The Humor Column
Things I Learned On My Christmas Vacation…
I may technically still be on that very same crazy, cross-country Christmas vacation I first wrote about last week, but what can I say … I just couldn’t fathom waiting until I got back to share some of the immense travel wisdom that I’ve garnered along the road thus far! We’ve driven over 1,600 miles, we’ve celebrated the holidays with two different families, we’ve cleaned up plenty of puppy byproducts along the way, and through it all, these are the things that I’ve learned…
- It’s of the utmost importance to take into consideration the physical size of the presents you buy for people before your travels, lest you want to ride for hours on end with packages on your lap…and under your feet…and pretty much all around your entire person!
- Law Enforcement Officials actually prefer that you to be able to see out of the majority of your car’s windows while moving at a high rate of speed down the interstate freeways of this fine nation.
- One should never underestimate the nostalgic power of the California Raisins Claymation Christmas Special after you’ve driven 14 hours straight and just need to unwind with a mug of hot chocolate and an old, childhood favorite!
- When you put four dogs together in one house, eventually cliques will form. It’s in your best interest to remain on their “good side” if at all possible.
- No amount of preparations, including digital photos and video and even 3d holographic rendering, could’ve prepared an eager uncle for the overwhelming adorability that his new baby niece would be bursting with from her teensy fingers all the way down to her tiny, little toes…
- Despite having been away from home for over eight years, the snow in Northern Michigan is still very, very cold!
- From the looks of many rest areas across the country, a lot of people still litter. This actually isn’t funny at all – I was just shocked to see that there are so many jerks out there who think littering is ok.
- Christmas cookies may not be the most nutritious road trip driving snack, but if they work for Santa Claus…
- Unwrapping huge presents is all well and fun, but you’ll still need a true Christmas miracle to fit them back in the car when all’s said and done.
- Even when visiting a strange place far, far away from home, you might be spoiling your puppy just a bit too much when you allow her to drink from your own glass of water…
- It’s a mother’s unspoken rule to ensure that no one leaves the dinner table at Christmastime without going up at least two pants sizes.
- Believe it or not, there are still things far worse than puppy pee for one to have to scrub out of their carpet. We shall not speak of their names, but just know that they do exist and be grateful for that.
- Judging by the number of plush toys and board games and fruit snacks that I got for Christmas this year, the folks that came up with Angry Birds are doing just fine.
- No matter how ridiculously freezing it may be outside, there will always be crazy people still out in the streets shooting off fireworks at 3am on New Year’s Day.
- At the end of the day, the puppy that sleeps through an entire 14-hour car trip without so much as a single whimper or bark truly is the greatest gift of all!