And if there are any guys out there currently doing a panicked double-take as they glance from this column … to the calendar … and back to this column … and then back to the calendar again, I’ll give you just a moment to brace yourselves for the inevitable backhand that’s coming…

…it may not come in the next 5 minutes, or even in the next hour, but it’s coming!

Not for nothing, but maybe you deserve a little smack across the face if you were somehow able to overlook Valentine’s Day in this day and age because it’s not like it’s a well kept secret or anything anymore! Now I’m not one to promote domestic violence in the name of heart-shaped boxes of chocolate, mind you, but I haven’t been able to walk through my favorite grocery store since Christmas Eve without being bombarded with cardboard Cupids hanging from the ceiling and eight different varieties of chocolate hearts eager to wipe out my New Years resolutions before I’d even committed them to paper!

Anniversaries and birthdays may be another story, but you’ve literally got a multi-million dollar industry pushing this holiday to the forefront – if you can’t manage to remember with red & pink on every end cap and 1-800 Flowers banner ads on every website you’ve visited for the last three months, then I just don’t know what else to tell you.

It’s no secret that the ladies look forward to this day – heck, I’d certainly have a little more spring in my step if I knew that I’d be getting showered with chocolate and flowers and cute, plush animals holding little signs that say “I Wuv You THIIIIIIIS Much!” from sun up until champagne down! There’s really no sense in resisting it at this point – Valentine’s Day has become a part of the social contract that those of us here in the civilized world are bound to, so unless you feel like packing a bag, leaving your iPhone behind, and moving down to South America where the law of the jungle trumps show your love with as many Reese’s Peanut Butter Hearts as your budget will allow one day out of the year, a single annual embrace of commercialized affection kinda seems like a small price to pay for keeping your dearly beloved off the warpath, now doesn’t it?!

It doesn’t even have to be all huge and extravagant – I myself got my wife a nice card and a bag of chocolates, she did the same for me, and we ended up just grabbing Chinese takeout for dinner before going to bed early without any sex whatsoever. Granted, we’re old and married and boring, so perhaps you would like some sex in exchange for that $2.99 bag of Cherry-Filled Hershey Kisses, but good luck getting any if instead you just end up blowing off the entire celebration without so much as an e-card and some leftover Christmas candy that just so happens to be wrapped in the same red foil that they use for Valentine’s candy…

Let’s be honest, men – our lady friends really don’t ask very much of us … wear pants when there’s company coming over, make an effort to pick up our toys when we’re done playing with them, and try not to embarrass them too much in public. It’s not like we’re being expected to sit through a night at the opera or learn Mandarin Chinese so that we can impress her father when he comes to the United States for the first time or anything! Just buy her one stupid, little box of chocolates and maybe a stuffed bear with a heart on it, and you’re golden for another 364 days – it’s really a pretty sweet deal, if you’ll pardon the totally intentional pun…

But on the plus side, if you missed out yesterday and are still looking to save a little face – if you act fast before the stores are all sold out, you can buy a great consolation Valentine’s gift today on clearance for 50% off!!!

Hey, I won’t tell her if you won’t…