The Humor Column

Bringing the Boat Back Home

by Scott Sevener ⋅ November 20, 2009 ⋅  Email this column ⋅  Print this column ⋅

Boy, does time fly when you’re not on a boat, let me tell you…

And granted, I may have been just a wee bit apprehensive about my very first boat-based break from reality, what with the ever-impending threat of overly-amorous whales and other daunting suggestions, but of course, it’s important to note that all of those premonitions were manifested well before ever actually setting foot on that floating paradise of an oasis  … not to say that said allegations aren’t still entirely warranted for those other first-timers who are now themselves entertaining the notion of sailing on the open seas, of course…

That said, though, I’ve got to tell you that ever since I returned from that fabled vacation of epic proportions, it has most certainly been more than just a little difficult to reacclimate to life back here on dry land.  It’s one of those things that you really would never even notice if you didn’t spend some time away, but now that yours truly has officially seen both sides of the coin, I think it’s my duty as your favorite humor columnist to just let you know – being a landlubber sucks. All of this work and responsibility and having to actually do things for yourself – I honestly don’t know how I put up with it as long as I did!  It’s like you’re constantly expected to do stuff on a regular basis to make a worthwhile contribution to society, and frankly, after learning that there’s another option out there – one that features twice a day room cleaning and all you can eat everything – it seems like a no-brainer that I’d much rather be floating around the Caribbean any day than stuck here at home where I have to make my own bed and sing my own show tunes in the evening hours…

Of course, I know that the truth of the matter is that living on a luxury cruise ship 365 days a year would be pretty darn expensive and unfortunately based on this humor columnist’s salary, the only boat that I’d be able to live on at this point would be one that I’d have to row around myself.  Nonetheless, while I may not necessarily be able to afford a real cruise ship to live out the remainder of my 20’s in a manner to which I’ve become accustomed, it seems like a much more reasonable approach might be to do a little sprucing up around here to make my own home more closely resemble that twelve deck resort that captured both my heart and my love of letting other people do things for me little more than a month ago!

Now I’ve done some brainstorming in between watching reruns of Gilligan’s Island of some simple things that I think I could do to help recreate that cruising feeling right here at home – here’s a taste of what I’ve managed to come up with so far:

• Flood the lawn by “accidentally” leaving the sprinklers on all night to provide that breathtaking view of the open water from every window around the house.
• Partition off the shower so that there’s just barely enough room for one moderately-sized adult to stand up completely straight.
• Rid the place of any appliance or electronic device that has the ability to display the current time.  In fact, the calendars are gonna have to go, too.
• Hire a crane operator to rock the house back and forth ever so gently in a calm and relaxing manner.
• Do those Culligan water delivery guys have the option of bringing alcohol instead?  The same sized bottles that fit the dispenser will still be fine…
• Hire a guy to do nothing but cook pizzas and hotdogs twenty-four hours a day, thus ensuring that late night sustenance will never again be an issue.
• Build a basketball court on the roof, even though I probably won’t ever get around to using it.  Oh, and a mini-golf course, too!
• Try to talk the wife into cleaning our bedroom, bathroom, and any applicable linens twice a day.  This one might be tricky…
• Find someone who knows how to carve those really intricate designs into watermelons because hey, what doesn’t spruce up a buffet line like the head of an Indian Chieftain carved out of melon?
• Convert our garage into a karaoke bar – not to use myself, but just so that I can walk by once or twice a night while somebody’s belting out Don’t Stop Believing and think, “Man, even when it sounds horrible, that’s still a great song!”

Jealous already?!  Well, don’t be because with water-view rooms starting at only $249 a week per person, now’s the perfect time to come enjoy world-class amenities with virtually no fear of drowning or getting shipwrecked whatsoever!  Space may be limited, but the fun is endless, so call today to make your reservation – 1-800-SCOTT’S-HOUSE-BOAT or visit us on the web at www.scottshouse.boat!

Something tells me that we might not be getting our security deposit back after this one…