NEW YORK CITY (Just Laugh) – It’s been a rough couple of years for all of the fats that make up our daily menus, but it goes without saying that trans fats have certainly taken the brunt of the inflammatory remarks. Nonetheless, recently these heavy hitters came together to inform the world that they may be down, but they’re by no means out of the kitchen just yet…

“All of those fancy pantses in New York and California think they’re really hot stuff by banning us from their restaurants,” barked trans fat public relations specialist Harry Whitman, “but they don’t know what they’ve gotten themselves into, let me tell you that! They think that they’re better than us, but who are they to say what people can and can’t eat?! Some people like trans fats, and we’re here to tell you that we’re not going to be bullied around!”

“It’s all about taste,” explained fat expert Albert Cunningham, “and while a few experts may be claiming that these trans fats are killing people left and right, you can really come up with the numbers to say that anything is killing people left and right. This interview, for example, could very well kill people left and right – you know, if you beat ‘em to death with the paper its written on or something. You know, maybe they pick it up and get a really bad paper cut while they’re reading it – I don’t know. But trans fats really aren’t any worse than any other kind of fats except for one important factor – they taste delicious. McDonald’s french fries … I rest my case.”

While as of January 1, 2006, trans fats may have effectively been banned from New York City and other localities around the country seem quick to follow, the National Trans Fat Organization of America wants the public to know that they will not go quietly into the night – not as long as they still have the ability to bring deliciousness to the plate where other fats simply can’t stack up. Although discussions were just beginning and no official information could be released at the time, the trans fats suggested such possibilities to regain their status throughout the world as a vital fat to include changing their name to nutritional supplementary fats, printing up t-shirts with pro-trans fat slogans like “Go Ban Yourself” and “My mother was a trans fat…”, and even simply ignoring the ban altogether and continuing to appear in foodstuffs around the world despite such inane regulations.

“No need to fear,” the trans fats comforted their fans, “we’ll still be here. We might have to go under an assumed name or wear a funny hat for a while, but we’ll be here…”

LOS ANGELES (Just Laugh) – After another grueling 16-week job interview period during the latest season of his hit reality TV show, The Apprentice, Donald Trump announced during the season finale this evening that he has finally chosen a winner for the sixth season of the series, and that after careful consideration of over one million applicants that applied for the position, the candidate most qualified to serve as Mr. Trump’s apprentice on his next multi-million dollar project is … himself.

“Business is business,” said Trump when asked of his decision, “and at the end of the day, you’ve got to do what’s best for the business. This competition is designed to choose the best of the best, and that’s exactly what it did. I think I’ve got just what it takes to be my own apprentice, and I’m really looking forward to seeing what I can do.”

As the winner of this year’s contest, Trump awarded himself an entry-level management job at his choice of real estate projects in either New York City or Miami Beach, of which Trump chose the New York City project because he wanted to be closer to his family and he also expressed concerns that his toupee might spontaneously combust under the hot, Floridian sun. He will also take home a salary of $200,000 for the position, although more importantly Donald Trump believes that he will gain invaluable experience working underneath the most powerful name in the business of being a business-oriented businessman, Donald Trump.

BAGHDAD, IRAQ (Just Laugh) – As the American government celebrated the end of the 2006 tax season as the deadline for 2006 income tax returns passed yesterday, focus now turns overseas as the newly reformed Iraqi government prepares to impose its own taxation system across the country, as advised by top U.S. officials.

“If our American friends have taught us but one thing,” explained Iraqi President Jalal Talabani, “it is that government must be supported by its people, which is why we look to create income taxes in Iraq for next year.”

The President continued on to explain the new system’s impact on his people, “Say, for example, you normally throw ten rocks an hour at the infidels. Now we’re not asking for all your rocks, but instead of throwing ten rocks, you throw seven rocks instead and give the other three to me. That way I have some rocks to build better government with – good for all of us!”

When asked to comment on the introduction of taxation in Iraq, President Bush happily explained, “I think this is going to be a really good thing for Jalal and his people. I mean, before he had even finished his speech, those Iraqis started throwing rocks like you wouldn’t believe – it was really invigorating to see that kind of patriotism, to see a group that already wanted to start giving their share to build a better country. It’s great!”

The new 3 Rock Income Tax System is set to collect annually on or around the 15^th of April, just as the American system currently operates, with all appropriate penalties applying to those who do not submit their rocks to their local tax office by the annual deadline.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Just Laugh) – Today President Bush announced at an Executive Press Conference from the White House that after three long and arduous days, he would be receiving some additional assistance from his “boys in blue” to help finally discover the hidden location of the basket of goodies left for the President by the Easter Bunny himself last Easter Sunday.

“Boy, I tell you – that bunny really got me good this year,” Bush joked to reporters earlier this morning, “but no furry rabbit is going to get the best of me, which is why I’m calling in the best that America has to offer to help me track down that Easter basket once and for all! I’ve already began working with a number of top Pentagon officials, whose names I would share if they weren’t classified, to put together a list of all of the places around the White House that I’ve already looked, so it won’t be long before that bunny starts singing a different tune…”

In a private aside after the conference, First Lady Laura Bush commented, “I’m really very proud of George for holding out as long as he did. He’s been searching this place high and low for the last three days and still hasn’t found his basket, so I’m sure we’ll all be very surprised to finally see where the Easter Bunny chose this year.”

Although details specific to the Pentagon’s latest mission, appropriately entitled Operation: Easter Basket, are quite limited due to the mission’s “sensitive nature,” it was reported that once a list of the President’s previously checked places has been compiled, the grounds of the White House will subsequently be divided into quadrants, with various Strategic Forces units assigned to each. The mission’s timeframe was reported as significantly lower than most Pentagon operations, driven primarily by the President’s overwhelming cries for the Cadbury Crème Eggs that he looks forward to each year from the Easter Bunny.

LOS ANGELES (Just Laugh) – After yet another successful week of narrowly dodging the vote in America’s favorite karaoke competition, finalist Sanjaya Malakar announced late this evening that he would be raising the bar even higher for himself once season six of American Idol comes to a conclusion at the end of May.

“It just seems like a cool thing to do, ya’ll,” the performer explained to press after the evening’s live show once again left him very much in the competition for another week, much to the surprise of fans and the judges alike. “I mean, you know – American Idol is great and I’ve been having so much fun out here with all of that, so why not keep that going on a little longer? Besides, just like how I’ve stayed in this competition so long – I can’t really be any worse than any of those Presidential candidates either, can I?” Sanjaya told reporters with an air of confidence that could only come from his own self understanding that he actually has a shot at winning either competition…

When asked for comment, Simon Cowell remarked, “If Sanjaya’s going to be your President, then maybe I will go back to England after all…” which invoked a startling applause from the crowd of Sanjaya fans that had gathered around the impromptu Q&A.

“I think Sanjaya would make a great President,” offered Paula Abdul, adding, “and if it would be enough to send Simon back to England, then that’s all that he needs to get my vote!”

Representatives for Sanjaya’s political efforts stated that although the singer won’t be making any major appearances until after American Idol is completed, they did note that Sanjaya has begun taking notes on the issues which he deems most important himself and will continue to formulate his future political platform as his time between rehearsals allows.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Just Laugh) – In an effort to maintain national security and curtail any meteorological abnormalities that might conflict with other government entities, the National Weather Service issued a notice to the month of March earlier this week to advise that it refrain from any adverse changes in climate that it has previously been known for in the past.

“March has always had a habit of either coming in like a lion and going out like a lamb, or coming in like a lamb and going out like a lion,” explained Senior Chief Meteorologist Michael Halquist with the National Weather Service, “and for years we’ve just come to accept that, but you know, these are different times that we’re living in and, well, we’ve received directives from another federal agency that in the interests of national security, things just can’t continue on in this fashion…”

Vice Secretary Janet Paterson with the Department of Homeland Security reiterated, “We are a nation at war and with the threat of terrorism keeping America on high alert, the last thing we have time for is a month that wants to run around doing whatever it damn well pleases. You don’t see any of the other months acting like this – November through February are always considered winter, June, July and August are perfectly happy with being summer months, so why is it that March thinks that it doesn’t have to conform to the same unified standards that the rest of the months have?!”

Other neighboring months including April and May later offered up the idea that the rest of the months themselves have always been ok with March’s methods of “precipitating outside the box” and that these newfound complaints were unjustified and merely another sign from a totalitarian government hell-bent on controlling everything and everyone.

March itself could not be reached for comment, however sources close to the month in question suggested that any conformity to the United States’ demands would be entirely coincidental this late in the season.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Just Laugh) – In an effort to maintain national security in the constant threat of a post-9/11 world, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff announced earlier today that despite traditions dating back hundreds of years, the United States of America would not be participating in April Fool’s Day and it also strongly encouraged other nations to follow.

“It’s not all about fun and games anymore,” Secretary Chertoff explained, “and the time has come for our nation to make a choice between the safety and well-being of our citizens and the tomfoolery that comes with pranks and practical jokes. Exploding pens, water-squirting flowers, and so-called “whoopee cushions” – the usage of such devices might have been acceptable to administrations in the past, but in 2007 America is at war with terrorism and there’s simply no place for such unregulated and unbridled mayhem in our society today.”

The Secretary’s speech continued, explaining that as even the moderation of “practical joking” wasn’t in the best interests of America’s security efforts, April Fool’s Day in the United States of America is going forward to be treated as any other day, free of the pranks and schemes that normally keep people on their toes on April 1. As a precautionary method, the National Threat Advisory level will be increased from YELLOW to ORANGE beginning today to last at least five days into the month of April, or until a period where the administration feels that a heightened sense of security with regards to potential pranksters and practical jokers has diminished. Additionally, local law enforcement officials have been advised to take all necessary measures in counteracting such April Fool’s Day activities swiftly and harshly, as this order is currently being enacted as federal law.

A full list of prohibited April Fool’s Day items and activities can be found at the Department of Homeland Security’s website, where visitors are advised to follow the simple rule of thumb – “If you think it’s funny, you probably shouldn’t be doing it…”

CLEVELAND (Just Laugh) – After a shocking induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame nearly two weeks ago during which only two of the bands five performers even attended, each of the five have individually reported “supernatural occurrences” at the midnight hour that fans meekly attribute to the band’s tragic loss of style and passion over the years.

On consecutive nights ever since the band’s induction, musicians Eddie Van Halen, Alex Van Halen, David Lee Roth, Sammy Hagar, and Michael Anthony have each been visited in their sleep by the Ghost of Van Halen Past, which has been described in detail as a collaboration of all of the greatness that the band Van Halen used to be. The ghost has been reported to have taken each member on a trip through time itself in an attempt to highlight the group’s better years and help them identify not only where they’ve gone wrong over the past decade, but also what can still be done to save the Van Halen name. While the entire band is said to be “quite spooked” by the nightly displays, some of their previous followers believe that the hauntings are very necessary, or even not scary enough…

“You know, man – I heard about that ghost that is bugging out the Van Halen guys and it serves ‘em right!” cited former Van Halen fan Steven Moore. “Man, they used to be sooo good, and now they’re just a joke. Me and my friends used to worship those guys – I hope that Casper keeps them up every single night.”

Moore’s crude, yet accurate comments reference an embarrassing lack of stability that has plagued the band since the mid-nineties when they parted ways with lead singer Sammy Hagar and invited a short-lived reunion with their original lead singer, David Lee Roth. Since then, Van Halen’s track record has been a rollercoaster of high ticket and album sales coupled with political and personal issues that have repeatedly torn the group’s members apart and left fans bitter for happier times.

In a unique opportunity, the Ghost of Van Halen Past himself was asked just how long he would continue to haunt the band, to which he replied, “Until they finally get it, which to self-centered rock stars could mean a lifetime – I’ve got a lot of haunting ahead of me…”

MEXICO CITY, MEXICO (Just Laugh) – In response to a less than welcome visit by President George W. Bush in the final leg of his Latin American tour last week, Mexican Officials have announced an impromptu cleansing of their nation in an attempt to distance themselves from a man who seems to be hated by nearly every other nation in the Western Hemisphere.

“It’s nothing we wouldn’t do once a month anyways,” explained Chief Sanitation Officer Juan Santiago, “but our leaders just felt that it would be best if we moved the schedule along a bit to, well, clean things up around here. That Bush guy had a rowdy crew and they left quite a mess behind so, well, you know…”

The President of Mexico hereby declared Friday, March 23^rd as National American Cleanup Day, during which Mexican citizens would be expected to first thoroughly clean their own homes, then proceed to their hometown’s public areas to commence with the collaborative efforts of removing the hordes of Anti-American paraphernalia that was used in protest during President Bush’s visit.

“Next time we’ll put a little more thinking into what kind of guests we welcome into Mexico,” cited Media Relations Special Martinez Santiago, “but for now, all we can do is clean. I’d recommend anyone who’s come in contact with Mr. Bush recently to do the same.”

LOS ANGELES (Just Laugh) – It was normally a joyous and fruitful day for Joe Sanford, one that he looked forward to celebrating with the closest of friends each and every year, but looking back, this year St. Patrick’s Day only left Sanford with feelings of guilt and remorse, as opposed to the intoxicated bliss to which he’d previously been accustomed.

“I don’t know what was different this year,” explained Sanford, “but when I work up this morning with half a mug of green beer leftover on the nightstand and some chunky, redheaded Irish girl sleeping on my arm, I knew that enough was finally enough.” Sanford had spent the previous night, and most of the afternoon, at O’Riley’s Street Pub in West Hollywood, where he and dozens of other Irish Americans gather each year to celebrate their Irish heritage by wearing green and getting sloppy drunk on green alcoholic beverages. The group proudly held the bar’s record for the most purposely-green-colored beers consumed in a single 12-hour period, an honor to which many ill-remembered hook-ups were attributed to the morning after.

When asked of the redheaded damsel that he had awoken with that morning, Sanford shook his head and replied, “I don’t remember much of what happened, but I know that she had one of those, ‘Kiss Me – I’m Irish’ pins on her blouse … and as drunk as I was, you can see that I took complete advantage of that offer! Man, I am such an idiot…”

After fifteen full minutes of shame and regret in the shower as he contemplated ways of removing the large woman from his home, Sanford vowed never to drink green beer and to spend next year’s St. Patrick’s Day learning more about the real history behind his Irish ancestors by watching Lord of the Dance on DVD.