Comedic-Genius Media » My Hilarious Travelogue

Adjusting to the Landlubber Lifestyle Once Again

Scott Sevener — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 20:39:04 +0000

It’s only been a week since I came ashore, but already the differences between land and sea are staggering, to say the least! I would’ve never imagined just how much living the high life would taint my otherwise average daily happenings, but now I’m seeing the damages firsthand and boy, do they stick out like a alcohol-filled coconut drinking glass that has been carved to vaguely resemble a monkey of some sort!

I can already tell that it’s going to be rough adapting back to the life of the landlubber, especially with evidence of just how good cruise life had been floating by at every turn. If you’ve ever been on a cruise yourself, I’m sure you’ve noticed them, too.

You know, things like…

No matter how much you roll around in your bed during the day, it’s just as messy as you left it when you get home after a night of drinking and gambling.
Not a pillow mint to be found, either…
You only come across clear, blue water when you’re cleaning the bathroom, and if you happen to find yourself surrounded by it, then you’ve got even bigger problems.
Your waiter at Applebees seems much less inclined to “just bring you one of everything because you want to try them all.”
You ring the pizza bell @ 1am, but are only met with coarse words from your spouse rather than a warm slice.
You find yourself with considerably less free time to lounge around by the pool.
You can’t even find a $5 t-shirt at Walmart … at least not one slathered with witty commentary regarding alcoholic drinks and the most preferrable times for consuming them.
Sunscreen is no longer a part of your morning regiment, and you’re honestly not sure if it makes you happy or sad.
No one wants to join in for your mid-afternoon limbo contest because they’re all too busy “working.”
If you awaken to feel a rumbling that reminds you of the engine hum that pleasantly vibrated your bed onboard, chances are more likely that you’re either experiencing an earthquake or your house is collapsing.

Of course, I suppose the differences aren’t all negatives…

Your TV gets hundreds of channels and virtually none of them run cruise line commercials 24×7.
You can go heavy on the booze AND keep the tips for yourself when making your own drinks.
The shower is large enough to actually turn around in.
The only fighting over pool chairs is with people you already know.
It doesn’t cost you $30/hour to surf the Internet and read important, informative articles such as this one!

Anybody else already starting the countdown for their next cruise???

Things Learned – an Awesome Cruise Retrospective…

Scott Sevener — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 03:00:43 +0000

What can I say? My first cruise was an awesome cruise – I think the previous 11 entries in this series do a fine job of supporting that claim! I saw all sorts of amazing things, I tasted foods that have pretty much ruined my taste buds for anything else that could possibly come across my plate back home, and I even learned a thing or two along the way while we were at it. Enjoyment, education, and adventure all rolled up into a single vacation – who could ask for more?

Oh yeah, and those one or two…or thirty-seven things learned? Well, here they are in an easy to read, day-by-day format, complete with pretty pictures and everything! Happy trails, and may your next vacation be as awesome as my last vacation…

Day 1 – Embarkment
(primary focus: wandering around the ship, conquering ship-related fears)

Airline security could learn a thing or five about common courtesy from port security.
You will come across people from all walks of life – be prepared to gawk accordingly.
If you’re the least bit claustrophobic, don’t plan on taking a shit or shower in your cabin for the duration of the cruise.
The sheer quantities of food available at all hours of the day are somewhat eerie … be on the lookout for a wicked witch looking to make tourist stew later on in the week.
I don’t care what we decided during the “safety drill” – if this ship is going down and I happen to be in my stateroom, I’m jumping in the lifeboat that’s right outside my own balcony!

Day 2 – Day at Sea
(primary focus: lounging, eating, getting sunburned)

Sunscreen burns when you get it in your eyes…
…or when you put it on your face shortly after shaving.
People on vacation will eagerly pay $15 for a tropical drink in a “coconut shaped like a monkey,” even though it wouldn’t look remotely like a monkey after even 15 similar drinks.
During rough seas, the boat swaying makes you feel like you’re drunk. Further research will be required to verify if actually being drunk balances the sensations or in fact just makes them much, much worse.
My wife really likes playing bingo and will happily gamble us into the poor house if I’m not careful.

Day 3 – Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands
(primary focus: snorkeling, not getting eaten by iguanas)

The liquor industry in Grand Cayman is doing just fine.
Definition of Stupid Tourists: people who will gasp and awe about how scary the giant iguanas look, and then immediately approach them for pictures.
Everyone likes to think that they’re adequate swimmers and passes on life jackets, even though half the boat will have them by the end.
It’s very important to make sure that you’re back on the snorkeling boat before it leaves because the crew is a little more concerned about selling $8 beers than they are about accidentally forgetting the occasional tourist.
A mere six hours of walking around in the blazing sun and having to carry your own bags can be exhausting after having been basically waited on hand and foot for the previous two days!

Day 4 – Cozumel, Mexico
(primary focus: tour of the Mayan ruins, not getting tricked into buying cheap tourist crap)

All of the Spanish that I know was learned from Sesame Street and Speedy Gonzalez cartoons.
Pretty much every boat, bus, donkey cart, or other miscellaneous form of transportation has its own bar in Mexico … I think it may even be illegal to not have open containers available at all times.
No matter how bad you think your job sucks, it can’t possibly be worse than those guys who rush tourists trying to sell cheap, Mexican hats.
Sometimes a $2 tram ride as opposed to “just walking half a mile down the road” can be your best purchase of the day.
It’s just too damn hot to live in Mexico. Period.

Day 5 – Belize City, Belize
(primary focus: buying cheap tourist crap, eating, not getting robbed)

As easy as the shopping guides onboard the ship want to make negotiating prices sound, these shopkeepers deal with self-proclaimed bargain hunters like you every single day!
US copyrights aren’t really a big concern in Belize.
Whether you’re looking for rum cakes, a brightly-colored, ceramic monkey, or even just some Viagra, not only is it for sale here … but they’re actually having a special today!
No matter how great you think that traditional island chief headpiece will look in your den back home, it won’t.
It’s an unwritten rule in bars that if you’re not visibly amused by their comically large drink glasses, they’ll bring you a bigger one until eventually you’re drinking out of a bathtub.

Day 6 – Isla Roatan, Honduras
(primary focus: relaxation, pity)

There’s not a whole lot funny to say about an island that’s stricken with poverty.
Pretty place, though, for what it’s worth…

Day 7 – The Trip Back Home
(final thoughts)

People on vacation will do damn near anything for a free drink with an umbrella in it.
No matter how much you say, “Please do not reserve deck chairs…” people will still do it anyways.
Just when you never thought you’d get used to a shower barely big enough to turn around in, you do.
All faucets have two settings – hot and scalding. You will eventually learn how to negotiate the less painful of the two, but not until your last night at sea.
Eating hotdogs and pizza at 1am before bed every night may not have been the healthiest idea, but they sure as hell tasted great at the time!
It’s a mystery how they manage to make all of the public restrooms on the ship smell like tropical drinks, but if they sold a kit in the gift shop to replicate it at home I’d buy three in a heartbeat!
You will never have as much exposure to delicious food 24×7 as when you’re on a cruise ship – be sure to take full advantage of that and don’t be afraid to ask for seconds…
…although thirds and beyond is kind of pushing it…
Making the bed with perfect creases and leaving mints on the pillow doesn’t really impress me all that much, but fold one of the towels into an elephant and you’ve successfully earned my tip!
And finally, people who say that cruises are a waste of money are sad, miserable old people who should just stay home and watch golf on TV instead.

Knick-Knacks, Curios, and Other Tropical Oddities…

Scott Sevener — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 03:15:37 +0000

There’s no getting away from the shopping while you’re on a cruise, with something to buy around every corner and plenty of overly-eager salesmen ready and waiting to pounce for a chance at our shiny, lucrative tourist dollars. And of course, we’re all more than happy to part with our beloved benjamins in exchange for various trivial, tropically-themed novelties that we can give away to our friends, family, and co-workers as proof that we actually visited Jake’s Coconut Hut, the Nuttiest Bar in the Caymans!

Of course, it doesn’t help that a good deal of us tourists are complete and utter suckers, but we’ll worry about fighting that stereotype another day…

But the great thing I found about being inundated by such an array of gaudy gift shops was that even if you’re not interested in taking home a piece of Jake’s Nut Hut, the potential for goofy picture-taking at the expense of said salesmen is seemingly endless! You know what they say, “Why buy the cow when you can just mock and take pictures of it for free … until the shopkeeper asks you to leave, anyways…” and for what it’s worth, I don’t think I could’ve made up some of this stuff if I tried.

Hope you thoroughly enjoy this 35-slide Taste of the Caribbean because, well, between all of the picture taking and mass giggling, I never really got a chance to actually buy you something, so this is pretty much it. Hey, you didn’t really need another miscellaneous Mexican-themed trinket anyways…

Food I Ate That Probably Should’ve Killed Me

Scott Sevener — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 02:43:26 +0000

If there’s one thing that cruises are known for, it’s the food.

Amazing food, available pretty much 24-hours a day. Fancy food, quick food, pizza, lobster, ice cream, and even made-to-order omelets with my own favorite combination of peppers, onions, cheese, and ham – you name it, chances are you won’t have any troubles at all treating yourself to whatever your heart desires from the moment you set foot on that floating culinary kingdom!

Seriously, overwhelming doesn’t even begin to describe it, so if, errr, overindulgence was something that you had a problem with before the cruise, good luck battling with those demons during! For me, I tend to opt for a combination of the “splurge now, jog later“ and more prominently the “damn it, I’m on vacation!” approaches when faced with situations such as this. And of course, thanks to the powers of digital photography, I have proof of each and every last one of these guiltiest of pleasures!

From the dining room to the dessert bar to the late night pizza counter, I can honestly and sluggishly say that throughout the course of this trip, I left no indulgence unfulfilled…

A Day in the Life of a Cruise-Goer (Day in Port)

Scott Sevener — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 04:02:47 +0000

7:30am – Get out of bed.

7:31am – Yes, seriously! You’ve got an excursion to catch!

8:15am – Wolf down a quick breakfast, albeit one that’s still exponentially better than anything you’d ever make yourself at home.

8:45am – Shove your way to the front of the line to be the first one off the boat.

9:20am – End up getting off considerably later than expected because women and children are a lot more rude in this day and age…

9:25am – Oooh and ahhh at the tropical paradise waiting to be explored just at the end of the docks.

9:27am – Convince yourself that even though the ship is a whole lot cleaner than the pre-defined tourist shopping plaza, you owe it to yourself to see what this foreign country is all about.

9:35am – Spend some time perusing the nearby shops, all the while completely terrified of coming into contact with any of the locals.

9:45am – Bring shame to the American people by running away clutching your wallet after a friendly islander tries to offer you directions to the most reasonable shopping areas.

10:30am – Shop in exactly two stores, getting ripped off precisely both times, before rushing back so as to not miss out on your Tropical Snorkeling Dolphin Stingray Margarita Adventure!

11:10am – Panic when your tour guide ends up being considerably late, then grit your teeth when she proceeds to rush everyone onto the buses like suddenly she’s got a schedule to keep.

11:15am – Contemplate whether this tour was really worth $80/person as you balance in the aisle on your imaginary seat.

11:25am – Politely decline no less than three excessively alcoholic drinks during the 10-minute bus ride to the snorkeling place.

11:26am – Immediately transfer from bus to boat upon reaching your destination. Just go with it…

11:45am – Realize that you pretty much just talked through the entire instructional presentation that is intended to highlight the basics of how to not die while snorkeling on this excursion. Comfort yourself by (stupidly) thinking, “Really, how hard could it be?!”

12:15pm – As the boat comes to a stop, awe in the beauty of the sparkling, blue water and its infinite horizon … to be point where it finally dawns on you that simply put, you couldn’t swim to shore if your life depended on it.

12:30pm – Dive into the crystal clear water and flop around frantically, instantly advertising that you weren’t paying a lick of attention during the important safety instructions.

12:35pm – After some friendly, island jeering, receive a few sympathy lessons from some easily amused crew members.

12:45pm – Get caught up in the moment and almost swim too far away from the boat.

12:50pm – Turn around and swim back.

1:10pm – Spend twenty minutes trying to chase a fish that kind of looks like Dory from Finding Nemo, then realize that you’re too far away again and swim back.

1:20pm – After intentionally staying close to the boat and seeing absolutely jack crap, swim too far away one last time and see something awesome … or at least, you think that you saw something awesome.

1:30pm – Finally get called back to the boat after nearly an hour of bobbing around the ocean without becoming shark bait. In fact, give yourself a quick pat on the back for that…

1:45pm – Break down and buy a round of the boat’s $7 beers in celebration of said survival, and also to help ease your stomach for the bumpy, accelerated ride back.

2:30pm – Pull up to the dock at The Snorkel Shack and cite that you’ve still got plenty of time to get back to the cruise ship!

2:31pm – Realize that you’ve also still got a bus ride back to the docks and that the bus driver went for a smoke break … 40 minutes ago…

3:05pm – Begin to sweat bullets as the bus screams into the parking lot. Shake your head in a scolding manner as the bus driver has the nerve to stand there asking for tips after getting you back a mere ten minutes from your ship’s scheduled departure time.

3:10pm – Head back towards the boat at almost a steady jog, and yet soon find yourself stopping to look at gaudy t-shirts anyways because, of course, “They would never leave without us!”

3:20pm – Briskly run across the gangplank, new shopping bags visibly in hand, to the distinct frustration of the security personnel waiting for stragglers before closing up the ship.

3:45pm – Convince yourself that you want to wait up top to watch the ship pull out of port before heading back to your cabin.

4:30pm – Begin to realize that preparing a 1,000-foot cruise ship to disembark is a little more complicated than backing your Honda Civic out of a tight parking space at the mall.

4:45pm – Just before giving up, feel the ship start to move and gaze in awe as the 86,000 ton monstrosity pulls away from the docks like nothing.

4:46pm – Wave to, well, pretty much anyone who will wave back to you … on the mainland, on other ships, even on different decks of your own ship … it doesn’t matter. Just wave!

5:00pm – Return to your cabin thoroughly exhausted and immediately fall asleep.

6:30pm – Wake up just enough to realize how gross you feel from all of that salt water, shower, and then immediately fall back asleep again.

9:30pm – Eventually wake up fully enough to actually throw a shirt on and stumble down to the buffet for some grub, eager to brag about all of the stuff that you think you saw while snorkeling, even though in reality you probably didn’t see a damn thing.

10:15pm – Take notice of the pinkish color that’s beginning to highlight many parts of your previously pale body and relish in the thought that it will be a few more hours yet before the excruciating pain finally kicks in.

10:30pm – Bum around the ship for a while, casually taking in the sights and sounds of the night, despite being entirely too exhausted to actually partake in any of them yourself.

11:45pm – Eventually wander back to your cabin and retire for the night, specifically remembering not to set your alarm clock for the following morning!

2:30am – And cue the sunburn pain…

A People Watcher’s Paradise

Scott Sevener — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 03:01:36 +0000

I’ll admit that I’ve been known to do a little people watching from time to time. Really, who can help it with so many weirdoes, errr, I mean characters these days, and let me tell you, on a cruise ship with two thousand other passengers to choose from, the possibilities for a bit of friendly, cynical gawking are endless! Whether lounging by the pool or even just passing through the smoke-filled casino, it seem like there’s always someone to catch my eye in a laugh out loud, can’t help but be amused-sort of way.

You know, folks like…

The I’ll Be Impressed If He Doesn’t Fall Off the Boat Camera Guy
Most think that it would be crazy to hang over the edge of a twelve story cruise ship with nothing but thousands of feet of deep blue nothingness below to cushion your fall, but it’s all just another day in the life for this amateur photographer looking to make a name for himself. Carrying no less than $3,000 worth of camera equipment on him at all times, there’s no doubt that his photos are going to be amazing … as long as he actually lives to show them, anyways…

The Honeymoon Couple
They’ll stand out at every meal, you’ll see them at all of the events, and chances are by the end of the cruise you’ll probably even know their names, despite never actually being introduced! Cruise Directors always make it a point to attract as much attention to these lovebirds as humanly possible, not only because it typically gets plenty of ooh’s and ahhh’s from the crowd, but more importantly because it greatly increases the likelihood for subsequent anniversary cruises, if you catch my drift!

The Perky, Drunk Girl
This young twenty-something is never seen without an umbrella-laden drink in her hand and always manages to look disgustingly stunning whether she’s just stepping out of the pool or even the restroom. She also just got married before stepping on the boat for her honeymoon, so don’t forget to ask her new husband how many payments he has left on that rock on her finger – you’ll find him at the sports bar.

The Casino Hags
Only showing their faces to bitch about the AC being too cold or the infrequency of their ice tea refills, these crotchety, old ladies lurk within the flashing lights and the ever-wafting smokescreen of the ship’s casino. If you ever find yourself waiting in line for twenty minutes at the Guest Services desk, you’ve probably got a Casino Hag cashing in her day’s winnings to thank…

The Platinum Cruiser
He doesn’t technically work for the cruise line, however from the way he talks about cruising he might as well. This guy has been going on cruises for years, knows all of the best things to do everywhere, and can’t wait to share his vast knowledge of the open seas with you. Fair warning – even a simple “Hello!” will set you up for a good forty-five minutes of storytelling, at least…

The Activists
They’re here to do anything and everything that they saw advertised in the brochure, but unlike The Honeymoon Couple, you don’t exactly have to worry about being inundated by their constant romantic advances, if you know what I mean! Of course, instead you’ll be subjected to an incessant moaning and groaning that can only come out of umpteen years of a lifeless, forced marriage … but hey, let’s go swim with some stingrays before eating an authentic Mexican lunch at La Casa del Taco!

The We’re Here to Eat Couple
You’ve seen them in the buffet line, you’ve seen them in the dining room, and you’ve most definitely seen them hovering gluttonously over the chocolate fondue fountain on dessert night – plain and simple, these folks paid good money for their cruise and by golly, they’re going to get their money’s worth in sushi, crab legs, and more flavors of cheesecake than there are ports of call! Nothing wrong with that, mind you – just watch your fingers when you reach for that slice of double chocolate cake…

The Bored Kids
And mind you, they’re not bored because there’s nothing for kids to do on the ship, but more so because their parents won’t let them do any of the kid things on the ship, instead dragging them along to all of the boring, adult stuff that they’re interested in, like trivia contests about movies that were out before they were even born and five different sittings of BINGO. These kids yearn for a trip down the water slide or even to just be dropped off at the supervised play area and forgotten about, but there’s no such luck because their parents are stupid…

The Fancy Dressers
Every night is formal night in their eyes as they prance gracefully around the ship in sleek suits and cocktail dresses that cost more than the actual cruise itself. Even their most casual affairs for lounging around by the pool have clearly been the subject of meticulous care and planning, but even if we can’t personally afford $400 Tommy Bahama shirts ourselves, you can’t help but admit – these are by far the coolest people on the ship and you would kill to spend a night in those imported, hand-crafted leather shoes.

The Lost (and Hopefully Eventually Found!)
And finally, as they say – there’s one on every ship, or in this case, there’s one not on every ship when it finally pulls out of port because somehow they managed to do the unthinkable and not be onboard come departure time! It’s probably the most important concept for one to grasp while cruising, even above “don’t flush paper towels down the toilets!”, and yet inevitably it’s bound to happen to at least one group throughout the week. Suggestion: don’t be a member of this group!

Did I miss anyone???

As Seen Around the Ship…

Scott Sevener — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 01:33:52 +0000

So much to see, so many places to explore – wow, is this a big ship or what?!

And just like they say, “The bigger they are, the more opportunities for laughter and friendly mockery that they offer.”

Rest assured, the Carnival Legend certainly did not fail to deliver in that particular category.

Simply put, here are some of my favorite chuckle-worthy sights…

Songs You Don’t Want to Hear on Your Cruise…

Scott Sevener — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 00:06:43 +0000

Call me superstitious, but it just seems to me that there’s really no sense in tempting fate…

…especially when you’re floating in thousands of feet of water out in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico…

I mean, I like a good jam just as much as the next guy. I’ve even been known to bust a move and get jiggy with it every now and then myself (not really), however all in the same you know just like you don’t want to see Alive come on as the in-flight movie during your trans-atlantic plane ride, there are some tunes that hit just a little to close to your 86,000 ton floating home and no one wants to hear them booming over the ship’s sound system when the nearest patch of dry land is hundreds of miles away!

You know, songs like:

The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald (by Gordon Lightfoot)
Self-explanatory.

Crash (by The Primitives)
Especially not after this little incident literally last week on the same exact boat!

Rock the Boat (Don’t Rock the Boat, Baby) (by Hues Corporation)
Makes me seasick just thinking about it…

Cavity Search (by Weird Al Yankovic)
When Customs says there are certain things that you can’t bring back on the boat with you, they mean it!

I Used to Have Money One Time (by Jimmy Buffett)
Now I don’t want to say that cruises are expensive, but…

Don’t Dangle Your Feet in the Water (‘Cause They Might Get Eaten Off By a Shark) (by Scott Sevener)
It’s just a little something I’ve been working on, however I understand that this may not exactly be the appropriate time or the place…

As the Bottle Runs Dry (by The Wolf Banes)
A shortage of alcohol does not a FunShip make!

The Ballad of Gilligan’s Island (by George Wyle & Sherwood Shwartz)
Something tells me that island would’ve been a lot less entertaining if there had been 3,000 people on it!

And last, but certainly not least…

Don’t Stop Believin’ – The Dance Mix (by Journey … and some crappy DJ)
Great song, and I’ll even let you sneak by with speeding it up and adding the dance beat, but when you start changing the lyrics around to club talk, now you’re treading on sacred ground!

A Day in the Life of a Cruise-Goer (Day at Sea)

Scott Sevener — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 01:01:45 +0000

7:30am – Get out of bed.

7:31am – Just kidding.

10:00am – Actually get out of bed; stumble down for last call at the breakfast buffet.

10:45am – Waddle out to a chair by the pool after eating entirely too many pancakes, eggs, sausages, and breakfast Mimosas.

12:15pm – Wake up just in time to purchase a frozen margarita in a coconut that looks like a monkey … or at least it’s supposed to look like a monkey.

12:45pm – Enjoy a couple of impromptu trips down the water slide before lunchtime. With any luck, said water slide trips will not result in flying off the end of the boat and thus effectively becoming shark bait.

1:15pm – After toweling off, hit up the grill for a delectably deep-fried lunch featuring the likes of chicken, shrimp, and some sort of seafood eggrolls that sound a little odd, but surprisingly end up being to die for!

1:40pm – Two buffet trips later, head up for one final pass, this time focusing on the dessert bar with the very distinct mission of trying each and every pie, pastry, and piece of cake that lies just beyond the plastic sneeze guard.

2:00pm – Return to the pool for a couple more hours of swimming, lounging around on the deck, and generally making fun of anyone who’s actually participating in the Hairiest Back Contest.

4:30pm – Head back to your room, inevitably ending up falling asleep in a gently rocking, perfectly air conditioned bliss.

6:35pm – Wake up two hours later and realize immediately that you’re now 20 minutes late for dinner.

6:45pm – Pretend to act all sophisticated in the formal dining room, even though you’re completely overwhelmed and also still wiping the sleepy from your eyes. Also, enjoy the food immensely and without equivocation.

7:20pm – After dinner, drop a quick $47 on your way through the casino to catch the sunset.

7:25pm – Make it to the upper deck just in time to enjoy said sunset. (Awwwww….)

7:40pm – Get completely and totally lost wandering the ship and end up playing mini-golf on the top deck. Mini-golf … on a cruise ship … CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!

8:10pm – After getting thoroughly spanked at mini-golf by someone who clearly just had a stroke of insanely good luck, try to find your way back to civilization and in the process come across the topless sundeck. Despite the sun having gone down and the deck being completely empty, enjoy a little chuckle nonetheless.

8:11pm – Leave a trail of breadcrumbs so that you can find your way back here for a little “sunbathing” of your own tomorrow.

8:12pm – Yeah … “sunbathing” … that’s it!

8:20pm – Make your way back to the ship’s lounge for the evening’s entertainment.

8:22pm – Drop another $47 in the casino … “just passing through” …

8:30pm – Watch the live show featuring singing and dancing or something, ordering just enough drinks to make it enjoyable, while also keeping in mind that they’re $8 each and you’ve lost $94 in the casino in the last hour and a half.

9:30pm – Stay for BINGO because, well, face it – you really don’t have anyplace better to go for a mere 30 minutes…

10:00pm – Listen to some unknown comedian zigzag back and forth across the line when he does almost his entire set comparing your cruise ship to the Titanic, only barely recovering by finally ending on a bit about why men and women are so fundamentally different.

10:45pm – Retreat up to the lido deck for a ridiculous late night snack of hotdogs, pizza, and all sorts of other junk food that you wouldn’t eat this late unless you were back in college.

11:15pm – Take one last walk around the upper deck, making certain not to fall off the side into the black abyss that is the night sea.

11:45pm – Finally crawl into bed and let the gentle hum of the engines rock your sunburned, overfed, and also moderately intoxicated ass into a peaceful slumber.

The Gilligan’s Island Weight Loss Plan

Scott Sevener — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 16:00:08 +0000

So I’ve been thinking…

It’s no secret that I’ve been more than a little, shall we say, apprehensive about coming on this trip. I guess you could say that I tend to be a bit nervous about the unknown, much in the same way that I always shop at the same clothing stores and I’m absolutely petrified to try anything other than the Kung Pao Chicken at my favorite Chinese restaurant. Sure, it could open the door to new and delicious flavors, but then again, it could also be absolutely disgusting and leave me hunched over the toilet for the remainder of the evening. The pendulum swings both ways, don’t you know…

And with that said, I’ve been analyzing and over-analyzing and re-analyzing all of the possible outcomes that could spring forth from this cruise – whales mating with the boat, giant explosions, our boat running into another boat, but the scenario that I keep coming back to is that of the shipwrecked on a desert island genre. For some reason that one seems to be the most comforting of all the boat-related disaster scenarios that have crossed my mind thus far, however I’ll readily admit that it might be very well due a nostalgic love of Gilligan’s Island that I hold close to my heart.

I mean, let’s face it – that show made the tragic concept of getting shipwrecked look like a blast, to the point where you were almost disappointed when they finally got rescued at the very end. I can fondly recall days growing up where I would sit at home watching Gillian’s Island all afternoon and wishing that I could get shipwrecked just because it seemed like it would be so much fun, between messing with The Skipper and playing with all of the cool coconut-based gadgets that The Professor came up with, not to mention a healthy bit of teenage swooning over the likes of Ginger and Maryann … rowr, indeed!

Of course, these days I’m a bit older and I now have a wife to fulfill my shipwrecked hottie needs, but in turn I’m also starting to notice certain other aspects of the shipwrecked lifestyle that while not necessarily very appealing to pre-teen Scott are likewise extremely intriguing to modern-day Scott. Sure, I’m still all for playing pranks on The Skipper and I’ve always wanted to build a laser out of coconuts, but the more I think about it, it’s really the weight loss opportunities that are the most tempting at the end of the day when the girls are done with their regularly-scheduled pillow fight and Mr. Howell is done counting his money for the day…

Case in point – out of all of the castaways, the only overweight guy on the island was The Skipper, and frankly, after spending countless hours jogging and peddling a bike to nowhere and choking down broccoli, 1 in 7 are odds that I’d be happy to take a chance against! The other six people, coincidentally, were fit as a fiddle and thin as can be, and maybe it was because off camera The Skipper kept eating all of their portions or simply put, their bodies were slowly starving themselves given the lack of nutritional options available on said island, but either way, at this point I’m willing to do whatever I have to do (provided it doesn’t involve actual exercise, mind you). If living on a deserted island with only pineapples and coconuts and whatever I can catch in the wild to eat can create those kinds of results, I should be able to drop this spare tire around my gut in no time! Hell, at that rate I could be touching my toes again by Christmastime!!!

So while of course, it still goes without saying that ultimately I would prefer not to encounter any of the horrible manifestations that have haunted my boat-related dreams for the last six months, but all in the same, I suppose if there’s a silver lining to be found in any of my options – in this case in the form of dropping my weight back down to a healthy integer that doesn’t lead to increased risk of heart disease, high blood pressure, and the inability to outrun an alligator after coming across one in the driveway at 2:00am on a random Tuesday night – then all I’m saying is that hypothetically speaking, the Gilligan’s Island Weight Loss Plan is an option that I think I could handle to make the best of a bad situation.

Please Note: This is also assuming that I actually get to be Gilligan. The Professor would also be ok, too, as a second choice, but if I end up drawing straws for The Skipper, then you can just forget the whole thing…