7:30am – Get out of bed.
7:31am – Just kidding.
10:00am – Actually get out of bed; stumble down for last call at the breakfast buffet.
10:45am – Waddle out to a chair by the pool after eating entirely too many pancakes, eggs, sausages, and breakfast Mimosas.
12:15pm – Wake up just in time to purchase a frozen margarita in a coconut that looks like a monkey … or at least it’s supposed to look like a monkey.
12:45pm – Enjoy a couple of impromptu trips down the water slide before lunchtime. With any luck, said water slide trips will not result in flying off the end of the boat and thus effectively becoming shark bait.
1:15pm – After toweling off, hit up the grill for a delectably deep-fried lunch featuring the likes of chicken, shrimp, and some sort of seafood eggrolls that sound a little odd, but surprisingly end up being to die for!
1:40pm – Two buffet trips later, head up for one final pass, this time focusing on the dessert bar with the very distinct mission of trying each and every pie, pastry, and piece of cake that lies just beyond the plastic sneeze guard.
2:00pm – Return to the pool for a couple more hours of swimming, lounging around on the deck, and generally making fun of anyone who’s actually participating in the Hairiest Back Contest.
4:30pm – Head back to your room, inevitably ending up falling asleep in a gently rocking, perfectly air conditioned bliss.
6:35pm – Wake up two hours later and realize immediately that you’re now 20 minutes late for dinner.
6:45pm – Pretend to act all sophisticated in the formal dining room, even though you’re completely overwhelmed and also still wiping the sleepy from your eyes. Also, enjoy the food immensely and without equivocation.
7:20pm – After dinner, drop a quick $47 on your way through the casino to catch the sunset.
7:25pm – Make it to the upper deck just in time to enjoy said sunset. (Awwwww….)
7:40pm – Get completely and totally lost wandering the ship and end up playing mini-golf on the top deck. Mini-golf … on a cruise ship … CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!
8:10pm – After getting thoroughly spanked at mini-golf by someone who clearly just had a stroke of insanely good luck, try to find your way back to civilization and in the process come across the topless sundeck. Despite the sun having gone down and the deck being completely empty, enjoy a little chuckle nonetheless.
8:11pm – Leave a trail of breadcrumbs so that you can find your way back here for a little “sunbathing” of your own tomorrow.
8:12pm – Yeah … “sunbathing” … that’s it!
8:20pm – Make your way back to the ship’s lounge for the evening’s entertainment.
8:22pm – Drop another $47 in the casino … “just passing through” …
8:30pm – Watch the live show featuring singing and dancing or something, ordering just enough drinks to make it enjoyable, while also keeping in mind that they’re $8 each and you’ve lost $94 in the casino in the last hour and a half.
9:30pm – Stay for BINGO because, well, face it – you really don’t have anyplace better to go for a mere 30 minutes…
10:00pm – Listen to some unknown comedian zigzag back and forth across the line when he does almost his entire set comparing your cruise ship to the Titanic, only barely recovering by finally ending on a bit about why men and women are so fundamentally different.
10:45pm – Retreat up to the lido deck for a ridiculous late night snack of hotdogs, pizza, and all sorts of other junk food that you wouldn’t eat this late unless you were back in college.
11:15pm – Take one last walk around the upper deck, making certain not to fall off the side into the black abyss that is the night sea.
11:45pm – Finally crawl into bed and let the gentle hum of the engines rock your sunburned, overfed, and also moderately intoxicated ass into a peaceful slumber.
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