My Hilarious Travelogue

Adjusting to the Landlubber Lifestyle Once Again

by Scott Sevener ⋅ October 24, 2009 ⋅  Email this column ⋅  Print this column ⋅

It’s only been a week since I came ashore, but already the differences between land and sea are staggering, to say the least!  I would’ve never imagined just how much living the high life would taint my otherwise average daily happenings, but now I’m seeing the damages firsthand and boy, do they stick out like a alcohol-filled coconut drinking glass that has been carved to vaguely resemble a monkey of some sort!

I can already tell that it’s going to be rough adapting back to the life of the landlubber, especially with evidence of just how good cruise life had been floating by at every turn.  If you’ve ever been on a cruise yourself, I’m sure you’ve noticed them, too.

You know, things like…

• No matter how much you roll around in your bed during the day, it’s just as messy as you left it when you get home after a night of drinking and gambling.
• Not a pillow mint to be found, either…
• You only come across clear, blue water when you’re cleaning the bathroom, and if you happen to find yourself surrounded by it, then you’ve got even bigger problems.
• Your waiter at Applebees seems much less inclined to “just bring you one of everything because you want to try them all.”
• You ring the pizza bell @ 1am, but are only met with coarse words from your spouse rather than a warm slice.
• You find yourself with considerably less free time to lounge around by the pool.
• You can’t even find a $5 t-shirt at Walmart … at least not one slathered with witty commentary regarding alcoholic drinks and the most preferrable times for consuming them.
• Sunscreen is no longer a part of your morning regiment, and you’re honestly not sure if it makes you happy or sad.
• No one wants to join in for your mid-afternoon limbo contest because they’re all too busy “working.”
• If you awaken to feel a rumbling that reminds you of the engine hum that pleasantly vibrated your bed onboard, chances are more likely that you’re either experiencing an earthquake or your house is collapsing.

Of course, I suppose the differences aren’t all negatives…

• Your TV gets hundreds of channels and virtually none of them run cruise line commercials 24×7.
• You can go heavy on the booze AND keep the tips for yourself when making your own drinks.
• The shower is large enough to actually turn around in.
• The only fighting over pool chairs is with people you already know.
• It doesn’t cost you $30/hour to surf the Internet and read important, informative articles such as this one!

Anybody else already starting the countdown for their next cruise???