As you may have guessed, today is a pretty special day for me around here, as this is the day when my very first book, The First Seven Years Are Always the Hardest…, is officially available for purchase.

I’ll give that just a moment to really sink in…

You see, this is something that I’ve been working on for a long time.  Believe it or not, I was actually first talking about putting a book of my columns together way back in 2003, but then I did this crazy, little thing called moving to Florida and among everything else in my life that got consequentially thrown into a whirlwind, the book idea found itself taking one backseat after another as my other priorities in life prevailed.

Nonetheless, here we are today, almost seven years past that date and really just about ten years since I first started writing these little humorous diatribes in general, and as odd as it seems, I think now is the better time for this historic event anyways.  I’ve written a lot more columns between now and then (250, to be exact!), and for some reason the summer of 2010 just feels like a good time to introduce some of my older columns back out into the world.  Despite everything being online, I think this collection is going to give people an opportunity to see just how much my writing has evolved over the years – the earliest humor columns in this book actually date all the way back to 2001 – and I’ll definitely be the first to admit that my style has challenged quite a bit since then!  It’s still interesting, though, to go back and revisit the early classics every now and then – to a time when I still lived up in Michigan, I found myself ranting more about mosquitoes than alligators, and the crazy concept of shoveling snow was still an all too real part of my daily routine!

Reflection is definitely fun, and even though frighteningly enough the gears in my head have already started turning with regards to the infamous book two, I hope that everyone who orders a copy enjoys this little trip down memory lane showcasing the first seven years of my life as a humor columnist.  So far it’s been a fun ride, and with any luck this will be only the beginning!

- Scott

So here we are again at the end of another Theme Month here at Comedic-Genius.com.  We laughed, we cried … hopefully in a fit of hysteria on account of laughing so much, and in the end I think we really did some good here, having a bit of fun at the expense of Old Man Technology and all!

And with that, I’d like to leave you with a few personal favorites that I’ve penned over the years with regards to technological wonders and blunders.  Frankly, I would’ve loved to share them sooner, but they just didn’t seem to fit into any of the other categories from weeks prior relating to science and computers and even just wasting time in general…

Faster Than a Speeding Bullet (originally published on 10/13/2004)
Welcome to the World of Tomorrow!!! (originally published on 1/1/2010)
Voltron for President (originally published on 10/24/2008)

As with our previous theme month in relation to feasts a plenty, I certainly hope that you all enjoyed this unique little tribute to all things technology-oriented and generally geeky.  Not sure when the next theme month will grace our presence, as there’s certainly no shortage of random randomness to fill the foreseeable future, but someday when I find myself with an abundance of funny quips surrounding socks, rocks, or giant killer birds, rest assured that theme month will return!

Until then – yours in technology,
@ssevener

Show me a man who doesn’t know how to waste time on the Internet and I’ll show you a man who’s probably never been to my website!  And to waste time by reading about somebody else wasting time … well, that’s enough to bring a tear to any procrastinator’s eye…

I, for one, take great pride in my ability to sidestep Old Man Responsibility and kick back once in a while the kickbacks are still good!  Because in this hectic, mile-a-minute world where cellular telephones and interwebs and dark messengers in the night make us available pretty much 24×7, sometimes you just need a break.

*cut to Kit-Kat commercial*

*What, no commercial?  Ok, then just fill with something … anything!*

Wii’ll Not Be Getting Any Work Done Anytime Soon! (originally published on 12/26/2008)
Not the Brightest Appliances in the House… (originally published on 3/27/2009)
Addicted to Stupid, Little Games… (originally published on 3/5/2010)

Warning: Getting sucked into any of the iPod Touch games that I rave about in that last one could result in addiction that leads to loss of job, spouse, house, home, personal dignity, and the last of your savings in 99-cent increments.

Still, they’re fun though, aren’t they?!
- Scott

You may not even realize it, but more likely than not you’re probably actually reading this on a computer right this very moment! The future is now, folks…

I won’t even pretend to deny it – I love computers, possibly more than a happily married man should love these fancy boxes packed full of integrated circuit boards and magic and pixie dust and whatever the hell else it takes to make the pretty pictures show up on my screen when I press the buttons.  Besides, who couldn’t love the technological wonder that single-handedly revolutionized the nudie pic industry for a whole new generation of up and coming breast, leg, and thigh-loving aficionados the world over?!

…of course, computers can also do all sorts of other wonderful things as well, or so I’m told…

A Google Maps Kind of Day… (originally published on 11/14/2008)
Bad Computer! (originally published on 2/27/2009)
From the Public, For the Public … Online Edition (originally published on 5/21/2003)

Nope – I don’t even have a segue from that into the archived columns that I wanted to pimp this week, but I hope that you’ll enjoy this latest delve featuring a few of my previously penned computer-oriented pieces nonetheless!  But don’t breathe that sigh of relief just yet – Tech Month is barely half over so far and the best* is still yet to come…

* Note: future humor columns may not actually be “the best,” but they’ll at least be better than otherwise sitting there eating your cold breakfast cereal in silence … probably.

- Scot-pruder

Sometimes you take a step forward, sometimes you take a step back, and sometimes you find yourself being ridiculed by your wife’s car for not using your blinker to change lanes while you’re barreling down the freeway at 80mph trying not to be late for your dinner reservations on the other side of town.

Jeeesh!

Innovation can occasionally be a tough cookie to crack, but it usually still beats trying to rub two sticks together to make fire!  Have you ever actually tried to do that yourself?! I grew up in the Boy Scouts and it was still damn near impossible, so I’ll take a little help from old mother science any day…

Great Moments in Science (originally published on 3/5/2003)
Not-So-Great Moments in Science (originally published on 3/19/2003)
Will You Marry Me…on the Moon?! (originally published on 8/13/2003)
Pizza Innovation in the 21^st Century (originally published on 9/18/2009)

And for those of you who found this post actually looking to get married on the moon, or possibly even just enjoy your honeymoon off the north shores of the Sea of Tranquility, just remember – there is no dark side of the moon, really.  As a matter of fact, it’s all dark…

Tie dye and black lights forever,
- Scott

There’s no foolin’ that yours truly is certainly a big fan of technology, between cell phones and video games and Twitter – it’s a wonder I manage to get anything done around here at all!

Of course, then again without technology like the Internet, you wouldn’t be able to read my humorous ramblings each and every week – no offense, but I’m not going to drive to every one of your houses and read it to you! I’ve got lines to clear, you know…

Anyways, I thought this month would be just as good a month as any to officially honor these amazing technological wonders for all of the joy that they bring into our lives, and by honor I mean poke fun at in the humorous manner to which we’ve all become accustomed. You know, like this:

Dreaming in Digital (originally published 8/25/2004)
The Tivo Revolt (originally published 3/9/2007)
Sleeping in HD (originally published 2/29/2008)

Yep – this week it’s all about TV and its arguable incredible contribution to society.  Heck, I even went out and picked up a brand new magic wand in commemoration of it (well, sort of…)!  But what will our focus lean towards next week as Tech Month continues here at Comedic-Genius.com???

No, seriously – if anyone has any ideas, please drop me a line and let me know – asap!

I’m just not sure how well this plan was thought through…
- Scott Sevener

Happy Sunday to you all!

Or to some, I might even say, “Happy Valentine’s Day!” For you, today is a day filled with love and romance and all of that other mushy stuff.  As for the rest, well, maybe there will be some decent movies on TV for you to watch?

Anyways, I know that this year’s valentine’s day column is a bit, well, different from humor columns that I’ve written on the subject in the past.  It was something of an experiment that came about at the last minute and ultimately, I guess you could say that recently I’ve managed to shrug off just a bit of my bitterness, at least with regards to the most lovey-dovey day of the year!  What can I say, marriage has made a bit of a romantic out of this old cynic…

Nonetheless, if there’s one thing that I strive to be … aside from an astronaut, anyways … it’s an equal-opportunity entertainer, which is why I’ve taken the liberty of digging into the vast archives of The Humor Column to bring out a variety of Valentine’s-related columns that I’ve written over the years, sure to encourage a chuckle out of you whether you’re currently head-over-heels in love, bouncing in and out of love like a pogo stick, or even just recently still getting used to your new life in the witness relocation program – a little something for everyone!

All’s Fair in Love and War…Including Cyanide (from 2003)
Ten Things I Really Can’t Stand About You – a Valentine’s Day Blitzkrieg (from 2004)
Internet Dating for Dummies…LOL (from 2006)
You Didn’t Forget, Did You?!  Uh Oh… (from 2008)
Obligatory Valentine’s Day Column (from 2009)

If nothing else, be sure to stop by the grocery store later on this evening when they put all of that leftover candy on sale for 50% off – see, everybody’s a winner on Valentine’s Day!

Your Master of Comedic Romance Himself,
- Scott Sevener

Well, this week’s column is certainly one of those where it’s less than fortunate that I tend to write about happenings from my own life, as I’ve been feebly battling some sort of surprise, mystery flu for the better part of a week at this point.  With any luck, the wise and knowledgeable weather sages will be correct with their predictions and this weekend will bring us some desperately needed relief from this unfathomable cold that I’m officially blaming for this aching ailment of mine!

For those of you who are also facing mucus monsters of the malignant kind and prefer a little company for your collective misery, here are even a few more sick-centric columns that I’ve written over the years – may all of my runny noses and crippling back injuries bring a smile to your congested face nonetheless during times of your own unending yuckiness…

Yours in Kleenexes, Dry Toast, and NyQuil,
- Sc *sneeze* … ehhh, Scott

Or something.

I guess…

</emo>

So it’s official – 2009 is finally behind us.

…but frankly, 2009 was a great year around here.  It was the year that marked my return to writing my humor column on a regular, weekly basis, not to mention the reconstruction of this website in general as a home for all of my creative ventures, so it just doesn’t seem right to let it go out with the flash of a shiny ball, following by lots of drunken wooting in Times Square!  I think we can do better than that…

…no offense, Carson…

Anyways, like I said – 2009 was a banner year for The Humor Column and gave me a chance to write some of my favorite columns to date, so why not take a moment here to highlight some of those hilarious, little ditties that stood out … at least in the eyes of yours truly?  They say that it’s simply not possible for a parent to choose favorites among his children, but who are they kidding, really?!  If I had to go back and do 2009 all over again, these are the columns that would get a little extra in their allowance just because, if you know what I’m saying…

Only This Blanket Can Save You Now! (published 1/16)
Ironically similar to the same “cold spells” that we’re seeing right now, sometimes you just can’t help but laugh when you see your neighbor’s comforter out on the front lawn…

Sherlock Hemlock and The Case of the Missing Garbage Can Lid (published 2/6)
Oh boy, was this an arduous piece of detective work to crack!  Luckily I learned from the best … coincidentally I also picked up a thing or two from his cookie-loving friend.

Not So Much Safe from Giant Birds, Either… (published 3/6)
In which we discuss one of the unexpected downsides of owning a convertible.

Completely Legitimate Cruising Concerns (published 4/24)
As it turned out, I’m happy to report that overly amorous killer whales did not attempt to mate with our boat during the actual cruise … that I know of … but I think my concerns were still warranted all the same.

Finally Befriending Facebook (published 8/28)
So in August I finally signed up for Facebook, and I haven’t done a damn thing since. Ok, not really, but man, it sure is easy to waste ridiculous amounts of time on that thing…

Pizza Innovation in the 21st Century (published 9/18)
This particular column was probably my favorite out of all those that I wrote for Food Month in September … really, General Tso’s Pizza?!  How is that not a real thing yet?!

Reasons Why My Wife is Awesome (published 10/9)
A fitting tribute for our first anniversary, my only hope is that she doesn’t expect something equally hilarious for our second anniversary…

Bringing the Boat Back Home (published 11/20)
Yes, a second cruise-related column belongs amongst my 2009 favorites because, well, not only did I have a lot of fun that week, but as Uncle Ben once said, “With great fun comes great new material.”

So thanks again, 2009!  You were a great year through and through, and we can only hope that 2010 grows up to follow in your footsteps accordingly.

Happy New Year, indeed…
- Scott