Welcome to Florida – I hope you brought an umbrella!

I mean, sure, it’s technically summertime and we’ve definitely got plenty of sunshine ready for your stay, too – sometimes upwards of 100 degrees of it at a time, but it’s always the rain that catches people off-guard because, well, I guess there are certain expectations that get set when people plan their vacations to The Sunshine State that in reality might not actually be 100% accurate…

Fortunately, being that it typically only lasts for about 30 minutes each afternoon, rainy season is something that those of us who live here in Florida have kind of gotten used to over the years, just like the overwhelming barrage of tourists and retired people that roam our streets and theme parks like equally bewildered lost puppies.  But eventually with time you learn what tourist traps to avoid and why never to play chicken with an old man on a golf cart, just in the same way that you learn not to take a late lunch between the months of June and September, or if you do, it’s not a bad idea to bring along your canoe in tow just in case!

Because it may not be a long shower, but oh boy, is it a thorough drenching during that half hour when the sky opens up and unleashes its wrath of a thousand bathtubs upon an unsuspecting mass of the soon-to-be-soaked!  People sometimes throw around the classic phrase “raining cats and dogs” in reference to just any old drizzle outside their living room window, however there are periods during the rainy season here where it actually wouldn’t surprise me to see real, live cats and dogs pelting down from the skies, flooding the streets with a gigantic fur ball of anger that’s going to make an absolute mess before we’re finally able to dry them all off!

Of course, as much as we might moan and groan about the inconvenience of these regularly scheduled tidal waves, we all know that our afternoon rain storms are small potatoes compared to the hurricanes that seem to be ever-looming off our coast, proverbially being the difference between it “raining cats and dogs” vs. “raining elephants and hippopotamuses…with the occasional angry mountain lion thrown in there for ambiance, too.” I’m happy to carry an umbrella pretty much everywhere I go during this time of year if only to ensure that the roof of my house will actually still be there where I left it when I later return home!

Besides, there are plenty of things that you can do to make the best of this slippery season to avoid getting washed away between the hours of 2:30 and 5:00pm – simple things, like…

• keeping no less than 18 sets of dry clothes in your car
• stowing a small, inflatable life raft in the trunk, for those instances when your wife is literally willing to paddle her way to the latest savings at the mall
• maintaining a money clip’s worth of tens and twenties to provide the generous tips that you’re going to owe the delivery guy when you order in for lunch instead of venturing outdoors like a gambling crazy person

And above all, just remember – a bad day at Disney World is still better than a great day back home at work, and besides, they don’t call it Splash Mountain for nothing!  Grab a poncho and a couple of dozen pairs of dry socks from the gift shop and you’ll be back waiting in line in that sweltering heat in no time…

Happy vacationing!

With apologies to Pete Townsend and The Who…

Whew – is everybody still with us?!

Boy, has it been a rough couple of weeks around this place … I don’t know about you, but that cold was just about more than I could bear!  I mean, people move to Florida to get away from the freezing cold, and yet we just spent the better part of the last three weeks fighting off Frosty and his fiendishly freezing foes like our lives depended on it … because for people who don’t actually own coats, they did depend on it!

Fortunately it seems that global warming is finally back on our side once again and those frantic flurries are long gone in favor of temperatures more befitting of the white, sandy beaches and coconut-flavored drinks that make our state a fine place to visit and an even better place to live.  But as much as we’re all certainly basking in the warmth that had temporarily forgotten us, know that us Floridians are still feeling a world of hurt from those seemingly endless days of frost-covered windshields and blanket-laden shrubberies, and if there’s one thing that we learned from this mind (and body!)-numbing experience, it’s that frankly put – we can never allow such a frigid travesty to happen ever again.

We can’t go back, we won’t go back, and I think I speak for everyone from the Sunshine State when I say that we’re willing to do anything, and I mean anything to ensure that we never feel the unrelenting wrath of Old Man Winter and his abominable ice capades ever again!  Of course, as you would imagine, it will take a grand scheme of epic proportions to feign back such evil forces in all of their nippy nastiness, but as luck would have it one good thing that did come out of my recently being sick was that I found myself laid up with plenty of time to think about this exact issue.

Here are a few of the ideas that I’ve been kicking around so far:

• Strategically-located space heaters.
• Giant blankets, arranged over our cities and towns in an impressive, fort-like manner.  May also use giant couch cushions, as available.
• No more visitors from “up north” who always seem to “bring it with them” when they “come to visit.”
• Maybe I’m still a bit calorically hung over from Christmas, but is it just me or does the house always seem warmer while you’re baking cookies?  The mandatory baking of delicious treats every Saturday afternoon – I mean, who wouldn’t get behind that?!
• More hugging.  Well … nah, that one might get a bit awkward…
• Build a large campfire somewhere in the vicinity of Central Florida – nothing warms the body after a long day like some s’mores shared amongst friends.
• A state-sponsored, mass hibernation program – basically, the entire state of Florida just shuts down if the temperature drops below 45 degrees Fahrenheit.

Got a better idea?  Let’s hear it, folks, because time is of the essence and that jerk Winter could be back any second!  Preparations must be made; tropically-oriented lifestyles must be secured.  We can’t handle temperatures like that again, but with the right brilliant idea, we won’t have to.

Remember, we’re willing to do anything…

Hey, Old Man Winter?  Ummm … we need to talk.

Look – I understand that being all cold and bone chilling and overall just depressing is kind of your thing, but here’s the thing – some of us live in Florida. We didn’t sign up for this shit.  If we wanted to spend our days with chapped lips and frozen toes, there are certainly places a bit farther north that we could be living … like the North Pole. Instead we chose this – the land of sunsets and beaches and even the occasional bikini, or so I’m told – but this atrocious weather as of late hasn’t exactly been very inviting for fruity, rum-based drinks laden with little plastic umbrellas, if you know what I’m saying…

You see, “winter” for us here in Florida is about having to occasionally wear long-sleeve shirts and closed-toed shoes, not thermal underwear and gigantic, poofy coats that make us look even more like the Michelin Man than we’re really comfortable with! Hell, the other day my wife had to wait for the ice to melt off of her windshield before she could drive home! Ice … windshield … not Margarita glass … is any of this getting through to you?!

I mean, I’m sorry if I sound a little bit on edge, but frankly, this is the second year in a row now that you’ve tried to pull this crap right after the holidays and while we appreciate the sentiment – maybe you’re going for some sort of post-White Christmas Effect or something – it’s important for us to tell you in a constructive criticism-sort of manner that seriously, this is just not working for us.  An overnight of chills here, a blustery weekend there – fine, we can pull out our satirical Floridian Winter Clothes and push through it, but at this point we’re going on, like, three solid weeks of sub-60 temperatures and something’s just gotta give!

This morning I noticed the blankets that my neighbor had strewn through his yard to keep their bushes from freezing and I almost considered stealing them for myself! Forget the plants – people come before plants…

I don’t know if maybe you get some sort of kickback from mitten and hot chocolate sales, but whatever they’re paying you, double it! If I need to take up a collection and have every Floridian throw in a buck, something tells me that we’d all be more than happy at this point to cut back on our morning donuts or even coffee for a single day if only to whisk us back to the bright and cheery, Floridian warmth to which we’ve grown accustomed.  Really, it’s either that or we learn to adapt to this Winter Wonderland climate, with all of the wool hats and long underwear that our northern brethren have become dependent on whenever temperatures slip into the icy cold abyss.

Of course, the chances of that happening are about as likely as Frosty the Snowman building his summer home down here.

Yeah, too soon for that one…

The bottom line is this – here in Florida we’ve come to enjoy a very specific kind of weather, and although it might threaten us with the occasional hurricane or flash flood, those are pretty much the two types of severe weather that we signed up for.  Yep, look it up – there’s a limit, so just like California has earthquakes and mudslides and Kansas has tornados and being absolutely bored out of your mind, here in Florida we’ve already chosen our two as well and cold weather is most definitely not on that list!  I mean, it’s a reasonable misunderstanding, despite all of the rosy cheeks and frozen nose hairs, but now’s the time to correct this chilly mishap.

Seriously, like right now – we’re freezing down here!

Folks, I don’t want to sound like a buzz kill here, but nonetheless I feel the distinct need to clear something up.  Specifically – it’s November here in Florida.

You know the month – smack dab right there on your calendar between Garfield Trick or Treating for Lasagna and Odie Dressed Up as a Reindeer.  It’s a 30-day period traditionally known for turkeys and Thanksgiving and eventually also transcending the seasons from autumn into winter.  Most important of all, though, is the simple point that the month of November is not in what you would consider “the summer” … also known around these parts as The Season of Air Conditioner Appreciation.  I know that Florida tends to get stereotyped as the state that doesn’t experience actual “seasons,” but that’s simply not true.  Our seasons may be significantly less dramatic than those experienced around the rest of the country – i.e. we’ve never had to “get up early to go shovel out the car” … thank god!  But we do still see colder weather towards the end of the year and there are several days when we even have to dig out *gasp* long sleeve shirts!

All gloating aside, however, the real reason that I wanted to bring all of this up is because this ugly “no seasons” stereotype carries right over to a very time-honored tradition here in Florida that when not thought through can lead to devastating, often times shriveling results.  That activity, of course, is swimming.

You see, people don’t realize it because the Florida that they see on TV and in the movies uses those fancy special effects and digital editing these days, but believe it or not, there comes a time here even in the Sunshine State where the water, simply put, is f-ing freezing! Sure, it may not have icebergs in it or be frozen over like bodies of water in some northern states that shall remain nameless, but still, if you think that you’re coming to our state to simply “hang out at the pool” between, oh say, late September and March, you’re either a polar bear or at the very least in for quite the rude awakening!

Also shrinkage, guys – think about it.

“I know, I know…” you hear me say sympathetically.  “It’s just not fair.  It’s still 70 degrees out – that’s warm, right?!” But we both know that water temperature and air temperature are two different things … well, *I* know that, anyways.  And if you’d like to test this theory of yours out by dipping the twins into the shivery 60 degree depths, by all means be my guest!  Just don’t come crying to me when you’re resembling raisins in all the wrong areas, wondering why you can’t have kids while also asking me to autograph my latest book for your nephew, even though we both know that it’s really for your wife to make up for ruining her favorite blouse in the washing machine with that black pen you forgot to take out of your pants pocket.

Besides, there are still lots of great things that one can do here in Florida during the cooler months that don’t involve losing one’s toes, genitals, and other appendages in no particular order to an icy grave.  For example, you could find somebody who has a heated pool or spend your hard-earned dollars at one of our many fabulous theme parks, many of which have plenty of twisty-turny roller coasters that will jostle your insides to the point where swimming will be the last item on your agenda for the immediate future.  Or even better yet, you could always just do what us locals do during this time of year – be thankful that it isn’t hurricane season – that always helps to warm my bones after a cold and blustery day!

Just remember that unlike many of life’s other challenges, this is one that copious quantities of beer cannot solve and if you think waking up next to someone whose name you can’t remember is bad enough, imagine that they don’t have any toes because they thought that every droplet of water within the boundaries of Florida was like bathwater all the time! The truth is, that doesn’t actually apply until mid-March, which is coincidentally right around spring break, so until then you’re still welcome to come and visit, but you might want to bring a book.

…either that or just stay where you are and enjoy all of that shoveling – it’s really your call!

You’ve just gotta love the holiday spirit, don’t you? The purchasing of gifts for your friends and family, the delightful flow of eggnog as you divulge secrets from your childhood past that you wouldn’t dare tell your dog sober, and the beautiful descent of thousands of tiny snowflakes falling from the sky – each a little more different than the last – and ultimately all of them piling together to form an impassable mountain of ice and snow, that of which the Abominable Snowman himself couldn’t imagine traversing without a week’s worth of supplies and that pair of monogrammed earmuffs his Mother made for him when he but a wee snow beast. Yeah, of all the fun and magic that winter presents us with, the dealings with snow and its removal on a grand scale are likely at the bottom of most lists, and it’s because of this that during these months I offer up my most humble and sympathetic words…

“Ha ha!”

That’s right, I may get taunts and jeers all summer long as wave after wave of hurricane-y goodness floods over my Floridian home, but it’s all worth it when we get into the winter months and I imagine my homeland up in Northern Michigan, quaint as it may very well be, buried up to its proverbial neck in that cold and unyielding white gold! And don’t get me wrong, from the perspective of the skier or the snowmobiler or the snowman aficionado, having every perceivable inch of the countryside dusted with a hefty, six-foot “massacre” of snow sounds perfectly wonderful – the more the merrier, right? But alas, when factoring together my lack of enough coordination to watch skiing on television, much less stand up on a pair of skis myself, an absence of any inking of an ambition whatsoever to ride a deathtrap flying at 80mph across a landscape covered with all sorts of trees and other large obstacles for me to run into, and finally an unspeakable occurrence that we’ll only refer to as “The Naked Snowman Incident of ‘96” and leave it at that, and without further a due, you have a good summary of exactly why I moved from the snow-laden region of Northern Michigan down to the sunny, snow-free land that is Florida.

Also, did I mention that I never really cared much for shoveling the stuff, either? I guess one would probably just go ahead and assume that, but I figured as long as we were on the topic…

But anyways, needless to say quite a few people seem to be jealous when I tell them that thanks to living in Florida, I no longer have to own such items as snow shovels and ice scrapers and long-sleeve shirts. Ok, well maybe that’s pushing it just a bit – I do admittedly have a couple of long-sleeve shirts in my closet that come out during those bitterly-cold times when it gets down into the low 60’s, but you can sure bet that my snowsuits and thermal underwear weren’t exactly at the top of my list when I started packing my belongings three years ago! In fact, I think my Mom even has some of those winter-type clothes that I used to wear during these times when I still lived at home. She occasionally tells me that she’s holding them for the next time I come up to visit during the wintertime, however I just don’t have the heart to tell her that a) that ain’t gonna happen as long as it continues to stay seventy or eighty degrees warmer down here than it is up there; and b) I’m not exactly as skinny as I used to be when I wedged myself into those thermal undies back in the day!

So for the time being I think I’ll be just as happy keeping on down here in the Sunshine State, soaking up the rays while everyone up north is soaking up the…well, actually you won’t be soaking up much of anything for a while because it’s pretty much all frozen right now, but you get the figure of speech nonetheless! And remember, you’re always more than welcome to stop by for a little vacation if those blustery winters prove to be too much for you this holiday season. Just don’t forget to pack a couple of long-sleeve shirts – it gets cold down in these parts in the winter, too!

I was watching The Weather Channel the other day – because my life really is that exciting – and I was astounded. That’s right – astounded, and not simply due to the fact that I just realized that I had spent the better part of my Saturday watching the storm clouds potentially gather over Boston! It was actually during a brief intermission of the weather forecast that I got caught up on an advertisement for an upcoming episode of their hit series It Could Happen Tomorrow! The show offered the devastating insight that if the metropolitan area of Dallas, Texas were hit with an F5 tornado, buildings would crash to the ground, roadways would be torn to shreds, and cows would be hurled through the skies at incredible velocities, all the while later landing safely on the ground miles from their previous homes*.

* Please note: everything I know about tornados, I learned from the Twister ride at Universal Studios in Orlando, FL. While this doesn’t make me an expert in tornado-ology, seriously, what were you expecting here?

Also, it would reason to believe that the five-gallon hat industry around the world would be crippled in a matter of days, but I think they were holding that nugget of detail back for the show itself.

You see, I kind of have a problem with these sorts of stories because A) most people are stupid and will buy into them like Internet stock; and B) for all tends and purposes, these guys are just making all of this stuff up anyways. And I’ve gotten into this one before when I wrote a column several years ago about how weathermen are lazy, and don’t really do anything but wear slick ties on TV, and how if the lady who regularly does the lotto drawings can fill in for you on your days off, then really how difficult can your job be anyways, and I’ll be the first to announce that more than a handful of wives and daughters of weathermen were sure to write in to tell me that I was a big jerk and how their husbands and fathers were certain that a devastating plague of locusts would be settling down over my house any day now.

Two years later, my house is still locust free and those guys are still collecting paychecks?! You know what would happen to me as a writer if I just started making stuff up to put here in my columns every week? Uhhh, nevermind…

But my point is that shows like this do nothing other than catch people’s attention, cause unnecessary panic, and ultimately pave the way for even more crappy summer blockbusters and their subsequent, mediocre-at-best rides at Universal Studios. I know they think they’re trying to do a public service by showing us complex computer simulations of what Ohio might look like after a Mach 9 Earthquake, but haven’t the good people of Ohio already gone through enough? They don’t need the chaos and the rest of us certainly don’t need another hour-long disruption in the classic ticker-display that we’ve come to know and love from The Weather Channel!

Of course, my pull at The Weather Channel is located somewhere firmly between zip and zilch, primarily because I just called all of their employees (with the exception of Skip, the Janitor – he’s cool with me) a bunch of talent-less buffoons, but I say if you want to create an intriguing, fictional what-if program to help spice up the network, why stop with natural disasters?

It Could Happen Tomorrow – a Massive Herd of Crazed Wildebeests Terrorizes New Mexico…and we don’t actually notice for about three months because there’s nothing but desert in New Mexico anyways…

It Could Happen Tomorrow – Kathy Lee Gifford Challenges President Bush to a Winner-Take-All Spelling Bee Championship for the Presidency…and ties in sudden death overtime

It Could Happen Tomorrow – Space Aliens from…well, Space…Invade New Jersey and Proceed to Miraculously Raise Property Values by 25% in Their First Year

I’ve got a million of ‘em, so let me know if you need me to come in and help churn up some fresh ideas in your next brainstorming session! I’m also available to fill in for Chester in front of that big map thingy if he happens to come down with a plague of locusts or something – I hear those are going around pretty bad this time of year…

You know, I always try my best to keep things new and fresh when I’m writing these columns, taking particular care not to repeat topics incessantly until they’ve been proverbially beaten into the ground. I try to do this, but sometimes y’all just don’t give me any other choice…

For those of you who didn’t get the memo, I recently moved down here to Florida from the chilly peaks of Northern Michigan, and for the most part, I absolutely love it! The weather’s warm, the scenery is nothing short of gorgeous (…in more aspects than one…), and the people are as friendly as all get-out. We’re coming up on Thanksgiving here shortly and the temperatures continue to break the nineties on a regular basis, so from any normal man’s perspective, it would seem that things are relatively perfect down here…or at least from any pedestrian’s perspective, that is. You see, not only does Florida have its share of oranges, theme parks, and over-priced souvenirs, it also happens to have its share of crazy-ass drivers (along with the several other states’ shares as well)! I don’t know if it’s because 60% of them can’t see over the steering wheel or if it’s just something in the water, but I think it goes without saying that these Floridian drivers down here need a little more assistance behind the wheel than any driver’s ed. class could ever provide!

And of course, that’s where I come in, ready and willing to happily share my superb knowledge with all those who want to hear it…and many who don’t as well! It’s not that I consider myself to be an expert on this stuff or anything, but it’s mostly common sense, anyways…or so one would hope. Nonetheless, I feel that it’s really my civic duty to bring a few things to light because, damn, you guys are gonna kill somebody – seriously…

• First of all, there seems to be a bit of confusion as far as just exactly how these traffic lights are to be understood – RED = STOP, GREEN = GO, AND YELLOW = SLOW DOWN!!! Just because you saw the light when it was green doesn’t automatically give you the right to go through it when you finally get there…
• Merging from one highway onto another is also apparently a problem, especially if you’re in a larger area, as I am, that happens to have many larger roads. Unless you actually see a sign that says “Lane Ends – Merge Left” there’s really no reason to immediately whip into the other lane or stop until traffic lets you in.
• Also irritating the hell out of me are the people who change lanes while they’re making a turn – those dashed-lines are there for a reason, people! You can cut me off once we’re going straight again, but for the time being, just cool it already…
• Everyone seems to be in a hurry these days, unfortunately so much that they’re unknowingly slowly the rest of us down and they don’t even realize it! Understand that when you weave in and out of traffic, everyone behind you has to slow down to accommodate your rude driving efforts. For the most part, we all know where we’re going, so let’s keep the lane changes to a minimum, eh?
• Emergencies and other sporadic problems can come quickly and silently on the road, so the next time that you’re doing ninety down the interstate, consider what might happen if you suddenly came up on an accident over that hill – can you come to a complete stop in a matter of seconds?! Also important to remember – rain makes roads slippery…
• And for God’s sake, hang up your damn cell phone already!!! You’re a lousy enough driver as it is, and even if you’re not, there are just too many other cellular-toting jerks out there to cover the gap, so either pull over or wait until you get home.
• Most importantly of all to remember, though, is that there are other people in those cars out there, just like you, that simply want to get to their destination unscathed. Some may be in a hurry, while others are out to merely take in the view, so don’t be a jerk out on the road. It add maybe an extra five seconds onto your trip to let someone pull out onto the road from a gas station or change lanes to avoid taking the wrong exit, so play nicely out there and remember the golden rule.
• And if that just sounds like way too much work for you, then remember that driving isn’t for everybody. As cities get bigger and travel becomes more expensive, public transportation and even walking are doing their part to help keep the streets manageable, plus you might even meet a new friend or two, to boot! Point blank, if you can’t handle the responsibilities of operating a motor vehicle, whether it be due to disability or old age or even anger management problems, just do us all a favor and find yourself another way to get from A to B, will ya? I just can’t afford to pay any higher insurance premiums than I’m already paying…

It’s just not fair, I tell ya! I’ve been watching that same squirrel out the window for nearly an hour now, running and frolicking and doing all sorts of other things that squirrels do when they’re taunting somebody that sits in an office all day. Today would be the perfect day to fly a kite or play a rousing game of Frisbee with friends, or even just sit on the beach with a good book, waves crashing peacefully against the shore, bikini-clad honeys whistling their cat-calls at the sexy writer enjoying his day of solitude! Yeah, that would be pretty nice, but instead I’m stuck here, envying a squirrel…

…and I’d be willing to bet that many of you, in fact, are envying squirrels yourselves, too…except those of you who happen to work in high-rises – maybe you’re resenting a flock of nearby birds or something? Whatever your grievance, however, one thing remains certain – it seems like we’d all rather be just about anywhere else than work, and not just in the normal, “I hate my job because my boss is a jerk”-manner! The weather is absolutely beautiful outside, enough to entice even the pastiest of us computer geeks to trek beyond the warm, reassuring glow of our monitors and check out this whole outdoors-thing for ourselves, so the big question remains – how do we get us a piece of that fantastic summer excitement?

Fortunately for all of you stuck behind a desk in desperate search of the answer, I have literally hours upon hours each and every day to spend contemplating such quandaries while I’m at work myself, so it seemed only fitting that I share some of the better ideas that I came up with here today. Now mind you, I take no responsibility for anything that may happen to your employment status by trying any of these ideas on your own, so play at your own risk! Of course, any boss that doesn’t allow you to have even just a little bit of fun, especially during this time of year, is a gigantic wiener who doesn’t deserve your services anyways, but we won’t even venture down that road as it’s no doubt seen plenty of traffic already! So without further a due, Scott’s Ultimate List of Ways to Beat the Heat and Enjoy Some Fun in the Sun at Work…Hopefully Without Getting Fired… (in no particular order)

1. Take casual Friday and kick it up a notch – considering just how much more productive wearing jeans to work really makes everyone, simply get together with everyone else and adapt the dress code to include flip-flops, goofy hats, and Hawaiian print shirts. What are they going to do – fire all of you?!
2. Host a no-holds-barred, garbage can basketball tournament – depending on the skill level of your players, this could last for days or even weeks. Encourage spectators to get in on the action by starting gambling pools, spirit rallies, and post-game victory parties!
3. Redecorate the office to resemble someplace you’d rather be – palm trees and shrubberies, maybe a fountain or even a waterfall, and don’t forget the wildlife…all wonderful distractions from the regularly chaotic hell that beckons your presence for fifty hours a week. (TIP: cover anything that you don’t want to end up cleaning later – bird shit is a mess to get out of carpet…)
4. Hone your skills in the art of origami, feng shui, bonsai, or any other fancy Japanese word – we’ve yet to note any actual benefits from incorporating any of these bizarre hobbies, but just mentioning the name is sure to sound impressive at parties, right?
5. Two words: bug ranch – you’ve probably already got all sorts of pests crawling around the place anyways, so why not have a little fun with them? Give ‘em all names, design challenges and games for them to compete in, and don’t forget to charge admission! Wasn’t this how Walt Disney got his start?
6. Just don’t bother going to work altogether – back in high school we called it hookey, but even today everybody deserves an unannounced day off now and then, right?! It’ll be good for the boss to actually have to do something for a change and the beach never looks as good as when you’re not technically allowed to be there…

Of course, there is one last option, but I’ve gotta tell you that even the most ambitious of squirrels get boring after a while! Nothing against the Sciuridae family, nor any of the other related mammals for that matter, but there’s just nothing like actually enjoying it yourself, so put the phone down, step away from the computer, and go outside, even if it’s just for fifteen minutes – I’ll cover for ya!

(First of all, the title of my column is in response to Just Laugh’s current issue theme, which by a roll of the dice apparently turned out being Cinco de Mayo. Since this column really has nothing to do with Mexicans, the nation of Mexico or Corona imported-beer, this is the closest we’re gonna get…)

Look outside your window right now. Go ahead – get up and walk over to the window (trust me, the computer will be there when you get back!). What’s the weather like outside at your house??? What’s that, you say? Sunny and warm – pretty much the norm for this time of year? Well then, I envy you more than you will ever know…

You see, I live in Northern Michigan (current weather conditions: sucky, increasing to total crap by nightfall). Normally it’s a great place to be – there’s virtually no crime, the scenery is absolutely beautiful and the majority of the people are pretty easy to get along with, but don’t get your hopes up just yet. Sure, I’ve even got the legendary Alpenfest right in my back yard every single year, but there’s one tiny catch that bitters even this icing on the cake…

The other night I woke up at about three in the morning to get a late-night snack. After making my selection from the fridge, I turned around and mistakenly got a glimpse out the window. There was snow on the ground – white, cold, evil snow. I stood there for ten minutes trying to figure it out myself, after which I had finished my sandwich and decided that it was time to stumble back to bed.

If you’re confused by this point, let me explain: this is spring – the end of April even! Two days prior, the temperatures got up to eighty-five degrees during the day and barely below sixty at night, and now we’re back to decking the halls and preparing ourselves for the jolly, old, fat man. Hell, I haven’t even finished taking my Christmas lights down yet, and now there’s reason enough to start putting them back up again! I had even impressed myself (along with half of the neighborhood!) by getting a head-start on raking the yard before the city had to send the threatening letters, and now it’s all buried underneath that fluffy, white crap…where’s the love here?!?!?!

I don’t even know why we even have “weathermen” up here because out of all the reports I’ve heard over my years, exactly three of them have been accurate and two of them were while I was on vacation in a different state! It’s like the equivalent of me practicing antique furniture restoration or professional football and actually being serious about it. Of course, there was that stint back in high school…yep, they used to call me “Shotgun-Arm Scottie,” but that’s another story altogether…

Where was I, anyways? Oh yeah, that’s right – the weather up here is completely unpredictable and generally sucky. (as if our board of tourism doesn’t hate me enough already!) It wouldn’t be nearly as bad if only Mother Nature would make up her mind once in a while and just pick a season…preferably one of the ones that doesn’t have much snow in it. I say much because as any Northern Michigan resident knows, winter is always right around the corner…and it’s usually packing heat, or cold in this case…

So you still want to make the trip up north this year, eh? Well, as much as I rant on and on about my anti-tourism ideals, deep in my heart I realize that the economy of this little community depends on the exchange of your hard-earned dollars for our trinkets and do-dads to survive (that, and I’ll be reading about it in the paper for the next year and a half if tourism is down…), so here’s my contribution to the cause. Below I’ve compiled a packing list to prepare you for your journey into the Great White North. It’s good for just about any time of the year and I personally guarantee that everything you could possibly need for such an adventure is included in my list. (not really) Feel free to print it out and give it to all of your friends – maybe as a going away present because chances are they’re never going to see you again…

Aren’t there bears “outside”???

Scott’s Northern Michigan Adventure Check-List

• Warm-weather clothing (shorts, t-shirts, bug spray, etc…)
• Cold-weather clothing (long pants, sweat shirts, bug spray)
• Really cold-weather clothing (thermal underwear, sweaters, fuzzy hat)
• Full range of jackets (wind-breaker, spring, rain, winter, ski, arctic exploration)
• Footwear (hiking boots, galoshes, waders, walking shoes, running shoes, snow shoes, bowling shoes, ski boots, mukluks)
• Socks
• Umbrella (like it’ll matter…)
• Sunglasses
• Big, floppy “tourist” hat
• Over-sized fanny pack (if you’re ultra cool, go for the leather one…)
• A map of a neighboring state (it’ll be just as confusing – trust me!)
• A gigantic cooler, filled with more food than your entire family could eat in a month
• Camera (because you’ll definitely want to capture the whole thing on tape)
• Video camera (it picks up the crying and arguing much better than ordinary film)
• Ear plugs (“Are we there yet?!?!?!”)
• Cyanide capsules (just in case…)

And the most important thing to bring on your trip to Northern Michigan…

• All of your credit cards

Just remember – Michigan is the one shaped like a hand…reaching out to take all of your money. Hope to see you all real soon!!!