WASHINGTON, D.C. (Just Laugh) – In an effort to maintain national security in the constant threat of a post-9/11 world, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff announced earlier today that despite traditions dating back hundreds of years, the United States of America would not be participating in April Fool’s Day and it also strongly encouraged other nations to follow.
“It’s not all about fun and games anymore,” Secretary Chertoff explained, “and the time has come for our nation to make a choice between the safety and well-being of our citizens and the tomfoolery that comes with pranks and practical jokes. Exploding pens, water-squirting flowers, and so-called “whoopee cushions” – the usage of such devices might have been acceptable to administrations in the past, but in 2007 America is at war with terrorism and there’s simply no place for such unregulated and unbridled mayhem in our society today.”
The Secretary’s speech continued, explaining that as even the moderation of “practical joking” wasn’t in the best interests of America’s security efforts, April Fool’s Day in the United States of America is going forward to be treated as any other day, free of the pranks and schemes that normally keep people on their toes on April 1. As a precautionary method, the National Threat Advisory level will be increased from YELLOW to ORANGE beginning today to last at least five days into the month of April, or until a period where the administration feels that a heightened sense of security with regards to potential pranksters and practical jokers has diminished. Additionally, local law enforcement officials have been advised to take all necessary measures in counteracting such April Fool’s Day activities swiftly and harshly, as this order is currently being enacted as federal law.
A full list of prohibited April Fool’s Day items and activities can be found at the Department of Homeland Security’s website, where visitors are advised to follow the simple rule of thumb – “If you think it’s funny, you probably shouldn’t be doing it…”
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