentine’s Day column, not the Halloween column, so let’s try to stay on task! Dating can be an intimidating and scary enough process as it is, so it’s easy to see how factoring in the old magic typing machine could leave most folks scratching their heads and other assorted body parts of preference!

And that’s where I come in because, well, let’s just say that I’ve got the kind of time on my hands these days to spend hours upon hours…upon hours…playing around online and as of late, even I, myself, have been dabbling a bit in the art of finding love online. It may be a big, scary world out there filled with girls who won’t return your calls and guys who listen to what they want to listen to in the car, but because I’m the kind of guy that I am, I thought it would be nice this holiday to put together a list of tips and tricks that I’ve managed to uncover over my years to help make the most of your online dating experience! Just like that kid in the Trapper-Keeper commercials, you’re going to be beating them off with a stick by the time we’re through here…

In Creating Your Dating Profile…

· Your screen name is your identity to the online dating world, so first and foremost, choose wisely! Although beerslut83 may be your perfect moniker today, what if later on down the road, you decide that you’re more of a box ‘o wine kind of gal? Just the first of many important decisions that you’ll be making today.

· The description you provide will be one of the primary ways that potential candidates will determine whether or not to contact you…assuming that you posted a hot photo, that is…so you’re going to want to write something intriguing that will be sure to grab your prospective suitor’s attention. Something along the lines of “I really don’t know what to put here…” is a great way to start!

Other suggested opening lines include:

“I know that only dorks do this stuff, but my girlfriends thought it might be fun…”
“I really don’t have problems meeting guys…”
“I probably wouldn’t even be filling this out right now if I wasn’t soooooo wasted!”

· And by all means, if you enjoy having fun, be sure to include that, too – in those exact words, as it’s such a clear and concise way to describe yourself. It doesn’t really matter what you enjoy doing – you can talk about that on your first date; what’s important is that you’re not one of the many people who, tragically, don’t enjoy having fun.

· Sure, photos are nice…if you really want to date somebody who’s shallow! Your real dream date will accept you for who you really are, regardless of that unsightly hump on your back, so hold your ground and save those baby photos for when they meet your parents next week…

· But if you insist on going against the grain and want to post a photo or two, the historical look is really what’s in right now – preferably something from around the time of your high school prom if you’re in your mid-twenties. I hear that jumbo hair and parachute pants should be making a comeback any day now…

In Making the First Move…

· She’ll never know that you’re interested if you spy on her profile nightly from afar, so be bold, take that first step, and see if you can first uncover her MySpace profile with a little clever Googling. A little research can give you that added edge you’ll need to take this one to the bank.

· In today’s fast-paced, technological world, communication flies at the speed of light, so there’s definitely something awry if you don’t hear back from your new friend within a matter of days, if not even hours. This can be a great opportunity to show your future girlfriend that you really care – keep sending those e-mails one after another until you hear back from her. Not only will you prove that you have excellent follow-up skills, but it’s also a pleasant reminder to her that somebody out there is interested in her!

· Any savvy dating enthusiast will tell you that “No” is the new “Maybe,” so don’t give up hope if he tells you that he doesn’t go for chicks who still live with their parents. Maybe he was having an off day, or maybe he just received some bad news about the paternity suit that his bitch of an ex-girlfriend filed on him last year – whatever the reason, keep those *winks* coming because you never know when he’s going to let his guard down…

In Actually Going on “the Date…”

· This will be the first time that you meet face to face, so be prepared for all of the quirky, physical traits that even the wonders of the Internet simply aren’t able to portray. Sure, the “sparkling complexion” that she described in her profile may very well be more along the lines of what the rest of the world would describe as “hideous warts,” but seriously, at this point you can’t even remember the last time you had a date, so deal with it.

· The most important part of any first date is ensuring that you both feel comfortable and often humor is the best way to help ease difficult situations, so try joking about how nervous you both really are and just watch as the tension breaks away.

Example:

“So you’re not really nervous, are you?”
“No? How about now?”
“What about now?”

· Above all, know that this is truly your time to shine by proving that you’ve read your date’s profile twenty times a day, every day, since they first crossed your screen. Try to fit in the subtle references that dates previous have likely overlooked, such as that she “really enjoys doing fun things.”

In the Event That Things Don’t Go “as Planned…”

· So if the date ends up being a total bust because she ends up having two humps instead of only the one that she mentioned, or he unexpectedly turns into the Wolfman halfway through your date and you’re just really not into all of that excess back hair, keep in mind that if you can make it home by 10:00pm, you should still be able to catch a rerun of Smallville on the WB…

Of course, I can only give you the knowledge – it’s up to you to make use of it, so go forth on that Information Superhighway, hunt down the guy or girl of your wildest dreams, and stalk them incessantly until they finally snap and end up filing a restraining order against you. Have fun!

Roses are red, tulips are yellow,
That woman alongside you, she be one CRAZY fellow!

Whether it be writing “I love you” in the sky, in the local newspaper, or even across one’s own forehead, it pretty much goes without saying that people do some crazy things when they’re in love! Over the years, we’ve heard reports of folks erecting statues on not-so-public pieces of land, teaching their pets elaborate dance moves, and even buying plots of land on the moon for their loved ones (I did happen to like that one myself, though!), so it would seem to me that just about anything is possible of Valentine’s Day, right?

Well, anything except straitjackets, anyways…

But I’m certainly not trying to denounce a little healthy kink in the bedroom these days…unless the thought of a bound up Teddy Ruckspin brings home the bacon for you, that is! I bring this up because recently everyone’s favorite teddy bear manufacturer – The Vermont Teddy Bear Co. – made headlines with some of these very same ideas…and not necessarily in a good way, either. How could an organization filled with love and fluff like Vermont possibly get on anyone’s bad side, you ask? Well, long story short – one of their creations entitled “Crazy for You” featured a bear sporting a straitjacket, complete with commitment papers and the whole nine yards…and needless to say, somebody got offended.

I’ve got to say that it takes a certain kind of person to get offended by a teddy bear…not exactly somebody that I’d want living next to my padded house…but needless to say, we don’t call them crazy just because they dress all in white! Come to think of it, brides also dress all in white…coincidence?! I think not…

(Pause to allow the hate-mailers a moment to gather their torches and pitchforks…)

But seriously folks, if you ask me, you’ve just got to be a little crazy to be in love – that’s just how it works, right? No other explanation justifies all of the work that we put into simply making one other person like us better than all of the rest – cooking, cleaning, even keeping ourselves groomed! Think about it, ladies – many of you make regular trips to the salon to have boiling hot wax poured over your nether-regions…anybody doing it just because it’s fun?! If that’s not enough to convince you, then just take a gander over at your local Piercing Pavilion and let me know what you find out!

Of course, when it all comes down to it, maybe just a little crazy love is all you need. One special person to help you through the good and the bad, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live…or at least until she finishes chewing her way through the straps…

Well folks, I’d say that it’s about time to take a bow! Turn to one another, shake hands, and congratulate one another, for we’ve all successfully made it through another Valentine’s Month – and it really seemed like it would never end this year, didn’t it?! Nonetheless, with enough perseverance and determination, and of course a bit of help from our good friends Jack Daniels and MasterCard, we survived yet another year…

Whew!

Nonetheless, it should also be known that the team has taken a few casualties along the way, so I thought we’d use this week’s time to recognize these falls for the common good – just because the last guy bit it doesn’t mean that you have to do the same! As you already know, I get literally thousands of e-mails each week from folks crying for mercy in their relationships and although we can’t go over each and every one of them, I can at least play for you the highlight reel! So without further a due, let’s take a look at some of the worst Valentine incidents experienced in 2004:

Dear Scott,

It was going to be perfect, man! She would awaken to breakfast in bed, followed by a full morning of free-for-all shopping at the mall, care of my gold card. Then we’d proceed to the zoo (she loves animals) for a private feeding of her favorite creatures of the wild. From there it was to be off to a romantic dinner at that fancy French restaurant downtown (stinky waiter and all!), with several hours of ballroom dancing to follow. Finally, as the clock struck midnight, bringing Valentine’s Day to a close, I was going to propose to her there under the clear night sky, our song playing softly in the background.

It was going to be perfect, alright, except for one teensy, tiny detail – she never actually showed up! Ok, so technically I haven’t exactly met her yet, but I just sort of assumed that everything would sorta fall into place. Don’t get me wrong – the zoo was fun, but I did feel kind of silly dancing all by myself later that night! What should I have done differently?!

Signed,

Dazed and Confused

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Dear Dazed (and quite possibly still confused as well…),

Let this serve as a lesson to you – remember what happens when you assume! I, for one, can certainly attest to this situation – it doesn’t matter how much planning you put into the girl if she doesn’t show up at all…and even more so when you haven’t even met her in the first place!

You do get a little credit, I should note, because it takes an awful lot of ambition to plan such an extraordinary date based completely on a whim, but next time try to get a girl involved with the whole thing, even if it’s just someone you met at the bus stop earlier that day. The ballroom dancing will still feel silly, but with that kind of schedule that you’ve masterminded, there ought to at least be some kind of action in store for ya when it all comes to a close!

Good luck!

- Scott

Dear Scott,

Here’s a story for you – one of my buddies decided that it would be a good idea to hook me up on a blind date for Valentine’s Day this year. I’ve been a little down on my luck lately, so it seemed like a good enough idea at the time…

As it turns out, the girl in question was actually a friend of his girlfriend, who’d sort of pressured him into finding someone to occupy her that evening. Well, all was going ok, until about halfway through the night I finally realized that my blind date actually was BLIND! It explained a lot, really – why she just chuckled when I asked her what she thought of my shirt or what movie she wanted to go see. The thing is this – I don’t know if I can handle dating someone who has never even seen me! I guess that she’s asked about me a couple of times, but I’ve never really had an answer to pass back. What should I do?!

- Sightless in Seattle

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Dear Sightless,

Don’t take this the wrong way, man, but at least you had a date on Valentine’s Day! I just finished reading a letter from some guy whose date never even bothered showing up, so consider yourself fortunate that you even got to play the game…

As far as the disability is concerned, though, each person is different and only you can decide if that’s something that you’ll be able to hack or not. On the plus side, you’ve pretty much got free reign to wear whatever you want out in public with her and as long as you can steer her around the laundry piles in your apartment, the cleaning-factor should be a breeze, too! That kind of girl is going to take a little more maintenance than most girls because of the obvious, but hey, like I said before – if she’s interested in you, you’ve gotta give her a few points for that…

I’d say give her the benefit of the doubt – you may be surprised!

- Scott

Dear Holy One,

I think I may have bitten off more than I can chew this time…

I thought it would be hot dating a woman that made her money by wrestling other women in a gigantic pool of baby oil, but now I’m starting to have my doubts. I don’t have a problem dating larger women, but this girl has muscles on top of her muscles and can bench press me with room to spare! It’s kind of like dating a female version of Arnold Schwarzenegger, except without the political agenda, and although I never thought it would be a problem seeing a girl who always wants to be on top, frankly this woman just frightens me sometimes.

I think I want to break things off with her, but I’m afraid that she may retaliate and break my legs off or something – what would you do?

Sincerely,

Scared Shitless

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Dear Shitless,

I don’t really know how to tell you this, but you’re screwed.

I can tell you right now that if you personally try to break up with this woman, you can pretty much consider your life forfeit, so your only real hope is to lead her towards breaking up with you. There’s still likely to be some pain involved, but it’ll be “You’re a jerk and I don’t want you in my life anymore” pain as opposed to “Who the hell are you to break up with me” pain. The first kind is recoverable, where as the later is typically responsible for smashed windshields, maxed-out credit cards, and house fires…

It shouldn’t be too hard to convince her that she can do better, just watch your back and make sure that her friends don’t clue her in to your evil scheme. Best of luck to you, and may your wounds heal quickly!

- Scott

See, I told you that things could’ve been worse! Just be thankful that it’s over for another year and if her birthday has already passed as well, then enjoy the free ride until Christmas, my friend! Feel free to e-mail me your latest woes and I’ll do everything I can to post them online here so that the rest of our gender doesn’t suffer a similar fate…

Cheerio!

What better time than Valentine’s Day to air out some dirty laundry, right?! Well baby, I’ve been holdin’ this back for a while, but there are just a few things that I can’t keep covered up any longer! I know, I told you that our love was something special, and in all technicalities it still is, but there’s a few things that you need to know before we can continue this masquerade. You know how you’re always telling me that you never know how I really feel?! Well brace yourself – it’s time to play a little catch-up…

10. I can’t stand that guys never get anything on Valentine’s Day.

We might as well start at the present – today is supposed to be a day to show your love, so where are my presents?! I buy chocolates and stuffed bears and champagne, and what do I get in return – a lecture on why I couldn’t be as romantic as that other guy in the restaurant who proposed on Valentine’s Day. Always in second place…

9. I can’t stand that you make any compliment I give you sound negative.

Just because I say that you look good today does not mean that you looked hideous yesterday – I don’t even remember what you were wearing yesterday! Quit being so over-analytical about everything and just take the damn compliment for what it’s worth already!!!

8. I can’t stand how we never watch the movies that I want to watch.

You always say, “We’ll see…” and then end up coming back with something else from the drama section after I’ve already had my heart set on something good and violent. Even if it does end up being something that I might’ve chosen myself, the only reason we’re watching it is because you think that Orlando Bloom is the sexiest elf in all of Middle Earth…

7. I can’t stand the fact that you snore, and even more so that you deny it!

Much like farting or picking up the check, it’s almost like I’m just supposed to believe that the female body simply isn’t equipped with the necessary parts required to snore. The next time I’m awakened at three in the morning and have to try to get back to sleep with a buzz-saw going next to me, I’ll tape it for you – call it breathing loudly, call it what you want, but don’t pretend you’re above making those kinds of noises!

6. I can’t stand that I always wake up freezing in the morning.

Because while we’re on the topic of bedroom etiquette, how’s about sharing some of the sheets on my own bed with me, eh? Ain’t it funny how we both fall asleep all warm and cozy, yet when morning comes there you are wrapped up in all of the covers while I lay shivering, with an acute case of hypothermia right around the corner…

5. I can’t stand that our shared shopping experiences can’t be equal.

When we go shopping because you want to go shopping, we hit up one or two stores that interest me in between going to every girly store in the mall, yet when we go shopping because I want to go shopping, we hit up one or two stores that interest me in between going to every girly store in the mall! You wanted gender equality, but maybe there are some things that are just best done alone.

4. I can’t stand that your friends are all judgmental, hate-filled bitches.

Does the storm never end with these women?! I can be at the top of my game on any given day and all it takes is running into one of your sorority sisters to bring it all crashing down around me – talk about perpetual unhappiness. Do they maybe just need to get laid a little more often? Because I’m more than willing to pay for it myself if you think it would help!

3. I can’t stand that you have more clothes in my apartment than I do.

I mean, seriously, just who actually lives here, anyways?! You have an entire closet full of stuff at your own place, yet it seems like every time you spend the night anything more than the clothes on your back ends up staying here. I was cool with the toothbrush and whatnot, but falling back on good old logic, shouldn’t your own closet be getting emptier as your collection in mine grows??? One would think so…

2. I can’t stand that you never stop talking…ever!

Don’t assume that simply because I’m not actively engaging in thoughtful, intellectual conversations with you during every single second of the day that something’s necessarily wrong – maybe I’ve just run out of things to say and I need to rebuild my train of thought, did you ever think of that? The phrase “Silence is golden” bears more meaning than you will ever know, so just calm down and take a breath once in a while!

And with all of the cell phone calls, too… Yeah, I called you every fifteen minutes back in the day because I liked you and it was a way of getting my foot in the door, but understand that before you came along, I only used the thing once or twice a month anyways. Just because you have a means of getting a hold of me at any given time during the day doesn’t mean that you need to exercise those options…

1. I can’t stand that despite the fact that you have no qualms about complaining over my nose hairs or lack of social skills, I’ll never confront you about any of the things on this list because I just love you that damn much!

How do you do it, seriously?! I am but putty in your hands, merely waiting to see what you’ll make of me and the thought of being discarded after informing you that you sound like a beaver mid-sleep simply isn’t something that I’m willing to risk…at least not just yet! Now if there was maybe some way to tone down the judgmental side in your half of the court, then life would be umpteen times easier on my behalf, but for the time being I’m willing to play with the hand I was dealt in the name of love…

Happy Valentine’s Day to all the ladies of my life – past, present, and future. And whatever you do, don’t believe a word that your sister tells you…I didn’t even know that you were related!

Please note that no significant others were harmed during the making of this column. In fact, I don’t even have a lady friend right now, so if you’re not doing anything later on tonight…that is, if you weren’t completely and totally offended by what you just read, then drop me an e-mail! You haven’t truly experienced Valentine’s Day until you’ve spent it with a cynic, let me tell ya…