7:30am – Get out of bed.
7:31am – Yes, seriously! You’ve got an excursion to catch!
8:15am – Wolf down a quick breakfast, albeit one that’s still exponentially better than anything you’d ever make yourself at home.
8:45am – Shove your way to the front of the line to be the first one off the boat.
9:20am – End up getting off considerably later than expected because women and children are a lot more rude in this day and age…
9:25am – Oooh and ahhh at the tropical paradise waiting to be explored just at the end of the docks.
9:27am – Convince yourself that even though the ship is a whole lot cleaner than the pre-defined tourist shopping plaza, you owe it to yourself to see what this foreign country is all about.
9:35am – Spend some time perusing the nearby shops, all the while completely terrified of coming into contact with any of the locals.
9:45am – Bring shame to the American people by running away clutching your wallet after a friendly islander tries to offer you directions to the most reasonable shopping areas.
10:30am – Shop in exactly two stores, getting ripped off precisely both times, before rushing back so as to not miss out on your Tropical Snorkeling Dolphin Stingray Margarita Adventure!
11:10am – Panic when your tour guide ends up being considerably late, then grit your teeth when she proceeds to rush everyone onto the buses like suddenly she’s got a schedule to keep.
11:15am – Contemplate whether this tour was really worth $80/person as you balance in the aisle on your imaginary seat.
11:25am – Politely decline no less than three excessively alcoholic drinks during the 10-minute bus ride to the snorkeling place.
11:26am – Immediately transfer from bus to boat upon reaching your destination. Just go with it…
11:45am – Realize that you pretty much just talked through the entire instructional presentation that is intended to highlight the basics of how to not die while snorkeling on this excursion. Comfort yourself by (stupidly) thinking, “Really, how hard could it be?!”
12:15pm – As the boat comes to a stop, awe in the beauty of the sparkling, blue water and its infinite horizon … to be point where it finally dawns on you that simply put, you couldn’t swim to shore if your life depended on it.
12:30pm – Dive into the crystal clear water and flop around frantically, instantly advertising that you weren’t paying a lick of attention during the important safety instructions.
12:35pm – After some friendly, island jeering, receive a few sympathy lessons from some easily amused crew members.
12:45pm – Get caught up in the moment and almost swim too far away from the boat.
12:50pm – Turn around and swim back.
1:10pm – Spend twenty minutes trying to chase a fish that kind of looks like Dory from Finding Nemo, then realize that you’re too far away again and swim back.
1:20pm – After intentionally staying close to the boat and seeing absolutely jack crap, swim too far away one last time and see something awesome … or at least, you think that you saw something awesome.
1:30pm – Finally get called back to the boat after nearly an hour of bobbing around the ocean without becoming shark bait. In fact, give yourself a quick pat on the back for that…
1:45pm – Break down and buy a round of the boat’s $7 beers in celebration of said survival, and also to help ease your stomach for the bumpy, accelerated ride back.
2:30pm – Pull up to the dock at The Snorkel Shack and cite that you’ve still got plenty of time to get back to the cruise ship!
2:31pm – Realize that you’ve also still got a bus ride back to the docks and that the bus driver went for a smoke break … 40 minutes ago…
3:05pm – Begin to sweat bullets as the bus screams into the parking lot. Shake your head in a scolding manner as the bus driver has the nerve to stand there asking for tips after getting you back a mere ten minutes from your ship’s scheduled departure time.
3:10pm – Head back towards the boat at almost a steady jog, and yet soon find yourself stopping to look at gaudy t-shirts anyways because, of course, “They would never leave without us!”
3:20pm – Briskly run across the gangplank, new shopping bags visibly in hand, to the distinct frustration of the security personnel waiting for stragglers before closing up the ship.
3:45pm – Convince yourself that you want to wait up top to watch the ship pull out of port before heading back to your cabin.
4:30pm – Begin to realize that preparing a 1,000-foot cruise ship to disembark is a little more complicated than backing your Honda Civic out of a tight parking space at the mall.
4:45pm – Just before giving up, feel the ship start to move and gaze in awe as the 86,000 ton monstrosity pulls away from the docks like nothing.
4:46pm – Wave to, well, pretty much anyone who will wave back to you … on the mainland, on other ships, even on different decks of your own ship … it doesn’t matter. Just wave!
5:00pm – Return to your cabin thoroughly exhausted and immediately fall asleep.
6:30pm – Wake up just enough to realize how gross you feel from all of that salt water, shower, and then immediately fall back asleep again.
9:30pm – Eventually wake up fully enough to actually throw a shirt on and stumble down to the buffet for some grub, eager to brag about all of the stuff that you think you saw while snorkeling, even though in reality you probably didn’t see a damn thing.
10:15pm – Take notice of the pinkish color that’s beginning to highlight many parts of your previously pale body and relish in the thought that it will be a few more hours yet before the excruciating pain finally kicks in.
10:30pm – Bum around the ship for a while, casually taking in the sights and sounds of the night, despite being entirely too exhausted to actually partake in any of them yourself.
11:45pm – Eventually wander back to your cabin and retire for the night, specifically remembering not to set your alarm clock for the following morning!
2:30am – And cue the sunburn pain…
 |
|
|
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
