“…and the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air…”

Words originally written in our Star-Spangled Banner as a euphemism for the struggles our forefathers faced when they fought tooth and nail for our nation’s independence over two hundred years ago, they’re now interpreted with second meaning – that to showcase one of the trademark pastimes for the celebration of our independence here in the United States of America each year as the 4^th of July comes into view. I’m referring, of course, to the multitude of fireworks displays that will soon be filling our night skies as we gather with family and friends to pay tribute to that classic red, white and blue…

But although ask pretty much any American and they’ll be quick to relate fireworks with the 4^th of July and that’s about it, it’s actually quite interesting to learn that such practices were around long before our Founding Fathers had even been born yet! And while it’s tricky to pinpoint exactly who or even what timeframe was initially responsible for the creation of these dazzling displays of sparkling lights, I thought it might be fun to take just a moment here today to discuss where fireworks may have come from as a segue into that classic summer celebration that we all look forward to the other nine months out of the year!

Dating back as far as nearly 2000 years ago, the most popular legend prevails that the concept of fireworks, or small, combustible instruments (i.e. firecrackers), first came about in a Chinese kitchen when a cook accidentally mixed charcoal, sulphur and saltpeter to create the flammable contents of the original firecrackers. Science would lead us to believe that when placed inside an enclosure, such as a small, bamboo tube, the contents would explode under the pressure, and thus classic fireworks were born! While these events themselves are slated by historians anywhere from 2000 years ago to closer to the 9^th century during the Song dynasty, the Chinese are regardless credited with the discovery of gunpowder and first utilized fireworks not only for entertainment purposes, but also as a part of their rituals as a way of fending off evil spirits.

From the West, our new technology eventually worked its way around the globe to Europe, and although we’re still not sure whether that was the work of the famous Marco Polo or even the Crusaders themselves, we do know one thing – Queen Elizabeth I loved her some fireworks and even created a new position during her reign entitled the “Fire Master of England” to oversee fireworks displays and progress the nation round! Sadly things took a turn for the worst at this point and began transcending from entertainment props into weapons as the first rockets and guns were invented, thus some might even say paving the way for the very battles that they would later be celebrating the victories over, for those of you in the crowd who can appreciate a good bit of irony. All through their development, though, the Chinese continued to stay involved with the production of fireworks and even helped to establish trade groundwork between the United States and China in the mid-1900s.

When you break it down, it’s really kind of amazing to see such a history behind those classic creations that have truly become something of an icon for summer and celebrations and of course, our nation’s Independence Day itself. Just a little something to remember when you’re watching the shows over the next month and find yourself continuously dazzled by the awe of the colors and shapes sparkling in the night sky – we’ve come a long way, baby!

It’s one of those days that most of us don’t really know how to prepare for, and thus a quick glance to the calendar is usually the reminder that we need before we say, “Oh sheesh – today is Father’s Day?!” So off we run to the local convenience store, hoping to find a large display of thoughtful gifts and gadgets to save our collective butts for another year, but you know just as well as I do that unless Dad was hoping for a keen set of fireworks this year, what’s there on the shelves is likely to be slim pickin’s at best!

Sometimes I feel as though Father’s Day just doesn’t get the same sort of enthusiasm as Mother’s Day, which is kind of unfortunate because here I am, hoping to one day participate in the receiving end of this celebration myself! While the former is built up with flowers and cards and other loving pieces of symbolism churned out by the Hallmark corporation, I guess that Father’s Day simply isn’t as marketable as Mother’s Day…but of course, that certainly doesn’t make it any less important…and besides, how many Dads out there really want to be presented with a bouquet of petunias for their efforts anyways?

When it all comes down to it, there’s just no such thing as a manly bouquet of flowers…

So what do you get Dad in an effort to celebrate his special day? For the man who built your first playhouse or took you fishing down at the creek, showed you the man’s way of setting up a tent or how not to get lost in the woods, it seems only right that we look to nostalgia for our gift. I remember many a camping trip spent with my Dad, cooking the fresh fish that we’d just bought at the deli down the road after spending countless hours underneath the glaring sun without so much as a nibble – sounds like the perfect holiday to celebrate with a singing bass, now doesn’t it?! Ok, ok…not for a few months yet…

With all seriousness, though, I have a lot to thank my Dad for and it’s tough to find a gift that covers all of the bases. Many of life’s lessons, whether taught through wisdom or through example, have been passed down from Dad, including how to take care of a wasp’s nest and why not to leave the rake laying out in the middle of the yard! He’s partially responsible for my sense of humor, having taught me how to drive in a cemetery…as a quaint reminder…and also how to remain calm in the event that one might accidentally set fire to one of the picnic tables at the county park. For each of these milestones that I’ve encountered over the years, and of course many more, I have my Dad to thank for pointing me in the right direction and sometimes just letting me find my our course – without your insight and forward thinking, I might very well still be lost out there in the forest of life. For Father’s Day this year, I simply want to say thank-you for reminding me to take a compass…

But for the record, I still wouldn’t underestimate the powers of a yodeling carp just yet! Happy Father’s Day, Dad…

Founded on April 22^nd back in 1970, Earth Day has been known as the monumentous event where citizens from all around the globe rose up to face the ever-worsening environmental challenges that our own civilization has placed upon us. The water contamination from unregulated plants and factories, the Greenhouse Gases emitted by our vehicles transporting us back and forth from the daily grind, and even just common litter – although sporadic cries had previously been ignored, it was on this day that we finally took heed to the warnings that flashed before us and strode to make a difference in the way we live our lives…

And it worked. Thirty-five years ago, some 20 million Americans stepped out of doors to do their duty and the numbers have risen steadily ever since – a whopping 184 countries commanding hundreds of millions of people participated in Earth Day 2000 to shout forth the voice of reason to the remaindered masses: a clean and conscious environment is vital to our term here on Planet Earth. Advances big and small continue to stem forth each and every day, and this Friday, it’s all set to come full-circle once again with Earth Day 2005. While you may not have major plans to go out and revitalize your community’s ecosystem single-handedly, it is nonetheless important for all of us to do our part with these efforts…regardless of what day the calendar actually says that it is.

Of course, some of you may be sitting there scratching your heads this very minute, wondering what you could do to save something as astronomically huge as the environment, and that’s exactly what I’m here for – to bring things all back into perspective for you! It may seem like a gigantic undertaking when you look at the big picture, so let’s take a quick look at just a few areas where anyone 5 – 50 could help lend a conservative hand. Regardless of age, hopefully you’ve heard about The Three R’s somewhere along your educational path, but either way, this isn’t exactly rocket science…

#1 – Reduce
The idea is simple enough – the less you throw away, the less strain that waste plays on the environment. Everything from waste paper and packaging to water and even gasoline fits into this category – it only makes sense that if you buy a product with less packaging than another, less waste will come of it when you throw that packaging away…unless, of course, you can recycle it, but we’ll get to that in a minute!

I threw water and gasoline in here as well because both lead to byproducts that can be harmful, too – specifically wastewater and toxic fumes, respectively. Just little things like shutting off the water while you’re brushing your teeth or riding your bike instead of taking the car can help to make a difference…

#2 – Reuse
“Don’t throw that out just yet – there’s plenty of use left in that old thing!”

We’ve no doubt all heard that a time or two, but maybe Mom was right all along – it just doesn’t make sense to replace things before we need to – economically OR environmentally! The more lifelong example to be cited here would be clothing, but I’d also like to point out one that will probably make all of the bachelors in the audience cringe – disposable plates and silverware. I know, I know – I don’t like doing dishes any more than you do, but although those sporks might be convenient for you, they’re certainly not nearly as kind to the environment…who gets stuck dealing with them in landfills over the next 100 years as they attempt to decompose.

Now obviously we’re not about to resort to eating off of broken dishes or anything, but as in most fathoms of life, a little common sense can go a long way! A little something to keep in mind the next time you find yourself getting all revved up about the next big thing…

#3 – Recycle
And finally the big one that everyone’s heard about, but still only a few actually practice – recycling!

To be honest with you, we should really consider ourselves fortunate here in Northern Michigan – most of our communities offer weekly curbside recycling and heck, the state even pays us to recycle our pop cans at a rate of ten cents a piece – who can beat that?! (I know, I know – technically we pay the tax when we make our purchases in the first place, but hey, it works.) Some areas don’t make the recycling of household goods nearly as easy, so just set aside a few extra minutes to sort out your plastics and be grateful!

And to those of you who still aren’t recycling, just take a look at that huge stack of newspapers out in the garage that you’ve got to haul out to the curb every few weeks…wouldn’t it be nice to just tote ‘em and forget about ‘em???

Now mind you, The Three R’s truly only scratch the surface of the environmentalist mind, so if you’d like to explore other methods of conservation that could be introduced into your everyday life – from compost piles to rose gardens, solar panels and even rainwater purification systems – there are great milestones to be had here for those willing to provide the effort, and for the name of humanity and the hope of a greener future, I think it’s about time that more of us stepped up to the plate here for good, old Mother Earth! This celebration doesn’t only have to be one day a year – visit www.earthday.net to learn about ways that you can help to make a difference everyday.

Have a productive Earth Day, and remember – we’re all in this together!

Easter can be a crazy time of year for many families, and although I’d bet that several of you are laughing at that very sentence that I just wrote before you, I stick by my word because in this day and age, our collective efforts tend to lead towards the crazy side more and more! Even on National Pretzel Day (April 26^th – mark your calendars!), you’ll find men and women rushing out to the store in troves to pick-up last minute quantities of nearly every variety of pretzel known to man – sourdough, chocolate-covered with sprinkles, you name it! And it’s only days before Easter Sunday this year that I’m actually hoping that you’ve put off a portion of your holiday spending to make this important ethical announcement all the more worthwhile…

Please do not buy your son or daughter a pet bunny rabbit this year for Easter unless you know what you’re doing!

It’s a common mistake that really doesn’t have much impact on the other holidays (i.e. pumpkins for Halloween = still ok), and yet year after year we still hear the same stories over and over again about not having the proper living arrangements for such an animal, or trying to get rabbit droppings out of the carpet, or ultimately having to get rid of the pet days later, leaving the child in tears – sure, it sounds like a great idea at the time, folks, but in reality it’s simply not worth it. While the situation may be plausible for those who live on the farm (and even then, the last thing Papa likely wants is another varmint chewing on his crops!), the majority of us who live in-town simply don’t have the facilities to keep bunnies in the manner to which they’ve become accustomed, especially when you factor in that Little Lucy is going to want to keep her new best friend in her room from the moment that she is introduced – do I even need to go into the crazy antics that can sprout from this kind of arrangement?!

Each year there are always a few people that overlook these suggestions and follow through regardless, and end up simply releasing their animals into the wild when reality sets in and things come into focus – and of course, this is bad for both the animals themselves and the forests / woodlands / neighbor’s garden where they are released. Just as you wouldn’t buy your son a reindeer for Christmas or one of Yogi’s cousins for International Polar Bear Day (February 27^th – catch the fever next year!), it’s just not a good idea to be bringing a Peter Cottontail-replica home this weekend…especially when there are already so many chocolaty alternatives at your beck and call as it is! Take it from me, the kids smiles will light-up just as bright when unwrapping that chocolate bunny on Easter morning…and even more so when they discover that you even sprung for the solid one instead of those hollow look-a-likes, so heed my words of wisdom, go forth and enjoy a wonderful, PETA-friendly Easter!

…and so there I was, being whipped around the rink much a kin to Oscar the Grouch during the opening scenes of Christmas Eve on Sesame Street, and for those of you who haven’t seen said holiday special just yet, allow me to summarize by stating that in the end, Oscar ends up in a pile of, well, his own garbage and although the movie didn’t come right out and say it, it’s obvious that that was one Grouch who experienced severe lower-back pain for many weeks to come. If you ask me, Oscar got off easy!

As many of you can surely relate, it’s very easy for us to get suckered into doing things that we might not otherwise normally do during the holiday season, whether it be line dancing or caroling or even skinny-dipping in Otsego Lake in December – there’s just something about this time of year that tricks our minds into making such rash, and typically insane decisions. I personally blame the sub-zero temperatures and the abundance of eggnog found in my refrigerator for such blunders, including the tale depicted here, but just for the record, the presence of quality, Jamaican rum should not be allowed to override the thought process when determining whether or not it would be wise to participate in activities of this nature…

…on the other hand, the fact that it was about two degrees outside should’ve chimed in loud and clear, but that’s a story for another day!

Anyways, back to our little skating menagerie – there’s something to be said about the subtle art of persuasion because although I’m pretty much about as athletically-inclined as your average stick, it was apparently of little difficulty for some friends of mine to convince me that one otherwise stupendous winter’s evening would otherwise go incomplete without including a stint of ice skating on the agenda. Never you mind that I’d only ever been skating twice in my lifetime and both of those attempts maybe totaled five minutes – tops – and possibly even less because I’m not so sure that you can really count the time spent sprawled out in the middle of the ice in defeat! Nope, the group was going skating and that was that. Looking back, I probably should’ve consulted my lawyer and prepared a will ahead of time!

Then again, looking back it also should’ve triggered something in my mind when right off the bat, these guys and girls wanted to start up a game of Crack the Whip, but apparently my mind was already occupied with simply getting my body out onto the ice in the first place! For those unfamiliar with this modern-day form of torture, Crack the Whip is a game in which a line of skaters whizzes around the ice lead by the person at the head of the line, with the overall goal of tossing the person at the end of the line if he or she is unable to hold on. Sounds simple enough and by now I would assume that you should be able to visualize the amount of pain brought to the “whipee” as they’re released from the line and jettisoned into a nearby wall…but that’s not my story, friends! You see, I’d have been more than happy to be released from that speeding freight train and sent to my collision of an end, however it seems that my “friends” didn’t believe that to be an appropriate demise just yet…

So instead I found myself trapped smack dab in the middle of the line – between two of the best skaters to ever grace that chunk of ice – and for the following forty-five minutes, my body was pushed and pulled every which way this side of a mosh pit! I could do little except watch the back of the line in envy as my other friends held on for dear life, and then eventually lost grip and floated away – as the time passed us by, I yearned for any event that might end this diabolical train, whether it called for a power outage or a runaway Zamboni or even a late-night hotdog sale at the concession stand – anything to end the madness, I tell you! But alas, only time would bring an end to that particular evening and although it did finally come, I found myself constantly reminded of the events that had unfolded that Christmas Eve for an additional several weeks – eventually my sore and embarrassingly weak muscles did mend, however I will never forget the lessons learned that evening:

· Never let your friends pressure you into doing anything, especially when there’s physical activity involved, and even more especially when there won’t be a licensed physician on duty to mend to your wounds.

· If at all possible, make it a point to get some practice in at whatever you and your friends may be doing later on that evening by yourself ahead of time. If you’re a quick learner, it’ll make the night so much easier, and if not, you’ll know when to mysteriously skip out to avoid incident!

· And if nothing else, Christmas Eve isn’t really intended for doing things outside of the household anyways! If we don’t get that milk and cookies out and hit the hay good and early, do we really want to be the ones held accountable for the consequences??? I think not!

Happy holidays from my sore and aching bones to yours, and may all of your Christmases be safe and without irony!

You’ll encounter more than a handful of them throughout the course of this month, enough so that they might even seem to become somewhat of a burden to your everyday-going about. I speak here of the bell wringers and the candy sellers outside each and every store that you pass, the collection plates and buckets at the deli, and even the co-workers around your office, each with their own cause that desperately needs your financial support. It’s tough enough for you to provide a worthwhile Christmas to your own friends and family, so where are you supposed to come up with any extra time or energy?!

Well, consider the fall back – anything that you can give is greatly appreciated. And the reason that anything is appreciated is simple…anything is better than nothing. Sure, it might be tough to imagine Little Tommy on Christmas morning without every single variety of Power Ranger at his disposal to help rid the living room of darkness and evil, but just try to imagine Little Joey who woke up with his father at the homeless shelter on Christmas morning because about a month ago they fell into hardships and Dad lost his job at the plant. They stand huddled close together in line for breakfast, a thick, wool blanket wrapped around them both, simply glad that they’re not outside freezing on the streets…but one thing might just help to bring a ray of light to this otherwise depressing image – a green Power Ranger.

It doesn’t matter how much you give or really even where you give it this holiday season, but every little bit that you’re able to part with can help to make all the difference in the world to the next person on down the line. Whether it’s by jumping in head first and volunteering to lead your entire office in a fundraiser or event, or simply picking up an extra toy or three during your shopping efforts to contribute to the drop box at the entrance to the store; even whatever loose change you may have in your pockets after stocking up for the big feast will be put to good use and hopefully aid a fellow human being in getting back on his or her feet this holiday season. If you were in their place, you’d appreciate it, wouldn’t you?

So I’d like to encourage each and every one of you – young and old – to just think about it as you’re making your rounds this holiday season – fit a donation or two into your budget, and give as much as you can afford to give. Whether it be in the form of gifts, spare change, or even time, your efforts will never go unnoticed and really, these are the kinds of things that make this time of year so special to begin with – people helping people.

Please take a moment out of your busy schedule to ensure that everyone has a Merry Christmas…

And so this is Thanksgiving, and what will you eat? Another helping of stuffing, make room on your plate…

So this is it, ladies and gentlemen – the day that we’ve all been waiting for! Hopefully you’ve all been working yourselves up to this very moment, inching an extra piece of pie into dinner here and there, but just in case you still find yourself just a bit on the nervous side about this momentous occasion, I’m here to walk you through the entire thing with the wisdom and knowledge that only a mild-mannered comedian like myself could provide. Just follow along as we proceed throughout the day – everything will turn out just fine, I promise!

Step One – Before the Meal
Albeit some people get caught up on this one right off the guard because there’s simply so much activity going on, from the yummy smells emitting from the kitchen to all of the people arriving for the feast – it’s easy to see where someone could get lost in the shuffle, so let me make this step simple for you – find something to do and focus your energies on that. It’s quite simply to get sidetracked with all of the food that’s floating around, and no doubt there has been many a treat scattered throughout the house to keep everyone satisfied until the main course is ready…but don’t let these goodies distract you from your final goal! Likewise, you certainly don’t want to go hungry waiting for that bird to get done, but you definitely don’t want to be the guy who filled up on peanuts and candy corn two hours before dinner, either. Whether you’re going to lend your skills in the kitchen or focus your efforts on keeping track of the fifteen different football games on satellite, pick a task and stick to it!

Step Two – During the Meal
Now this is where we’re really given the opportunity to shine, that is provided that we don’t get ahead of ourselves…which is unfortunately very easy to do when you’ve got such a feast spread out before you! There are actually several different techniques that can be used to get through the dinner itself – some suggest staging a battle plan and defeating the dishes one by one, while others choose to adopt the standard 15-minute rule, much like the frame of mind invoked while visiting the Chinese Buffet (that is, assuming that your stomach doesn’t start processing how full it is for about fifteen minutes, during which you can feel free to gorge yourself into obesity!). I myself prefer the slow and subtle approach, where the plate always remains full, however you maintain conversation with those around you as to distract the section of your brain that knows when to call it quits – it works for me, but I encourage you to know your own mind / body / soul and choose whatever method serves you best.

Step Three – After the Meal
The home stretch – you know you’re doing well if you’ve made it this far, but don’t think the journey is over just yet! Although the actual meal itself is technically over, chances are most family gatherings end up lasting for several more hours after the feast itself and you definitely need to take these idle hours into consideration. Mind you, your body may send you signals that it’s time to stop eating…at least until November has passed…and it may even be tempted to persuade you by firing a warning button from the bottom of your shirt or even the pants themselves – don’t let yourself get fooled! Remember that Thanksgiving is primarily about the eating, so with that thought in mind, duck into the bathroom to change into your “post-dinner pants” with the elastic and reinforced waistband, order up a second helping of Mom’s famous pumpkin pie, and claim your chair for the evening movie – it’s your right, you know!

And although I know that I make it sound rather simple, please remember that these words of wisdom stem actually from years upon years of perfecting my missions, so don’t fret if there are a few more leftovers than desired every now and then. We all need goals to strive for in the years to come, but I truly believe that with the right amounts of dedication, ambition, and lust for appetite, you too can be a contender! Best of luck, my well-rounded warriors – I’ll meet you on the other side of the stuffing…

Right off the bat, I think that it’s only fair that I let you in on a little secret – I tend to be somewhat of a procrastinator from time to time…and by “I tend to be,” you might as well read that as “I am always, without a doubt” and so on and so forth. You see, I was going to get right on that just as soon as this rerun of The Simpsons that I’ve seen thirty-five times was over, but then I remembered that I hadn’t checked my e-mail in, oh say, twenty minutes, and you know as well as I do – once you log onto that Internet, forget about it!

Yes, it would be more than safe to say that one of my favorite sayings is “There’s no time like the present for putting off what you ought to be doing…” but it is vitally important to note that I do make but one exception to this rule and that particular exception is right around the corner. No, no – I don’t mean Boxing Day…although I do need to remember to get the ring set back up in the basement…but what I’m actually referring to – of course – is that fabled, winter wonderland known only as Christmas! I love just about everything that has to do with Christmas, from the decorating to the baking to the wrapping of the presents – nothing makes me happier…well, except for the bulk of the preparations, that is…

And when it all comes down to it, it’s the people, really – no offense to any of our readers out there – of course you’re not the types of folks that are out there to dampen my holiday spirit! The ones that I’m just a little bit more concerned about are those who panic during this time of year, rushing around with only a few weeks to go before the big day, dashing from store to store without the slightest glimpse of cheer for those who cross their path along the way – there ain’t a whole lot of merry going on when you’re racing against the clock, that’s for sure! People begin to argue over parking spots, fist-fights break out over who gets the very last Heckle Me Charlie doll on the shelf, and even the smiling little elves on the other side of that checkout counter can’t help but mutter Bah Humbug under their breath as the ungrateful shopper romps through her line, cell phone in one hand and ornery child in the other, demanding to know why there aren’t more registers open during the busy season – what’s not to love about this kind of chaos, really?!

It is because of these events that recur year after jolly year that I come to you on this day, my friends, some thirty-five days before the Eve of Christmas, with a single, hopeful plea for you this holiday season – for the love of Santa and all of his reindeer, get it done early this year!!! All of the shopping for gifts and candies and decorations and baked wonderments – get that stuff out of the way while you still have time to breathe; the decorating and the gift wrapping and the donations to all of your favorite charities – there’s no time like the present for taking care of your presents; the decisions as to who will go where on what day and in what dress – plan ahead and you’ll thank me later…

You see – what it’s really all about is leaving yourself time to enjoy the holidays while they’re actually here – how can you take part in the traditional lighting of the family tree if you’re stuck standing in line for more pumpkin extract?! That’s the kind of stuff that should have been taken care of long ago, but the month is still young and you’ve got plenty of time to get yourselves back in the driver’s seat and at the top of your game! Just one week from now, your favorite retailers from here to New Brunswick will be packed from wall to wall with bargain hunters searching for the best buys this year, so unless you’re utterly gung-ho about rising from your turkey-induced sleep at 4:00 AM next Friday to push and shove your way to the sales, why not shell out a few extra bucks now and get all of that craziness out of the way? Same goes for decorating – you could freeze now and get the lights up and working, or you could wait a little longer and possibly really freeze during the process – the choice is yours!

Carpe festivum - seize the holiday…or you could just spend it waiting in line like everyone else – the choice is yours!

Advertisements on the TV and radio, billboards and hand-painted signs every which way and that – it comes to no surprise that there’s really only one thing on everyone’s minds these days: “Man, do they really have to start with the Christmas hoopla this early?!”

Ok, so make that two things on our minds, with the other (and more important, mind you) being that Election Day is just around the corner and it won’t be long until the voting population of the United States of America takes to the polls to choose who will lead our great nation over the next four years…or will it?

You see, I’m not here to push a particular political agenda upon you – that certainly wouldn’t be my place or anyone else’s, really – but what I am here to do is portray an important message to all of our readers across Northern Michigan – you really need to vote this fall. Vote your heart, vote your passions, heck – vote whatever your Rice Krispies tell you to on November 2^nd – it’s no difference to me! What’s important is that you go out and actually do something on Election Day…

And believe me, if anybody understands the thoughts behind not voting, it would be me – I get that there are plenty of other things that you’d rather do than stand in a voting line during your lunch hour, and I get that many of us feel lead on by these candidates who may not care much about keeping their promises once elected to office, and I even get that when you do finally walk out of that voting booth at the end of this long, arduous process, it really can seem like your one vote isn’t going to matter that much anyways. Sure, I can see your line of reasoning with any of these perspectives, but let’s just take a quick glance at the numbers, shall we?

I used to agree with each and every one of those statements and several more that aren’t even suitable for print, however my own point of view changed quite a bit when I stumbled upon this little nugget of data: according to the United States Census Bureau, only 60% of those who could vote in the 2000 Presidential Election actually did, and that number is only up by 1% from the 1996 Election. That’s right, looking back at that legendary election four years ago that featured multiple recounts and added the phrase “hanging chad” to the history books, seventy-five million people didn’t vote. Cars wouldn’t start, a new episode of Friends was on that night, there was a full moon – I don’t know what the issue was, but I figure that it must’ve been a pretty big one to hold up the equivalent of the populations of twelve mid-western states from casting their ballots that Thursday night…

You know, it’s kind of sad when you look at it from a statistical point of view because that figure just goes to show you how the “My vote doesn’t matter – it’s only one vote…” mentality is so tragically flawed. No, your vote wouldn’t matter if you were the only person voting, but that’s simply not how our democratic system was designed to work anyways. Your vote is simply one person’s opinion, but coupled with your neighbors’ votes and their neighbors’ votes and so on, then we begin to get an accurate depiction of what the people of this country really want and where we want to go in the future. Regardless of who votes for who, it’s no wonder that so many people are unhappy with the system when only a fraction of us are really giving it a chance in the first place.

But maybe this year will be different, who knows? Just watching the polls and reading the newspaper from day to day, it seems that we’re all quite divided about who we want to see in the Oval Office next year, so hopefully that’s a sign that more people will see those voices through to the voting booth and beyond. When it all comes together Wednesday morning, your guy may not be the one to come out on top, but as long as you cast your ballot and made it known who you thought would be the best one for the job, at least you’ve done your part…

You will do your part, right?

For a list of local places to cast your ballot this Election Day, visit michigan.gov/vote on the web.

It’s hard to believe that it’s that time again already, isn’t it?

For the students it’s a time that seemed like it would never come, and for the parents it’s probably one of those that they would opt to put off just a little bit longer if they had their way, but as time travel continues to not be one of my strong suits, we’re just going to have to take it as it comes and make the best of it…and really, what a glorious time it is! Graduation marks the end of an eighteen year long journey on the road to adulthood, or at least in that general direction, and as no doubt everyone these kids know will be throwing in their two cents about what to expect out of the future, I’m happy to report that I certainly won’t be considering myself exempt from that missive this time around…

You see, much like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years, the time of high school commencement is somewhat of a rite of passage to writers everywhere, as we take yet another opportunity to spread our immense wisdom amongst a new generation that will eventually come forth to clear our driveways in the winter and fund our social security benefits. Now of course, I’m not that old…yet…but what I may lack in years I certainly make up for with opinions, so without further a due, I bring you my list of completely random points to consider for the graduating class of 2004 – may the new days before you be joyous and merry, and all that jazz…

• If at first you don’t succeed, make sure that you’re actually in the right class. Being new on campus can be a stressful time and everyone makes mistakes!
• You can tell a lot about a person by the price that they’re willing to pay for rent…and how much of their budget afterwards remains earmarked for essentials like groceries and toiletries. That amazing townhouse and massive DVD collection don’t seem nearly impressive after you learn that they’ve been living on macaroni and cheese for the last seven months…
• Not only is walking good for you, it’ll often safe you a lot of aggravation versus searching for a parking spot five minutes before you’re supposed to be there. And sometimes it’s just easier to…gasp…take the bus. Public transportation can be your friend!
• Stuff costs money out here in the real world – you may need to get a job or something. That’s how the rest of us have been coping with it anyways…
• And for the record, money does not grow on trees. I don’t mean to be a jerk about it – I just don’t want anybody getting their hopes up! It was a good idea, though…
• No matter how hip or trendy your particular music of choice happens to be, it won’t be long before a new generation behind you declares it to be out-of-touch and/or yesterday’s news…and that’s OK!
• If you find yourself ridden with anxiety about leaving home for the first time as you prepare for college, keep in mind that there will always be a home-cooked meal waiting when you come home to visit…and that meal won’t incorporate Ramen Noodles in any way, shape, or form.
• Car insurance rates aren’t coming down anytime soon. It’s okay to cry about it – we all do…
• If Mom and Pop have sprung for a cell phone while you’re away, it’s customary to use at least half of your minutes those first few months reassuring them that you’re OK. Don’t worry – they’ll get sick of your calling soon enough…
• Don’t worry about your folks going ape after they catch wind of your upcoming crazy college antics – they’ve been there before, too! Of course, don’t actually tell them, either, because really the essence of surprise is what makes antics so much fun…
• And staying home for a while after you graduate isn’t exactly the end of the world, either. I did it and look what I’ve accomplished – those 20,000 lights at Christmas-time didn’t put themselves up!
• But most of all, remember this (paraphrased from the ever-knowing words of Dave Barry) – it may be time for us to grow up, but we can always be immature!

Congratulations again, graduates! Enjoy your future, for every drop that it’s worth, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do…