I’ll admit that I’ve been known to do a little people watching from time to time. Really, who can help it with so many weirdoes, errr, I mean characters these days, and let me tell you, on a cruise ship with two thousand other passengers to choose from, the possibilities for a bit of friendly, cynical gawking are endless! Whether lounging by the pool or even just passing through the smoke-filled casino, it seem like there’s always someone to catch my eye in a laugh out loud, can’t help but be amused-sort of way.
You know, folks like…
The I’ll Be Impressed If He Doesn’t Fall Off the Boat Camera Guy
Most think that it would be crazy to hang over the edge of a twelve story cruise ship with nothing but thousands of feet of deep blue nothingness below to cushion your fall, but it’s all just another day in the life for this amateur photographer looking to make a name for himself. Carrying no less than $3,000 worth of camera equipment on him at all times, there’s no doubt that his photos are going to be amazing … as long as he actually lives to show them, anyways…
The Honeymoon Couple
They’ll stand out at every meal, you’ll see them at all of the events, and chances are by the end of the cruise you’ll probably even know their names, despite never actually being introduced! Cruise Directors always make it a point to attract as much attention to these lovebirds as humanly possible, not only because it typically gets plenty of ooh’s and ahhh’s from the crowd, but more importantly because it greatly increases the likelihood for subsequent anniversary cruises, if you catch my drift!
The Perky, Drunk Girl
This young twenty-something is never seen without an umbrella-laden drink in her hand and always manages to look disgustingly stunning whether she’s just stepping out of the pool or even the restroom. She also just got married before stepping on the boat for her honeymoon, so don’t forget to ask her new husband how many payments he has left on that rock on her finger – you’ll find him at the sports bar.
The Casino Hags
Only showing their faces to bitch about the AC being too cold or the infrequency of their ice tea refills, these crotchety, old ladies lurk within the flashing lights and the ever-wafting smokescreen of the ship’s casino. If you ever find yourself waiting in line for twenty minutes at the Guest Services desk, you’ve probably got a Casino Hag cashing in her day’s winnings to thank…
The Platinum Cruiser
He doesn’t technically work for the cruise line, however from the way he talks about cruising he might as well. This guy has been going on cruises for years, knows all of the best things to do everywhere, and can’t wait to share his vast knowledge of the open seas with you. Fair warning – even a simple “Hello!” will set you up for a good forty-five minutes of storytelling, at least…
The Activists
They’re here to do anything and everything that they saw advertised in the brochure, but unlike The Honeymoon Couple, you don’t exactly have to worry about being inundated by their constant romantic advances, if you know what I mean! Of course, instead you’ll be subjected to an incessant moaning and groaning that can only come out of umpteen years of a lifeless, forced marriage … but hey, let’s go swim with some stingrays before eating an authentic Mexican lunch at La Casa del Taco!
The We’re Here to Eat Couple
You’ve seen them in the buffet line, you’ve seen them in the dining room, and you’ve most definitely seen them hovering gluttonously over the chocolate fondue fountain on dessert night – plain and simple, these folks paid good money for their cruise and by golly, they’re going to get their money’s worth in sushi, crab legs, and more flavors of cheesecake than there are ports of call! Nothing wrong with that, mind you – just watch your fingers when you reach for that slice of double chocolate cake…
The Bored Kids
And mind you, they’re not bored because there’s nothing for kids to do on the ship, but more so because their parents won’t let them do any of the kid things on the ship, instead dragging them along to all of the boring, adult stuff that they’re interested in, like trivia contests about movies that were out before they were even born and five different sittings of BINGO. These kids yearn for a trip down the water slide or even to just be dropped off at the supervised play area and forgotten about, but there’s no such luck because their parents are stupid…
The Fancy Dressers
Every night is formal night in their eyes as they prance gracefully around the ship in sleek suits and cocktail dresses that cost more than the actual cruise itself. Even their most casual affairs for lounging around by the pool have clearly been the subject of meticulous care and planning, but even if we can’t personally afford $400 Tommy Bahama shirts ourselves, you can’t help but admit – these are by far the coolest people on the ship and you would kill to spend a night in those imported, hand-crafted leather shoes.
The Lost (and Hopefully Eventually Found!)
And finally, as they say – there’s one on every ship, or in this case, there’s one not on every ship when it finally pulls out of port because somehow they managed to do the unthinkable and not be onboard come departure time! It’s probably the most important concept for one to grasp while cruising, even above “don’t flush paper towels down the toilets!”, and yet inevitably it’s bound to happen to at least one group throughout the week. Suggestion: don’t be a member of this group!
Did I miss anyone???
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