NEW YORK CITY (Just Laugh) – It’s been a rough couple of years for all of the fats that make up our daily menus, but it goes without saying that trans fats have certainly taken the brunt of the inflammatory remarks. Nonetheless, recently these heavy hitters came together to inform the world that they may be down, but they’re by no means out of the kitchen just yet…
“All of those fancy pantses in New York and California think they’re really hot stuff by banning us from their restaurants,” barked trans fat public relations specialist Harry Whitman, “but they don’t know what they’ve gotten themselves into, let me tell you that! They think that they’re better than us, but who are they to say what people can and can’t eat?! Some people like trans fats, and we’re here to tell you that we’re not going to be bullied around!”
“It’s all about taste,” explained fat expert Albert Cunningham, “and while a few experts may be claiming that these trans fats are killing people left and right, you can really come up with the numbers to say that anything is killing people left and right. This interview, for example, could very well kill people left and right – you know, if you beat ‘em to death with the paper its written on or something. You know, maybe they pick it up and get a really bad paper cut while they’re reading it – I don’t know. But trans fats really aren’t any worse than any other kind of fats except for one important factor – they taste delicious. McDonald’s french fries … I rest my case.”
While as of January 1, 2006, trans fats may have effectively been banned from New York City and other localities around the country seem quick to follow, the National Trans Fat Organization of America wants the public to know that they will not go quietly into the night – not as long as they still have the ability to bring deliciousness to the plate where other fats simply can’t stack up. Although discussions were just beginning and no official information could be released at the time, the trans fats suggested such possibilities to regain their status throughout the world as a vital fat to include changing their name to nutritional supplementary fats, printing up t-shirts with pro-trans fat slogans like “Go Ban Yourself” and “My mother was a trans fat…”, and even simply ignoring the ban altogether and continuing to appear in foodstuffs around the world despite such inane regulations.
“No need to fear,” the trans fats comforted their fans, “we’ll still be here. We might have to go under an assumed name or wear a funny hat for a while, but we’ll be here…”
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