My Hilarious Travelogue

Fun Facts About the Everglades!

by Scott Sevener ⋅ February 26, 2006 ⋅  Email this column ⋅  Print this column ⋅

Although I’ve held back on the scientific data with this particular travelogue, I know that some of you are still in search of the raw facts to be learned about Everglades National Park and as a veritable expert in Everglades, Eveready automobile batteries, and even the hit interactive computer adventure Everquest, I thought that it seemed only appropriate that I use some of my space here for good instead of evil.  Hey, there’s a first time for everything…

So while I would still suggest also consulting an encyclopedia or handy desk reference set for additional information, feel free to take the following facts* to the bank with regards to term papers, college thesis’s, and interviews for that big promotion that you’ve been waiting for all of these years.  I’m going to be honest with you and profess that most people don’t know what I’m about to tell you, so within a matter of minutes you’ll be able to hold that over their heads, too!

Ain’t it fun being a know-it-all?

• Only one in every three Alligators found in the Everglades can speak English fluently, and most don’t carry change for anything larger than a twenty.
• Of all the snacks, trail maps, and ice cream sandwiches, the convenience store in Flamingo actually sells more of those stupid, little Mosquito Traps than any other product on their shelves…ever.
• It’s actually perfectly safe to wade in the shallow waters of the River of Grass.  Alligators don’t even like the taste of human flesh – they find it spongy and bitter without the proper seasonings, most of which must be shipped in from New York City and are more expensive than most reptiles will tend to bother with.
• If you were to take all of the alligators that live in the Everglades and stack them one on top of another, you’d likely get eaten in the process.
• While only the female mosquito may actually bite and suck your blood, the taunts and jealous glares from their male counterparts can often times be just as uncomfortable.
• In terms of size, Everglades National Park is large enough to fit Cuyahoga Valley National Park, Isle Royal National Park, and Shenandoah National Park within its boundaries.  Also, it goes without saying that any of those parks would be much more exciting if they had some giant, man-eating lizards roaming the grounds.
• If it weren’t for a series of man-made dams and channels, the average water depth in the Everglades would be nearly seventeen feet higher than it is now, creating a much different ecosystem that would invite the likes of sharks, whales, and many other large, marine animals that probably also like to eat people.  This would make the trails even more difficult and dangerous to walk … primarily because they would be underwater … however people would continue to come in troves because sometimes people can be very dumb…
• The waters of Everglades National Park are actually maintained at the very specific temperature of 72.6 degrees Fahrenheit (244 cm Celsius) by a complex series of solar-powered heat pumps.  When any one of the pumps breaks down, it’s really a pain in the ass to get the whole system working again…
• Despite their abundance today, there was once an Ibis shortage across the Everglades so severe that seeing a single bird during your visit was akin to seeing a bald eagle in other parts of the country.  In an effort to help bring up the numbers, park rangers actually imported several dozen flamingos and painted them white to resemble the fleeting species, however it seems that flamingo tastes just as delicious as Ibis from the perspective of your average alligator…
• Elton John has never personally visited the Everglades, which is kind of ironic when you consider the uncanny amount of alligator shoes that have amassed in the man’s closet.
• There’s an old saying passed down by many rangers in the Everglades with regards to fleeing from angry alligators – “You don’t have to be the fastest guy around, just faster than the slowest person in your group.” As of January 22^nd, 2004, Jim Touchinson of Macon, GA decided that he didn’t think that joke was very funny at all after learning that he was the slowest person in his group.
• And finally, camping in the Everglades isn’t for the faint of heart – not because of the man-eating alligators roaming the grounds that could swallow your average cub scout in a single gulp, but more so because cell phone coverage is practically non-existent inside the park and some things like that simply aren’t worth the risk!

*Note: the above references are, in fact, not actual facts and in no way should be considered as events or manifestations that might actually take place in Everglades National Park, despite how cool a lot of them would actually be.  I would’ve thought that this would have been a given, especially after the extensive use of the word actual and its derivatives in this disclaimer, but sometimes you just never know…