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Editorial Note: This article originally appeared in The Weekly Choice on November 25, 2004.
And so this is Thanksgiving, and what will you eat? Another helping of stuffing, make room on your plate…
So this is it, ladies and gentlemen – the day that we’ve all been waiting for! Hopefully you’ve all been working yourselves up to this very moment, inching an extra piece of pie into dinner here and there, but just in case you still find yourself just a bit on the nervous side about this momentous occasion, I’m here to walk you through the entire thing with the wisdom and knowledge that only a mild-mannered comedian like myself could provide. Just follow along as we proceed throughout the day – everything will turn out just fine, I promise!
Step One – Before the Meal
Albeit some people get caught up on this one right off the guard because there’s simply so much activity going on, from the yummy smells emitting from the kitchen to all of the people arriving for the feast – it’s easy to see where someone could get lost in the shuffle, so let me make this step simple for you – find something to do and focus your energies on that. It’s quite simply to get sidetracked with all of the food that’s floating around, and no doubt there has been many a treat scattered throughout the house to keep everyone satisfied until the main course is ready…but don’t let these goodies distract you from your final goal! Likewise, you certainly don’t want to go hungry waiting for that bird to get done, but you definitely don’t want to be the guy who filled up on peanuts and candy corn two hours before dinner, either. Whether you’re going to lend your skills in the kitchen or focus your efforts on keeping track of the fifteen different football games on satellite, pick a task and stick to it!
Step Two – During the Meal
Now this is where we’re really given the opportunity to shine, that is provided that we don’t get ahead of ourselves…which is unfortunately very easy to do when you’ve got such a feast spread out before you! There are actually several different techniques that can be used to get through the dinner itself – some suggest staging a battle plan and defeating the dishes one by one, while others choose to adopt the standard 15-minute rule, much like the frame of mind invoked while visiting the Chinese Buffet (that is, assuming that your stomach doesn’t start processing how full it is for about fifteen minutes, during which you can feel free to gorge yourself into obesity!). I myself prefer the slow and subtle approach, where the plate always remains full, however you maintain conversation with those around you as to distract the section of your brain that knows when to call it quits – it works for me, but I encourage you to know your own mind / body / soul and choose whatever method serves you best.
Step Three – After the Meal
The home stretch – you know you’re doing well if you’ve made it this far, but don’t think the journey is over just yet! Although the actual meal itself is technically over, chances are most family gatherings end up lasting for several more hours after the feast itself and you definitely need to take these idle hours into consideration. Mind you, your body may send you signals that it’s time to stop eating…at least until November has passed…and it may even be tempted to persuade you by firing a warning button from the bottom of your shirt or even the pants themselves – don’t let yourself get fooled! Remember that Thanksgiving is primarily about the eating, so with that thought in mind, duck into the bathroom to change into your “post-dinner pants” with the elastic and reinforced waistband, order up a second helping of Mom’s famous pumpkin pie, and claim your chair for the evening movie – it’s your right, you know!
And although I know that I make it sound rather simple, please remember that these words of wisdom stem actually from years upon years of perfecting my missions, so don’t fret if there are a few more leftovers than desired every now and then. We all need goals to strive for in the years to come, but I truly believe that with the right amounts of dedication, ambition, and lust for appetite, you too can be a contender! Best of luck, my well-rounded warriors – I’ll meet you on the other side of the stuffing…
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