The Humor Column

Treasures of the Forgotten Storage Closet

by Scott Sevener ⋅ March 25, 2011 ⋅  Email this column ⋅  Print this column ⋅

It’s amazing what you can find when you’re forced to pack all of your worldly belongings up in cardboard boxes for the purpose of moving them from one place to another!

Bizarre things … outdated things … things that honestly you probably should’ve just thrown out the last time you had to move, but no no – instead you opted for the easy way out and just crammed all of that extra, miscellaneous crap into the nearest closest and said, “Meh – I’ll deal with it later…” Well, guess what folks?!  “Later” has finally arrived for this humor columnist and boy, am I finding some surprisingly random trinkets wading through my own personal junk collection!

Some of my favorites so far have included…

• my old 35mm camera (AND extra film!)
• several half-used tubes of super glue
• also wood glue
• also also a random assortment of magnets and twine (presumably all from that big mending kick that guys go through in their mid-20s)
• my old pocket knife from when I was in Boy Scouts
• a significantly larger knife that only came out when our leaders weren’t around!
• a singing Big Bird doll that plays the electric guitar
• a lone, gold-colored fishhook. Also, a spool of fishing line, but no pole in sight … or bait, either – thankfully!
• a replacement headlight for a car I haven’t owned in 3 years
• a roadmap of Panama City, FL (note: I’ve never actually been to Panama City, FL)
• and winning the award for Most Confused As To Why I Would Ever Actually Own It In The First Place, a metallic foil print of a unicorn dancing on a rainbow … in space!, framed and ready for hanging…

Thankfully in this household, random hoarding and perpetual laziness isn’t purely a man’s domain, though, as proven succinctly with a review of my wife’s own list of hidden gems that she discovered during these very same cleaning efforts …

• AC adapters for no less than 37 personal electronics come and gone
• a magic 8-Ball that insists “we’re destined” to become pregnant this month
• a variety of Mardi Gras beads that I’m probably best not to even ask about
• a roll of Kodak Advantix film, undeveloped
• a Pilates instructional tape on VHS … circa 1984
• a lone (and somewhat lonely) Playstation controller
• an Incredible Hulk action figure

It’s like our closet is some sort of unintentional time capsule, accumulating random oddities from over the years that might later be used to reveal great historical insights about our past lives … namely, just how lazy and packrat-ish we were in our younger years!  Of course, now as we prepare to venture forth to a different home with entirely new storage closets for our hoarding pleasures, one must ponder the age-old question – do we take all of these casually collected curios along with us to help seed the next generation of junk closets, or instead do we take this unique opportunity to “purge the unicorn” and commit ourselves to starting a fresh, junk-free existence in our new home???

I’m sure it’s going to be a rough couple of weeks while my wife adjusts to not having her 3” Incredible Hulk figure buried out of sight somewhere in the closet, and I guess if I ever do make it up to Panama City, I’ll have to splurge another $1.95 for a new roadmap, but I have little doubt that in due time we’ll see a whole new wave of brand-new hidden treasures start to slowly accumulate once again, perhaps beginning with some wind-up, novelty teeth, or maybe a candle that’s shaped like a pumpkin, or possibly even my very own souvenir collectible can of Duff beer!

As I look around this room at so many things that still legitimately need to be packed, the possibilities are endless!  But whether in another ten years’ time any of them will earn the coveted status of rainbow-dancing space unicorn, well, that’s something that only time, and also my hopefully evolving sense of taste, will ever tell…