My Hilarious Travelogue
Things Learned – an Awesome Cruise Retrospective…
What can I say? My first cruise was an awesome cruise – I think the previous 11 entries in this series do a fine job of supporting that claim! I saw all sorts of amazing things, I tasted foods that have pretty much ruined my taste buds for anything else that could possibly come across my plate back home, and I even learned a thing or two along the way while we were at it. Enjoyment, education, and adventure all rolled up into a single vacation – who could ask for more?
Oh yeah, and those one or two…or thirty-seven things learned? Well, here they are in an easy to read, day-by-day format, complete with pretty pictures and everything! Happy trails, and may your next vacation be as awesome as my last vacation…
Day 1 – Embarkment
(primary focus: wandering around the ship, conquering ship-related fears)
- Airline security could learn a thing or five about common courtesy from port security.
- You will come across people from all walks of life – be prepared to gawk accordingly.
- If you’re the least bit claustrophobic, don’t plan on taking a shit or shower in your cabin for the duration of the cruise.
- The sheer quantities of food available at all hours of the day are somewhat eerie … be on the lookout for a wicked witch looking to make tourist stew later on in the week.
- I don’t care what we decided during the “safety drill” – if this ship is going down and I happen to be in my stateroom, I’m jumping in the lifeboat that’s right outside my own balcony!
Day 2 – Day at Sea
(primary focus: lounging, eating, getting sunburned)
- Sunscreen burns when you get it in your eyes…
- …or when you put it on your face shortly after shaving.
- People on vacation will eagerly pay $15 for a tropical drink in a “coconut shaped like a monkey,” even though it wouldn’t look remotely like a monkey after even 15 similar drinks.
- During rough seas, the boat swaying makes you feel like you’re drunk. Further research will be required to verify if actually being drunk balances the sensations or in fact just makes them much, much worse.
- My wife really likes playing bingo and will happily gamble us into the poor house if I’m not careful.
Day 3 – Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands
(primary focus: snorkeling, not getting eaten by iguanas)
- The liquor industry in Grand Cayman is doing just fine.
- Definition of Stupid Tourists: people who will gasp and awe about how scary the giant iguanas look, and then immediately approach them for pictures.
- Everyone likes to think that they’re adequate swimmers and passes on life jackets, even though half the boat will have them by the end.
- It’s very important to make sure that you’re back on the snorkeling boat before it leaves because the crew is a little more concerned about selling $8 beers than they are about accidentally forgetting the occasional tourist.
- A mere six hours of walking around in the blazing sun and having to carry your own bags can be exhausting after having been basically waited on hand and foot for the previous two days!
Day 4 – Cozumel, Mexico
(primary focus: tour of the Mayan ruins, not getting tricked into buying cheap tourist crap)
- All of the Spanish that I know was learned from Sesame Street and Speedy Gonzalez cartoons.
- Pretty much every boat, bus, donkey cart, or other miscellaneous form of transportation has its own bar in Mexico … I think it may even be illegal to not have open containers available at all times.
- No matter how bad you think your job sucks, it can’t possibly be worse than those guys who rush tourists trying to sell cheap, Mexican hats.
- Sometimes a $2 tram ride as opposed to “just walking half a mile down the road” can be your best purchase of the day.
- It’s just too damn hot to live in Mexico. Period.
Day 5 – Belize City, Belize
(primary focus: buying cheap tourist crap, eating, not getting robbed)
- As easy as the shopping guides onboard the ship want to make negotiating prices sound, these shopkeepers deal with self-proclaimed bargain hunters like you every single day!
- US copyrights aren’t really a big concern in Belize.
- Whether you’re looking for rum cakes, a brightly-colored, ceramic monkey, or even just some Viagra, not only is it for sale here … but they’re actually having a special today!
- No matter how great you think that traditional island chief headpiece will look in your den back home, it won’t.
- It’s an unwritten rule in bars that if you’re not visibly amused by their comically large drink glasses, they’ll bring you a bigger one until eventually you’re drinking out of a bathtub.
Day 6 – Isla Roatan, Honduras
(primary focus: relaxation, pity)
- There’s not a whole lot funny to say about an island that’s stricken with poverty.
- Pretty place, though, for what it’s worth…
Day 7 – The Trip Back Home
(final thoughts)
- People on vacation will do damn near anything for a free drink with an umbrella in it.
- No matter how much you say, “Please do not reserve deck chairs…” people will still do it anyways.
- Just when you never thought you’d get used to a shower barely big enough to turn around in, you do.
- All faucets have two settings – hot and scalding. You will eventually learn how to negotiate the less painful of the two, but not until your last night at sea.
- Eating hotdogs and pizza at 1am before bed every night may not have been the healthiest idea, but they sure as hell tasted great at the time!
- It’s a mystery how they manage to make all of the public restrooms on the ship smell like tropical drinks, but if they sold a kit in the gift shop to replicate it at home I’d buy three in a heartbeat!
- You will never have as much exposure to delicious food 24×7 as when you’re on a cruise ship – be sure to take full advantage of that and don’t be afraid to ask for seconds…
- …although thirds and beyond is kind of pushing it…
- Making the bed with perfect creases and leaving mints on the pillow doesn’t really impress me all that much, but fold one of the towels into an elephant and you’ve successfully earned my tip!
- And finally, people who say that cruises are a waste of money are sad, miserable old people who should just stay home and watch golf on TV instead.
