So You Want to...

So You Want to be a Humor Columnist

by Scott Sevener ⋅ January 2, 2002 ⋅  Email this column ⋅  Print this column ⋅

Being the successful magazine editor that I am today, people often ask me, “What does it take to be a humor columnist?” Well, actually it’s more often along the lines of “What in the world are you guys on when you’re deciding who gets published in the next issue of Just Laugh?!?!?” Well, the answers are determination, an incredible sense of humor and lots of ecstasy, in no particular order. We also like cookies and other assorted baked goods, but we’ll get into that later…

Humor doesn’t grow on trees, or at least that’s what I’ve learned after several years of college biology classes. It also doesn’t come in a bottle or a can, and definitely not in a can not (welcome back to the fourth grade!). Although I used to believe that some people simply weren’t cut out for the exhilarating lifestyle of us writers, but after a long night and several mixed drinks, I was convinced by some colleagues that just about anyone could actually be a humor columnist, even if they personally are known to have the comedic wit of a lop-sided bowling ball. I now believe that, given the proper instructions, damn near anybody can be a humor columnist these days. Still don’t believe me? Just to prove me right, let’s try a little experiment to see if my theory really works. Here’s a sample layout for a typical, hilariously-funny column:

• Title – This is quite possibly the most important part of the entire piece, as it grabs the reader’s attention and, in the best cases, takes big, juicy bites out of their intellect, leaving them unable to deny any urges to read your column. Some professionals might comment that the title of your piece should be an accurate summary of what the reader can expect from your work. This is a lie. Remember, you want people to actually read your masterpiece, so this is no time to be a literary genius – write what they want to hear. For a male audience, instances of the words bloody, dead and disfigured beyond recognition are great attention grabbers; for a female audience, simply add the word man behind any of these phrases and watch the hits pile up!
• Introduction – Luckily the title you chose was so catchy that you can more or less write whatever comes off the top of your head here and no one will know any better. Did you have an exceptionally delicious piece of toast this morning for breakfast? Maybe your daughter just got a brand new hamster and you found it lying mysteriously motion-less at the bottom of the clothes hamper yesterday – it doesn’t really matter! Recite the words to the last pop song you heard on the radio, for all we care…you’ve already got ‘em hooked, anyways…
• Body – The least important section of your work, you should be able to crack this baby out in ten to fifteen minutes, tops. Although it may be desirable to add content and meaning here, I suggest that you substitute in cheap jokes and inconsistent rambling to fill the majority of this section. Add in a few booger lines, a la Dave Barry, and you’ll have ‘em coming back for more…
• Conclusion – I typically end my pieces by inserting an important-sounding excuse that I’ve got other things to be doing, and although these other things quite possibly include playing video games and searching for porn on the Internet, the audience doesn’t know that and thinks I’m just a very busy person… A few quick sentences about the weather, that hot chick you saw in line at the grocery store but were too chicken-shit to actually talk to, or who you’d like to win the next election should be fine. Whatever you do, though, don’t drag this part out! By now your audience is just coming down from a very intense comedic experience; you don’t want to push them over the edge by being too funny. What you need is a quick, snappy, meaningless conclusion to wrap things up.

Now wasn’t that easy? All you’ve got left to do now is post that baby onto the Internet and enjoy all of the frills involved with being a successful humor columnist! Did you know that we get 20% our party’s tab at The Olive Garden on Friday nights? Then again, none of us would be caught dead eating at that place, but it’s still technically a perk! After having written several “columns” using the above template, you’ll receive your complete membership kit in the mail containing:

• Official Humor Columnist ID badge & discount card
• Official Idea Notepad – great for jotting down thoughts for your next masterpiece!
• Official black pen – because no self-respecting columnist writes with pencils anymore! What, are you afraid you’re going to make a mistake???
• Official A Day in the Life of a Humor Columnist coloring book
• A coupon for $5 off of your next purchase at the gift shop…

Anyways, hopefully this proves my point that just about anyone can crank out high-quality humor for the world to enjoy, in relatively little to no time at all! What are you waiting for – go grab a beer and whip out your very first column! If you hurry, you should even be able to get it done before The Simpsons starts…

Happy writing!

Glossary of Words You May Come Across and Some Other Things to Remember:

• Copyright Infringement – Don’t let the modern day hype confuse you, this is typically bad! Ranging anywhere from simply including popular brand names in your work to, well, using somebody else’s work as your own, such accusations usually either end in your getting sued for a huge sum of cash that you probably don’t have or selling your soul to those offended to avoid the prior – both solutions pretty much suck and should be avoided at all costs! (see also: Libel)
• Dave Barry – The God of all humor columnists, if you will. Many will attempt to take his place or achieve similar levels of greatness, but chances are you will never even come close. Luckily though, with such technological advances as the Internet these days, it’s not too difficult at all to develop an adequately-sized cult of fans which will provide more than enough fame to satisfy the average person.
• Dictionary – If you really need to look up a word to confirm its spelling, maybe you shouldn’t be using it, eh? Mindless twit…
• KISS – Even though their makeup and high heels made them primarily the top glamour rock group of all-time, they also birthed many unique musical stylings and techniques that would eventually influence the artists of today, as depicted best in their MTV Unplugged performance in 1996.
• K.I.S.S. – Keep It Simple (and) Stupid: First introduced to us during our elementary-level language arts education, this writing format reminds us that, essentially, the bulk of our audience will be comprised mostly of idiots and nincompoops – stick to words with preferably less than six letters to avoid potential confusion.
• Libel – Another law-related term which writers face, this one has to do with the using of our powers for slanderous reasons rather than to just make people laugh. Examples would be including phrases such as, “Diet Dr. Mountain Cola made my stomach explode in an ugly array of tastelessness…” or “Governor Joe is a jerk.” Both sentences make implications that could damage the reputations of their subjects, so either could lead to bad, bad things…

My tip: if you’re going to offend somebody, make them up first if at all possible. It’s very difficult for imaginary people to sue you out of house and home…

• Outline – If you were concerned with the opinions of others and making sure your work actually makes sense, you might create one of these step-by-step walkthroughs to keep yourself on track as you write. Thankfully, though, you’re a humor columnist, so this is one less bit of paperwork you’ve got to worry about!
• Rights – Ha! You’re kidding, right? Don’t assume that just because you’re a writer now, you’ve got control over what happens to your own work – get real! People want to read and reprint your work – be happy about that! Ok, if somebody blatantly attempts to pass your work off as their own, go ahead and sue their sorry asses, but otherwise lose the ‘tude and go write another column or something…
• Writer’s Block – A term created by lazy people who wanted a professional-sounding excuse to get extensions on their deadlines. There are plenty of wacky and zany things out there just waiting to be written about, but of course you won’t know about any of them if you sit around on the couch all day watching TV and eating potato chips – get up off your ass, go outside and find some inspiration!