The Humor Column

We Won’t Get Cooled Again!

by Scott Sevener ⋅ January 22, 2010 ⋅  Email this column ⋅  Print this column ⋅

With apologies to Pete Townsend and The Who…

Whew – is everybody still with us?!

Boy, has it been a rough couple of weeks around this place … I don’t know about you, but that cold was just about more than I could bear!  I mean, people move to Florida to get away from the freezing cold, and yet we just spent the better part of the last three weeks fighting off Frosty and his fiendishly freezing foes like our lives depended on it … because for people who don’t actually own coats, they did depend on it!

Fortunately it seems that global warming is finally back on our side once again and those frantic flurries are long gone in favor of temperatures more befitting of the white, sandy beaches and coconut-flavored drinks that make our state a fine place to visit and an even better place to live.  But as much as we’re all certainly basking in the warmth that had temporarily forgotten us, know that us Floridians are still feeling a world of hurt from those seemingly endless days of frost-covered windshields and blanket-laden shrubberies, and if there’s one thing that we learned from this mind (and body!)-numbing experience, it’s that frankly put – we can never allow such a frigid travesty to happen ever again.

We can’t go back, we won’t go back, and I think I speak for everyone from the Sunshine State when I say that we’re willing to do anything, and I mean anything to ensure that we never feel the unrelenting wrath of Old Man Winter and his abominable ice capades ever again!  Of course, as you would imagine, it will take a grand scheme of epic proportions to feign back such evil forces in all of their nippy nastiness, but as luck would have it one good thing that did come out of my recently being sick was that I found myself laid up with plenty of time to think about this exact issue.

Here are a few of the ideas that I’ve been kicking around so far:

• Strategically-located space heaters.
• Giant blankets, arranged over our cities and towns in an impressive, fort-like manner.  May also use giant couch cushions, as available.
• No more visitors from “up north” who always seem to “bring it with them” when they “come to visit.”
• Maybe I’m still a bit calorically hung over from Christmas, but is it just me or does the house always seem warmer while you’re baking cookies?  The mandatory baking of delicious treats every Saturday afternoon – I mean, who wouldn’t get behind that?!
• More hugging.  Well … nah, that one might get a bit awkward…
• Build a large campfire somewhere in the vicinity of Central Florida – nothing warms the body after a long day like some s’mores shared amongst friends.
• A state-sponsored, mass hibernation program – basically, the entire state of Florida just shuts down if the temperature drops below 45 degrees Fahrenheit.

Got a better idea?  Let’s hear it, folks, because time is of the essence and that jerk Winter could be back any second!  Preparations must be made; tropically-oriented lifestyles must be secured.  We can’t handle temperatures like that again, but with the right brilliant idea, we won’t have to.

Remember, we’re willing to do anything…