Whew, talk about a weight off of my shoulders! Never have I been so happy to receive something in the mail from the U.S. government…
…or just happy, period, come to think of it…
Anyways, for those of you who have never jumped through the magic hoops of fire necessary to obtain a U.S. Passport, having just completed the ordeal myself in preparation for my upcoming cruise I thought it might be beneficial to go over a list of the many articles that I had to present in order to acquire one of these shiny, plastic cards that will allow me to purchase exotic rum in far off lands … among other things.
Proof of My Birth
Because apparently my standing right there in front of them wasn’t evidence enough, an actual birth certificate is required, which wouldn’t have been a big deal if I didn’t live 1,500 miles away from the hospital in which I was born. This took some extra time because the good folks of the county office I was requesting it from wouldn’t accept my “out of town check” for the whopping $10 service fee.
Different states, folks! I know it’s hard to believe, but not everyone who was born in Michigan actually stays there…
Photo of Me Looking Like a Rapist
Available at my local CVS, the only photo lab with the advanced technology needed to turn what seemed like a perfectly calm and joyful experience into one depicting me only moments before getting thrown into the slammer. On the upside, though, at least if I get held up at customs, I’ll probably look this angry anyways so at least I’ll match my ID…
Application For A U.S. Passport, Form DS-11
Be sure to have a family tree handy, preferably your own, when filling out this doozy of a government form because I can vouch that it certainly put my ancestral knowledge to the test! I mean, really, who knows what brand of nightlight their mother’s best friend’s cousin’s roommate used when their grandkids couldn’t get to sleep at night, anyways?!
Cash
Small, non-sequential, unmarked bills – let’s face it, aside from the identification carnival, this is really what the passport application process is all about. And don’t try any funny stuff, that is, if you ever want to see your birth certificate again…
Patience
And this one is definitely needed in large quantities before you’re through! From acquiring all of the various IDs and bribes to the final showdown where you sit quietly while a random government employee writes official-looking numbers over all of them, as they say, “Patience is virtue.” Also, “Don’t be a wise-ass when your ability to visit the Bahamas is at stake…” – words to live by, indeed.
Driver’s License
The least funny of all the requirements, and coincidentally also the easiest to obtain because I already carry one in my wallet right between my Floridian Procrastinators for Change…Eventually Member ID and my HoneyBaked Ham Frequent Ham Buyers Card. Note: I did ask if they wanted to see that one as well, you know, to verify my affinity towards HoneyBaked Ham, however they politely declined.
Now all that I’ve got left to do is pack! Well, that and brush up on my building things out of coconuts survival skills, anyways…
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