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Editorial Note: This story appeared in Just Laugh magazine on September 17, 2003.
MADISON (Just Laugh) – What should have been merely another regularly scheduled nature hike oddly enough turned into a historical find that will go down in dairy history as a small group of college students from the University of Wisconsin stumbled across the hidden entrance to a long-deserted cheese mine in Northern Wisconsin late Thursday afternoon.
“I’d heard the rumors before,” confessed Tony Black, a sophmore at the school, “but I didn’t really believe that any of them could be true. I mean, come on – an underground mine filled with cheese?! It just doesn’t make any sense…”
It seems that cheese mines were utilized thousands of years ago by our ancestors that first settled the land now known as Wisconsin today. The mines were a vast wealth of cheese products, but the wise elders understood that it would only be a matter of time before they were stripped completely dry, so alternative sources were sought. Once their technology had advanced to the point of cultivating the milk from cows into their beloved cheese, the mines were sealed off and considered to be only a last resort in the event that something horrible were to happen to their bovine population.
Of course, centuries past and the cattle herds continued to thrive, so the mines were forgotten and eventually considered to be nothing more than a myth by all but the eldest of settlers. The origin of the mines themselves, along with how they have managed to keep their contents fresh and edible all this time, continues to remain a mystery, but it has been said that once scientists can determine a way to safely test the specimens without risking damage to the entire stock, a full scale research project may very well sprout here in the dairy capital of the world.
As for the mine itself, although several investors have already stepped up to convert the mine into an attraction for tourists, Governor Jim Doyle has made it clear that these ancient grounds are to remain as they were and will not be used to fund capitalistic greed. “It is a great find to come across such prolific treasures right here in our own backyard, but it would be a disgrace to all those who inhabited these lands before us if we were to exploit the very resources that they deemed so vital to their own survival.”
Later in the presss conference, board members hinted that the site may have the potential to become some sort of museum or educational establishment in the future, but until all of the legalities and ethical details are ironed out, residents will have to just live with the fact that there’s an elaborate mine several miles long below their feet, filled with some of the finest cheeses ever to grace this green Earth…
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