WASHINGTON, D.C. (Just Laugh) – In an effort to maintain national security and curtail any meteorological abnormalities that might conflict with other government entities, the National Weather Service issued a notice to the month of March earlier this week to advise that it refrain from any adverse changes in climate that it has previously been known for in the past.
“March has always had a habit of either coming in like a lion and going out like a lamb, or coming in like a lamb and going out like a lion,” explained Senior Chief Meteorologist Michael Halquist with the National Weather Service, “and for years we’ve just come to accept that, but you know, these are different times that we’re living in and, well, we’ve received directives from another federal agency that in the interests of national security, things just can’t continue on in this fashion…”
Vice Secretary Janet Paterson with the Department of Homeland Security reiterated, “We are a nation at war and with the threat of terrorism keeping America on high alert, the last thing we have time for is a month that wants to run around doing whatever it damn well pleases. You don’t see any of the other months acting like this – November through February are always considered winter, June, July and August are perfectly happy with being summer months, so why is it that March thinks that it doesn’t have to conform to the same unified standards that the rest of the months have?!”
Other neighboring months including April and May later offered up the idea that the rest of the months themselves have always been ok with March’s methods of “precipitating outside the box” and that these newfound complaints were unjustified and merely another sign from a totalitarian government hell-bent on controlling everything and everyone.
March itself could not be reached for comment, however sources close to the month in question suggested that any conformity to the United States’ demands would be entirely coincidental this late in the season.
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